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Darts, Dildos and Daring Lingerie take two...

pickles45's picture

Sorry but I have to laugh at how my last blog got a little off topic! Actually I appreciated the laughter plus the comments from people who "took my side" so to speak.  I also try to aprreciate the other comments form those that think my way of thinking is wrong. Itdoes sometimes help me put things in perspective. 

I know I sound like I hate his daugher but I don't. I just hate the dynamics when she is here. I hate my SO's behavior most of all. I hate how he sees no issues with how things are when she is here. I hate the hot and cold, the on and off, 

He treats me like a roommate when she is here. He really truly is like Jekyll and Hyde. I was hoping counseling would help but all it's doing is highlighting the bad things about our realtionship with no ideas or solutions on how to make things better. 

Tonight is day two of her being here. I cannot go somewhere. I was gone for most of the day shopping. It is 10pm and we just got home from dinner and I have been drinking so please dont bother responding with "just go do your own thing". At dinner he rubbed her arm twice. Not a big deal except for the fact that he has not touched me in front of her in God knows how long. He doesn't smile or act happy, Not just when she is in the room but more and more the entire weekend when she is here

Yes I will be calling him out on this. But for now I am just venting on here because I have no one else to turn too. 

We get home from dinner and immediately he goes out to the garage. She changes as quick as she can, runs by me in the kitchen and they start to play darts. No "are you coming out?' From either of them. Yes I did buy the dart board for my SO for US. Yes I don't care if she plays once in awhile, but I wanted this to be our thing. And yes now I hate the fucking thing and will never want to play with him! Fuck him for ignoring me when she is here!

Oh and I do have a dildo to keep me company and he will not see me in daring lingerie for a long long time to come!!!

 

 

Comments

MurphysLaw's picture

LOL

MurphysLaw's picture

“Full time Dad”…?

 I think you mean Full time husband to his new mini wife.

 I guess Pickles will have to find a Real Man then.

pickles45's picture

Now the happy couple is downstairs watching hockey. A) I came down and said “you’re watching it down here? I thought you liked to watch it one the big screen.” ( meaning the one upstairs in the bonus room). His response “well you were up there” I was like “So you couldn’t come up?” He says “well you were on the phone”. Nice try! “I said “no my brother called after you had started watching the game”.

Dirol I HATE how she “loves” hockey because daddy does! She has her nose in her phone the entite time but cheers yells etc when he does, it’s like having a weird dog/parrot creature in my home! Oh and she was in her room when I was upstairs in the bonus room. The second I left it and started for downstairs is when she went down there! Seriously this shit is so fucked up!!!!!!

 

ntm's picture

Can the dartboard accidentally fall off the wall and break? Can the darts disappear? 

As for daddy caressing his mini-wife, can you vocally gag each time? Vomit a little in her direction? Knock over a drink? Coughing fit? Fall off your chair? Anything to break the behavior. 

Monkeysee's picture

I know you’ve said your SO is different when his daughter isn’t around, but is that really enough to put up with all of this?

I disagree with people who say you’re making an issue out of things. Tbh your SD sounds normal, albeit a bit clingy (which would drive me nuts as well, though not enough to dislike her), but the way your SO acts when she’s there is deplorable. 

You’ve said there’s no solution to it, but there is. How much of this are you willing to take? How long are you willing to live with a man who pushes you aside like you don’t exist every single time his princess is around?

This won’t get better. Princess will get older, get married & have kids.. do you think there will ever be a point where daddee thinks it’s appropriate to start treating you humanely in front of his kid? My guess is no, it’s just going to keep getting worse.

Stop fantasizing about how great this guy is when SD isn’t around. You’re with a Disney Daddee dud who’s never going to treat you the way you want to be treated. 

I’m not saying leave & leave now, but you need to decide what your breaking point will be. How much of this are you willing to put up with? Are you going to be ok in 15-20 years when she’s got kids and your SO ignores you around them too? What about her wedding where you’ll inevitably be taking a backseat, likely won’t be in any pictures, and maybe not even get to sit with him, because heaven forbid he puts you first in anyway on Princess’ big day.

