Sick and Tired of sd8 looking like a ragdoll!
Sd8 had her first communion yesterday. I asked weeks ago about her dress and hair,Dh said bm was taking care of it. We show up at church and sd looks like a buffoon. Her dress was NOT a 1st Communion dress,it was shorter,off white,and she had iridescent silver shoes on,along with a headband~veil that didn't fit her properly,so it hung down on her head like a total mess. Every single other girl had a long white dress with white shoes,as it is the standard. Sd8 stuck out and it was just pathetic. Bm is a moron and I wish I could take over sd8 in the hair and clothing department!
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My stepkids BM is infamous
My stepkids BM is infamous for this. (Mental illness plays a big part in her case). Does your SD seem aware or embarrassed that her clothes are a mess? Or is she kind of on the same page with BM after being raised by her?
Oh I'm SO glad to have
Oh I'm SO glad to have someone in the same boat as me!
I've been there for years! SD is ALWAYS in ratty I'll fitting clothes, won't brush her hair, and her clothes are too tight, too small, stained, holes in them.
I feel like it reflects badly on me because she looks like no one cares about her!
I used to insist she have nice clothes, and change into good clothes. DH spent thousands on nice clothes and she would bring them all to BMs and wear back her "comfy" clothes.
She refuses to wear jeans...only leggings and comfy pants that don't fit (too tight)
I just gave up...
We now just buy her the cheap 4.95 shirts and leggings from Walmart.
I'm at a loss myself too, BM is no help because she too only wears comfy clothes/men's over sized clothes, and looks like she rolled out of bed and threw on the first thing available, so sd does the same.
I can understand your
I can understand your frustration. Sometimes in our household it goes both ways, meaning each of us has certain standards that we expect and they don't completely line up. One thing that my mother used to do for her "skids" was to come prepared on the assumption that the other person won't have the child ready. That way, there's an extra (whatever might be needed), just in case.
Same boat. Mostly gave up on
Same boat. Mostly gave up on SD, she's a different story. But SS13 will wear pretty much what anyone lays out for him. He's autistic, he doesn't care. But it's as if BM were playing up the autism to make him seem most different from other kids as she possibly could. I'd pick him up from school he'd be dressed in flimsy, very thin jersey gym shorts and sloppy T shirts with spaghetti stains on it. He does not eat spaghetti for breakfast or at school so those stains were from the last time he wore the shirt. I don't mean a permanent stain you need bleach for -- I mean a glop of icky spaghetti clinging to the shirt.
He is a big kid and way, way, way too old to be wearing such flimsy shorts anywhere but to bed. It was driving me insane. A few months ago DH got all fired up to get the skids their own clothes at our house and I jumped for joy. Went out and got him some decent Dockers pants and button down shirts. It took him about 1/2 an hour to get used to wearing pants with zippers and no elastic in the waist band.
He looked like an actual different kid in our clothes. Now we get to send him to school from our house one day a week and every one there remarks about how great he looks in a decent outfit. And a clean one! We had actually gotten complaints from the school about his stained shirts but there was nothing we could do about it then.
Last week I grabbed the shirt he just took off from his mom's house and I started looking at the labels. I couldn't prove it, but I have the distinct impression it is actually a woman's shirt! I think she just grabbed something out of the laundry and it happened to be her own shirt. Who cares, it's just ss13, right? Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!
I am strangely comforted
I am strangely comforted knowing I am not the only one dealing with this crap. Dh didn't confront Bm about it and I wish he would. He told me he thinks that sd8 knew she didn't blend in with the other girls as her whole ensemble was a mess,yet he didn't say anything to Bm,he thought overall the day went great. What a fool! Poor sd is getting to an age where other kids will call her out on her unbrushed hair,ill fitting clothes,not being in dress code,etc. I feel bad for her,but have no real say in things!
This is so sad to me. On the
This is so sad to me. On the most important day of her life so far. My oldest wore a white (Of course!)tea length fine lace overlay dress, lace gloves, and white low heeled mary janes. Her hair was long, I tied back the two front sections in a white ribbon barrette. I got the dress and gloves dry cleaned and carefully put them away for youngest DD. She chose low heeled white shoes with small bows on them. Her hair is curly, she wore a bun surrounded by baby's breath. They both looked angelic. There was a kid who had his communion with DS, he didn't have the proper clothes on after they had drummed it into us for months, I felt SO BAD for that kid.
