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BM narcissist lier

prairie_lynx28's picture

Ok, so, HI! This is my first entry on this site. I'm just loosing my mind over here and I'd at least like someone to talk to. So I am a stepmom of an 11yo boy, we have a GREAT relationship, and he tells me that I am his REAL mom. He literally calls his mother "the bm" lol. Anyway, BM is a total witch with a bee sting. She has been telling lies about my husband for YEARS and actually got him fired from his job. She has accused him of rape, which he did not do (and thus hasn't been charged because her timeline is completely bs), but she tells SS everything. He doesn't like it and argues with her. So now she has been telling lies about him!! She will tell his teachers he's horrible, and his psychologist (that she makes him go to) that he steals, and purposely breaks things. He's loosing his mind, and I don't know what to do. She's got the teachers wrapped up in her tall tales about both my SS and my DH. How do I bring peace to the two men in my life!?

Comments

Left out mama's picture

I have read several of your replies to other bloggers.... it seems that anytime anyone shows love or loyalty the skids... you get very defensive and somewhat agressive. Maybe you don't like being a step mother but that is not the case for all of us. Please remember that we don't all have your negative outlook.  I understand not sugar coating things but you take it to a level of just outright cold and mean. People here are looking for support and advice (and yes I'm aware that some advice is hard to hear), not your angry judgements.

 

justmakingthebest's picture

Exactly! 

I have stated before, thank God my stepdad loved me and adopted me. I love my OSS. He drives me crazy but I love him. 

Not everyone hates their skids. Sometimes there are here because of BM, because of poor parenting, because blending is just hard! 

Left out mama's picture

I hope that noturmama kids never have a step parent who clearly hates them they way she hates her skid.  How sad for the skid to be rejected like that. And how exhausting it must be to carry that much hatred and anger around all the time. 

we can all become very frustrated and angry with both skids and bio kids... but I feel like what we all need to remember is that we CHOSE to be part of the skids lives when we decided to become involved with their parent. They did not chose to have us in their lives... those kids were there before us and that needs to be respected. 
if a step parent thinks that it is reasonable for the bio parent to reject the child they had before they came along... that is pathetic. And if a parent actually does turn their back on their kid in favor of the new partner... that is just a weak human being who will never have anyone's respect. 

sickofstephell's picture

I have noticed that all of your posts are similar. You clearly hate your skid and it makes me wonder how bitter you must be that you have children who share the same blood as him. I am sorry you struggle so much with your feelings for him.

Kes's picture

It sounds like you and your DH have full time custody of your SS - is that right? Obviously he still sees his BM, but I would think there is a case for keeping this to an absolute minimum, as she is obviously distressing the boy and causing mayhem. I would advise that you and DH get yourself a lawyer, but also arrange a meeting with significant teachers at SS's school, in order to have a frank discussion about BM's antics. 

prairie_lynx28's picture

No, we still have shared custody with BM. She is the "residential" parent for school purposes, so SS actually sees BM more than us!! We are in a custody battle (I hate that word, but it's so true) ATM but, every time BM claims another horrible thing my DH did, the court gets pushed back. My SS is going crazy! He just wants away from BM, and I'm also going crazy because there is nothing I can do! Sad

Disneyfan's picture

Teachers are not stupid.  If we believe what a parent is telling us about his/her child, it's because the child has exhibited some of the same behaviors in school.

Just because a teacher has to listen to foolishness from a parent, doesn't mean she believes it.

My guess is the kid is not the monster mom is making him out to be or the angel you claim he is.  Like all normal kids, he probably falls somewhere in the middle.

tog redux's picture

I dunno, we ran across some stupid teachers who believed everything BM said. Teachers can be manipulated by personality disordered people too. Like all humans, some see through it and some don’t. 

prairie_lynx28's picture

I am a teacher myself, and I never meant to insinuate that they were stupid. My SS is no angel, I never meant to claim that either! Wink

BM is extremely manipulative, and her tactics, I hate to say, are very smart.. An example: BM had an ipad, which she no longer wanted because she was getting a new one. She told SS he could buy it from her for $150. SS bought the ipad and brought it to our house several times. Holding it in his hand, not in a bag or hidden, so BM knew he had it. He stopped bringing it when school started and I thought nothing of it. Then one day I saw it in his backpack, and I said something like " oh your brought your ipad back" and he told me that he got in trouble because BM told the teacher that SS stole the ipad from her and took it to school. Teacher not knowing the summer of having the ipad, assumes BM is truthful and SS is a thief. This is one of MANY small things that all add up.

justmakingthebest's picture

Have a conference. Expose BM for the fraudulent person she is to the school. She is a bitter exwife whose own son can't stand her due to her mental disorders. 

prairie_lynx28's picture

Easier said than done. Teacher is afraid of DH. And has never met him. She seems skeptical around me, but I just try to be as nice and calm as possible. It's a very difficult situation. Every other week it seems DH is getting charged with a new offense (rape, domestic abuse, child abuse, ect these are REAL charges tried to be placed on my DH, none of which has stuck but they keep coming) This makes the teacher nervouse, and I completely understand where she is coming from.

tog redux's picture

DH should go to the principal. Sorry, the teacher is being ridiculous and DH has a right to be involved in the school stuff.  The only way to deal with this kind of BM is to stand up for your rights and provide the truth. 

And he should drop the custody battle. It will cause more harm than good, to everyone. 

prairie_lynx28's picture

Dropping the battle is not an option. SS begged us for 2 years to take him away before we finally filed the papers. If we drop it SS will think we never wanted him in the first place. (He literally said we weren't filing for custody  because we didn't love him enough,  we filed the next day)

Disneyfan's picture

Fear isn't an excuse for not meeting with a parent. 

