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Controlling BM and a rant

Plantmom's picture

BM always sends SD12 with an assignment for when my DH has her. Things like DH must buy her new school clothes or supplies. She has a project that is due Monday and we have to buy all the supplies and help her with it and we find out about it Saturday morning. If it's not shopping or school related she will tell him what movie to take SD11 to and it can't be one that BM wants to take her to, or what restaurant to feed her at. She also calls SD11 all the time and SD11 will put her on speaker so we have to hear her snotty voice. She tells SD11 all these pushy things to tell us about what we should be doing. Oh I don't mean we, I mean DH because  BM pretends like I don't exist. If she happens to hear my voice through speaker phone she will scoff in the ugliest way as if she is disgusted that I am in the presence of SD and I'm just some whore. We are married and have been together for 5 years and she acts as though I am some flavor or the week 

My husband usually ignores all these assignments but then BM calls after we return SD to tell him he's a horrible father. BM is being controlling. DH only has 2 weekends a month and BM has to tell him what to do. It's like she is terrified of him being a Disney parent or of SD11 having too much fun. 




SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

I would use the school project for fun bonding time. My own DH and DD spent a couple hours the other day making a leprechaun trap for school. They painted and learned how to make papier-mâché and had one on one time. School is not cutting into DH’s parenting time, it’s what parents do.

Everything else, ignore BM. Do what you feel like and what fits your schedule/budget. If BM squawks just ignore her. Let her know that she doesn’t control DH’s time with SD and it’s unfair that she’s trying.

Plantmom's picture

I agree he should be inovlved in school stuff but BM springs this on us usually on a weekend when she will only let us have SD11 for the day and not an overnight. That means we have to stay in BM's town and do the project in a public space. Since we don't find out about the porjects until SD shows up in the car with a folder we don't have a computer or supplies. We have to do research on our phones and print stuff out at staples and buy all new supplies and tools even though we have them at home. It turns the visit into a high stress situation that we are almost sure to fail at since it's rushed. I can't believe BM would jeopordize SD11's grades like this just to make us look bad. 

SteppedOut's picture

What the hell BM...that is crazy!

But you said she will only let your husband have sd for the day, not overnight.

Is court ordered visitation set up? If not, why? I think if a court order is in place a lot of these type of issues would be cleared up. 

Plantmom's picture

That only happens sometimes when there is a family party or something on the other day and you just try to convince a crying SD11 to miss her cousin's birthday...

notsobad's picture

In that case I'd tell SD that he's very very sorry but he simply doesn't have the time or place to put together a project. He could Maybe buy the stuff but tell SD she'll have to do it on her own.

Then I'd take her to whatever movie BM said NOT to go see.

Winterglow's picture

I don't understand ... if your DH gets two weekends a month, how come bm gets to dictate that he doesn't get overnights? What does the CO say about visitation? If it doesn't specify "no overnights" then why doesn't your dh just keep his child for the whole weekend?

scook10's picture

you'd have to research exact suggestions for how to do it. But you cannot 'coparent' with someone who acts like that. How do I know? Because I WAS her! I tried to control everything the first year of our divorce. I had such a hard time letting go of 100% being there for everything. Eventually, I figured it out. But it wasn't easy. I'm so glad my ex told me what I was doing and ignored me when I got out of hand. Taught me alot. Now we parallel parent and it's awesome. Hardly ever speak and the kids don't have to hear about or feel tension. when I have the kids, I'm in charge of what is going and what needs to be done, and same for when he has them, he's in charge. This means most of the work falls on me, but it's worth the peace of mind. I forget how old your SD is, but is she old enough to know when she has homework due and if she needs something for school like shoes or clothes? if so, then she can tell her dad what she needs to do and when and leave BM out of it if she can't geta grip. 

tankh21's picture

I cannot help but laugh at this Golden Uterus Women who think they run their exes lives just because they have kids with them. The BM can only dictate what your DH does with his time when your SD is there if he allows her to. Ignore, Ignore, Ignore the psycho. Is there a CO? If so, then there is usually a clause in the CO that states that parents cannot talk derogatory to each other. If BM calls your DH because he is ignoring your demands just document and keep everything. Controlling people hate nothing more than someone who ignores them.

libala924's picture

I would tell BM if she has suggestion or requested she can put in writing Via email and the child does not have to be included.

That DH will concider her requests if it makes sence to what he has allready planed. 

