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On the topic of vacations...another question to those w/Skids and Bios

overit2's picture

Ok since we're bringing up vacations-I know I've heard of some bad experiences on this board about doing this..>BUT has anyone done this and it didn't end in disaster?

Ok scenario, if I take MY bios w/my bf and I on vacation and we don't invite the SD...is that a good idea?

First off, we aren't married yet. Second, him and I BOTH know that a vacation w/all of them would be extremely stressful for us as the three of them together are like a time bomb-yet when it's just him and I and my boys we do fine.

I know it could cause further jealousy for her and we're already experiencing it... BUT, she does get to go on trips w/her mom quite frequently -so why should I feel guilty about taking a trip w/just my boys and her dad?

I'm sure she would feel entitlted to come on ALL trips her mom and her dad do...even if I would like a vacation w/my kids only. In a way I'm like, I don't care what she thinks-she's come and bragged about going places w/her mom and family and my kids wouldn't brag about it either.

I'm guessing we would probably plan it on a wknd we are "off schedule" which happens frequently. That way it's not a wknd she's supposed to be w/her dad anyways.

My plan is actually to be pretty firm on this-I don't think my bf will take offense but I haven't been on a vacation w/my kids in a while-I'd love to go the beach. My bf and I went to an amazing place last year and talked about taking the kids-his hesitation was obvious-and it was really the pain of having all 3 he was talking about. I want to take my kids this year ....and my bf can join us or we can make it an us 3 vacation-but I'm not planning on inviting his D. Perhaps if things change over time and her behavior improves and the fighting w/the boys subside I will consider it-but if she can't behave at MY house for one/two days...it could be HELL in a different place. I will not be paying for my vacation and have it ruined.

SO...for others that have done this-how did it go? I'm thinking if it's you, dh, and your BIOS TOGETHER that's different...but what if it's just YOUR bios, your H and you, and were there repercussions w/your skids?

Comments

overit2's picture

"I think...bottom line...that even though my husband really loved his kids, even HE knew that taking them along would have totally destroyed that entire vacation. And if the 7 of us had been jammed into our van and into condos for 2 straight weeks? SOMEONE was gonna die... LOL"

See, this would be the same-he's the first one to harp on the idea that his D is the "problem" child. He knows it destroys wknds-he's been hesitant to take a trip anywhere or go out anywhere because the thought of the three of them in a car for anything over 30mins gives him anxiety. I don't think we would live through 7 hr drive w/the 5 of us...The condo we would stay at is pretty decent sized but I can just predict the problems. W/my two they'de have more room in the car-are more easy going, and would enjoy the trip.

With her she's more go go like her mom-get's bored after 2 min and has to do something else. Doesn't mesh well w/us as we are all pretty laid back and like to ENJOY relaxation time. If we're at the beach we will likely stay there hours at a time-perhaps alternating to pool for a bit. I guarantee she'd be bored and looking for some drama or something else to do after 30 mins-her dad can barely handle her..he's more laid back then I am even. So in that sense I don't think he would be too offended when I throw this at him...but I'm sure there might be some fallout.

Totalybogus's picture

I don't think it is necessary to take the stepkids on every vacation. I think it is just as important to spend the time with just your bios since every facet of their lives have been overrun with the choice we made to marry a man with kids.

I'm sure their mother takes them on vacations too.

GoodbyeNormaJean's picture

I think Ira reasonable to go on a trip with just your bios. Just plan it for a weekend when she's not around and don't mention it before hand. That way there's no last
minute cancellation change of plans and no guilting or moping. If she bitches after the fact, who cares? It's over and it's not like she can turn back time and ruin it.

hismineandours's picture

We took our first skid free vacation last August. It was only a 3 day trip to the mountains, but it was lovely. It was me, dh, my two bios, and our one together. SS was specifically not invited along after 10 years of taking him on every single trip we've ever been on. He is horrible on trips. Generally, most kids are fairly happy to be doing fun stuff, etc-but he's just bad. He starts out ok, but gets progressively worse til the last day of the trip it takes great willpower not to strangle him. We took a beach vacation last June. Rented a beach house with private pool-it was lovely. SS doesnt go on vacations with bm so naively one would think he might appreciate it-although he's been many times with us.

