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1st time step dad with problems

ParaZ31's picture

Let's start from the beginning I'm engaged to a great gal who has a 13 year old and a hovering baby daddy. MD has diabetes and has been sick. I am leaving for my brothers wedding but they are unable to go due to MD being in the hospital some say I should stay and be supportive especially since I've been gone for two days at the FD but I'm packed booked the hotel and I'm out the door does this make me a bad parent? I'm not in the wedding but I told everyone we would be attending but now it's just going to be me. Lately things have been emotionally chaotic and dysfunctional and I just can't deal with the lack of attention including sexual. Is it normal to feel like this?

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ParaZ31's picture

My step daughter 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Wait, who is in the hospital? Your fiance? Her kid? What are they needing you to stay and do? Not enough info to give advice. Also, what is a "hovering baby daddy?" Does he hover around your fiance and she allows it? 

ParaZ31's picture

I wrote most of the info you may need. New at this.

ParaZ31's picture

Sorry first timer and I'm not good at stuff like this. MD is my SD and she is the one in and out of the hospital due to her diabetes and abdominal pain. No kids on my end, 1st time being a SP. MDs father calls and texts my fiancé constantly checking on MD and wanting to have family meeting and chat. My gal tells him to stop calling so much or doesn't pick up at all. I get it MDs sick. I don't feel the need to be with them and miss family events when my SD doesn't want me she wants her mother and her mom is always available to her but at times I wish she would give me attention / love during times like this. She devotes so much time getting her daughter better when she's sick she stress out and neglects priorities like laundry dishes cooking cleaning and giving me attention. Before when it was the two of us things were good now it's gone down hill. When I'm off I want gal home and to myself but it doesn't seem to happen often and when it does she is stressed and emotional about everything.

EveryoneLies's picture

It sounds like a talk between you and your fiancé is necessary. I don't think your SD is the problem here. But again being a mom I can understand how a mother is having hard times to spend with her partner when her child is severely sick. (In and out of hospital sounds severe to me)

I'm not saying it is fair to you but I think it would be hard for your partner to give you more attention unless her daughter's health improves..

ParaZ31's picture

Thanks for the honesty she's a good woman. It's been 8 yrs since I've been in a relationship and we are going on 2 years being together which is my longest relationship for me. She's been married and divorced and has some trauma from that relationship. I'm not a talker, emotional, or affectionate type. I'm a FF,  I'm gone most of the time and at times I like my space. In the beginning we were happy but when my SD came into the picture all the focus went from me to her. I know the things I say and do hurt my gal but pride gets in my way and my SD sees it and the bond is nonexistent. My girl is a part time medic and student but I'm starting to feel this isn't for me because their isn't time for me. I love my fiancé and she tells me all the time she loves me but I don't know how to be a SP. How do you juggle it all. I told my gal if she just went to school and took care of MD and the house I would work but she seems to struggle with that idea. Many say she's way above me but I get so frustrated with her about everything because we talked about this in the beginning. Is it wrong of me to ask her to leave her job stop school and focus on her daughter the house me and her health? I forgot to mention my gal has breast cancer. I just feel my SD is always competing with me for her attention. Is it wrong I'm leaving to go to wedding or should I have stayed to be supportive?

StrawberryPie's picture

Quick answer:  YES, it is wrong to ask her to quit her job, schooling to focus on the house work, you, and her daughter.  

 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

So your "gal" has breast cancer and a child in the hospital and you are upset that she is not doing household chores and paying enough attention to you? Do your "gal" a favor and break up with her - because you are in no way helpful to her. And yes, it is wrong to ask her to quit her job and school for you.