If she knows of a project that is due for school they can talk about a plan to who, what when and where and he (DH) needs to know as soon as her or the child knows of the project. 

That if there are things the BM would like to do with the SD, such as a movie coming out she should let DH know this is somthing she has planned in advance not the weekend coming out and he (DH) will do the same.

ALso that the SD can call her BM at a certain time everyday that she is with DH but all throught the day. 

Thumper's picture

There are a few things going on that MAY help you.

1. Childs time is extremely limited with Dad AT dads home. One 24hour period, correct? Even if it was friday - Sunday. Doesnt matter. Here is a fix...tell bm to stop calling. LET it go to voice mail. IF your scared to do this have a lawyer send her a letter to buzz off. Dh can have child call as they head out the door to meet back with BM so she knows kids is on the way. If bm doesnt not like that, let her take dh back to court. Dh's lawyer will slam her for excessive calling. Interfering with childs time with ncp AND tying child to a phone. Visitation is for separate time with ncp without cp monopolizing it. Oh and one more thing...BM can NOT micromanage dh's time with his daughter. For goodness sake UNLESS the Judge ordered dh to always answser calls...stop doing it.

Our BM and her clan would call upwards of 12times a day we ended that quickly.

2. You should not be surprised about projects IF you and dh are tracking kids school work directly with teacher. Call the school ask for Guidance Counselor. dont talk to front desk... and get on board with the teacher via email "TODAY" AND first a telephone call directly.. I BET ya, the bm was given this stuff far in advance and Bm is just lazy.  IN the mean time...dont do it.

It will be very interesting to learn the truth about this from the teacher.  PS. never depend on BM to give you report cards, picture days, field trip info, dance info...dh must get on board with all things about his child. Even if that means you help out a little and get on line with school. Also, sign up for robo calls from school. They will call with inclement weather events, school plays, school activities---even IF kid owes lunch money Wink You can call the front desk and ask for the school counselor for everything above. Many Bm's have minions who are guarding the gate for everything. So, bypass ladies at the front office.

Clothing and school supplies..........Clothing DH buys stays at DH's house. BM has child support right..Well there you have goes to dads part in school clothing, supplies etc. Follow the court order. If you dont know what is in it, find it and read it.

IF bm calls dh a awful dad, sounds to me more like BM is a very lazy mother who has the child 28 out of 30 days. It appears she is not able to keep up with childs school work during the abundance of time she has.

She is a winner for sure.


Maxwell09's picture

BMs are BMs. You should focus on what you can fix which is your DH’s acceptance of her behavior—that is after all why she continues to do it week after week. He needs to start shutting her down immediately then ignoring her. The easiest of examples to fix is when BM starts being ugly on the phone DH needs to simply HANG UP. Every single time she scoffs or tries to dictate your household or make plans for your SD on his time, he needs to cut her off. He can send her a text afterwards saying something simple like, “I have already made plans with SD this weekend, we do not want/need you to make plans for us or our household. If you would like to talk to SD please keep it friendly and positive so it doesn’t disrupt her or upset her.” Then rinse and repeat again and again and again (because she will keep trying to lull you back into her control).  

My second suggestion is more on the pettier side but when SD has a project I would go all out and make it fun and take pictures and post them. Make it into a big deal that you all got to work on something SD could be proud of and show off. One post like that going public and BM will stop sending anything of the sort to your house. If it’s something lame like a book report then do as you’re doing and send it back undone every time. When BM calls to berate your DH, he needs to shut her down with “if you would like me to do her homework with her then perhaps I need to get her mid week for few hours to get it done. I will not spend my few 48 hours with her doing homework when she shouldnt be working on projects last minute anyway. Let me know what time to pick her up mid-week” Most BMs will refuse to give dad the extra time and still send the work but at least you have it in email (always communicate in a medium that a judge will accept as credible) that he offered to help, ask for extra time, offered to be a part of schooling and BM was again manioulating his time. 

