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OT: DD15 update and just me learning about myself

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

So I'm not in steplife anymore so I can't really blog about it much anymore.  I'm very far removed from DD5's half sisters and North Korea.  I do read on here every day and post when I have some advice to give or to give advice.

I must say though that the lessons that I learned from dealing with BPD North Korea and step daughters through their teenage years are doing me some good now and I'm pulling from those life experiences to help me now.  Maybe it wasn't all a waste.

So here's my update and where I am now.  Hope it isn't too long.  Would love some feedback.

So I've never had any real troubles with any of my kids until now.  Oldest DD was always very well behaved, a good student, and kind and empathetic with lots of friends.  She's a 9th grader and has been giving me a run for my money here lately.  She started high school and met some new, troubled friends.  Her main one is Ash who used to be Ashley and has had some severe trauma in his/her life and has been diagnosed as having BPD, an eating disorder, gender dysmporhia, was hospitalized for a suicide attempt, and is a cutter.  Her second main one was Jess who also had severe childhood sexual trauma and abuse, also sees a therapist, also diagnosed with BPD.   My DD by all accounts has had a very lovely privelaged childhood and starts hanging out with these two kids and everything went to hell and a handbasket all over an eight week period.  First she said she was severely depressed and anxiety ridden and was having suicide ideation thoughts.  We took her to the doctor and she was prescribed prozac and we had an appointment for pyschiatry.  Then the next two weeks was one of "panic attacks."  When I think of panic attacks, I think of ambulance rides and heart tests because the hospital needs to see if you are really having a heart attack.  DD15's "panic attacks" are "mom come get me from school.  I'm having a panic attack" in a very calm voice.  Then the next two week period was one of "self harm."  She would point out a tiny scratch on her hand and said she needed gloves and tape because she was scratching her skin off her hand and she was oh so dramatic about the glove wearing and "BUY ME SOME TAPE!"  Then the next two week period she moved to ticks.  She would dramatically do these facial ticks and body twitching but never in front of her friends and crowds and would look like a crazy person.  She was also reading all kinds of pysch manuals and diagnostic books and her friends were endlessly discussing their therapy appointments and showing off their prozac. They loved to read off the check list for BPD.   I didn't know what to think about this but we finally got her a pyschiatry appointment and she had a two hour intake appointment.  My ex husband attended and spoke two minutes with the doctor and basically says DD15 has BPD and ADHD and panic disorder and epression and like four other major horrific disorders and my ex husband starts to cry and DD15 was gleefully happy about it all!  She was so excited to get a BPD diagnosis like her friends.

I say, "DD15 you don't have BPD.  North Korea has BPD and you have none of that.  You don't have a fear of abandonment.  You don't have rages and emotional outburts.  You have a strong sense of self."  etc. etc.    Pychiatrist also says, "I really am just here for meds.  You need to find her a therapist."  and gives me a list of DBT therapists for help with BPD. and then I couldn't find anyone in town whatsoever that would see a juvenile that would take mine or my ex husband's very good insurance.

During my many calls over a month to all the therapists my job says "Use  the employee assistance program pyschologist.  He will see your daughter!"  And he did and it's been wonderful!!!!!!!!!!!  He said she is just trying to fit in with her friends and to keep her busy and get her away from those friends without telling her I'm getting her away from those friends.  I didn't really need to because the friends really have BPD and of course did their rage overreaction I HATE YOU behavior and the friendships have recently ended. 

Sorry this is getting long but here is what I'm upset about now.  My aunt is bipolar and has BPD.  She is my mom's sister.  I've blogged about her instrustive, boundary stomping ways.  You may all recall when she showed up at my house last year with cell phones for my 4th and 5th grader that she just bought for 99 cents!!!!!!! and added lines to her cell phone plan under a contract that I was now supposed to pay for that I didn't want and didn't ask for and didn't have in my budget.  That's the kinda crap she does.  And when I said I didn't want it and to cancel and she couldn't because she signed a two year contract.  Then She lost her job and couldn't pay her cell phone bill cause of "my kids cell phones and plans" I had to pay a crap ton of money to cancel her own stupid cell phone contract at Christmas time instead of spoiling my kids.  I asserted myself and said her behavior was inapporpirate and wrong and uncalled for and to stop and next time I wouldn't pay to clean up her mistakes she tried to kill herself (it's like her 45th suicide attempt) and was in the hospital for a month.  I haven't seen her since then, fyi until last week.   But apparently she sees the same therapist.  I know this because when I was telling my mother the therapist's action plan she says, "Aunt BPD sees him.  He's very good.  Are you going to tell him your Aunt BPD's niece?  I think you should.  I also saw DD15's therapist.  He's going to see the whole family then!" I said, "NO!!!!!!  Absolutely not!!!!  I don't think DD15 has BPD.  I want him to see her for her.  I filled out the family history sheet and he knows and that's all I want to do. I don't want him to know at all that she's related to you or Aunt BPD.  Aunt BPD just showed up at my house at random last week and says Amazon sent her a bra for teenagers and thought DD would want it and I don't really want her in our lives after the cellphone stunt and many others like it and I don't want her in our business."

