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‘It’s ok for you to date’. . .

Paintcrisis's picture

Well ExH had time to calm down after losing his mind because I was on a ‘date’. This is why I was using Tinder and seeing guys who weren’t local. I thought he might try some crap.

Last Wednesday, I had to stop at his shop to get a paper from him. He was very nice to me and said he talked to his friend - who also happens to be a friend of my date - and friend told him to back off. Friend said date is a nice guy and I could do a lot worse.

So ExH said he guessed it was ok if I saw him. I laughed and shut the door. It is NOT worth trying to point out anything logical to him so I walked away.

But now he’s back to being bitter. Luckily, I have no reason to contact him right now so I can ignore.

This isn’t fair to have a crazy ex. I don’t know how you ladies do it with crazy BMs in the situation. I don’t think dating me is worth the sh*tshow that comes with it.  I know I wouldn’t date myself, lol!


DaizyDuke's picture

Did you not say that HE is dating as well???  So why is it OK for him and not for you???  I just can't with this idiot.  I hope that he settles down and finds someone new to target so you can move on and be happy

lieutenant_dad's picture

My XH texted me ALL. THE. TIME. after we split and I started dating. He HATED that I moved on, but the messages stopped once he got a GF.

Funny how I was his world and he loved me until someone else showed him attention. He was nearly silent after that.

Iamwoman's picture

I envy you! I wish my ex would be silent. He has been married for several years now and still comes up with stupid reasons to try to engage my attention. I constantly have to redirect to kid convos or simply ignore him. He seems to think anything and everything that pops into his head qualifies as a pertinent kid convo.

Sweet T's picture

It's the narc in him. My ex went through probably 9 loves of his lives right after our divorce and would text me late at night about them. You can't reason with crazy.

I ignored. When I met the hubs, he was positive he was a transient and wanted a criminal and international back ground check. 

Like Daisy says when they have a new victim the focus is off you. 


When mine hooked up with his new wife BM1 asked if we should warn her. I was like omg no,she is nice she is good to my kid and he is busy wooing her. Makes my life easier . Besides I would never have believed it if she had warned me.

Iamwoman's picture

Hi paintcrisis, my DH and I both have crazy exes. It is often like living in a nightmare as far as dealing with exes from both sides, but there is an end to the madness. They will both be completely cut off when kids turn 18.

Sometimes I think it’s easier to put with crazy BM than with crazy BD. I know a lot of people on here think that dads never win in court, but that is extremely passé. My ex has gotten away with so many lies in court it’s ridic. Actual abusive dads can get away with anything these days as long as they don’t leave a mark and your child is inarticulate. I remember counting down the years when DD was 8 and was forced to go stay with a man she didn’t know who treated her like garbage from day one. A decade seemed like a lifetime, and any custody order with a HCex seems like a prison sentence. However, time does pass. Children will be permanently affected, and being there for them, healing their wounds, and grounding their sanity is the best you can do. I have 3 years left, and each time he tries to engage me in his narc games, it’s a balance game between ignoring him for my sanity, doing what’s best for DD, and of course always sticking to the cookie cutter court order prison sentence. 18 is going to be the biggest party ever, and has already been dubbed the “Prison Break Party.” My heart aches daily for DD.

It won’t be easy, but you’ll get through it. Maybe try dating a man who also has kids. Works for me. DH is my best friend and soul mate.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Good luck with him.

I always love the way ex's think their opinions matter when it comes to our personal lives.

BM tired the crap of controlling SO and me. Demanding she had to meet me after refusing to do it. Tried to say what I was and was not allowed to do with the children and even tried to use our relationship as “evidence” that he shouldn’t have any legal custody.

Of course she runs around dating / sleeping with whoever she wants. Is allowed to do whatever she wants with the kids and let everyone and their dog watch the kids.

Glad you were firm and made it clear that his opinion doesn’t matter. It’s different if it’s actually hurting the children but there’s no sign of that here.

Simpleton21's picture

OMG, this is exactly how the BM we deal with is.  Her bf could watch SD but I couldn't.  This went on for so long that now that BM is okay with me watching SD I refuse to!  Screw her!  Watching SD isn't some sort of privelege anyways!  I prefer not to spend any time with her if possible! LOL

queensway's picture

Years ago when I was going thru my divorce my ex was a stalker. First let me say that my divorce lasted almost 3 years. Worst time of my life. 3 different judges and a trial that seemed to last forever. By the end of my divorce I started dating and my ex went crazy. He treated me like he owned me. He thought he was still in control of my life and just could not let go. After a restraining order things did get better. But it wasn't till he found someone new to marry he left me alone.

We now are okay with each other and he is on his 3rd marriage. I know  how hard it is to date again with a ex who still thinks they have a say about your life. I only talked to my ex about our kids and never anything else. It is best to keep what is going on in your dating life to yourself.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

BM seriously ramped up the crazy when she found out we were dating.. Try, showing up on the driveway and demanding money and calling with little sob stories, etc... Or bursting into the house and demanding if the girls were ready for her or if he was "too busy with his wh0re." *EYE ROLL*

Mind you. She cheated the whole marriage and was living with another man when we started dating... So.... 

