Dang people-do NOT get in a relationship with a married, recently seperated, recently divorced man or woman
Pretty much-title says it all..I keep reading DAILY on this board this phenomenon-do you not know that NOTHING good can come from a rebound relationship, a relationship built in dishonesty, cheating or even a realtionship that hasn't had time to heal after the divorce.
Keep the 1-2 years minimum in your head as you approach any "getting a divorce" man. LEARN from others here- NOBODY and I mean NOBODY is ready for the emotions and test of a new relationship w/previous bagagges/relationship-marriage issues/skids issues/angry ex-wife issues hanging over their heads. YOur life will be MISERABLE! Do NOT think you two are this wonderful beautiful exception, you are NOT! Don't kid yourself into thinking somehow you are immune to life's rules.
Are we that naive/vulnerable/desperate/low-esteem ridden to get suckered into these messes???? Even with plenty of time between divorces you can see there are serious issues-that's human nature but you're just adding negative odds by getting involved to soon after/before ink is dry. Don't fall for his lines, he wants a warm bed and company to distract him from the pain and drama when he NEEDS to deal with it. He hasn't figured out how to even be a parent yet. Let alone heal from a bad relationship and learn from his OWN failures in it.
For those that want to say the tired line of 'I met my dh and we were both recently seperated-the marriage had been over for years" spare me, been there, done that, lived that, learned that just like anybody else in the real world. You know, and I know that you added great heartache and difficulty to your lives and IF you beat the odds you were just damn lucky.
GIVE IT TIME-dont' rush into a relationship, move in, get married to quick, intro the kids, common sense stuff.
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My DH and I met one month
My DH and I met one month after he moved out of the house he shared with his ex-wife - but the marriage had been bad for about 2 years and we have been together over 9 years - yes it was a struggle but he is not young and knew he wanted to be with someone who loved him and wanted to be with him and was not with him for his money and when he found out BM was cheating with multiple partners he was so over her. So I really think it depends on the situation - some people stay in their horrible marriages for whatever reason for him it was he did not want SS to have divorced parents but once she proved that she would make no effort whatsoever to be faithful to him and was going to try to get him to pay for college for her so she could leave him then - that was it for him IT WAS OVER!!! Of course now BM has re-written history and takes no blame in any of the divorce that is until he sent her many emails that she had written to her lovers while she was with him and believe me she was very explicit and also emails she had written to her close girlfriends telling them how she was going to use him for 4 more years and then kick him to the curb. That shut her right up she is still a pain in the a** but at least she knows we know what the truth is!! We got married one year after meeting - I am not saying this will work for everyone but it worked for us - so that is why I say every situation is different.
I wanted a baby and I am not young and could not wait for years to see if this was right - we have DD6 and next year when SS graduates then we are through with BM and I may only come on here to read what others are writing. But the difference with my situation is that most times DH had backed me up 100% and while he loves his son he loves me and respects me as his wife and takes that very seriously and we both view the family the same way that the parents are the ones in control and it is God first, husband and wife next and then the children. Very traditional I know but it works for us. In fact in most cases I will defer to him if he makes a decision. I do this because I know he wants what is best for me and the family and loves us all very much. I always thank God that BM screwed up and I got to meet such a wonderful, kind and caring man who is so ambitious and works very hard for our family. And no he had no money when I met him - he lost his job could not find another and when he did it was for 1/3 of what he was making when he was with BM and 700 miles from my friends and family - now we are doing fantastic but it took us 8 years of marriage and a lot of work to get where we are today!!!
Did he marry you before he
Did he marry you before he was divorced - when DH and I got married his divorce was not final until 4 months before we got married - we used to joke that we did not know what was going to come first the divorce or our marriage - we met in April and he told his ex about us getting married in November when he saw her when he went to pick up SS - she was fine with it and said Oh good now I am going to give you SS for sure at the end of the school year - I just don't want to be a single mother anymore it is too hard - of course I had never dealt with a child before (I always dated men without children) and I was happy that my DH could have his son full time (we are 700 miles apart) of course he moved in with us 3 months after getting married and boy was that a revelation - it was very stressful time for me. I had quit my job, moved 700 miles from friends and family - got pregnant had a miscarriage - gained a 9 year old boy - moved from one apartment into a bigger one - got a new job and that was all within the first 3 months. BM did not really start her crap until about a year into the marriage and saw that we were happy and that DH had moved on from her quite easily!!!
Allgirls and CG-but you just
Allgirls and CG-but you just pretty much affirmed what I just said while trying to say "it worked out for us". This is really just advice for any newcomers...and really it IS sound advice. Allgirls I completely disagree with your first paragraph btw -well and even the second lol- hence it's just advice to newbies and single women to not go there, no need to...even if by some crazy chance you 'lucked out' years later.
All is fair in love and war-is not a philosphy I live by. More like the golden rule. Please know-this post isn't an attack on those here that have already been there done that...its' about giving some heads up to the poor guys/gals that come on here in those messes they don't need to be in-there chances of success we all know are very much stacked up against them. That is reality.
I did not affirm anything
I did not affirm anything with what you said - I said every situation is different and if our BM had not decided to re-write history and be such a b*tch then I would not need to be on this site - she cheated on him there is proof - he never cheated on her - they did not have sex for a full year before they separated and DH was sleeping in the guest room for 10 months before he left and would get up at 5:30 so that SS would not see him in the guest room until one day even SS at age 8 said Dad you do not need to get up so early I know you sleep in that room - so even SS knew something was wrong - in our situation waiting 5 years would have not been any different for DH - once he lost the love for her and once she proved yet again with her I will use him for as long as I can then in his heart she was dead to him - he was ready not everyone is but he was!!