I know that feeling, only it
I know that feeling, only it is my own teenage son that is embarrassing. He lives with my ex, and my ex is overweight, doesn't keep up with personal hygiene, and this is what is role-modeled for my son. I tried to get his hair cut and his father said "No", I bought him new clothes and he won't wear them; he hides them in his room. He won't even wear the socks I got him! His socks are literally the tube of the tube sock and the top of the foot with no bottom. On top of that, no one is supposed to mention this to him or correct/help him because he is "special"- we should just let him walk around looking like he crawled out of a dumpster. He is getting confirmed next Sunday, and I almost didn't want to order pictures. I feel like a bad mom for saying this, but I honestly want better for my son, and I am embarrassed taking him in public.
My SD wore a communion dress
My SD wore a communion dress technically, it was long sleeve, high neck, completely plain, and kinda baggy and ill fitting. Vrs other girls who wore actual communion gowns, some simple but stunning, some more blinged out. She shoes were dress sandals, but open toed, worse with just straps that covered very little of the foot. Vrs the other girls were all closed toe. She had a French pedicure. There were fake tips on her toenails, French manicure style. Her feet are wide, fat, and huge. The hair is waist length, but just hung down, it was combed but no style, vrs the other girls had up do's or half up do's. Also some had hair accessories. The veil is supposed to cover all the hair. There was a dress code that was handed out. SD had a small poorly fitting veil that went to right around her shoulders. The other girls had up do's or half up do's but their veils were as long as necessary to cover all hair. The girls had little white clutch purses. SD had a hideous black large blinged out purse. It was an eyesore. The other girls had gloves. SD had none. It was so embarrassing. Worse, SD kept bragging about her hideous pedicure, bad because her shoes were just thin straps that showed her whole foot. That pedicure was disgusting. Who wants to see fake tips on an 8 year olds feet. And worse, her foot is huge, fat and very wide. And her hair hung there, very obvious no style at all. And worse, she did one of the readings at the altar. Drawing further attention to herself. I was so embarrassed. I get why her mother did that to her, after the divorce she started going to one of those Protestant mega churches. My H pushed for the communion. But on another level, it's still a public social event, why embarrass your child.
It doesn't sound like the kid
It doesn't sound like the kid was embarrassed at all.
I think it's funny that people are talking about how kids were dressed at a religious event. Shouldn't the focus be on what they were doing and not on how they looked?
I don't think God gives a rat's behind about which kid had on a pretty dress and a cute hair style.
It isn't about the dresses
It isn't about the dresses and such, but at an extremely important event you don't want your kid sticking out like a sore thumb. And at least Catholic ceremonies, are very formal and there IS a strict dress code, if you give a rats rear about your kid you won't make them that one child that didn't follow code. I know what you're saying Disney and I agree with you, I'm just giving you the other half of the picture.
I wasn't speaking to that
I wasn't speaking to that little girl, just Disney's post. As a Catholic, to me it isn't so much "God won't accept you" , as a beautiful religion seeped in tradition. We weren't very well off when my 1st had his FHC, another church member, a friend of mine, gave me a suit for my son to wear. All I had to worry about were shoes, shirt and tie. Point is, I took the time to make him look presentable.
I get it. I went to Catholic
I get it. I went to Catholic School for 6 years. ( we aren't Catholic). Back then, the girls had to bring in the dresses and shoes they were going to wear. If the items didn't pass the smell test, they we not allowed to wear them.
If the folks in charge allowed the kid to walk out in that outfit, then it must have been fine.
Doesn't look like either
Doesn't look like either Strengthh or OP actually verbally shamed or made fun of the skid misfits. Sounds more like they are venting that they can't help prevent the embarrassment the bios are causing the kid by not caring or paying attention to them. I don't really believe either of these SMs stood there pointing and making fun of the skid to their face in an effort to cause self esteem issues.