Iamwoman's picture

Whores are usually the quickest to call other women whores. Most people project.

Then there is the saying, “a thief thinks everyone steals.”

I imagine it’s painful to admit being a bad person for some people. I’ve noticed most bad people find it easier to just assume that everyone else is just as bad if not worse than they themselves are. It probably makes them feel good about themselves in a backwards way. 

Those of us that strive for goodness generally give people the benefit of the doubt.


ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I could see that. Psychologically if you start calling everyone worse than you.. Then it's probably easier to rationalize being such a s*** person...

Simpleton21's picture

Ha, BM ramped up her antics as well when she found out he was serious about me and especially when she found out I was pregnant and we moved in with each other.  She would show up at our place before I got home to "help SD with homework" even though SD would be back at her house in time to finish anything she hadn't already.  Imagine how pissed I was being pregnant coming home to BM parked in the driveway in my spot acting like it was family homework time.  Or how she wanted to have a "core family" birthday dinner for SD with just her, SD and SO and when SO flat out refused it was because I was insecure and jealous, lol!  Mmmkay!  She was so insane most people thought she wanted him back but she was living with her bf long before SO and I started dating!  

Ugh, these controlling, insecure, jealous BMs are the worst!  

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

The "core family." Well b**** you broke that. Now shoo shoo! LMAO

The logic these people use makes ZERO sense!

Simpleton21's picture

Exactly!  I don't call it the core family.  I call it the failed family.  Plus trying to do stuff like that is just confusing for the kids.  This is why SD is still "struggling" with them being divorced 8 years later.....

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

So hard! After my cousin got a divorce his ex kept trying to get them to do "family outings." My only advice to him was not to do it. His girls needed to know that they have two families now, and that that's okay, and they can feel loved and happy in both even though they're seperate.

He admited his toddler was struggling with it all and cried because she didn't get why "mommy and daddy" had to go to different homes... It's so confusing for the poor kid! Gives them all these false hopes. Then when those hopes aren't realized it's crushing!

They don't do "family" outings now and things have really calmed down for them.

It is a failed family. Idk if family even needs to be in the title tbh... So many of our DHs and SOs seem to have come from complete dysfunction... LMAO

Simpleton21's picture

Yep, the complete dysfunction that our DHs and SOs have put up with until we come along is pretty much why most of us evil step moms have united here Wink LOL!

You are right, family shouldn't be in there, BM is no longer any part of SO's family.  He reminds her of that all the time which really pisses her off!  

My SD has a photo of BM and SO holding each other in a loving embrace, framed, in her room.  I hate that photo.  I hate that it is in my house.  They are not a couple anymore.  SO said he did it for SD.  I don't understand it.  If it was a picture of all of them together I might get how that is something SD wants, a picture of their failed family, but just SO and BM.  Ugh, I want to barf every time I look at it.  I mean, would SO like it if my son had the picture of me and his dad at prom hanging in his room?!?! I doubt it!  

theoldredhen's picture

Yo, Simpleton, (and BTW, Hon, you are far from simple! Not sure if I like your new name!)

When I left my ex, I was happier than I'd been for many moons. However, when dropping off our son one afternoon, I noted an attractive woman, sitting in the living room that had once been mine. I must confess that I was a bit taken aback.

When I returned to my apartment, I examined my feelings and realized that, although I was glad to see my ex getting over our breakup, I was also experiencing a bit of jealousy. I had to laugh, recognizing that I was being quite the dog in the manger: I didn't want the guy yet I was a tad huffy about seeing him with another. 

It takes time to come to grips with all of those complicated feelings that one has for an ex with whom one has spent years of one's life; it doesn't happen overnight. Rational people accept those mixed feelings and move on whereas neurotic aka 'high conflict' exes are unable to let go.

Simpleton21's picture

I changed it because my old name had my last name in it and I didn't want anyone searching and finding a crazy HCBM!  I know I am not simple ;)  It was just an easy change!

I get that there is some jealousy sometimes in cases like that....however....they had been broke up for years at this point and she was living with her BF.  I was not SO's first relationship after the divorce!  I think it was more of the fact that she knew he was serious about me that caused her crazy at that time.  She is also neurotic and high conflict so I think she will be hanging onto this "core family" crap until she dies!  

Aniki's picture

Jeez. When my psycho ex was dating, that was okay. However, he still considers me his WIFE, so I was supposed to be faithful to him while he dated whomever.

BTW, WHY did friend even tell your ex about your date??

bananaseedo's picture

So nice you have his permisson lol ....and CORE family?  OMG lol people are crazy.*crazy*

Simpleton21's picture

LOL, right?!? Core family was a big stretch for BM to still feel relevant I guess.  She never wanted any of these core bday dinners until I came into the picture.  She does have forced "shared" holidays in the CO also.  I attended them for the first couple years and now I flat out refuse.  If SO wants to do his "shared" holidays that is fine but I am not.  That wasn't my agreement!  I have also heard people call it the "first family"....ugh...whatever...I stand by the FAILED FAMILY!

momof3smof2's picture

Your ex. smh

Just live your life. That's all you can do.