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SS wanting to move back in

Over-It's picture

This is my first blog ever, so that being said I'm obviously frustrated. Sorry for the length

I have 2 boys of my own 16 & 5. The 16 yr old is with me ft the 5 is 1/2. My boyfriend has 2 a 17 yr old boy and a 15 yr old girl who live out of state with the BM.

Boyfriend moved here Jan 08, we met in Feb and were together all the time. In April 08 his kids came to visit for a week and was extremely upset when they left. He moved back to his home town in May 08 to be with the kids. In July 08 he moved back with me bcz the kids didnt spend any time with him while he was there.

Oct 08 BM calls and says that my boyfriend needs to come get SS bcz SS was out of control drinking and skiping school. Nov 08 he flies there to get SS and drive back with him in SS truck. SS helps pack the truck and then runs away. boyfriend spends all day trying to get SS to come back with him but BM decides that SS can stay with her. 7th Dec 08 SS flies here to live with us. Within 1st week we are having problems with SS being disrespectful. I reached out to BM asking her for some support, not to talk bad about me to the kids, to have communication with me so we can work together. She refused. Jan 09 SS starts skipping school. Caught SS smoking in the house (not just cigs), he stole alcohol from the house and continued to be disrespectful. Boyfriend gave me no support and didnt stop SS from being disrespectful. Boyfriend and I start drinking and fighting all the time. SS and I fight all the time. Mar 09 SS drops out of school. SS tells his mom lies about me so now BM and boyfriend are fighting all the time too. May 09 we break up and he moves out of state. SS moves back with BM.

July 09 Boyfriend and I start working things out and he moves back here with the promise he would not allow SS to move back in and cause conflict again. SS finds out that we are back together and leaves a very nasty message on boyfriends voicemail calling us both every name in the book and refuses to talk to my boyfriend at all. Aug 09 SS is really acting out at BMs home and she kicks him out. SS calls my boyfriend and now my boyfriend wants to move SS back here. Today he is pressuring me to allow SS to move back. Said he will inforce rules this time and wont let SS be disrespectful. I cant do it.

I would never keep my boyfriend from his kids but my children and I dont deserve to go through that again.

Am I wrong to say NO?


AllSmiles's picture

honey, I need a valium just reading your post. No wonder you are so stressed out. Your boyfriends word doesn't seem to count for a whole lot, so I don't see why you should believe him this time.

Why can't boyfriend and SS live together separate from you and your kids? That way you could see if he does follow through without subjecting your children to more fighting.

"Courage is fear holding on a minute longer." General George S. Patton

Over-It's picture

I suggested that to my boyfriend already. I told him that I fully understand him wanting to give his son a second chance and told him that him getting his own place to do that in would be a better idea but he doesnt want to do that. Now he said he feels like he has to choose between us. All I know is that I cant go through it again. SS has made very little effort to patch the relationship between he and I. Also I told him that he needed to take responsibility and get his GED, which hasnt happened. I also suggested Job Corp or the military for some discipline. So glad to hear Im not crazy.

misfit's picture

please for the sake of your own sanity, for your kids, for the useless and needless drama that you will SURELY come across over and over.. get out!!! I second AllSmiles' opinion that your BF doesn't seem like a person who's word you can count on. He is struggling, too, I'm sure, but he's asking things of you that are TOXIC and completely inappropriate to agree to considering what you've been through already.

I'm on the fence too about my relationship with my SO and it's extremely difficult to admit to myself that sometimes, leaving is the best option I got. I don't want to hear it and I don't want to think about it but honey, if I were in your situation, I'd just lay this to rest and count it as life experience.

It's so hard to change ourselves, never mind other people. Sending you good vibes!!

If you wish to give off light, you must endure the burning.

Over-It's picture

I definitely need some good vibes. BF loves his kids but just lets them walk all over him. They both treat him like crap and are nice when it is convenient. I dont play that game. He wants to be their friend not parent bcz he is afraid if he gives any discipline they will hate him.. It is crazy. I love him but I just cant go thru it again, although they are both telling me this time would be different. I dont believe it.

AllSmiles's picture

Crazy is expecting different results from trying the same thing over and over. BF isn't having to chose between the two of you, you can still just don't want his and his sons hell raising. Who would?

Stand firm, sister. There is no reason he can't clean up his mess before bringing it back into your life. Military is a great idea, the man needs discipline and to learn follow through...but what about for the son? ha aha ha

"Courage is fear holding on a minute longer." General George S. Patton

Shaman29's picture

I agree with the others. I've already let DH know that if step-demon (sd/stb14) ever suggests moving back in with us, I would move out and divorce him so fast it would make his head spin.

After what you've been through, you owe it to yourself and your own biokids some peace in the home.

For your BF's sake as well. If he doesn't let SS move back and something happens to SS, well two things will surely happen:

1. He will blame himself for what happens to his biokid.
2. Because you didn't give in to him, he will then blame you for what happens to his biokid.

Whenever someone in my life has had to convince me to do something I've always ended up regretting my decision.

“Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath.”
Michael Caine

Over-It's picture

I know. I dont want to be blamed for any of this. I gave him a chance and he crapped all over me. He uses profanity all the time and I dont want that in front of my 5 yr old. I think I did my part in trying and I dont think it is fair to ask it of me again especially when SS has done nothing to prove he wants to change his life. He is currently living at a friends house and is still smoking pot and drinking. He has made no effort in getting his GED. He makes no effort to have a relationship with the BM so what would make me think he would respect me at all?? It is a mess.

BF said I am his life and he loves me but yes if something happens I can only imagine what will come back on me.

Shaman29's picture

I understand, I really do. Though my relationship with DH squeaked through the h**l step-demon put us through, I don't believe it would survive it a second time. And I know I could never tolerate living with her ever again.

I can only advise if your gut is telling you to keep the SS away from you and your children, then please listen to it. Don't let him blackmail you into staying in the relationship. It's not a healthy foundation for anything long term.

Keep us posted please!

“Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath.”
Michael Caine

sparky's picture

Insanity= doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.