Again. I don't believe
Again. I don't believe either of these SMs in question actually verbally told the skid they were an embarrassment. It doesn't sound like any adult in this scenario told the kid they look worse than the other kids. Putting the kid down on this website is better than putting the kid down and f'ing with their self esteem in real life.
How about not putting minors
How about not putting minors down at all?
I agree it's silly. I wore my
I agree it's silly. I wore my mom's communion dress as did my aunts and my sisters. My nieces will wear the same dress in the next few years. Is it the latest fashion? No way! But it is a family heirloom and has the added advantage of being a cheap option }:) . Though to be honest most people won't remember what anyone wore.
I have you all beat. I got
I have you all beat. I got Perfectson25 a brand new suit (fits him like it's tailored) and 6 almost brand new dress shirts at a yard sale for SIX DOLLARS! He's a lawyer now he hardly needs his mommy buying him clothes lol, but these were a bargain I couldn't pass up. He and his wife were passing through this weekend, they both couldn't believe it! He was very thankful, esp. for the suit they are so expensive.
I know right? I had to PINCH
I know right? I had to PINCH myself!!
Honestly, I also cannot see
Honestly, I also cannot see the cause for embarrassment either. I would never carry a clutch purse and I'm the last person to give a shit about fashion & looks. I wear a black t-shirt and jeans every single day. I'm just saying I don't think anyone has actually verbally shamed the skids out loud. These are opinions the SMs keep to themselves and bite their tongues. At least I hope that's the case.
Well, I think I understand
Well, I think I understand onstrike, at least partially.
A couple of years ago we were (former SO and SS7 and myself)invited to a Christening (catholic). When we picked the kid up from BM's, he was wearing a torn t-shirt, the shortest beach (t-shirt fabric) shorts and flip-flops. The t-shirt was dirty.
BM has loads of money and every time the kid goes to the doctor or some place with her, she dresses him in shirt, flannel trousers and formal shoes; nevertheless, shoe chose to dress him like that on that specific day. Thank God I saw that coming and had a change of clothes for him in the car!
There was a written dress
There was a written dress code that stated no open toed shoes. She was the only one that violated that rule, and with full on strappy sandals. And a French pedicure. I mean toes with artificial tips. (An unwritten rule-a somewhat conservative church and artificial nails on an 8 year old)
The hair had to be fully covered by the veil, also written in the dress code. Her veil came to her shoulders, with waist length hair. The unwritten rule was girls get a hairstyle, a few of the girls just had simple but neat buns.
She had a huge black purse, vrs the other girls had little white clutch purses.
She stood out that day, in a negative way, in a group of about a hundred boys and girls. At the group picture at the altar, she is in the last row, but she sticks out as the only girl whose hair is not covered by a veil. If she had followed the actual written dress code, that would have not have happened.
Veils went with Vatican 2, as
Veils went with Vatican 2, as you say years ago. Even my cousin who is a nun doesn't wear one. (Lol, my family managed to get one religious child out of 15 cousins)
I'm going with Sally to hell.
I'm going with Sally to hell. My mani and pedi are both French.. hot pink tips. bahahahh
The actual written rules,
The actual written rules, veils must cover the hair. No open toed shoes. Dress must be knee length or longer. Dress must have sleeves, or if not, arms must be covered. Boys in suits or tuxes.
We got a whole handout of
We got a whole handout of rules and "suggestions" for communion.
Imma bow out because this is
Imma bow out because this is getting narly, but at each and every sacrament my 3 kids had in the Catholic church, there WAS a WRITTEN dress code. Which the nuns drummed into us parents at EVERY meeting. Edit: Catholic churches in PA and FL. Maybe things are different elsewhere.
So why didn't dad go out and
So why didn't dad go out and purchase the "right" items?
This is a big part of the
This is a big part of the reason I am only a holiday and special occasion catholic. The overall judgemental rigid attitude. The Catholic Church has gotten better, but it's still there. But for better or worse, communion has a lot in common with prom. The dress, the shopping, the emphasis on looks. My daughter was shopping along side brides and teenagers prom goers when it was her communion.
