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SO Reaping the Whirlwind....AKA "Friends Don't Let Friends Be Friend-Parents"

paul_in_utah's picture

Dramatis Personae

SOD = Significant Other - Daughter

SOD-GK = Significant Other - GrandKid

TPP = Trailer Park Prince

As predicted, things are coming to a head with SOD, SOD-GK, and the TPP.  As quick recap, SO is both a card-carrying "Friend-Parent" and a Covert Narcissist who derives supply from her 2 kids.  SO and her Ex-H coddled both of their kids, infantilizing them to the point that both have missed major developmental milestones, lack normal social skills, and struggle mightily doing even the most simple tasks.  I used to think that SOD was just a mean-spirited, spiteful brat, but I have since come to recognize the truth:  the infantilization by her parents has left her with the mind and maturity of a 5-year old. 

Rather than express herself in adult ways, SOD screams and thows fits when she doesn't get what she wants.  She sometimes hits and throws stuff.  She views the world in simple black-and-white (like a child), and never developed coping skills to handle stress or problems.  She became quite accustomed to "being the boss" as a child, and still expects SO to "snap-to" whenever she wants something.

Due to the lack of development, SOD has a lot of trouble making friends and attracting boyfriends.  I would think she is considered attracitve by most guys, but her total lack of personality and maturity seems to be turning off the higher-quality guys.  Sure, she has gotten run through by plenty of bad boys, but none of them wanted to stick around for a relationship.  I really don't blame them - who wants to be in a relationship with someone that acts like a child?  Well, I will tell you who:  The Trailer Park Prince, or TPP.

The TPP is a bit of a mystery.  He is short, plain-looking (not ugly, exactly), broke, and a video-game addict.  He treats SOD like absolute garbage.  He verbally abuses her, blows her off for friends, and doesn't do anything to help around the house.  He almost never buys anything for SOD.  He is, in short, a bastard. 

However, TPP acts like a bad-boy (without the good looks), so maybe this is why SOD is so totally smitten with him.  There could be a genetic component, as SO has a thirst for bad-boys herself, and went through a period when she was trying to "upgrade" to a bad boy so she could dump me and move one (spoiler alert:  all the bad boys wanted to do was sleep with SO; none wanted a relationship with her).  Whatever the reason, SOD is obsessed with the TPP, and has made locking him down her mission in life.

SOD figured that the TPP would settle down if they had a child, so she got pregnant on purpse to "baby-trap" him.  Guess what?  It didn't work.  He is still a lazy, selfish, mean bastard.  He doesn't help with the baby, and still verbally abuses SOD.  He works a part-time job and keeps most of the money for himself.  The TPP always keeps money in his account, and has funds to buy stupid things like knives and parts for his car, but doesn't want to spend money on actual bills.  Occasionally, he might a pay a utility bill, but my SO has been paying at least 80-85% of their total bills.  Of course, SO doesn't want SOD or SOD-GK to do without, so she has been plowing through her savings to take care of them, and to trick out the nursery with every conceivable do-dad.

SOD has been beating her head against the wall, trying to "change" the TPP, but it ain't working.  He doesn't care about her, and is only sticking around becuase he is getting his bills paid by my SO.  SO refuses any kind of tough love, because she "doesn't want to lose her daughter," and "it's not the baby's fault."  So, in addtion to paying for almost everything, she has practically moved in at Casa Del TPP, serving as a nearly full-time nanny, short-order cook, au pere, housekeeper, and personal shopper.  The TPP is still getting plenty of sleep, and just sits back letting SO do everything.

Well, things have gotten even worse for SOD recently.  Their free-housing allowance just ran out, so now they have no way to pay their rent.  The TPP is too lazy to help gather up documentation for other government hand-outs, so they have missed out on a lot of free money.  One could generously say that SOD has been "occasionally" employed since high school, but she hasn't worked in almost a year.  She didn't want to be around customers while pregnant (using the COVID excuse), so she quit her job at McDonald's.  So she is not making any money.  The TPP only works part-time, and as noted he pockets most of his earnings.  That leaves my SO (and potentialy me) to pick up the slack.

In addition to these money issues, the TPP has started to become physical in his abuse.  He has pulled SOD's hair, and has shoved her several times.  Although a moron, he is smart enough not to do anyting to leave a mark.  SOD, being an immature hot-head, has hit him back.  So even if she goes to the police, he will be able to press charges against her (and has threatened to do so in the past).

But despite all of this, SOD is still head-over-heels for this asshole.  She won't break up with him, and expects SO to move Heaven and Earth to accommodate her.  As noted, SO doesn't want to "lose her daughter," so SOD essentially has total control of SO.  She dictates when she babysits (pretty much whenever SO isn't working), where she babysits, what supplies and baby stuff SO buys, etc.  SO doesn't dare try to implement a boundry or expecations with SOD, because she is afraid SOD will withhold the grand-kid. SO is running herself ragged, and is completely miserable. 

