broken

Posted this in the blog about how Steplife had changed you. Its not pretty

I am totally and completely broken. I feel like i'm no longer living, just existing. My house is no longer my home. I'm Wiccan and my house was a blessed sanctuary for me and my rescue dogs. Now I have none of that left. I've been invaded. The Skids have taken up any extra space and wrecked it with holes in the walls, destroying furniture, drawing on everything, trashing anything they put their hands on. I haven't been able to sit down in my living room and watch tv for over 2 yrs. Their shit is everywhere. DH has moved around furniture and thrown out things that were dear to me. I'm a shell of who I was. They only talk to me when they want something. I'm broke. All my $$$ goes to these people that don't care. I do all the "momma" shit without getting any of the recognition. BM does jack shit but she's still the "sweet, poor innocent blue M&M". My illnesses go unnoticed. I had pneumonia and I've been working with a broken foot (great when you walk dogs daily) I can't afford to go to the Dr, we have no insurance. My feelings go unnoticed. I had to put my dog to sleep and no one even acknowledged that he was gone but SD12's crab she'd had for a week died because she left it out of the tank and you'd think the world was ending. We had the waterworks/drama for hours, had to bury the damn thing in the yard with a cross and prayers. I secretly wished the cat had eaten it. I used to feel good when I was home, now if it weren't for my dogs, I wouldn't go there. I basically hide in my room with my dogs and, make sure that they don't bark or make a mess because DH loves to compare the kids to my dogs. Yes, seriously. If I say "SS10 left his dirty, muddy shoes and socks on the couch", he'll go "well, the chihuahua left his stinky chewie bone on the couch again". Its insane. I'm not me anymore. DH is very immature and irresponsible so I feel like i'm raising him too. I never signed up to be a mom to him and his lazy, nasty, inconsiderate, entitled brats. I've lost the will to live. I have to literally drag myself out of bed and force myself to eat and shower and go to work. I don't know how long I can do this anymore.....

PetStr's blog
Log in or register to post comments

Comments

Get them out of your

Get them out of your house.

Time to lose your shit all over all of them. Your house, your rules. Behold the DOOR!

first off...(((hugs))) to

first off...(((hugs))) to you my friend.....hope you feel better

secondly, take back YOUR house....if they don't like it, then show them the fucking door!

THIS... last time he brought

THIS... last time he brought up something my 15 yo dog with congestive heart failure did when I told him that SD12's dirty pads were all over their bathroom floor and he complained I was like "I know the dog is older than her and tries her best not to pee on the floor, even so what's your kid's excuse? At least my dog KNOWS she's doing wrong"

He has to know this is a

He has to know this is a false comparison. I find it hard to believe he actually thinks this way. It's more than likely all about controlling you.

I agree. Classic deflection.

I can think of several things

I can think of several things that come to mind when you talk about comparing dogs to people.

1. Are you suggesting that your kids have the intelligence and abilities of a dog?
2. When the dog has an accident let me know and I'll clean it up. But you need to be prepared to do the same with the kids.
3. The dogs were here before you and the way things look they will be here when you are gone.
I'll admit that's being a smart ass and that may not help.

The real thing he needs to hear is that you have a hard time welcoming someone into your home who treats you and your home with disrespect. If you don't always feel welcome you need to look in the mirror.

This sounds like a good idea

This sounds like a good idea on the surface but in actuality, it just fuels stereotypes that need to die.

I'm not religious and I find that I constantly have to take the high road when dealing with uber Christian bm and skids. The short term satisfaction is not worth the long term consequences of "See? Those heathens really are as bad as we say they are".

If it is YOUR house, I'd be

If it is YOUR house, I'd be telling them to leave. Seriously show them the door. My heart breaks for you, the sadness in your post is immeasurable. How long have you been living like this? I suspect entirely too long.

Daizy, yes its my house,

Daizy, yes its my house, what's left of it. I've been living there for 13 yrs. DH and I met 5 yrs ago and the Hellspawn moved in 2 yrs ago when Biobitch Twat Waffle dumped them on us because CPS was after her for neglect. DH is always saying that I don't make them feel welcome, that he needs to be able to redecorate and arrange stuff, fine. But don't fuckin do it when I'm not there and without asking me for my input. It makes me feel violated. As for my dogs, they used to have a room with a doggie door but that is now SD12'S room so they are kinda lost too.

I can relate to inheriting

I can relate to inheriting someone's kids when CPS gets involved. You probably felt like you had no choice and did it for all the right reasons. You listed about half the signs of depression. This is something I have a lot of experience with. You should get help with this.

If you are really that unhappy and you are sure it is your living situation that is making you this unhappy you have to do something about it. What that something is, is up to you. Many people have suggested you throw them out. If that's what will make you happy, by all means do it. If that's not what you want, you need to take control of your home. DH does not NEED to be able to redecorate and arrange stuff, he chooses to. He apparently chooses to do this behind your back, which is very disrespectful. Know that you deserve better and demand it.

Daizy, yes its my house,

Get them ALL out! DH too …

Get them ALL out! DH too … for good! Then and only then, you can start the healing process.

(((( hugs ))))) to you

(((( hugs ))))) to you sister. I am feeling your anxiety and sadness while I read this. It is so easy for everyone to say "leave, or kick em out"
It's not that easy. I have 4 dogs too, where the hell would I rent that allows 4 dogs? I makes me furious for you that you are being pushed out of your space.
My SS19 took my alter room, SS17 acts like a smudging is the stupidest thing in the world.
Blessed be. And you want to PM me, go for it

She's not warm and fuzzy, but

She's not warm and fuzzy, but I have to say I am wondering the same things as sueu2 is. It's blunt, but I think it is exactly on target.