Communion requires two years of classes to prepare for communion, in the case of little kids. So I'm not sure if any child would be turned away for being out of dress code, knowing they prepared for 2 years, and knowing their family is most likely having a big party afterward, possibly at a catered hall. Another similarity to prom.
There is no rule at mass that
There is no rule at mass that the hair must be covered, and of course not even nuns cover their hair. There is no rule that women's shoes must be closed toe at mass, there is no rule that women must cover their arms at mass. Of course not. There is no rule that boys must wear suits and tuxes only to mass, there is no rule that girls and women's dresses must be knee length or longer at mass.
But yes, there were hand outs and all these things were all written rules for the kids making communion. I remember, I had to spend extra getting my daughter a little cover thing to go with her dress. And I had to spend extra on the longer veil cause she wanted a half up do, not s full up do.
I
maybe it's different in your
maybe it's different in your church, I can assure you there is no way around it, I called nearby parishes to see if their communion prep was any less stringent, it is a lot to go to school all week and catechism every Saturday, my parish does every other Saturday, but the kids go for double the time, also, my kids are going for confirmation. They start next year back at catechism,.and that is also 2 years. If this is not the case in your area, that is great. Again, we are getting ready to go every other Saturday on top of school all week. This is also a big hardship for kids who play sports, but there are minimum attendance requirements. Or you repeat the year and have to wait for next year to make communion.my son played baseball at the time, as did lots of other kids. It fell on deaf ears, trying to explain to the director about letting down the team. Nope, this is the minimum classes your kid has to attent, no exceptions, or you don't make communion.
I wish. My son had to miss
I wish. My son had to miss games multiple times. The director was very clear. And there was a written attendance policy. She said he would have to repeat the year and make communion a year later. Now was it an empty threat and could I have maybe talked to the priest and begged for an exception for my kid? Maybe but i didn't want to chance it. Having the catering hall rented months in advance and all. Lol.
Lol.
Lol.
Really???????? Ok. I'm
Really???????? Ok. I'm making the whole thing up, communion isn't a big dressy event followed by a big party.
The Catholic Church does not make communion prom like. The Catholic Church does not make weddings into elaborate parties either. ........but some how some how many many catholic marriage ceremonies are followed by big elaborate expensive parties, otherwise known as weddings.
So where is the line in the
So where is the line in the sand?
We have to celebrate every SKid and tell them they look lovely and fabulous, even if they are wearing something ill fitting, damaged, and potentially inappropriate?
Does that mean when someone's SD shows up wearing booty shorts and thigh high boots to a wedding or a funeral, SM is to gush over how LOVELY she is, or risk damaging her precious ego?
FFS.
Most of the girls had
Most of the girls had professional up do's or half up do's, if not professionally done, elaborate and time consuming. Not all, a small minority had simple buns.
Oh FFS. How about simply
Oh FFS. How about simply extending the same common courtesy to your skid that you would give to a fucking stranger - if you can't say anything nice then SAY NOTHING.
Why the hell does ANYONE have to be a catty witch about what someone else is wearing? Sure, if you're going somewhere with a dress code then you can tell the people you plan on bringing with you, "Hey, this place? They have a 'no jeans' rule. Just FYI." If they show up in ugly bermuda shorts then that's on them and you keep your trap shut.
In my situation,Bm
In my situation,Bm consistently under dresses sd for all occasions. She doesn't brush her hair,her clothes don't fit,and she looks like a ragdoll,so unkept. To me it looks like nobody cares about sd,and I feel sorry for her. It's almost as if Bm purposely does this. Bm dresses herself very nicely. Sd8 always looks like a mess. I have a problem with sd standing out like a sore thumb at a religious ceremony at an age where other kids notice this stuff. Bm puts no time or care into the details and it is sad because I feel this occasion should not have been another opportunity for bm to be controversial or display how little sd is cared for. Dh brought it up to me,but said NOTHING to Bm. I want to take over the clothes department but I have no real say!
This!
This!
Yes I get the pressure is too
Yes I get the pressure is too much in a way. I remember some of the moms with girls with short hair were stressing about how to do their hair. Should they try to do it themselves? Should they get hair pieces ? Would the hair style end up having a lot of pins?
