What do I do
Hi, I'm new here and at my wits end. I've been with my husband for 20 years, we are very very happy 99% of the time. We have 2 beautiful children. Life is good.... but....
He has an adult daughter, who we haven't seen for nearly 9 years. Totally her doing. We got on, she would come over a couple of times a week. I'd meet up with her in the week after she had finished school for tea while her dad was at work, so yes we had a good relationship.... Then completely out the blue she sent her dad a message saying she didnt feel like part of our family and that he was a terrible dad ( which, as dads go hes one of the best!) So we gave her time before my husband responded. To which he had an awful reply. So skip forward a few years, she hasn't been forgotten but there has only been negative contact when shes decided to message him, still being very cruel and hurtful and now blaming me for getting inbetween them. This has upset me a number of times as we were once very close. His mom still sees her every few weeks so you can imagine the times I've walked out the room to stop an argument exploding (his mom thinks the sun shines out his first born!)
Present day. Shes had a baby. A letter came through the post for him and I knew instantly what it was....
HELLO GRANDAD.... everything in me wanted to rip it into shreds. How do I let this woman back in his life, our children's life? I really need some advice.
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Comments
Just because she's had a baby
Just because she's had a baby, doesn't mean everything is A okay, now. I mean, she didn't even call him, but sent a letter?
How does your husband feel about it? He needs to be prepared for her to use this baby to her advantage and she may be the type to to use him/her to emotionally manipulate you guys.
My DH and I have been there and trust me, grand kids don't fix everything. In fact, in a dysfunctional relationship, they can make it worse.
Thank you
It's so good to hear from someone that understands. Someone who knows how I feel. Somethins think it's me, am I a bad person? Is she right? But I know realistically that it's just that... in my head! What worries me most is that his mom will now start interfering and dragging it up at every given opportunity. He has a good relationship with his mom but she just doesn't understand what all this has done to him. I'd love to close my eyes and it all go away but that's not going to happen so I will try and be the better person.
I know that any contact she requests she will say.. you can see your grandson but without your wife! How the hell do I sit back and except this. If he does as she asks what is it showing her!!!!
I'm not a horrible person.
I know that any contact she
I know that any contact she requests she will say.. you can see your grandson but without your wife!
He needs to let her know that that is not acceptable. That's what I mean about using the baby to her advantage and as a weapon of manipulation. He needs to put his foot down on that happening.
Surprised after nine years
Have to open the door a little, maybe she change this week. Just be careful about being used , her want money or things
Oooh she hasn't changed, I'm
Oooh she hasn't changed, I'm thinking his mom might of told her about us buying our house and having a new car, shes probs seeing pound signs. Also she will just want to cause a problem as she wont let H see his grandchild if im there! Even though we dont see her she only lives 10 minutes up the road, we have friends of friends that know her and we hear bits about what's happening in her life from them or Husbands mom. I try not to throw names about but she is vile that just wants to wreak havoc in our lives. I have my children to think about!!
Just because she had a baby
Just because she had a baby doesn't mean you have to allow her back in YOUR life. I can imagine how much pain your H must feel but strong, clear boundaries have to be made when it comes to SD. Do not allow her to use this child as leverage to make her father bend to her will. Once she feels she has that type of power, things will really be chaotic. Your H is going to need to have a serious conversation with her and let her know his boundaries and expectations.
I Understand.
DH and I are estranged from both of his adult daughters. They have different mothers, and each estrangement happened for different reasons, but both have used their children as bait/weapons.
I've had years to get over the pain, work through the poo, own my part, and move forward. I've also learned to reject the scapegoating that invariably happens to the stepparent. This is the most important thing, and you should make it a mantra: It's not about you! Your SD is part of a broken and failed family. She has unresolved issues, and finds it easiest to blame an outsider. Since she's also blaming her dad, it's likely that she's experienced some degree of alienation as well.
Step problems often ramp up around life events like engagements, weddings, births, etc. And since dysfunction was present before the gskid, you can count on your SD attempting to use her child as either a weapon, a means of extortion, or both. She's started a game by sending bait/a birth announcement, so how has your DH reacted? Is he the type to go ga ga for being a grandpa? What did the letter say? Can you speak openly and honestly about how he feels and what if anything he'd like to do?
You are under no obligation to get involved, or offer up your bios to be hurt again. Never forget that you are not family or a grandmother to this baby. Do not get sucked into the dysfunction again. But mind your tongue, and do be careful to adopt the right tone and attitude with your DH. Position yourself and your bios as the victims of SD's cruelty. Take the stance that you don't want to have your heart broken again; that SD hurt you badly, and you just don't know if you're able to go through that again. Familiarize yourself with Karpman's Drama Triangle, and you'll see that it's crucial that you not be seen as a persecutor. Showing pain and vulnerability worked far better with my DH than any amount of logic and explaining ever did.