As for how she feels about you, well...welcome to the club. Just do your best to always say nice things about BM to your SD. Your sd will overhear BM say mean things about you but that won’t jive with what she hears you saying about BM. Eventually she will see it was all just BM being mean (insecure) and you don’t hate BM the way BM hates you (even if you do *biggrin*) 

shamds's picture

dad because he didn’t do daughters homework, he needs to throw that back on bio mum. She came here on saturday with you demanding we help her finish her assignment due 2 days later that she hadn’t started on. Big question should be “what have you been doing with your time and why is it on me to always be buying supplies? Can you not be bothered to do it”.

the calls on speaker phone, sd needs to be told immediately to put call off speaker phone and respect the other people at home not having to listen to an unnecessary call she is perfectly capable of handling private

my husbands exwife has never met me, sdaughters showed pics of me to her but she made up so much crap about me to them and its all lies. I am a Western whore and she must protect kids from hubby... I ignore her and her bullshit and so does hubby

Winterglow's picture

sd needs to be told immediately to put call off speaker phone and respect the other people at home not having to listen to an unnecessary call she is perfectly capable of handling private

I'm on the petty side, I'd drown out a few calls with Deep Purple (hope she hates that, the best of Disney could be another solution, if not) and once she complained, THEN I would tell her to not use speaker phone :) 

OTOH, given OP's DH sees her for so few hours, I think I(dd probably confiscalte the phone the minute she was picked up and give it back to her when she left.

strugglingSM's picture

The BM in my life does that. She loves to tell DH what he can't do and what "my children will not be doing." After BM's latest threats of suing DH we got a lawyer and the lawyer basically said that BM has no say in DH's house, which we already knew, but having a lawyer say that to DH was super helpful. 

I've done many projects that I didn't know about until that weekend. BM used to love to say that DH was "required" to do half the school projects, but really, we see the kids 4 days a month and she would always scream if DH tried to call on "her time", so how were we really supposed to work on projects. That said, the best projects either SS ever produced were done with my assistance. The second year they had science projects due, they fought over who could work with me. 

That said, I know that DH will be told, either today or tomorrow, that he is required to take the kids to flag football on the weekend. I know this because I follow the youth football page on FB (so I have access to the schedule, since BM doesn't share it) and BM commented today on signing both kids up. Mind you, she and DH have joint decision-making on sports and according to BM, she puts in "herculean efforts" to co-parent, but has she mentioned a word of this to 

Some women just think that because they gave birth to a child that they are entitled to control that child's life. Of course, one SS will never be a productive member of society, so I hope BM is willing to take full control of supporting him well into adulthood, since she has created the monster that he is becoming. 

elkclan's picture

OK the BM in this situation sounds absolutely awful... and a bit like the BM in my life. There's no way I'd be doing homework projects in public spaces like that - but my SO does it.  We also have to put up with random extra assignments that she gives the kids - like language apps and she actually phones up if her version of the app doesn't indicate they've done it by a certain time in the morning.

I don't have an issue with her wanting the kids to do this stuff, but I don't like MY time controlled. Sometimes it goes so far that it starts to interfere with MY parenting time with MY son. Oh no she don't...

But on the other hand my son spends 3 nights a week with my ex. Ex has NEVER logged on to the homework monitoring system. When he spends weekends with my ex they do NO homework unless I explicitly tell him there is an assignment. He does not ask about homework or studying for tests. Mostly I just make sure it's done, but when custody is split this much it's unfair that all of it should land on me so sometimes - yes, I do let him know that he needs to do a homework with BS. My ex has big aspirations for my son's academic achievement but does NOTHING to help him. That is left to me - and while I am grateful that my SO helps me out a lot in this area (mainly in the subjects he loves) - it's still my responsibility. Ex had the gall to call me up when an assignment wasn't done on time and my son got a disciplinary point for it. He only knew because the school texted and he was only concerned because the detention would have fallen in his custody time. (In this case, I knew about it, my son had not copied down the full information, neither I nor my SO who are both good at math could figure it out. We told him to get additional info and what to ask for, but he didn't and so homework couldn't be completed.)

People who say that the kids should just get the consequences are full of it. It's a tough old world out there and I'm not going to let my son flounder - especially when he already lives 3 days a week in flounder-ville. My kid is only 11 and does not yet have either the perspective or the organisational skills to stay fully on top of this stuff. Later on he will, but right now he does not. Obviously I let him take the consequences of that non-completion that time because I helped him as much as I could barring actually calling the teacher myself, which I will not do. 

So yes there are BM's who overstep and micromanage, but there are a lot of dads out there who just want the fun times and a lot of it either to reduce child support or just to mess with their ex, but they aren't willing to actually parent. Sadly I have both of these in my life. Grrrr.