This is the ultimate end result of Friend-Parenting.  Because SO never enforced boundaries, rules, or consequences when SOD was younger, SOD has been granted an insanely huge amount of power.  She thinks she's better than everyone else, and expects us to just fork over money to prop up whatever decisions she makes.  She expects SO to be over at her place during any free time.  She won't listen to anyone give her advice about ending her toxic relationship.  She holds all the cards, and calls all the shots.  But at the same time, she is miserable.  She is developmentally stunted, and lacks any self-awareness.  She can't understand what is happening to her, or how she can improve her situation in life. 

So she just keeps barrelling forward with this insane plan that having a baby as an unemployed 22 year-old with this loser sperm donor is a good idea.  She thinks that she is going to "change" the bad-boy and tame him.  She is going to continue pushing the narrative that she is a "victim" and is "owed" all of this help from SO.  And SO will remain stuck in this feedback loop of chasing her daughter, while at the same time feeding off the narcissitic supply gets from her daughter being total dependent on her.  It makes my head spin.

This won't be up long.  I'm just venting, not looking for advice.  But I will say this:  if SO thinks she is going to move SOD, SOD-GK, the TPP, and their Gigantic-Ass dog into my house, she is in for a rude awakening.  That would be a bridge too far.  There is no way I can handle having all of them in my house at the same time.  It's bad enough that I have to worry about being excommunicated (I am Morman, and worry about people from church finding out about all of this), so I really don't need any more stress. 

Comments

caninelover's picture

At some point, you have to ask yourself if you really enjoy the situation you're in.  Do you?  No need to answer but honestly you seem like a hard-working person who could be an excellent partner to someone your equal, without all this baggage. 

SO will have her reckoning - but probably regress again when SD realizes she's losing her meal tix (including TPP who will break up with her soon - senidng her back to butt-kissing your SO).

Its your life and your choice, but honestly - I think you deserve much better.  Take care, and try and keep this whole sh*t show away from you Smile

la_dulce_vida's picture

You spend 360 nights away from home per year according to a previous post. Is that true? If so, how do expect to be able to control what happens while you're on the road?

paul_in_utah's picture

Well, actually I said 300 nights.  I would just have movers ready to go on one of my breaks.  They'd pack up her shit while she was at work, and that would be that.

Survivingstephell's picture

If nothing else, thanks for sharing this nightmare scenario that many on here are married to.  I don't know how many times "friend parenting" is the root of many problems.  I pity that child when SO passes because that is when the crap will really hit the fan for those people.  I hope you are long gone from this travesty by then.  
 

I also wonder how you will keep them out when you are gone so much.  What's your plan ? 

paul_in_utah's picture

I think JRI probably has the most experience with this.  She has a SD (even older than me) who was raised this way.  Although her SD has personality disorders in the mix, she cleary had major issues her whole life stemming from Disney Dad's Friend Parenting.

Children need rules, boundries, expectations, and consequences.  Yes they need compassion and encouragement too, but if you raise them to the level of adults in the household (or worse, put them ahead of ther adult members of the household), a disaster is inevtiable.

Harry's picture

Should, or made to , file for CS. On TPP.   Your SO must do something, or else he will by paying SOD bills for the feast of his life

caninelover's picture

I think Harry has a point about CS.  Or alimony.  Do you have legal documents in place?  Please consult a lawyer about how to protect your hard earned assets.  In many states living together over a long period may not be common law marriage, but may still create community property. Please protect you!

 

paul_in_utah's picture

Oh I agree, but SOD and SO both have this weird sort of reverence for TPP's family.  It's like they hate them on one hand, but are mesmerized and extremely respectful on the other.  It makes no sense to me.  Filing for CS would be "disprespectful" to TPP and his family.  So doubtful they will do that.

paul_in_utah's picture

There are no issues with her having a right of possession.  She is there at my invitation, which I can revoke at any time.  Even if she wanted to challenge it in court, she couldn't afford a lawyer since all her money goes to bankrolling SOD.

caninelover's picture

work for a percentage of a settlement sometimes.  Just don't bank on that.  If you're the breadwinner and provider here please at least book a no fee consult with a couple of lawyers and see what they think.  There are 'living together'  agreeements they can draft that can protect your assets even if you are not married.  Just protect you Smile

paul_in_utah's picture

Yeah, I probably should do that.  I really don't think it would be an issue, given that we aren't married and have not co-habited very long, but you never know.  No sense in chancing it.

SteppedOut's picture

Very ugh.

stepmomnorth's picture

One thing to remember is that there are a lot of wonderful, caring and loving people out there. When you feel stuck in a very unhappy or unhealthy relationship sometimes it's hard to get past those feelings of doom and remember that there are some truly amazing people out there that would make an a great partner. This is coming from someone who had a complete a$$ jerk of a husband and now with a wonderful and caring man. The difference is night and day. I feel valued and loved every day of my life. But it actually took my jerk ex husband to leave my marriage in order to realize that being with someone nice is actually possible. Remember that you have value and worth.