I agree with the others there isn’t anything wrong with your SD, but your SO has issues. You deserve better but it’s up to you to decide how much of this crap you’re willing to put up with. He is nothing more than a dud, I don’t care how ‘great’ he is when SD isn’t there. One doesn’t balance the other, if it did you wouldn’t be feeling this way.

tog redux's picture

Yes, now this makes better sense to me.  All of this focus on how annoying SD is seems misplaced. Compared to some of these rotten skids on here, she just seems like a normal, if annoying at times, teen.

I don't know if you are making something out of nothing, because I'm not there.  I do think it's petty to count how many times he touches her vs how many times he touches you, BUT, it seems to highlight your feeling that he ignores you when she's there and that feeling is worth exploring.

I'm not sure if he does or if some of it is your misperception (after all, maybe he did think you were in the bonus room and wanted to be left alone, since you seem upset all the time when she's there).  But either way, you are unhappy, and that's what matters.

I'd suggest you just go to therapy alone and figure out what's you, what's him, and what you want to do about it.  If therapy only puts the focus on the bad stuff, maybe the bad stuff outweighs the good stuff.

Life is too short to be so miserable all the time - even half the time!  I was often certainly less happy when SS was here, but not miserable, and not so upset at him and DH all the time.  And when it started to get that miserable, DH picked up on it and made changes to our situation.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Pickles,

If this is too much to watch, don't. If it is your house too, tell him to carry on with her away from you, completely. You (like many of us), have become invisible whenever she is around, so why be around?  Time to teach daddeeee a few wifey lessons. This is rude behavior and you do not need to put up with it in your own house, period.  

She is likely doing a lot of this because she knows it leaves you out, daddeee is trying to keep her happy at any cost to you.  You, on the other hand, are miserable because you are  forced to watch their exclusionary show. 

It never gets better with men like these; daddeee never grows any (at least most of the time here); so take yourself out of their sick equation.  Daddee can see daughter elsewhere or have no wife; you need peace and you are the only one that can make that happen; nobody else cares. So....get it away from you, don't do it any longer, and unless daddeee can see the light he stays away with his darling when he is around her, as well.  And, even better, you will have your dart board back all to yourself again-- whenever he is worshipping his princess. I would drink a glass of wine and throw darts the entire time....you make your peace, it is up to you, unforuntately.

Mrs Fireball's picture

DH doesn't do this now but he pulled a stunt like this when we first moved in together, and it makes you feel invisible, not valued. 

DH took MSS and YSS to the pool and they came back, and OSS and his GF met us at the house. It was late so I made some taco fixings. DH had gone up to take a shower, and took forever and a day (I think he was getting all clean shaven to impress OSS' GF gag) and comes downstairs and I hear him in the living room interacting with OSS and GF, but never once poked his head in the kitchen to say Hi or check on me. 

So I fixed my plate, ate it, and started to go upstairs. DH caught me going upstairs and he KNEW I was pissed and I just said I was going to bed and GOOD NIGHT. He thought I was mad because the boys didn't come down for dinner. Um no, it's because I was The Ghost Who Cooks Dinner, literally. I was furious but he hasn't pulled any bullshit like that since. Except for ignoring me at our wedding reception. He should've took the bartender to our honeymoon suite. I swear. LMAO. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

more than input. Why does he need to touch you in front of her? Is that a way of somehow asserting your territory?  If you know that you are loved, does it really matter what he does to make his daughter feel comfortable for 2 weekends a month ?  If you do not know that you are loved, that has nothing to do with his daughter and everything to do with your relationship.

His daughter may not care how much her father cares for you, it is how much her cares for her that she needs constantly to reaffirm.

Women (daughters included) who are truly loved, feel loved 24/7 and are not constantly trying to weigh that love against some arbitrary standard.

You can insist that he act in a certain way , but that would be adherence and not love.  His daily actions and thoughtful gestures combined with his overall commitment to your well being demonstrate his love for you. If you have those things , you are loved. If not , all of the dart games and touching in front of his daughter mean nothing.

Assess what you truly have and choose your battles wisely.

