Thanks for the tips, AA I could definately approach as more of a "we"...because right now it is MY home, hence the "I"...but eventually if we have a life together then I'm sure there will be rules and behavior he wants to see improved from my kids also....so I kind of like the "WE" approach. TO be honest I've been enforcing 'rules' daily w/my kids but it would not hurt them either at ALL to have a list of rules on the fridge that we present to ALL of them and enforce.

As for the contact-BM DOES abuse it. IN fact for over a year when he changed his phone n his ex did not even have his n because she abused her contact with him. he got sick of it-the only reason she NOW has his phone n is because she took it from SD's phone-she's still somewhat careful on contacting him but she does sometimes call SD repeatedly over the wknd. The thing is, I never call my kids...if there is a time/date to arrange because of a game him/I handle this at drop-off...there is no reason for her to call, text to say hi, send pics, nothing other then to 'show' she is still part of a package deal (golden uterus article explains it). She can talk to her mom while NOT at my home-the reason I have to do this is because his ex abuses it and I feel I have to become strict about it so she doesn't continue this.

Can't win-we have been dating close to 3 yrs...and are plannign to marry one day-I agree it's long, i never know how to condense, that's the problem-I agree guys need it short and simple..I don't know how to do that though? LOL Any tips appreciated.

Things are looking up a bit-he's stopped the incessant "SD" talk-though it comes up on ocassion..but the last solo wknd we had except for one talk Friday night we both kept it to US and not the kids.

Condensed-a BIT-is it still too long?
And modified a bit after a few more tips.

Hey Hon,

A few follow up things from me this time (no articles) 

I don’t know that I’m emotionally ready to bring the kids back together on weekends yet, at least not in my house, I know the boys asked if they could see her this wknd, but I’m not sure I’m quite ready yet. There has been a LOT going on for me lately as you know… I feel just traumatized right now about everything and I’m still struggling emotionally.

In addition, I still will have to say that you will be taking some action on the things I shared with you.

I know the next couple of months you will have her anytime the ex dictates. I’m planning on taking some time off and I do not think it is fair for me to be straddled with anther womans child who refuses to take any time off every single year to care for her child-or maybe share the care with HER family, as how I do it.

Maybe you think that is selfish perhaps, but it’s not fair for me to have my home turned into a war zone, nor me having to provide food/shelter because her mom refuses to take anytime off or spread the child-care arrangements fairly, nor will neither you or your parents say no to her, but in the end it ends up being MY problem as you/her will be at my house the majority of that time. So maybe I can be the selfish, insensitive bitch this time-it seems to work for your ex just fine.

As to WHEN I’m ready, I don’t know-it may be after the Holiday mayhem- All I know is I have ‘rules and conditions’ that will have to be met for my own sanity and to protect our relationship:

• I think BOTH of us should sit down and make a list of ‘house and behavior rules’ and have ALL the kids read it, sign it and we will post on the fridge-and then we apply consequences for breaking the rules. They’re older now and it’s time we lay stronger limits. I have ideas, and I know you do, we can work on this together. Kids learn through reading right? Lets make a point then.
• Please make sure to DISCIPLINE her every time it gets out of hand, and not ignore any bad behavior or breaking of the rules. I expect us both to be the main discipline person for our own children, but I want us to speak up and also back eachother up everytime w/eachothers kids to show we are consistent and a united front. I don’t think this should wait till marriage.
• I no longer want her in my room to change, shower, place her stuff or going through my stuff. She can use the guest/kids bathroom. The master bedroom is the ADULT room and I will keep it that way. Nobody is to enter w/out permission. I want CLEAR boundaries. This will go for all the kids.
• Please no phone calls from the ex while in my house to her or you, please respect that as that is my right to request. Perhaps she doesn't need to bring her phone while you guys are visiting -That womans presence in my home will NOT be tolerated in. I do NOT call my kids/ex on their weekend and I am going to demand the same respect.
• Please speak to her of not showing any pictures of your ex in anyway, from her phone, in a wallet, etc…nor receive phone calls or have a million conversations come up about her from you guys. The least she is ‘present’ thos weekends the better-it adds an extra poisonous element and makes things worse for me. Don’t ask me or get angry if I cannot handle running all weekend around to please her never ending activity list her mom has signed her up for. Don’t expect that I am ok with seeing your ex and her family and being around the ‘old family’ on weekends, as I do not do that to you.
• When/if you guys come over please continue to bring food/snacks for her and help contribute towards any meal/grocery bills that happen those wknds- I’m not in a financial position to provide for another woman’s child, nor do I think it is fair for you to expect me to or assume I will.

