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Do I have any say with baby mama?

Pinky20's picture

I have had the biggest headache with my husbands baby mama, she decided to move 168 miles away with the new love of her life 2 weeks after she broke up with the last guy she was with. 

My husband tried to tell her she shouldn't move to fast with it and not move so far away because she would have no one to help her if something were to happen. She went on and on about how she isn't gonna past up her chance to be happy and in love 

*cause her wants and needs are more important than anything else*

She said nothing will change she will drive back and forth when it's are weekend for his daughter.

So she moves ok, well first weekend she wants us to drive an hour to meet her, this literally will not work for me. 

1. My car is are only viechle , and I don't wanna push my car or the interstate. Due to my husband getting in a car wreck with it

2. My job and work schedule 

And it's not like I don't want to get his daughter or anything it's the fact that she always goes back or her work and changes stuff or waits last minute to tell us stuff

My husband gets so aggervated over all this. Always saying he will probably have to take her back to court, he spoke to his lawyer and they said she couldn't move over 100 miles away and she has!

But he still hasn't done anything. And it's causes me and him problems, I feel like he doesn't understand what I'm trying to say. It's like she tells us what we can and can't do.

And she has another kid with a different guy, my husband talks to, and I told him they need to get on the same page and tell her she needs to bring them to us. But I honestly think they are both scared to put their foot down to her and call her out.

She decided to uproot and move far away, that's all on her we shouldn't have to go out of our way to make it easier on her.






hereiam's picture

I don't understand what you are asking with your title? What "say" do you want to have with the BM?

You absolutely have a say as to whether your car is used for transportation or not. If your husband has no means to pick up his daughter and the BM won't bring her like she promised, I guess he is not going to be able to see her and that is on the BM.

If your husband isn't willing to take her to court, that is on HIM.


Pinky20's picture

I forgot to mention I put my foot down weekend before last and my mother in law picked up SD.

And she shouldn't have to run an hour outta her way for that. 

And I was thinking it is my car and my say, so I'll have to just let him get mad at me for not letting him use it

I just wonder if I should tell BM what I think cause no one else will

justmakingthebest's picture

So what your husband needs to do is file for emergency custody because she took the child out of the area that she was allowed. Not saying he will win but he will more than likely make her 100% responsible for transportation.


To answer your title question though... unfortunately you do not get any say in any of this unless your husband lets you. Then HE can speak for both of you. You don't matter in the eyes of the court in any of this.

ESMOD's picture

I am gonna call out the BIG elephant in the room.

Why on earth does your boyfriend not have a car?

I'm going to give you some advice from a much older woman with a lot of experience.  A dude with a baby from another women that he doesn't have under control and he doesn't even have a car?  Baby.. lose him.  He is going to be an anchor on your life.. and not in a good way.

For the love of all that is holy.. please... please... use birth control and do NOT have a child with a man who is so financially strapped that he doesn't have his own reliable transportation. 

Even if there is a legit medical reason why he can't drive.. he should be ensuring that he is PAYING you to have your car in good condition since he is using it and you.

Pinky20's picture

He has a truck, we canceled the tags and plate.

He said he will get it road ready again if he has to keep meeting her 

But I told him it's a waste of money $80 in gas just for the trip and on top of that the insurance cost.


ESMOD's picture

Why did you cancel them?  does he have a driving record issue and can't afford the insurance?  

It sounds like he is woefully in a bad financial place... and he is relying on you to fmake up the difference.  

I mean, can't you do better than a guy with a baby with another woman who can't even afford to keep a vehicle on the road?  How does he get to work?

Disneyfan's picture

Are you looking for a solution that doesn't involve you or your car?  


Are you simply interested in having this resolved in the manner that you want?

He has the perfect(and responsible) solution that has zero impact on you or your car.  The only thing she should do is request that BM agrees(or is ordered) to do half of the driving.


Aniki's picture

I'll call out the other BIG Elephant in the room...

What will your boyfriend do if you are no longer in the picture?

BM is HIS problem. 
BM moving over 100 miles away is HIS problem.
Fixing custody issues are HIS problem.
Transportation for SD is HIS problem.
No car is HIS problem. 

NONE of this is YOUR problem. Your problem is that you have allowed this man to take advantage of your kindness and generosity. Tell him to grow up and take care of HIS business.

Aunt Agatha's picture

You buy it.  Or in this case he needs to get it repaired.

Otherwise, only rich women can afford to be sugar mommas.  There is no way you should be doing any of this for him.  He's taking advantage of you.

You deserve better.

tog redux's picture

BM isn't really the issue here. Your DH has can't support himself, doesn't have a car and has taken no action to get to court and have the order changed so BM has to drive. 

And no, don't say anything to BM. Focus on the problems in your home. 

Petronella's picture

No you don't have any "say" with the BM, and why would you want it? She's the least of your problems. Your boyfriend is the problem. 

Stop lending him your car and stop supporting him financially.


somethingwicked's picture


Pinky20's picture

From what I gather...

DH is my main issue BM isn't my problem it's his, I guess I've been taking all this in as I have a dog in the fight per say, but I don't and the overload of stress all this causes me is unnecessary. I think I need to learn to step back let him deal with it all and he can deal with all the stress and rage

Cause it's killing me slowly 




tog redux's picture

Yep, you got it. This is HIS problem, not yours. He can sell his truck and buy a car, he can go back to court to discuss BM moving away, he can get his mother to do the driving, he can get a second job to pay for putting his truck on the road. What he can't do is make this YOUR problem. 

ESMOD's picture

Honey... please.. please.. you CAN do better than a loser that can't afford to keep a vehicle on the road. For real.

You can do better than a guy that not only can't take care of himself (no vehicle).. but can't uphold his existing obligations to a child he created with another woman (who is apparently just as selfish as HE is).

This isn't about what you should have a say in.. because every bit of this mess is HIS fault.  He had a child.  He mated with crazy. He doesn't have a vehicle.  He is an entitled heckhole to expect you to pick up his slack.

but I'm sure he looooooooves you baby.. right?  says all the right things.. everything will get better he says.  It's not his fault he wrecks a car.. can't pay his bills.. loses his job etc.. because baby.. I love you and you are the best thing that ever happened to me.. and we have a future and by the way.. honey.. I need 20 bucks for smokes and beer.. 

I have zero hope that this guy is getting his act together.. all he will do is get you to rack up debt.. get your car totaled and he will likely leave you pregnant with no support.


justmakingthebest's picture

Good job!! You got it! 

Keep coming here for support - we are great at helping you come up with things you can do to take your life back!


Harry's picture

He can not used your car. 168 miles x both ways 336 x two times a month is 700 miles x12 month is 8,000 miles plus's exter trips  not to mention it will take 7 + hours each way .  Stop for food, rest room. 

Your DH figured out how to make this kid, let him figure out how to deal with this.  He better get a good car to used it. Like that