 

 

Mrs Fireball's picture

Why shouldn't he touch her in front of SD? Why does he act differently when SD is there? It's not unreasonable to question her DH's Jeckyl/Hyde behavior. Why does he feel guilty about showing Pickles affection when SD is present?

CANYOUHELP's picture

And, in a prior post I was agreeing with CG, for the first time---back to my dissenting, lol...did not last long.

Okay, agreeing to disagree, just completely. It is not insecurity for OP to want to be visible like everybody else in the room, geeze.....She's not asking to have sex in front of the SD here...  She only wants to be included, as any normal person would be-- anywhere people are with class, who also have just a tad of decent breeding.

Right on Fireball....

Curious Georgetta's picture

When a game of darts is proposed.  I am certain that she is included in conversation  , and  she mentioned that they had all just returned from dinner.

So , clearly, she is not excluded from activities   .Touching your SO in front of others is neither a sign of class or good breeding, nor is the lack thereof an indication of anything . Most people just tend to do what their personal comfort zone permits 

As a practice, we would kiss our kids goodbye when we dropped them off at school.  When the older 2 reached  middle school , they asked us to stop doing this as it made  them uncomfortable in front of their friends whose parents no longer did this.  It did not  mean that they loved us less; it just meant that other people 's views and standards were also a  part of their decision making.  

 

 

 

 

CANYOUHELP's picture

I doubt she was even asked to be part of the game of darts, (she is the only one who knows), but it's my bet she is free to cook and clean after this fun filled bunch; she is likely expected to do so, so they can have additional time to exclude her in all family games and activities. If she is not married to this man, I am not certain what motivates her to stay.

Appropriate levels of attention ( ie...touching), is a sign of class and breeding, ask Mrs. Manners. Like I said, you and I can agree to disagree.  Hey, I agreed with you one time today, that is better than our average...LOL..

Disneyfan's picture

The OP and the SD were both invited to play.  The SD jumped up first( like any kid would do), Pickles got annoyed and decided not to join them.

susanm's picture

You are certain she is involved in comversation????  I know you are not a stepmother but you don't need to be quites so obvious about it!  There is NO certainty that a SM will be included in conversation the way any other person in polite company would be.  NONE.  It is incredibly common for daddddeeeee and the golden children to ignore the SM completely and only look over at her in silent surprise if she says something herself in an effort to join in.   Members post about it all the time.  So if this member says that she is being excluded when the SD is there and her H is oblivious to the damage he is doing to the marital relationship, I am inclined to believe her.

Disneyfan's picture

According to the OP, the man asked who wants to play darts.  The SD responded first and the OP opted out.

He invited them both to play.  

Even if he is excluded the OP and mistreating her at every turn, SHE IS MAKING THE CHOICE TI STAY IN THE RELATIONSHIP.

I was a SM for 5 1/2 years.  My ex cheated on me and put his hands on me ONCE and I ended it.  See, loved him but not I love me more.

Curious Georgetta's picture

Perhaps he just has a different feeling about  appropriate time and place. Why would you assume that guilt played any part in his actions. 

Disneyfan's picture

The most important question is why does she continue to live like this?

The behaviors she post about are clearly important and hurtful to her.  No woman should have to force/beg her SO to treat her in a manner that she deems acceptable/appropriate.

The fact that his behavior continues after she had made her feels clear speaks volumes.  Yet, she remains.  

He won't show his love for her infront of his kid.

She won't show him her love for herself by saying she won't live like that.

 

 

Monkeysee's picture

This is why your input is almost always misplaced and unhelpful. You don’t understand because you have never been through it. You don’t understand how isolating & horrible it can feel to be excluded by the person who is supposed to love you most. 

In no family, ever, does the hierarchy go: BP > children > spouse. Yet SP’s are expected to tolerate this BS as if it’s normal & they’re the ones having an issue because they’re being treated like sh*t by their SO’s.

You seem to think it should be all about this man’s daughter, but Pickles is important too. Her needs are not less important just because this man produced a child. His child is not the second coming of Christ & doesn’t need or deserve to be placed on a pedestal that no one in her life moving forward will be able to replicate. It’s not healthy to treat children as if they’re above adults. It just creates entitled, spoiled, needy children, and resentful spouses who never feel they’re being treated the way they deserve. 