I already knew all this, been
I already knew all this, been there, done that. My BF was divorced 3 yrs & I 7 yrs when we met. He had dated a few people ... so here i think i had a man who would clearly be over his divorce & there is no way i would be a rebound. Yeah right!!! What i didn't know till after living together a while how much BF & BM played house with the kids, that they had slept together 2 mo's before we met and then went onto the talking about a lot, still went to her for things, emailed/IM/text everyday, wanted to spend Christmas together, etc .... all kinds of not over the divorce stuff! Heck - 2 months ago BF, BM & skids went out to dinner together ... and yes - this was already talked about between us as a boundary issue, etc. etc. etc .....
Bottom line is ... it really depends on the person. Just have to watch those little red flags!!!
Jen-thanks for being the
Jen-thanks for being the voice of reason. It takes a lot for someone to own up to their own mistakes in life. And believe me when I say I have made PLENTY of them and various times in life....NO there was no affair that ended my marriage or bf's so it is unrelated to that-but it seems it's a very common denominator in failing/miserable blended families...that one side or the other didn't take the time to work on their own lives to become a better person/parent before trying to jump into a relationship.
I mean we all have needs for crying out loud-that's what you have vibrators, casual relationships and dating for lol...but if you jump into a serious relationship so soon after a marriage/during ODDS are you're in for a world of pain-and your life is not the only one affected. Remember the rule of Karma and the Golden Rule and allowing time for self refletion and healing, that's all I'm saying.
Star-this (MY blog)isn't intended to attack you but give sound warning to singles ..if your concious bothers you enough to come attack me for no reason you can start your own blog. If you continue to comment after I have asked you to stop I will report it.
I don't think that any number
I don't think that any number of years apart from BM's, ex-wives will solve any problems... My DH had not been with SS12 BM for almost 10 years when I met him (they were never married, and only lived together for a short time after SS was born) During that 10 years DH had 2 other long term girlfriends and neither one of them could deal with the BM/Skid drama and left. I should have taken THAT as the big hint, but like you said, I think I thought I was above that, I was better than that, and I would be fine with the situation.. after all, everyone has an Ex right?? WRONG!!!!
What I didn't realize is that a BM ex has as much power as they do to demand, invade and just cause general havok in your life and you have ZERO control over that. That whether DH wants to admit it our not, that BM will always come first "because of the skids". for instance, DH does not see agreeing to babysit SS for BM as a favor to BM, but as an extra chance for him to see SS and "be a good dad" While I see his point, it also chaps my ass the when BM says "jump" DH says "how high".... "for the sake of the skids" of course.
If DH and I ever divorced, I would NEVER, EVER date a man with children again. Call me a hypocrite since I have a BS1 with DH, but sorry, not doing it, been there, done that, learned that it's not all it's hyped up to be....
And again though....stepaside
And again though....stepaside makes great points. Why come on here defending it as something good just because you're still married having gotten into a situation w/out being ready for it?
EVEN if BM never changes-the GUY can have a better handle at himself and a new relationship by taking his time to work through things. NOT everything is about the BM-in fact I dare say most of it will be about you. There are exceptions-but as a general rule-why encourage people to take additional odds stacked against them when it comes to relationships...that are damn hard already w/out bagagge and re-marriage and kids-why ADD unless you have aheart for the complex and dramatic or don't care how it affects others lives outside of your own.
Need Advice
So I got a divorce about a year ago. I admit, I was a crappy wife and never truly loved my husband. We had been married for a short 7 months before my poor attitude and his cheating just had to come to an end.
I decided that day, I was never getting married again. It was too much. I still wanted to be a parent but I would much rather have a child with a good friend that a partner I barely liked.
That was, until I met this guy. He asked a friend from work about me (a picture of she and I sat on her desk and I know I was cute in the pic). Come to find out, he had been asking about me for a while.
I agreed to go on a date with him, begrugedly. I actually tried to cancel the date once I found out not only had he been married before but he had a kid. And I don't know if you all have ever dated someone with kids, but it is THE hardest thing I've ever done. EVER!
Well this time it was even worse.
We went out and had and "ok" first date at best. His reservation was a hot mess. But I was my funny personable self and made a good time out of a crappy day. He asked to go out after and I told him it was nice to meet him but I would rather go home.
long story short, we have talked every day since. That was September of 2020.
Where this all gets messy, is he was still married, but separated. When he said he was divorced, he lied. He was "getting a divorce". And when I say the divorce is still not final and they have been "separated" since April of 2020.
To make this really long story short, him and his wife FT at minimum 5 times a day so he can speak to his infant (1 year and 3 month old son). He always says he's calling his son but him and his wife end up having a pretty nice conversation.
In the last month he has mentioned TWICE how the thought has crossed his mind to get back with her for "the sake of their son" and "maybe they could have fallen in love if i were a better husband".
I have met his "ex" wife and she seems nice and she knows about me. But I can't help but feel completely stupid. He also isn't eager to have more kids nor get married again. And I want children more than anything.
thanks for listening. I've definitely answered my own questions writing this out. Time to move on.