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co sleeping

passleft's picture

I'm sure this has been discussed on here before, but I don't have time to filter through a million blogs to find opinions so sorry if i am repeating anyone else.

Since my husband and I started dating and staying the night with one another my SD has always tried to get him to sleep with her instead of me. In the beginning he told her no and he still tells her no. He says I'll scratch your back until you fall asleep but then I'm sleeping with her (me). Since we've been married (a couple of weeks) she will start off sleeping in her own bed but in the middle of the night she will get up to use the restroom and then crawl in the bed (on his side) and sleep there. It's a queen size bed so there really isn't enough room but she will take his arms and wrap them around her and make him cuddle with her. I'm then laying on the opposite edge of the bed wide awake because for some reason this really bothers me.

She is 6 years old almost 7.

I don't know if I am being unfair but when I was growing up, if we were scared or sick and wanted to sleep with our parents our mother would make us pile some blankets on the floor and sleep there. I just feels unnatural and I know the one place where he and I can have adult time is in the bed/bedroom. I feel like I am being a brat, but I feel like she thinks I am threatening her by sleeping beside him. It also bothers me because once we were playing a game and she said that she was so-and-so and that her daddy was her boyfriend and then I was the teacher. I just don't know how to handle this, but I am so tired of waking up in the middle of the night and becoming so angry!

Comments

Wicked.Step.Monster's picture

I am the mother of perfectson17.... he hung the moon and set the stars, but he did it from his own bedroom at night unless he was very very sick.

I completely agree with Crayon on this one that cosleeping is a huge guilty daddy thing and it SICKS ME OUT. My SD stb11 from time to time would want to snuggle up with DH or lay on him on the sofa or something and finally just a few months back I said "DH, she has boobs bigger than mine now AND she's on her period, she is too big to lay on you." He FREAKED OUT. I don't think he'll allow any of that nonsense anymore.

Wicked.Step.Monster's picture

Oh you're not the only one! I can't stand it. I mean sure, if a kid is sick that's perfectly ok and I've done that lots of times but to do it on a regular basis is just creepy in my opinion.

smirked's picture

This is difficult to answer. Is she with you (living) all the time? Were her parents co sleepers?
I have ALOT of daughters. When they play dolls with Daddy they all are his girlfriends lol. I dont think its just a SD thing, its a girl thing period (for that age).

passleft's picture

No, she doesn't stay with us all the time. And I understand the Daddy/boyfriend thing. I am fairly certain that her parents were co sleepers, and even when he was on his own he would sleep with just her. It just doesn't feel right to me. I'm not sure why and I don't know if I should address it or just leave it alone. I get up and move into a different room when it happens. Not only because it makes me angry but also because I have a bad knee that aches really bad at night time and so with a crowded bed it's more comfortable anyway.

smirked's picture

You should address it, you are having to leave your bed. Now if BM is co sleeping still, this could be difficult to get your DH to break this habit. He could feel he needs to do what shes doing. Hope this is not the case.
I think it is resonable for you to expect your bed to be a child free zone, your entire bedroom for that matter.

glynne's picture

We had this problem with SD when she was young and actually found a solution. We did not allow SD to come into our bedroom unannounced or to sleep with us nor did DH sleep in SD's bed. DH agreed with me that SD was jealous and we set aside one on one time with SD and DH - it was their special time each week. Maybe it was a movie or rollerskating or reading a book. DH & I spoke to SD as a couple - she knew that I agreed and supported the time alone that she spent with DH. Bonus - it gave me some me time. Maybe - it will work for you.

Glynne

stepoff's picture

Even in the book "what to expect, the toddler years" there are suggestions on how to get a YOUNG child (18 mos) to sleep through the night in their own bed. At the age of 6, huge no no. My son is 2 and sleeps in his own bed. Period.

Wicked.Step.Monster's picture

Ok pretty much the best solution in my book is to bust their ass and put them back in their own bed... Smile

stepoff's picture

Absolutely Crayon! Doesn't it make you wonder sometimes if it's the child or the parent who wants to co-sleep? It should be called co-dependent.

luckykell's picture

I had previously posted this same topic when I first came to the board. Scooty (SD5) slept with BM every single night, and until DF and I were in a solid relationship and living together she would usually end up in his bed too. Talk to your BF about this, and hopefully he'll see that you're truly bothered by this. My DF doesn't mind co-sleeping, but I do not like it at all! (Especially when it's not your biokid...just kinda creeped me out)We slowly weened (sp?) Scooty out of our bed. Yes, she fought it and cried at first. But we started with an air matress right next to his side of the bed, then we put her twin sized bed in the corner of our room, and she now sleeps in her room. Along with getting her into her own room, we had to make her comfortable. We started with him patting her back until she fell asleep, then he would just sit next to her bed until she fell asleep, then he would sit by the door, and now he tucks her in kisses her goodnight and shuts the door! All in all it took about a month to fully transistion, but now she goes to bed in her own room and sleeps the entire night! It's awesome!! Good luck and hang in there! Smile

"Live well, Love much, Laugh often."

Purpleflower09's picture

Your DH must be stern with her and tell her its not allowed, in the same breath tell her that he loves her very much. He has to make her realize that there is different types of love. He loves her ins aspecial way and he loves step mom ins a special way but loves you both all the same...this way she understands. My husband had to explain this to my SD who was 7 when I met her. She was totally accepting after that.

" Faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it's still dark"-R.Tagore

Angel's picture

Okay, you're all going to throw tomatoes at me but I'll tell you my humble opinion. I agree with you completely, the child should be sleeping in her own room. And, I also think he is parenting by EXTREME guilt. Why extreme? Because he probably knows that he should have tried to stay single for longer until he could get this child raised a bit before subjecting her (and the poor new woman in his life) to this horrific drama. His lovelife came before his daughter (tsk tsk) and he did not consider all this on his new wife. And I'd be angry too.
BUT

I think that when we have young children, the next love relationship needs to come when you see that you have raised your kids and that they can handle that their parents attention is going to be divided. 6 year olds are not sophisticated and just don't get it. So, yes, his guilt is justifiable. He shouldn't be putting either of you through this.
JMHO

StepChicka's picture

Right on target Angel! My SD6 slept in her dad's bed when we were dating. I never spent the night at his place when she was there. When we decided we wanted to be under the same roof I told him he would have to ween his daughter out of his bed until then. I wouldn't marry him unless he did.

We enforce the rule of Adult Time. From bedtime until we open our bedroom door is time for adults only. Not interruptions unless, like Druzilla said, there's a serious emergency. I enforced this rule with my 1st marriage to my kids' BioDad and now with DH and all our kids.

Express DH how uncomfortable it makes you feel. Furthermore, Dad wouldn't want his daughter telling her friends and their parents that she sleeps in his bed evernight. Ew-ville!

stepmom2one's picture

I love my SD BUT NO WAY would she be doing this! Your DH needs to stop this NOW. Tell him to walk her back to bed or else.

Freedom2005's picture

This is the same battle I fought for 3 years with my BF. I would actually stay the night with them when we were just dating (before I moved in) and be kicked to the couch for his daughter. When we talked about moving in together, BANG, first up for me, SD not sleeping with BF any more. He has fought it too. He keeps saying, "but I am comforting her from the issues with her Mom" Nope, sorry, not every night, that is a habit! I also agree with WHO wants the co-sleeping more.

It finally took a counselor to say, "She should not sleep with you all the time. It breaks an adult relationship boundary"

AMEN! So, now NO kids sleep in our room. At one time, all 3 girls, his and my 2 were sleeping on the floor in our room. He had to keep a hand on his daughter till she could go to sleep. My daughter's wanted in there mostly because SHE was in there.

We are still fighting this at 10! She never wants to sleep alone. I keep bringing it up to the counselor, she keeps bringing it up with him. My daughters enjoy having their own room. SD10 just wants to be the big girl on campus.

Check out my blog for more!!

Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'
Erich Fromm

herewegoagain's picture

Wow, I remember those days so clearly...here's my view...

I will NOT let anyone else's child sleep in my bed.
I wll NOT allow neither my husband or myself to be subjected to someone possibly claiming some type of abuse because of this.

However,

OUR CHILD TOGETHER can sleep in our bed, as we are BOTH his parents and both of us are there, therefore, we both know that no abuse will occur...and/or neither one of us would acuse the other since we are both there.

Is it fair/unfair? Possibly some may see it as unfair that his child cannot sleep with him, but our child together can...but at the end of the day, my marriage is much more important...and so is his relationship with his daughter. Which means, the benefit/security/love that a child might feel by sleeping with their parents is NOT greater than the benefit of ensuring that they continue to have a relationship...because the possibility of an ex calling this abuse, or attempting to jeopardize the relationship with accusations of such, are much greater...

At the end of the day, I would also NOT want my child sleeping in a bed with anyone else but my husband and I...I would never want my child sleeping in a bed w/dad and his new wife, just like I know my husband wouldn't want his child sleeping w/me and some other guy...

PS - My husband and I didn't always see eye to eye in this...there was no malice in what he did, therefore he didn't understand...UNTIL I asked him if he would feel comfortable if he found out that his daughter slept in the same bed as his ex and her STEPFATHER...believe me, he got it then...never again did he allow it to happen.

Good luck to you, I know for me this was very, very hard...especially because it always happens at the beginning of your relationship...

BMJen's picture

I'm odd man out on this one, but my daughter can sleep with me anytime she wants to. DH is her dad so he won't mind either. If something ever did happen to DH and I (again, it won't I'm just saying) and I were to meet someone else, I wouldn't change a thing about the way I parent her. She can sleep with me when shes 20 if she wants to!

But that's just how I am. I realize I'm odd man out, but thought I'd put in my two cents also.

StepChicka's picture

Every night, stepmomjen?

These are rhetorical questions: How do you get your freak on with your DH? In the laundry room between wash cycles? Yes, I'm being crass but I'm not the only one thinking the same questions.

Bioparents co-sleeping w/kids is one thing. But, if you were to split with BioDad and get with another, you'd be putting your second husband in serious jeopardy.

Watch "The Good Mother" for reference. Its a fictitious story with realistic outcomes. She loses custody of her kid.

BMJen's picture

StepChicka, I told you I was odd man out! But yes, every night if she wants to. When it's time to get the freak on I'd just move her to her bed.

And I know what you mean about bios sleeping with kids is different than with step situations. I see that totally. Because though I would always sleep with her there is no way in hell SD is climbing into my bed.

I realize that if anything were to ever happen to DH and I that I would just remain single until my angel girl was grown and gone because I wouldn't change a thing about how I parent her. I just refuse to.

I know, don't say it. But hey, atleast I admit it and know it.