Having a child is not license to be a sh*t partner, contrary to popular belief.

Curious Georgetta's picture

She is not treated as she deserves to be treated that is not a child problem that is a relationship  problem.

It   is an indication that she and her partner do not share the same views and perspectives and likely do not belong to together.

There is no right or wrong in this situation. There is only the way in which the 2 people involved view the situation and the way in which they each choose  to respond. When you recognize that your views and values are different different, you are recognizing that you may simply be incompatible in your views.

The OP may need to seek a more compatible partner.

This is not a failure just a recognition and acknowledgement of different point of view. The OP should not have to change her point of view, she just needs to find a partner who shares her point of view.

 

Monkeysee's picture

See, this is a statement I actually agree with. You’re right, this is not an issue with the SD, this is an issue with her SO. She’s unhappy, he won’t change, yet she’s banging her head against a wall because she wants what she wants from a man who will never give it to her. It’s never going to work, but it’s up to Pickles to decide for herself that enough is enough & she deserves better. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Pickles, I'm going to be blunt with you and you aren't going to like it:

At this point, all of your unhappiness is YOUR fault. Your SO had not suddenly sprang on you how he is going to act. This has been years in the making, and your unspoken solution is a very selfish one.

The only way you'll be happy is if SD is GONE. Either she never comes back for visitation or she is gone the entire time she should be there. It's not because you dislike SD. It's that you dislike the qualities you see in your SO around his daughter, qualities that he doesn't want to change.

So, instead of looking at your SO and saying, "man, I don't want to live like this", you drink yourself to the point of anger, you isolate yourself because you want to make your SO choose who he loves more (and him choosing to spend time with SD just further justifies your anger and self-pity), and then complain that therapy isn't helping because you wanted it to fix a problem that is only a problem for you that isn't yours to "fix".

SD isn't going anywhere. Your SO is going to act the way that he does, and he will do it more and more as you continue to isolate yourself more and more. I'll be honest, even if I were 100% the reason why someone else is drinking, the last thing I want to do is spend time with that person. I don't want to be around people who are going to bring me down. As twisted and unfair as that is, your SO isn't going to magically want to be around you and involve you when you suck the energy out of the room. Being away from you likely makes him AND SD feel better.

I'm not sure what you're hoping will change. That moping around will make him magically pull you in? That is a tactic I used in middle school. It didn't work then and it doesn't work now. People don't want to be around miserable people. You can either suck it up and be nice (which I think is a bad idea for your mental health), continue on as your are, or accept that this is how it is and move on with your life.

At this point, this is on you. Not on SO. You're not married, this isn't new behavior, and he has shown time and again that he won't change. This is a "fool me once, shame on you, but fool me twice, shame on me" situation. You're doing this to yourself, and why is a question I can't answer. I do understand that leaving, or accepting that life isn't what you thought it would be, is hard. But you have to make a choice between the two. This limbo state is only going to drive you crazy, and probably to the point of him leaving you.

tog redux's picture

Yes, yes - I agree.  This is what I always feel when I read OP's post. She's moping around the house complaining that he's watching hockey with his daughter and didn't ask her to join, or he hugged his daughter and not her, or they are playing darts without her, or whatever.  I always feel like it's a competition between two high school girls for a boy's attention, but only one of them has the right to act like a high school girl.

If this guy is such a flippin' jerk to her when his DD is over, then she needs to leave him.  Or find some other way to cope with the situation other than what she's doing, which is complaining, and moping and drinking.

pickles45's picture

Actually I keep my feelings very deeply inside of me. I come on here to vent but my external body language my tone my behaviors etc. all come off as me being completely normal.

 Trust me I could win an Academy award!!. I make a point of not making his daughter uncomfortable when she’s here. The last two nights after she’s gone to bed he’s come over to me and thinks everything is just fine. Trust me he’s not spending time with her because I am making things uncomfortable for him.

