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New step daughter aged 39 I feel resentment and jelousy.

PhilisA's picture

Been married for 38 years we both decided we didn't want kids.  My husband told me he had a daughter and paid maintenance when we first met, he also told me he did not want her as part of his life.

out of the blue his daughter got in touch saying she had been looking for him for 20 years.

suddenly she is in our lives and my husband is obsessed.  I feel a huge resentment as he never gave me an inkling that this would happen.  He always said kids were a pain.  

What really upsets me is that my husband is not a demonstrative man at all, this was always a problem for me coming from an affectionate and tactile family.  Now all I see is lots of hugs and cuddles between them and it's cut me in the heart as he has never given me that demonstration of affection even though we went to counselling about it.

i feel mean spirited and bad about my feelings I have been honest and explained that while I understand their needs I feel left out on a limb.  My husband has told me I'm too sensitive and this is different and he can not reject his daughter.

i have not asked him to do that only why he can be so different with a woman he has only known for two months.

i have asked them both to try and place themselves in my shoes. 

Comments

tog redux's picture

I think he has it backwards - hugs and cuddles are for his wife, not for his almost-middle-aged daughter that he's never met until now.  At 39 I gave my father hugs hello and goodbye, but there were sure not any cuddles.

I'd be OK with the daughter showing up and them having a relationship, but it sounds like it's over the top and inappropriate.

Chmmy's picture

It's new. It will wear off soon. He will do something that is not up to her fantasy expectations of daddy & start drama & he will pull away when it's not this cutsie fantasy daddy/daughter relationship...or if Im wrong he'll get sucked in the drama. Oh no! :0

Jcksjj's picture

I've obviously never been in his shoes but having that kind of response to meeting a 39 year old seems...odd. regardless of whether or not she's his daughter they were strangers so I dont know how he could feel that much affection right away without time to bond? 

Regardless it's a huge change for you and I can see why you're struggling with it. It sounds like it changed the whole dynamic of your relationship quickly and without warning. Realistically this always could have happened, but you clearly weren't expecting it to after all this time so it's a huge shock. Everyone's feelings need to be taken into account including yours. Sounds like it's the same as alot of the other stories on here - stepmoms feelings matter the least.

Booboobear's picture

what is good for the gander is good for the goose  is what I'd do.  Suddenly I would adore and appreciate the young pool boy/girl or the bag boy or girl.  when DH and SD is around, the young strapping man would be so helpful that I would give him lots of appreciation and let DH see the joy on my face by his presence and watch him recieve the fresh baked goods and after he left repeat over and over how helpful and wounderful young strapping man/amazing girl is. When ever DH would start bragging about SD, I would start bragging about pool boy/bag boy. Then Dh wouldnt have any more fun with the whole situation.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

This is a huge shift in your relationship. Time to go back to counseling for help navigating it.

And watch your bank accounts very carefully.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

You are the first to post about a seemingly inappropriate relationship between a DH and his newly found adult daughter. Google "genetic sexual attraction." It happens more than you would think.