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DH giving up on SD

Plantmom's picture

DH has aareally hard time over the holidays because BM won't let him see SD usually from before Thanksgiving to after New year's. I've asked DH a few times what he is getting SD10 for Christmas he keeps saying he will just take her shopping when he gets her next which probably won't be until January. SD was particularly bratty to him this year and said awfulathings about our house and refused to see him. She has said ue can pickpher up for breakfast or go to the movies and then take her home. DH is not willing to drive 6 hours round trip just towatch a amovie or have breakfast and then take her right home. He has not bought her a single thing for christmas. I take my cue from DH and we shop together for her. Because of that as of now she is getting no gifts. This is a little strange to be honest and he has never given up on her like this before. I wonder what is going through his head?

We decided to skip Christmas this year aside from giving a few gifts because we were not into it. DH often gets very depressed around christmas because SD does not want to see him. It's a holiday for kids and his lid wants nothing to do with him. I figure I would rather skip it that watch him mope.

He said "maybe we'll be more into christmas when we have kids." We're trying for a baby and my husband is very excited because he can have a child that won't be turned against him.  He's excited to be able to raise aakid his way rather than be shut out by lying cheating BM. BM has turned SD into a mini BM that hates him as much as she does so my DH is disengaging from his own daughter! 

Has anyone had their husband react this way? I really thought it would take until SD was a teen for him to disengage but she's 10 and got an attitude already. He gets no love or attention from her, just hate so he's disengaging.





Siemprematahari's picture

I don't consider your H giving up on his daughter but rather trying to take care of his own mental well being by not allowing the parental alienation to consume him. I can't imagine how hard the holidays must be for him and how much it hurts that he's not able to see her but after the New Year hopefully he can plan something for them both where they can spend time together. In the meantime make the best of the holidays with him and look at the other things in life that there are to be grateful for.


justmakingthebest's picture

We have had to make that step back this year too. SS14 made this radical flip at the end of Aug-Sept. He won't even speak to DH right now. We have a GAL involved and are trying to work it through the courts. We are 1300 miles away so there isn't much we can do if he refuses to talk and BM refuses to do anything but call DH names. 

We aren't giving SS a gift for Christmas this year either. We got the kids all a vacation. If SS shows up, great. If not-- he misses out and that is his loss. We got trip insurance. 

It has been a super hard transition for DH and me too... A lot of tears have been shed and the hurt is something that I don't think that we will ever come back from 100%. There is no trust left for me to give SS. DH might be able to if there are ever afforeded the opportunity to get to the bottom of things. I don't think I will though. I think that you just have to take your cue from your DH on this one. Let him deal with it on his own time. 

Monkeysee's picture

Yes, my DH went through a similar thing w his daughter earlier this year. I don’t consider her my SD so I never mention her.. I’ve never met her & possibly never will.

DH’s daughter lives in Germany, we’re in Scotland, and she’s been alienated from him basically her whole life. DH & BM1 had a very short relationship & when he made it clear they’d be parents but not partners she shut him out. 

He’s always paid CS & has kept in touch w BM1 over the years to ask about daughter, and kept hoping one day they’d have a relationship. 

Late last year BM1 put DH in contact with daughter & he was ecstatic, finally thought he’d get a relationship with her. Turns out it was a ploy for money, and when he refused to pony up daughter went radio silent. 

DH went from loving his kid from afar to disengagement in the blink of an eye, he was so incredibly hurt. Daughter is old enough to know what she’s doing to a degree so he holds her accountable as well, though moreso BM1.

He doesn’t talk about her at all, says she’s not a part of our lives (which she genuinely isn’t, I don’t even know what this kids voice sounds like), and isn’t interested in speaking to her whatsoever unless it’s genuine contact with no strings attached. Like that’s gonna happen.

I’ve read so many stories about the weirdness that can happen when estranged daddees and daughters meet again when daughters ‘all growed up’, and I don’t ever want to deal with that. As horrible as it sounds, a part of me hopes she stays gone forever.

At this point I highly doubt it’d ever be a normal healthy relationship considering she’s been PAS’d her whole life, and I’ve had enough drama w BM2 & inlaws to fill my plate indefinitely. I’ll support him regardless, but if she’s anything like BM1 (and it seems she is), I’d rather not have her around. 

Sorry that was really long winded!! I think when our DH’s feel hurt enough from these people it can flick a switch in their minds & they’d rather keep the people who hurt them away, even if it’s their child. That’s what my DH did & it seems that’s what yours did as well.

Find a way to make the holidays as enjoyable for YOU as you can, and offer DH the support he needs. But no moping, moping sucks for e.v.e.r.y.o.n.e... 

CLove's picture

Just backing away and leaving an open door. Thats how my DH puts it to me. Recently he received a nasty toxic text, telling him what a horrible father he is and has been, how he was never there for her, and now refuses to talk to him, when she sees him, while she is living with her mother, ToxicTroll. And blames it on the fact that he chose me over her, etc. Long story short, she is still getting a car from him, as promised, when she gets her license. Currently she takes uber to and from her job. 

I just think that as she gets older, perhaps these selfish twits will get their heads out of their a$$, but that remains to be seen.

Im sorry your DH is in such a funk. Mine is heartbroken, to say the least, but it isnt our doing, it is the SD's, and it isnt our burden to bear, it is DH's. 