"She devotes so much time getting her daughter better when she's sick she stress out and neglects priorities like laundry dishes cooking cleaning and giving me attention.."

secret's picture

If your priorities are laundry, dishes, cooking cleaning..  maybe YOU should do all that, so that she can focus on the ACTUAL priorities....then maybe, just maybe, she might have enough energy to pay some attention to you... but if I was in her shoes...I wouldn't want to pay attention to someone like you EITHER.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

That sounds like a lot. Your fiancee currently has cancer, her daughter has uncontrolled type 1 diabetes to the point that she is in and out of the hospital, and your fiance also goes to school and works part time. It honestly doesn't sound like she is managing everything by herself and may not have time/room in her life to give anything in a relationship.

You have no children, work away, and when you are home you are off. You want to be in a relationship that provides companionship and affection. You are willing to be the sole provider who works outside the home in this relationship to allow her more time to deal with her issues. This is admirable, but she has to be willing to accept that arrangement in order for it to have a chance at working for everyone's benefit. 

As far as the biodad constantly calling and texting, idk enough to say if that situation is reasonable. Does he share custody? If not, he has to be worried hearing the child is hospitalized and want updates. He may be worried your fiancee isn't able to provide the care the daughter needs. Type 1 diabetes can almost always be controlled but it takes a lot. The diet has to be managed down to the last carb, the sugar has to be checked frequently, and the insulin dosage has to be calculated perfectly. A lot of the pediatric endocrinologists these days have kids on a regimen that is, IMO as a former school nurse, too complicated for some kids and parents to manage at home. I don't know the situation, but is your fiancee on top of it? Some 13-year-olds can mostly manage themselves but some can't or won't. Does biodad help at all? Is there a way to keep him informed and involved that everyone can live with?

You have to take an honest look at this situation. Some people may call you selfish for thinking about your sex life and getting attention from your fiancee, but i know nobody wants to be in a relationship where they receive neither of these things. Your fiancee can't give them to you now, as things are. Look at what kind of help she needs, what she's willing to accept, and what you are willing and able to give. Does this work for you? If not, you may have to let this one go. 

JRI's picture

You and your girlfriend are in different places in your lives.  It sounds like with all she has going on, your GF just doesn't have the bandwidth to be the kind of partner you'd prefer.   I'd let this one go.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I see why your relationships don't last long.

I'll be blunt: you're the problem in this relationship. You want a clean house? Clean it yourself or hire a maid. You want attention? Escorts charge by the hour. Food? GrubHub.

Seriously, your GF has cancer, works, goes to school, and has a sick kid, and you think your needs should be on her list? How is she on your list of important things? If anything, right now YOU need to be stepping up, not the other way around.

You're not cut out for this. You don't actually care about your GF, you care about how she makes you feel. When she makes you feel good, she's awesome. When you're on the back burner, for good reason, you don't see her value. The selfishness you show in this relationship is astounding.

ParaZ31's picture

We discussed what I wanted and what she wanted. I know I'm not perfect but I don't think I'm that bad. My mother stayed at home while my dad worked and they are still together after me and my 3 other siblings. I know I have a lot of work to do to be a good spouse and SD but I'm here looking for advice and some clarity. She does her treatments 3x a month and works 5 12hr shifts she doesn't have to but she wants to. The custody agreement is suppose to be 50/50 which I could deal with but anything more I can't do I shut down because I don't get the time to evaluate my actions and everything comes out wrong. I've been told I'm borderline autistic but don't fully believe it. What can I do that her mother isn't doing? Was I wrong coming to this wedding and leaving them behind am I wrong for enjoying the way she makes me feel? 

mommadukes2015's picture

It's not about the wedding, it's about this woman's world being on fire and you main goal seems to be freeing her up enough to care for you too in addition to everything on her plate rather than being a partner and supporting her. 
 

that might seem harsh but it's the truth. 
 

you want advice? Stop trying to center yourself in her life and center her in yours-for as long as it takes to weather these storms. That's what true love is. And if you can't do that-you need to end it. You're only going to hurt her and frustrate yourself.

lieutenant_dad's picture

No, you're wrong for not putting her first right now.