The icing on the cake on that vacation was that 1 hour after we hit the road to return home we were all talking in the car when ss calmly informed me and my 3 children that he didnt like any of us, didnt like to be around us, didnt get along with us, and didnt like talking to us. There were no arguments or fights at that time, he just calmly stated this. Admitted he truly had no reason to feel this way about us-he just did.

So, wow, we just drive 14 hours with this kid and stay at a beach house and do fun stuff all week long and spend all kinds of money on him and he doesnt like any of us? That was the last vacation I am willing to take with ss. Which surely he is ok with since he doesnt like any of the family except his dad anyway.

I really think in ss's case-he doesnt like us. He's being honest. And the longer he is around us the more hateful he becomes.

Tx mommy of 3's picture

I think it is fair if at some point sd gets to do something with just her and her dad. I have not been on a trip with my ss. Don't plan on it. We have done 3 vacations with dh, me and our bios. Two trips were when ss wasn't visiting us and one was on a weekend we did't have him. At first he was fine with it, but now he feels bad. We were also talking about taking a big trip this summer (no ss) but that isn't happening. (read my last blog). Anyway, last summer dh took ss and ds on a weekend trip. I told dh that could be an annual thing. He takes ss somewhere just them two and he doesn't even have to take our ds. All dh wants is to be able to take his child somewhere and all ss wants is to be with his dad, not us. To me it works out perfectly. I never have to go on a trip with ss! In your case, I would tell dh this trip is for you four and if he doesn't want to go without sd then he doesn't have to go. But if he does want to go and feels bad then maybe he can do his own trip or something another time with just him and her.

Shell97's picture

DH & I use to take vacations all the time, sometimes with skids and bs & sometimes with just bs. When the skids were younger, they would sometimes have a fit about it, but bm always took them on at least 4-5 vacations a year. Once the skids got a little older, they realized that it was ok for dh & I to not include them on every vacation we take because of how many vacations they go on that bs doesn't get to. You just have to figure out what works best for your family. The way we did vacations worked for our family, it may not work for your family. Did dh feel guilty on those vacations we took without skids-yes. Did dh wish skids could have been there-yes. But what dh eventually realized was that it wasn't fair to bs for us to not go on a vacation if skids didn't or couldn't go. You & dh shouldn't put off doing something with the bio's just because she can't go or you don't want to take her. It's not fair to the bio's. It took my dh a little while to realize that, but once he did, he had no problem taking a vacation without the skids and no longer felt guilty about doing it. DH still wished the skids could have went, but he wasn't going to deprive bs from going somewhere just because of the skids.

overit2's picture

I agree....the way things are now I doubt he'll want to take a trip just him and her anyways.

It's so up and down w/her..there are times she calls the boys, especially the youngest...all kinds of names and is horrid...and other times they get along so well, and they BOTH enjoy eachother. There are times she's great w/me, and there were a few "i hate this family, you are all crazy" moments...when she's the crazy one lol. I guess normalcy doesn't agree w/her. Poor kid-I can't blame her, her mom is nuts...she thinks THAT is normal..Normal is BORING to her.

If we can't have drama, fights, hitting she's bored w/in minutes.

Thanks for the advice ladies..yep, I do plan to stick w/it...I'm presenting it as "hey I want to take the boys to...you're welcome to come, maybe we can try a full family outing when things calm down between the kids...and try a smaller scale like fishing or the lake for a day"

Tx mommy of 3's picture

Good plan. That way it is YOUR trip with your bios. I suggested him going on a trip with his daughter as just something you could suggest to him in his moment of guilt. If he goes with ou and feels bad, then suggest he take her somewhere just them two. Now whether he does it or not is up to him, but you're off the hook.