These are the basics and where I’m at right now. I love you and want us to work, but this is how it will have to be moving forward if we think we have a slight chance of making it long term.

Giveit...thank you!! "I'd also suggest putting 'we' in as much as you can, without imposing on his free will. I'd say, also, that you are tired of all the negativity and the impact it has on 'us', as in both of you. Ask him what he thinks would make the difference too, if it comes from him then you are NOT doing this all by yourself. Tell him you need his help with the issue if it boosts his ego"

I really like this...guess I'll keep working at it lol

Ok-i keep working on this- it's definately sissified though lol Also ladies, i think some of you are thinking this is just a regular run of the mill 'checklist' i'm running off to him-you have to understand that this brought us to almost never seeing eachother again, there was a LOT of hurt and there needs to be BIG changes for us to continue...I want to convey a little more then a bullet list 1-4 and be done... I want to remind him of my feelings on some issues and be honest about where I'm at. This is breakign point for us. I know the first was too long though and I am really liking ALL contributions, it's really helping me do a better job communicating with him and modifying the letter. I know I keep leaving my feelings of the ex here lol-sorry I can't seem to part with ALL of my feelings on this. But truly THANK YOU SO MUCH for the time you guys are taking in helping me right now!!! You are my rocks!

Hey Hon,

A few follow up things from me this time. I don’t know that I’m ready to bring the kids back together on weekends yet, there has been a LOT going on for me lately as you know… I feel just traumatized right now and I’m still struggling emotionally.

In addition, I still hope we can discuss more how you plan to address the concerns and issues I brought up by sharing the articles moving forward.

I know the next couple of months you will have her anytime the ex dictates. I’m planning on taking some time off and I do not think it is fair for me to be straddled on my treasured vacation time with another responsibility while your ex refuses to take any time off every single year to care for her child-or maybe share the care with HER family a little more fairly, or perhaps have you and your parents say no on ocassion and force her to be more responsible.
Maybe you think that is selfish perhaps, but it’s not fair to me, in the end it ends up being MY problem as you/her will be at my house the majority of that time. So maybe I can be the selfish, insensitive bitch and bad guy this time-it seems to work for your ex just fine

Perhaps we can start working on this after the Holidays? But there will have to be some ‘rules and conditions’ we agree on. We both know that these issues have caused a big impact and a lot of strain, negativity and struggle in our relationship -and I need your help and suggestions also as to what we can do moving forward that will help ALL of us.

• I think BOTH of us should sit down and make a list of ‘house and behavior rules’ and have ALL the kids read it, -and then we apply consequences for breaking the rules. I have ideas, and I know you do, we can work on this together.

• Please stay consistent on the discipline with her as that is KEY in any home. I expect us both to be the main disciplinarians with our kids- but I also want us to back eachother up everytime to show the kids that WE-BOTH ADULTS are in charge, consistent and a united front. I don’t think this should wait till marriage.

• I no longer want her or her things to be allowed in my room/bathroom or in my stuff. Nobody is to enter the adult room. I want CLEAR boundaries. This will go for all the kids-but especially because I’m trying to draw some boundaries with her which we BOTH agree she desperately needs as she has taken a very 'adult spousal' role in life.

• Please no phone calls from the ex while in my house back/forth- I ask you respect that being my right to request. Also please I would prefer no pictures of the ex and for all to limit any conversations about her during that time. I think you can agree that the least GU is ‘present’ those weekends the better-it adds an extra poisonous element to our weekends and our relationship.

• I hope you can understand that there will be many occasions that I do not want to run around to the very long list of activities SD in- as it forces both families together and I partially think that is intentional on the GU end- but I don’t have to expose myself to it You have told me this is why your own mother does not attend these, so I ask you to be understanding of my feelings as a woman on this issue.

• I also appreciate that you bring food and snacks for your daughter and that you contribute to the meals while she is visiting. I expect this to continue.

I love you and want us to work together moving forward to improve our lives, our children’s and our relationship-I’m open to hearing from you on this more.