 The problem is when we weren’t living together for the first two years this kind of behavior wasn’t obvious to me because I lived in my own place and would come and go and the times we were together he was normal and affectionate. It’s like the second we moved in together he went into super hyper worry mode about her feelings and mine just got pushed to the sidelines. And my patience is just worn thin! it’s been two years of us living together and I don’t see things getting better I completely understand when we first moved in here that he had to make an extra effort to make sure she was comfortable. I did too. At this point my attitude is seriously just enough is enough. And I am reaching my breaking point!! if he doesn’t see my point of view and respect it and doesn’t start to  relax and start being himself every day including the day she’s here I don’t see us making it long term. And that is my point.

 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Here is where your thinking is misguided: you see his actions around you as being "his real self" and his actions around SD as "his other self".

The fact of the mattet is, BOTH are him. Everyone acts differently around different people, and each of those aspects make up who a person really is. Someone that I don't like is likely going to think I am a cold and distant person because I am not going to hug them and chat them up.

What you don't want to see and accept is that your SO is a multi-faceted human being, and one of those facets hurts you. You want him to change how he acts with someone else because it hurts. I 100% understand that, but you have to recognize that you aren't important enough TO HIM to change that facet he portrays to his daughter. She trumps you. End. Period. Dot.

That, or you really are THAT good of an actress and he TRULY doesn't know how disgusted you are because you only keep it bottled and only vent here.

The "real him" is the man who both treats you well and treats you like crap. Just like the "real you" is the one who treats him well but also plays up that she's fine when SD is around. What you're fed up with is that he doesn't live up to the fantasy that you have in your head that he should be, at all times. Again, I get it, but you have to come to terms with the fact that the man who presents himself to you every day is who this man truly is. Good, bad, and ugly.

tog redux's picture

Well, that's a problem, too. Why? Why aren't you telling him how you feel? When my DH pisses me off, he knows I'm pissed off, period.

Not telling someone that you are upset by something that's seriously upsetting you, is not healthy.  "SO -you continue to ignore me when SD is around, here's the examples ... "

How's he supposed to change what he's doing if he doesn't know what it is? If he thinks everything is fine, then why would he change?

If my DH kept repeated the same behavior he always has, I'd make a point of leaving for the time SD is there and letting him know why - can't take it again for 3 days, I'll be at a hotel sorting out my options. Playing like everything is fine won't help anything.  

Step-girlfriend's picture

Pickles has told him, unfortunately, many times. He promises to try harder and then does almost nothing to do so, while also defending his position that showing any affection to Pickles will make his daughter uncomfortable or jealous or whatever complete BS thing he has to say. So essentially, he doesn’t want to, nor does he see the need to change this aspect of his behavior. Pickles is just working on figuring out when she has had enough, or if she can find a way to deal with it. 

I still can’t imagine repeatedly doing something that I know for a fact hurts my SO. Everyone makes mistakes and hurts people on accident. But when you are doing it and are aware that you are doing it...not acceptable. 

 

Disneyfan's picture

You know, it really is OK to say I fell in love with the wrong person.  We have all fell for someone who wasn't a "good fit" for us.

I just don't understand why some women will fight so hard to hang onto a man that makes them feel so miserable.  When do you start to love yourself and value your own happiness?

The man is an absolute jerk, but he isn't forcing you to stay with him.  

tog redux's picture

This is a resounding theme for me on this board.

Maybe I don't compartmentalize well, but I could not hang onto love or respect for many of these men - the ones who are crap parents, Disney dads, coddle their mini-wives, support BM, dismiss their wife's feelings, let their kids run feral, expect the SM to parent, refuse all reasonable boundaries, etc.

I couldn't even stay if I hated his kid as much as some people do on this board. 

Monkeysee's picture

Amen!

STaround's picture

But I really believe how Tina Turner put it, I dont care who's wrong or right, I dont wanna fight no more.

Not all relationships were meant to be

 

shamds's picture

Caressing their daughters in a loving wife way (sexual intimate way) is perfectly ok and not gross

like in other posts i’ve seen here its just not normal to caress your daughter the way you would sexually with your wife.... if that ever happened with my husband and sd22 & sd14 i would walk off in anger... thats just too much. There’s just something wrong with these men stroking and cuddling their daughters in that kind of way