So a week goes by.  I'm at work this week on nights and I get a huge, long rambing fb messenger text from AUnt BPD.  "I just saw DD15's therapist for my own session and told him all about your DD15 and her issues and my opinion and her whole childhood and your divorce and blah blah blah.much love Aunt BPD" 

Well I go off on Aunt BPD.  I said, "I didn't tell you any of DD15's private business when you showed up at my house uninvited last week.  WHy is that?  Cause I didn't want you to know.  It's not your business. You had no right!  You just inserted yourself in DD's therapy without permission and I'm so angry and who told you all of her private business cause I didn't."

Well my mom did.  So then of course I go off on my mother.  My mother can't even apologize btw.  Her response is, "well I'm of the opinion he should know DD15 is related to Aunt BPD. and He's smart guy.  THis will help him."  and "well fine!  I'm just going to hang out with my puppies then and don't tell me anything anymore, ok?"

I just can't with these two.  I am still just so angry.  

My mother is one of those people who will take a million selfies of her in a hospital bed and post them for attention on facebook.  My brother and his wife are due with child number three and they won't tell my mom the baby's name  cause she'll post it on facebook and they don't want it on facebook.  When I had my breast cancer scare, I told my mom I didn't want my siblings to know because I didn't know yet if it was or wasn't cancer and I didn't want to unnecessarily worry.  What does she do?  She called them anyway.  And when I was in the hospital getting the just dead necrotic tissue removed cause that's all it was, she posted it on facebook without my permission.  She has serious issues with wanting attention.  and now it looks like DD15 has the same problem.  

I said, "Mother.  I should be able to go to my mom for advice and support on what I'm going through and say to you that I don't want anyone at all knowing and you respect my wishes.  You should apologize and own up to what you did and you can't even do that!"

She can't and days later she's trying to message me just random crap still pretending she did nothing wrong.    So I'm having to use the same techniques with North Korea but this time on my own mother, crazy aunt, and now DD.  




Monkeysee's picture

Yikes nowire, that’s a lot to deal with. Honestly it seems like your aunt & mum are a bigger problem than your daughter. I’m glad the friendships with the unbalanced teens have ended, I hope it stays that way & you can steer DD towards seeking positive attention instead of the negative attention from having a bogus diagnosis.

Your mum & aunt are another story though. You’re wise to cut off/limit contact with your aunt. I know your mum is your mum & you want to be able to talk to her for support, but she clearly isn’t going to be that for you. You need to find a new network as she’s obviously not going to honour your requests & act in her own selfish interests instead. It will also be good for your DD15 to stay away from the pair of them as she’ll see what they’re doing & it’ll slow down any progress she’s making.

I have to admit I find it quite concerning how kids seem to get a thrill out of having a diagnosis, and also how willingly professionals seem to be handing them out. I’m appalled the psychiatrist diagnosed her with BPD, I’d be looking for a second opinion if you’re going down that route. 

I think mental health is incredibly important, but I also think today’s kids need to understand how to take care of themselves without abusing mental health care or looking for things that are wrong with them because they think it’s fun or it’ll get them attention. Mental health isn’t a game.

Anyways that’s my little rant. I hope you’re able to establish firm boundaries with your family & your DD15 finds more positive social networks to model herself after. 

advice.only2's picture

I really hope the therapist being a good therapist and one who actually follows the laws says nothing about the information your Aunt gave him! I'm sorry she did that and that your mother enabled it.

As for your daughter, I really understand and empathize. My BD is 14 and in 8th grade and she went from being this sweet outgoing girl to this brooding mess who tells me she's bi and trans and that we don't understand her lifestyle. It's so frustrating to watch them do this especially when you know it's only for the attention and to fit in with their peers. My BD could have cared less about gender neutrality and being bi until she started hanging around with this group of girls who all decided that they wanted to be boys and are all bi and in relationships with one another. We have limited her interaction with them outside of school and encourage her in her after school activities, but it's frustrating.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

What she's saying. Kids that age want desprately to fit in or be "cool."  It could be a chang ein personality, but it's also possible she's just tyring to fit in and it's a phase.  Keep her in counseling obviously, that's going to help her.

She's just in that awkward "trying to figure it all out." Stage :)  She needs to learn herself and decide how she wants to be going forward.

ITB2012's picture

First, I agree with the others to go no/low contact with mom and aunt. Only way to stay sane and private.

Second, if your DD knows these women well enough to have seen all that behavior then a frank discussion about their attention seeking behavior and mental issues is due with her. Then a frank discussion with her that you know high school is hard and that makes kids a big nuts, however, you are also worried she's starting to act more like those two people and life is going to be so much harder for her if she continues that way. She may be surprised you think she's going that way, she may not see it. And noticing it in others may be helpful for her.