This is solely between BM and SD. If DH gets in the middle of this, it will only come back to bite him in the end.

My DHs ex and his daughter were having MAJOR mother-daughter issues in the spring. Over a boy, of course. BM was not interested in being a parent to her child, but a friend, and after many years of this pattern, it finally caught up to her.

BM now wanted to be "the parent" and SD17 was now not interested in anything she had to say. The situation was out-of-control because there was no mother-daughter relationship. It was a "friend relationship". SD17 was given too much power and control and was not interested in now being reigned in by her "authoritative mother" all of a sudden.

BM, of course, didn't know what to do. So she turned to...

DH of course! She wanted HIM to save the day! "What do WE do? How do WE help OUR DAUGHTER?"

Now, all of a sudden, after years of "go F yourself" she needed him to "save they day" and "be a TEAM".

After years of "they are MY GIRLS" it suddenly turned into "help OUR DAUGHTER".

And, of course, DH being a decent human being, he did what he could to help. And in the end, BM being crazy BM, turned it AGAINST him as soon as the situation was under control.
As soon as she had the first opportunity, she threw it in his face.

She actually said to him, "SD17 would have NEVER HAD THESE problems in the first place if you would have just GONE AWAY when we first got divorced and never asked for 50-50 custody!"

Talked about no good deed goes unpunished.

So let BM and SD work it out on their own. This is THEIR MESS- THEIR DYNAMIC that they created. Let them clean it up.

Stay as far away as you can from it- for your own sanity!

"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"

We were in the same situation many years ago. We had a crazy vindictive BM who treated SS and SD as friends - no parent child relationship - also little if any supervison!

Of course when they turned 12-13 this erupted into violent behavior for which cops were called numerous times, SD attempted to kick out police car window and cursed out cops ( at 12or 13!), they both were picked up for running away numerous times etc etc! All because BM could not tell them no when they were little!

To get SD under control BM had her committed to three differant facilites all before she was 14. In between all of this she came to DH and asked him to keep SD since she could not handle her but then was on the phone constantly telling DH what he and I neede to do(mind you this was in my house!)- BM had and has major control issues! After a few months SD went back to BMs and SD ended up once again committed to a hospital per police recommendation within weeks. At this time BM wanted me involved - but only because she wanted me to pay for hospitalization of SD - she wanted to know how much I made!

Before this time she never wanted me involved - I was told I was to have no voice in raising SD and SS repeatedly for years before this! After this last hospitalization, we took SD to counseling unitl we found out that BM was not taking SD to their scheduled sessions! We stopped also because the only reason SD was in there was because BM had never said no to her! BM's poor parenting per the last set of Drs. caused the majority of SD's problems yet she couldn't take her to counseling!

Well despite SDs problems having been caused by BM's lack of parenting we were made by Court to pay for all of these hospitalizations!

Bottom line - I agree that you and H should should stay out of it since it is between BM and SD but dependant upon but what your custody agreement says you may not want to let BM commit SD for any hospital treatments if there are other alternatives if you can help it as it can be quite expensive! Unfair situation but true story!

So whether you caused any of this or not you may be left cleaning up BM's mess!

We have 50-50 custody of SD17.

We make the rules at our house.

BM has ZERO RULES/ and ZERO CONSEQUENCES at her house. BM is incapable of parenting. She lets SD17 run the show and call the shots. When SD17 is at her house, she's NOT at her house- she's always out with friends, who knows where. And we can't do a damn thing about it.

But when she's at our house- DH can! He makes the rules and she darn well follows them. Unfortunately, DH cannot punish her for anything that occurs while she is over at BMs house (which is unfortunate) but the rules are enforced to the "T" while she is with us.

For example:

Last week while in our custody, SD17 went to a friend's house while the parents were not home (they were down the shore). SD17 knows this is a BIG NO-NO (parents must ALWAYS be home when visiting friends).

SD17 stayed there on Friday night AND Saturday with this friend and another friend. On Saturday night, the one friend got very drunk and the two friends got scared and called DH because they didn't know what to do, because the situation got out of hand.

Because the lies were now discovered, DH grounded SD17 until she starts school (next Tues 9/8). No car. No out with friends- anywhere.

But...she went back to BMs house on Tuesday morning, 9/1. And while DH emailed BM to let her know what happened and that SD was grounded over here and WHY, BM has been allowing SD to go wherever she wants (as usual).

But once SD17 comes back here on Friday...she's not going ANYWHERE this weekend. Not Friday, Saturday, Sunday, or Monday. Yup, she forgot it's Labor Day "party weekend" and she's SOL!

We have adopted an attitude of "What happens at BMs stays at BMs" (thanks Vegas), and have continued to parent the kids as if BM were not in the picture AT ALL!

"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"