And all the moms were stressing. You have to make your salon appointment well enough in advance, as it has to be done the morning of as it's an up do, I was stressing , ultimately I didn't have enough confidence in my styling skill to do the up do myself.
As I said a small minority did do simple buns.
EXACTLY! Sd already thinks
EXACTLY! Sd already thinks she doesn't have to play by the rules,both dh and bm have instilled a sense of entitlement in her that is difficult enough to try to change! One of her classmates already called her out at a dance for not being in dress code. Dh "felt sorry for sd",but he allowed her to not follow dress code for that event. Sd likes to call the shots and she will have to learn the hard way from her peers since dh and bm don't dress her properly. These parents are not poor,Bm was given the dress,(her neighbor) ,whose daughter wore it to a wedding. It was off white,too big,above the knees,the shoes were silver with iridescent sparkle rhinestones.It was not appropriate.
I am all for sparkle,but the
I am all for sparkle,but the occasion called for white closed toe shoes. I can see having one thing out of place,but the combo of the whole look was just hard to deny. The other parents there put in the.effort and care to make sure their daughters were appropriate for the occasion. I.feel sd was shortchanged
It wasn't just that they were
It wasn't just that they were open toed. They were strappy, very very strappy, most of the foot was exposed. It was a woman's shoe and it was dress, but it was sexy strappy. And a French pedicure with fake tips on strappy sexy shoes. It was all very over the top, in a semi conservative environment.
I understand the difficulty getting shoes. I went to countless stores for my daughters first communion shoes, and bought them a few months in advance. The director actually advised the parents to have the girls dresses and shoes bought at least 6 months in advance. I remember afterwards talking to some of the other moms and complaining that these are growing children. Yes we want to be prepared in advance, but you can't be too prepared as they may outgrow the dress and shoes.
I've looked at pictures from
I've looked at pictures from when I was young, been embarrassed, and thought, geez mom, couldn't you have tried a little harder to have me look as nice as some of the other girls!?
Sally,I am disgusted with Dh
Sally,I am disgusted with Dh too,not just Bm. He told me Bm was handling the dress and everything for this day. History has shown us both that sd8 will show up in inappropriate clothing as it is a constant issue. Dh does nothing about it. Bm shows up looking great,obviously knowing how to dress herself appropriately,yet sd8 looks unpolished and out of dress code,every time! I am mad at dh for accepting this crap,and I again have no voice in the matter
You are right Sally,I.don't
You are right Sally,I.don't have the power to change certain things,and this is one of.those times. I hope as sd gets older,she gets tired of being made fun of and called out by her peers for snubbing dress code,and chooses to respect the rules. I doubt she will ,given her upbringing.
We look nothing alike,so I hope no one assumes I am the asshole mother who allows this crap. I make sure that dh,bs10,and myself look appropriate. I brace myself for when we don't have sd with us and have to meet for occasions like this.
The church in general has
The church in general has come very very far from the original teachings of Jesus.
Onstrike, it is a symptom of entitlement and lack of discipline. In my case, my SD at 4 years old was choosing her own clothes. To the extreme. She would choose at 4 years old flip flops in winter with a foot of snow on the ground, and my H would carry her to and from places.this then escalated to choosing 2 and 3 inch heels at 8 years old since she was a women's size by then, full heavy make up, showing cleavage, which was actually her rolls of fat that she would squeeze together to make cleavage in tight low cut shirts. So in that context, of course neither BM or my H is gonna put limits on her regarding breaking written dress code rules at an important event like first communion. And it is about respect and learning how to conduct yourself and fitting in., things neither parent would ever do.
Strength,I Agree with you. It
Strength,I Agree with you. It is absolutely creating an entitlement and lack of discipline when our dh and Bms allow skids to go Rogue against dresscode. They then get carried around by foolish dh who cater and coddle them,making a disaster out of these kids. Skids are Not above the rules because they are cod. It's hard to watch,but I'm just letting it.go,the.chips will fall where they may,Dh and Bm can blame themselves when sd turns out to be an out of control teenager!