She's staring at her and her daughter's mortality, and you're upset she hasn't cleaned the house or your pipe recently. THAT'S the problem. You need to stop worrying about your wants right now and focus on her wants and needs. Right now, she takes priority. This is the "in sickness" part of the vows you eventually want to take. If you cannot/do not want to help her, then leave.

tog redux's picture

Not all women want to stay home and be housewives, in fact, I'd argue that most women don't in these days. Perhaps she doesn't want to be dependent on a man (smart) or (gasp) actually values her career? 

Going to the wedding is not really the issue - it's your expectations of how your SO should behave as a woman.

JRI's picture

You're not wrong to want what you want, we all do.  She just has too much going on to fulfill your wants in the manner you prefer.  You'd like a stay at home mom (SAHM), like your mom was.  Thats fine but its not who your gf is.  She gets to want what she wants, too.

Time to move on, darlin.

Winterglow's picture

Firstly, a stepfather is not a substitute father. Your going to your brother’s wedding doesn’t make you a bad parent because you aren’t the child’s parent. I do hope you’re not feeling resentful because your gf couldn’t go with you. Even if she HAD gone, she wouldn’t have been much in the mood for celebrations while her daughter was sick in hospital.

 

Secondly, your gf has 50/50 with her ex, it’s hard to pretend that he doesn’t exist in those circumstances. I’d also like to add that if my child were in the hospital, I’d probably be badgering her other parent for updates on her time. The man is sick with worry.

 

From the information given, your gf has more than enough on her plate right now to worry about without adding your peeved feelings to it all. Try to be understanding. Also, remember that the whole point of dating is to find the person that is the right fit for you and not to force someone to fit just because you love them. You cannot change other people and trying to do so and even seemingly succeeding will only breed resentment down the line, resentment for having given in to being badgered to be something that she's not. You apparently want a replica of your mother … well, it doesn’t sound like your gf fits the bill. In this day and age, a woman needs to be financially independent, especially when she has a child, because nobody knows what the future will bring - your gf is taking care of that by working towards her future. Let’s also not forget either that, by being a SAHM, she would be losing time to build for her retirement …

 

Why on earth do you imagine that it’s your gf’s job to take care of the house, laundry, etc. Are you disabled or something? You both live there, you should BOTH be taking care of the chores. Step up, man! Be a grown up!

 

Bottom line, if you want someone who is available to you whenever you want, who will cater to your every whim, who will jump into bed at the drop of a hat, who will work and study and still clean and cook for you, then a woman with a sick daughter, who works overtime (an aside - ask yourself why she works overtime when she doesn't have to), who is studying to better her future and her child's future, and who is battling with breast cancer, is not the one for you.

 

And to answer your question, yes, it would be very wrong to ask her to drop everything and run after your needs. If you cannot find it in you to appreciate her for the strong, independent woman that she is then you should let her go.

tog redux's picture

He has an old-fashioned world view - women should stay home and care for the home and children while the man "provides". His GF apparently lives in 2020 and isn't willing to do that. 

Jake's picture

My definition of love is diferent than yours.

I  am a Bio-kid free man with 4 adult step children ranging from 43 to 52

I have been married to the love of my life for 34 years and engaged for 2 years proir to marriage.

All  I am tryin to say is I love my wife more than I love my self. I would do anything for my wife.

You have never been in Love if you never loved someone more than yourself.

Just my opinion. Love is caring and being selfliss  and compasssionate.

Its not, me first. I have devoted my life to my wife and all I have gotten for my troubles is Unconditional Love.

Lucky me. Get with the program or move on.

The best to you Jake

Peach's picture

You have gotten a lot of good advice here.  You GF has breast cancer and a sick child.  If your priorities are that she isn't doing enough housework or giving you enough sexual attention, you need to really think about why.   To me, you should be thinking of what you can do for HER while she weathers this storm.  I almost thought that this post was not real... still not sure it is.