If she afraid, then she can request that admin sits in on the meeting and that the meeting is held in a room close to a safety officer.

theoldredhen's picture

Absolutely, Disneyfan!

The teacher is behaving both ridiculously and unprofessionally.

Skinvasion's picture

Can DH file charges on BM for falsifying police reports?  If she is just making fraudulant claims with no proof, that in itself is a crime.

prairie_lynx28's picture

We intend to once we have custosy. In the meam time charging her will prove uneventful because of the constant reoccurrence of claims from her. Our lawyer cannot wait to charge her with defamation.

ESMOD's picture

While I understand that you are getting some amount of enjoyment about the SS defending your and your husband's honor with the BM..this should be discouraged.

1.  Do not encourage him calling her "the BM".. its alienating.  She is his mother.. she has custody of him and is not absent in his life.  she may be a royal pain to your DH.. but you need to not pit her son against her.

2.  Stop encouraging that "real mom" stuff.  You aren't his real mom.  You are someone that may care very much for him.  I love my stepdaughters.. but I am still stepmom.. they have a mother.. who has her own set of flaws.. but it would be wrong for me to try to push her out of their lives.  "Aww.. comon SS.. you have a real mom,  but that doesn't make me love you any less'

3.  Your DH needs to go over the teacher's head to make sure the school realizes that he has legal rights to his son's information.  Now.. they don't owe YOU answers on the child necessarily.. they don't have to keep you in the loop.. but his father.. yes.  He dosn't need to be an Ahole about it.. but he should make sure they have the necessary copies of paperwork to prove it.

4.  your husband needs to tell his son to stop engaging with his mother about you and his father.  It's simply.. "son, obviously your mother and I couldn't make our relationship work.  But, that doesn't mean that it's your place to fight out our differences.  I expect that when you are with your mother that you don't engage with her on topics surrounding our household.  There is no need for you to get into conflicts with her over me or my wife.

prairie_lynx28's picture

1. I have NEVER encouraged SS to call me mom, or BM, well BM. He  started doing that on his own. I have had several talked with him about why he does this, and he is consistent. He hates his BM for everything she says about us and him. I not my DH have ever asked him to defend us, he just does it. He loves us so much that he can't stand the lies she tells about us. He takes after his dad, and doesn't back down from problems. That's just his personality. We have tried to talk with him, but no matter what we say or how often we say it, I am mom DH is dad and BM is a thing he has to deal with (his words, not mine!) I like to make everybody happy, but I can't find the center grounds here. BM wants nothing more than to take SS from DH to hurt him. Meanwhile she's hurting herself and her son.

ESMOD's picture

while it probably would gall you to do it.. when he tries to talk negatively about her.. he should be discouraged.

"I know your mom has her issues.. but she does love you.. and in her mind, she is doing what she thinks is right too."

"We love that you want to spend time here with us.. but we also want you to have a good relationship with your mom... "

"Sorry that your mom is bringing things up like that with you.. you need to do your best to just not react and let it past.. in the end.. it's realy her own issues that are causing her to lash out in frustration"

 

sickofstephell's picture

That is nonsense. My skids mother left FIVE of them to live in a van like a bum with her boyfriend! Encouraging my skids to have respect for, to have love for, or to have faith in someone like that is preposterous! That would only assist her in disappointing them and it will make them think that I think it's okay that she left them! Yes, she is their mother. BUT that does not give her a pass to treat them like they don't even exist and then STILL be loved and respected for it! That is bizarre!

LawMom25's picture

Im honestly surprised at the amount of people on this site who can rant about their "crazy BM" but then turn around and say things like "but oh you shouldnt allow the child to talk bad about their BM"...yeah thats BS. Once a child is old enough to start recognizing crazy behavior; especially if they have one home that is "normal", drama-free, structured and caring and the other is shitshow of "mommy friends" sleeping over, no food in the house, missing or always late to school, "sleepy" mommies, etc... they are going to start sharing those emotions with those they feel close to. Yes, most of that time that person is NOT a stepparent but sometimes kids do confide in their stepparent and there is a way to acknowledge the child's true emotions and fears while not "dogging" on the parent in question. Making statements like "oh dont say that shes your mother..." is demeaning to the child and the act of them expressing their feelings. It makes them feel that the parent cant EVER be held accountable and reinforces that certain behaviors are "justified" if they are carried out by someone who is your biological parent. Thats the same thing we see in cases of physical and sexual abuse where a child tries to tell someone what they are experiencing in the home and people say things like "oh that isnt true, they are your father, they love you they would never hit you" or "stop it they are your uncle..you must have misunderstood his affection". It creates this notion in the child's mind that the parent automatically has a free pass to treat them however they wish and the child can't do anything about it. Trust me...that is FAR more detrimental to a child's emotional and mental well-being then simply listening to them and saying "Im sorry you feel that way/Im sorry that happened, how can I help you feel better?" You arent bashing the parent but at the same time youre not saying "Dont say that because they are your ______"

 

sickofstephell's picture

EXACTLY! I agree with everything that you said.

It is not a bad thing for a child to grow up and starting seeing the dysfunction for what it is. The children who are blind to it and still think "mommy or daddy are perfect despite all of the crap they pull" are the ones I would worry about more.

None of my steps feel positively towards their mother and I would never blame them for that.

Siemprematahari's picture

Prairie~I see you and H are doing your best given the situation. If SS wants to be with you both and you/h are fine with pursuing custody, go for it. You may not be his BM but you love and have his best interest at heart. When it comes to SS's comments about his mother, however tempting it may be just remain objective and just reassure him that you and H have his well-being at heart and in time things will sort out.

I wish you, H and SS the best possible outcome in all this. He's fortunate to have such a loving person like you.