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Whither to unhappiness?

paul_in_utah's picture

So I recently posted the following blog:

https://www.steptalk.org/blog/paulinutah/bad-decisions-skids-make-compli...

There were a lot of good responses, but I thought lieutenant_dad had a good point about things I view as "bad decisions" are actually a skid's attempts to cope with unhappiness in their life.  In a nutshell, she was saying a lot of skids do these things because they "feel good," and this is done to cope with intense feelings of unhappiness.  This makes a lot of sense.  I had always interpreted these behaviors as stemming from entitlement attitudes and Disney parenting, but maybe there is more to it. 

In the case of my SO's daughter (aka "SOD), she does seem to be intensely unhappy.  The question is - why?  What about her life, upbringing, or physical appearance makes her so miserable?  I am not a great judge of younger women's appearance, but I know that she is considered very attractive, probably at least an 8/10.  She grew up in a nuclear family until her parents got divorced when she was 17.  She wanted for nothing, and if anything was extremely spoiled in terms of material goods.

So why the unhappiness?  Her parent's marriage wasn't good, so maybe that is part of it.  According to her mom, SOD displayed attention-seeking behavors from birth, so maybe there is some kind of genetic or physiological basis.  Beyond these two things, I really can't think of why should would be unhappy.  She's pretty, grew up with all the material stuff she wants, was wanting for nothing, and she got pleny of attention from her parents and from boys.  I really can't understand why she is so miserable, and why she has to chase happiness with all of her bad habits and decisions.

As an aside, I would say that she has below-average intelligence, but she doesn't seem to care about that.  We hear plenty of stories of unintelligent skids on here, and their lack of academic achievement doesn't seem to be an issue with them.  So I don't think she feels bad about hereself because she isn't the brightest bulb.

Comments

Mamabearof3's picture

My husband has above average intelligence and tends towards depression so Idk if intelligence matters. Seems many dumb people are happy IMO. He was spoiled materially and lacked discipline in all respects to the point of actually neglect. Kids need discipline and direction. Not gifts and leniency. And his parents divorce at 16 still negatively affects him today. He's 35 now. And he has a good life by the most part. But sometimes he genuinely struggles mentally still. 

Survivingstephell's picture

There's a lot to be said about being self sufficient and it sounds like the parents robbed her of finding  that out for herself.  Pretty only gets you so far. 

paul_in_utah's picture

That could be part of it.  Her my (my SO) saves her from even the slightest bit of adversity.

la_dulce_vida's picture

They've both become dependent on their enmeshment but it's suffocating and sends a message to the daughter that her mother has no faith the girl could function without her over-involvement. That can drag a person down even if they are also addicted to the pattern.

SteppedOut's picture

Just because those things are coping mechanisms, does not automatically mean she IS dealing with depression or anxiety (or both). Could be she is just an entitled ahole. 

caninelover's picture

She likely wants to be happy (like most people do) but doesn't perceive reality the same way others do.  So she will make bad decisions because they feel good at the time, without fully realizing or appreciating the risks of those choices.

CLove's picture

Funny thing, SD16 B/M and I got into this converstation last night, sort of.

Feral Forger has COVID. Feral Forger still at 23 steals and mooches, lies and uses people.

She is also very pretty, but also very unhappy. Maybe she was born unhappy. All the stories Ive heard of her as a baby, she was always crying and always battling for attention. Then along came her younger sister and she really battled for attention. She is also not that bright, but passably intelligent.

Sd16 came to the conclusion that Sd23 is not happy because of her choices. Meaning if she could drive herself places and if she worked at being more independent she would have a sense and pride in accomplishment. But since she cannot do for herself, she MUST use and steal and mooch thus perpetuating the cycle of unhappiness in self. SD16, since she had a job felt pride in herself. Her money earning abilities gave her a sense of accomplishment. So now she is seeing how her sister is making bad choices and that is resulting in unhappiness for her.

Thank goodness she is seeing this!!!!

Oh and the pearl that dropped out casually is Toxic Troll is actually discussing this with her youngest as in "where did I go wrong? Did I not pay enough attention to her or parent her correctly?" LOLOLOLOL.