I would suggest NOT skipping out on Christmas - create your own traditions! Spend time with family, if you can. We have been lazy about things this year, but its going to be ok. We still have one SD, Munchkin SD12. Shes a preteen but very nice, for the most part. When we have her with us, we have done stuff. I dont have children of my own and am too old now, any way, but when I was single I went to everything. And had a blast. Go out dancing! Do things FOR YOU. DH will rise above all this and eventually join the party.

tog redux's picture

Yes, as the others said, leave the door open but don't wait by it.  Get on with life. If she does come back, she needs a healthy father, not one who has been moping and making himself miserable.

And don't buy into whatever BS she and BM are slinging at him about what a horrible father he is.

Gotta be honest, my SS was alienated from 15-18, talked to DH for about 3 months and now, radio silence again.  He's become the kind of person neither of us want to be around, unfortunately.

ESMOD's picture

Is the 10 year old the one saying he can come pick her up.. or is that her mom dictating it?

What does the custody order state with regards to his visitation.  To be honest.. I think he is probably allowing the distance to come between them because in many ways it's easier for him.. the path of least resistance so to speak.  I know a young man who's father just died.. they didn't have a great relationship.. but the father gave up on the son.. just as much as the son did on his dad.  Now the guy has to live with the fact that there is no more time to make ammends.

I understand your husband's hurt.  It is tough when you live a little further away from your kids.  My dh's kids lived about 3 hours away for several years.. and there literally were times when he would drive 6 hours round trip just to see them.  In a way.. I think that even though it's a lot to ask.. for just a little time, he should probably do it.  It's one day he can dedicate towards his daughter.. not particularly efficient use of time.. but it is what he is being offered.  to turn it down is like fulfilling the prophecy that "daddy doesn't care about you".  And I get it.. you don't like the mom or the girl.  I was not a huge BM fan either (still am not).. but I think he should try to be the adult and push for a relationship wiht his daughter.

And to you it seems selfish that she wants to do fun stuff.. or spoiled.. but it is hard to leave your home.. go to a strange house where you don't have friends.. or your normal entertainment.. so I kind of understand her "bored" act.. I know my sds thought that sometimes about visiting

I would support whatever he wants to do.. but I don't know why he isn't pushing to exercise his visitation with his daughter?

Plantmom's picture

It used to be BM that was keeping him from visiting. She would not answer his calls and make threats that she would never let him see SD again if he filed for contempt. He didn't want to traumatize SD by involving the police. He probably shot himself in the foot not going the legal route.

Now it's SD not BM who is saying she doesn't want to see him. There is something else she would always rather do. She will negotiate with DH and say things like she will see him if he takes her on a vacation or some other ezpenexpe thing. She always just wants to go eat or see a movie, not interact with DH. I think if he got to talk to her more often it would be ok but she will try to get him off the phone asap and not want to see him either. She used to me so happy to see him and we'd always have fun. It's like a switch flipped. She is 10 and even more of a momma's girl so it's not like she is rebelling from both parents.

BM is pregnant and I think SD is worried about missing something with her new family.

Harry's picture

You can bang your head into the wall. Only some many time you get rejected. 

shamds's picture

aged sd22, ss20 & sd13

so much attitude, disrespect, bratty behaviour. 

He had gotten sd13 a phone so he could contact her directly as she always loved spending time with him and he wanted a direct line of communication to her since their mum kidnapped them 6 years ago to avoid hubby getting custody of her as she automatically lost custody when she remarried (that was written in court order), sd22 told hubby sd13 couldn’t have a phone as wouldn’t focus at school.

sd22 admitted her mum schemed and lied about so many things about hubby but still had the nerve to tell hubby that they couldn’t be a family when he did all that imaginary bullshit her mum alleged

ss20 has never acknowledged me and our 2 kids with hubby aged 1.5 & 3, disrespects us and admits we are a maid to clean the home and suddenly when hubbys family comes over acts nice nice but they don’t buy his bullshit. Recently he told hubby he was free one saturday to meet his sisters like last time (that meant sisters from exwife) where all 3 kids acted like fake happy family and hubby hadn’t moved on remarried with wife #2, a total upgrade from disgraceful wife #1.

1st meet alone hubby told these 3 kids i was being made executor of his will/life insurance policy and it was at my discretion how that money would be split should he die. This was to force total integration as a united family amongst these 3 kids. They are too stupid to understand the consequences of their actions

2nd meet hubby told them he would no longer go along as they excluded us intentionally and acted like we didn’t exist when we are very much a part of hubbys heart and life and future, something their mum isn’t

surprise surprise ss20 has “imaginary stress syndrome”, sd22 just graduated university from a business degree and on advice of her sd who isolated and neglected her and her sister told her to work at his friends petshop, she wants to increase her retail knowledge, a skill she doesn’t need for her degree qualifications, its like ex and sd are purposely trying to keep them dumb. Hubby was excluded from her graduation despite giving her an allowance so she could focus solely on her studies.

the 2 eldest stepkids are a disgrace and now that behaviour is rubbing on the eldest. The only thing different about our 2 kids is i’m their mum and i do not tolerate this bullshit behaviour.

hubby has said if i were to leave him now which i have every right to do because of the difficult place i’m in and how these kids emotionally abuse us, hubbys whole world would fall apart and he would move overseas to be with me because 3 stepkids are a lost cause, he’s given up completely. 

They only contact him when they need something