Emptying my thought process - Will we ever bond?
So, I had a meltdown weekend and I've ended up here...
- 14 year old me: had a huge crush on a boy at school and listed him in my diary "hot or not" list
- 18 year old me: proceeded to spend next 5 years in a psychologically abusive relationship with a narcisstic partner, 10 years older than me.
- 22 year old me: had an explosive, intense, 8 month whirlwind relationship with someone who I loved more than life itself, he had a 4 year old son.
- 24 year old me: re-kindled with my high school crush and fell completely in love
- 27 year old me: the current day, still with my high school crush, living together and hoping to get married in the next few years but exhausted at just the thought of taking on his son.
My partner has a 9 year old son with his ex - they were only 18 when they fell pregnant and it ended
It ended up being a very toxic relationship, they broke up during the early months of pregnancy and when it came to the birth, BM kept BF out of the loop, wouldn’t let him see baby and took around 6 months to warm up, before they “tried” to co-parent for a few weeks and failed again. Since SS was about 18 months, they have had an agreed arrangement where SS spends 3 days (every other weekend Friday-Sunday) with BF.
I didn’t meet SS for around 5 months, I was really nervous to meet him and didn’t want to cause any confusion in SS life until I knew that we were serious, moving forward.
We met, we got on and he was lovely but I had also found myself holding onto the relationship I’d had with my exes son. I don’t know if I just didn’t bond with now SS or if I was holding onto my ex’s son so much, I wouldn’t allow myself to open up to the “step parent trap” again?
Anyone else find it really, really hard to totally become vulnerable to open themselves up as a “parent” figure to their step children? Like – I often struggle with the concept that they could be taken away at absolutely moment, with no remaining rights or access to the child. That’s what hurt the most when my ex left.
I loved his child like my own, he was adorable, we spent so much time together when he dad was away (having an affair…we grow, we learn ).
Back to the point – finding it hard to bond with current SS.
- Could it be because he’s older?
- Could it be because he’s the second child I’ve had a SS experience with?
- Could it be because he doesn’t need me like my ex’s son did? Ex’s son was 4 years old so perhaps it boiled down to the fact that my current partners son is 9, (he was 6/7 when we met, so didn’t ‘need’ me, rely on me, he was independent in terms of being able to cut his own food and get himself dressed etc etc..)
- Could it be that I’m holding back because the heartbreak when my ex left?
- Could it just be a matter of fact that as humans, we don't gel and we won't gel?
- Could it be because I disagree so firmly with some of the things I hear about how his mother parents him?
I have no idea, and I don’t know if I ever will know. I go to private counselling for the last year for various topics and I think I kind of hoped I’d explore and understand what’s going on with SS in those sessions, but I am yet to come to any realisation as to what it is that’s holding me back. Could it literally just be that we don’t gel or bond?
Something holds me back or creeps me out – I feel so guilty, and I know I care about the kid but things like when his toenails haven’t been cut or he’s picking his nose or he says things sometimes, I honestly feel my patience surging with fury because I can’t stand it, makes my skin crawl. Why do I feel like that?
Since me and my partner BF have been together, I noticed something was not right with SS. It was a very hard topic to navigate to start with, but after a year I mentioned possible dyspraxia due to SS lack of ability to balance/walk and he walked everywhere on his tip toes, he also had bad coordination in terms of ability to use cutlery/write/grab etc. I have a cousin with dyspraxia, and I know it’s common in young boys so it seemed quite possible; BF acknowledged that his legs developed a little abnormally and that he walked on his tip toes a lot which restricted his ability with things like stairs, chairs, walking, running, sitting on the floor etc. but had been previously told by doctors that the issue wouldn’t be looked at until SS was around 10 years old (developed more).
Since then, some follow up doctors’ appointments unearthed a whole series of things which I think I will write about (just empty my brain onto here!) in more detail.
I guess the message of this one is, I struggle to bond with him, I don’t know how to do it.
I don’t know how to accept it, force it, acknowledge it or ignore it. Will it improve? Will it get worse? I have no idea..
Thank you for taking time to read my endless brain vent of words that may or may not make sense – just being a part of this forum as of a few days ago, has created such a sense of relief for me, to know that I’m not the only SM who is finding this hard.