This is YOUR house, YOU can take charge. Stop providing for them. Stop cooking for them, cleaning up after them, tending to their needs and wants. Disengage is the magic word.

I can hear from your post that you might not have the strength and energy for it, it sounds like you are giving up. DON"T. Invade is a perfect word for it. They have invaded your home, your heart, and your soul. Take it back!
Use resources, the ladies and gents here in the trenches will help and give advice. Use any personal friends or family to help you get YOU back.

((hugs))

Picture yourself from the

Picture yourself from the outside. Is the image of you... the REAL you? The spiritual you that resonates with the harmony of the universe?

Why are you punishing yourself with this? Life does not have to be this way, and this is not what love is. Give yourself permission to end this, move on, and embrace what is rightfully yours- peace and abundance.

I'm not wiccan, but I am what I would call "highly sensitive". I don't know what this message means, but when I picture you, I see a garden that was once full and bountiful and green and now it is a thicket of dried out overgrown weeds. Even the paint on the fence is peeling and it leans. There is an emptiness there, a lot of muddled energy and thoughts as tangles as the briars. You need to find your way back to the warm garden with the rich wet earth and beautiful rows of green leaves glistening in the sun. Maybe that image means something to you, maybe not. Honestly I've never seen anyone as a garden before, so if it has meaning please share.

Ok sorry, I had a very busy

Ok sorry, I had a very busy work day and didn't have the time to reply. I don't necessarily want to kick them out, because to answer Sueu2's question, I love my DH. Before his kids came to live with us, we were fine. BM's neglect of the kids has led to learning issues, emotional and social problems and some of the kids are on the Autism Spectrum as is DH who is Aspergers. They are not easy to live with but are essentially similar and I often feel as the one that's different, not sure if that makes sense. At first, there was a total lack of discipline on DH'S part and I did kick them all out for 3 months last summer. They came back and things with SS10 and SS15 are better, but now SD12 has hit puberty and is becoming a handful. She will depend on me for pads/tampons, deodorant, razors, buying her bras, having her lip waxed, etc etc, all the stuff a mother should be doing, but BM has no interest whatsoever yet the child still worships her mother and I'm just the "buy me" person. DH will not and cannot deal with any "women issues" at all for legal reasons I will not mention here. I have to constantly remind DH "your kids, you discipline, your kids you deal with the schools, your kids, you deal with them" and this is on a daily basis. I do disengage, but when the house is so trashed that it becomes a health danger to myself and my pets, I have to take a royal shit fit to get them all back on track. Its never ending. I also run my own business which is a 7day/week thing without much rest time so my energy level is null by the time I get home meanwhile, everybody is sitting on their asses playing video games (DH incl) and will only get up and get shit done because I walked in the door.
As Ashleigh said, I do have signs of depression. Its something I've been dealing with since my dad died last year, and recently my dog, and being ill all the time and working 24/7 and not taking care of me, etc. DH doesn't understand any of the symptoms or why I have them because with Aspergers, unless he's felt it himself, he cannot sympathize. The kids really just care about themselves and were never thought to sympathize with others. They are 4 of 8 kids BM has had with 4 diff guys and they fight for attention, are jealous of each other and bully each other constantly. I get to the point where, as long as no one is bleeding and it doesn't hurt any of my pets, they can continue destroying each other. So I am somewhat disengaged,but there are situations where I can't be. When the case worker comes over, I have to play Suzie Homemaker and make it seem like we're one big, happy family.
I guess right now, I need to focus on me and getting myself healthy. I don't have any family here, I'm 3000 miles away and in a different country than my family. I'm also an only child. I have a few friends here, but no one close enough to confide in. Its hard to make friends when you work 24/7 by yourself with only animals to keep you company.
Furkidsforme, I will message you about your post. It makes sense, I'll explain

Uh huge red falg waving right

Uh huge red falg waving right in your face-

IT'S NOT NORMAL TO BE HAVING CASE WORKERS VISITING YOUR HOME. Even if a false claim was reported, if a situation is "normal" they come once, observe that everything is kosher, know it was a false complaint, and move along. Why are case workers coming to your home?

They came to see if the kids

They came to see if the kids were thriving and because BM's family and her soon to be exH who was a cop make false claims. Also SS10 was put in a special program at school for his behavioral issues and to see if the environment we provide was good. We were given the all ok and they haven't returned. The schools have sent them info proving the kids are clean, well fed, are growing, do not miss school and are doing good despite being behind in school from when they lived with BM. So now we don't hear from them. Also BM keeps complaining I have a dirty house because of my pets and that the kids are always sick. They get the germs from her place. You can't catch the flu/colds, warts, cold sores and lice from animals.
They always come back sick and dirty from her place. We dropped SS9 off a few weeks ago and BM'S DD4 and DS14months were standing in the front window. The baby was wearing nothing but a diaper and the 4 yo was reaching into it and "finger painting" the window with crap while the baby was licking it. I can't imagine what the rest of that house looks like. They're's 4 adults and 6 kids living in a 4 Br house and they have 2 huge dogs so why she complains about mine is beyond me. Anyway....

You are here

Comments