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Update to Tonsils

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

So after DH and I spoke and then I spoke to my mom, DH sent a message to BM. He requested a second opinion, medical documentation which shows tonsil/throat issues for an extended period of time, stating the guidelines that are published by reliable medical sources and the american pediatric journals, stating the negative reviews of the doctor especially specifically related to tonsil removal surgery, and saying that at this time he does not agree to surgery without further evidence that this is in the best interest of SD especially during COVID. Also asking if she has had a further allergy test performed since we have never seen it in our home perhaps SD is allergic to something in her house making her tonsils swollen.


BM responded a lot and a bit of back and forth went on, see below for highlights regarding DH's requests, all in response to asking for documentation showing it has been an issue for 3 years like she said when BM has never mentioned, shown any documentation prior to, or any of the doctors DH has taken SD to in this time has shown any of this to be an issue prior to July 2021.

-"There is no reason for her to continue having issues. The tonsils have been issues for some time. She is actually at a good age as she isn't 3 and now 5."

-"This is something I advocated for and will stand my ground on. A secondary referral is fine. But won't change the fact that her breathing is affected."

-"You standing in her way of having a better life is absolutely ridiculous. I already agreed for a secondary referral. But will follow the doctors recommendations for the betterment of SD."

-"It will be difficult with school and work to find time to keep getting other referrals. So please be considerate of my time."

THEN when DH asked "so you are telling me that you are not following the court order and consulting me to make a joint medical decision, correct?

"I am saying I will not put her health in jeopardy that is what I am stating." 

-"If she can sleep and eat better that to me is more important" 

-"I do not understand why your making things difficult. "

-"You can disagree but if I need to pursue a legal permission I will get it. Because I'm with her more than you to know what is going on with her."

-"as to the comfort and quality of life I will not argue with you."

-"I just find it odd that everyone else saw it and was shocked but you say she is fine."

-"I've been dealing with time constraints and other personal issues with my other child. So I may have forgotten to forward paperwork."

AND finally when DH reiterated "I will not argue or message anymore on the topic. I will await the medical documentation from you documenting the issue prior to July 2021 and I will await for the information and results of the second opinion. Then after all information is received, I will make an educated decision on what is in SD's best interest. I am not saying indefinitely no. What I am saying is I need a second opinion and need the paperwork that documents this being an ongoing issue, proving that this will be the most beneficial for SD and until provided with such my answer is no."

"if you cared so much about a pandemic she would never have been on that plane. It's interesting to me you suddenly care and what to make choices about something that you know litterly nothing about."

^she responded with more followed by a second message too.


Again if this is in SD"s best interest then all for it, but DH is not going to willy nilly say yes to a surgery even though BM did not even try to consult him on it, when it has only been 6 weeks of hearing about this for the first time. DH has every right to be concerned and BM is acting like he is saying no to a heart transplant. Plus yet again, two years after she took DH's rights away to her other child she has to throw in information about her other child to snub DH. 

My favorite is DH said "everyone has personal shit they are dealing with that takes time, it is called life, so it is not my problem you did not do your job as primary parent and upload documentation that shows there is a medical issue with SD."


Needless to say DH is calling the ENT and her other two doctors in the am to get documentation/speak to them about SD because BM is not the most reliable source. 






JRI's picture

I have serious eye issues and see a specialist at the top hospital in our city.  Last year, when I was making my follow-up appointment, he extended the time span and said, "I don't want you in a hospital setting any sooner than absolutely necessary".  And that was even before the pandemic got worse.

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Based on the reviews of this doctor I think he just wants the money honestly!

what a low blow trying to say DH doesn't care about SD and covid because he flew SD out to see him for his visitation time. Basically BM doesn't like that DH called out all her times of not sharing info etc so she tried everything she could to make dh look bad 

nengooseus's picture

We certainly have...  DH also has joint legal.  He has always had "shared" parenting time, as well, but it's never seemed to matter to any medical provider.  BM has alwyas just done what she wanted and mayeb let DH know.  Right now, it's that she had SS11 (almost 12) admitted to a mental health facility because he was "suicidal."  Turns out he wasn't suicidal at all, just *really* frustrated with BM and all the crap she puts him through--which is according to his counselors, not DH.

As far as the tonsils and adenoids go, my DD (now 15) did have to have hers removed when she was about 4.  She met all the criteria, including I think 7 cases of strep throat in 6 months.  That was the only way our insurance would approve her for the surgery, so that may be a factor for you, depending on how rigorous your insurer is.  

HCBM was able to get SS16's adenoids removed when he was little without meeting any threshholds, however.  That's a much easier surgery than the tonsils, with no recovery time.

The recovery from the tonsillectomy is awful, even for littles.  If kiddo is with BM, she will suffer plenty with the recovery.  With DD, she ate posicles the first day, and then didn't eat again for about a week.  Keeping her hydrated was SOOO hard.  And the breath!  OMG, her breath was awful during her recovery.  For her, the surgery was transformative.  She went from constant strrp and sickness to healthy as a horse.  No more ear infections after the adenoid removal, either.

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

the insurance may not approve the surgery because of not meeting criteria. 

Well that is what BM said after DH stopped repsonding that it is a better surgery than it used to be and she will get popsicles and ice cream to make her feel better.... like oh you're right popsicles and ice cream make it all better. 

That is awesome! So far BM has not said or proved SD has had any infections other than the one we know of 2 years ago. BM is saying SD needs the surgery because her tonsils are swollen, red, sore throat, trouble eating and sleeping, coughing, and snoring not every day or all the time, but enough that she suffers. We woke up this morning to 3 messages from BM saying how last night SD refused to eat last night and woke a few times complaining about her throat. How BM will document daily with pictures, etc. 

It is just so bizarre that if all of this is happening at BMs with no dramatics added and then in 3 years we have had none of these problems. BM admitted this morning no further allergy testing has been done besides the dairy, nut, and seafood one so I still believe that she could be allergic to something at BMs although yesterday she claims they did testing to rule out her home.

nengooseus's picture

SS11 is "asthmatic," but has literally never wheezed here, and his allergy testing was completely inconclusive, but he's still prescribed *5* daily medications for it.  But that's not even the best...  When SS was ~1, BM decided that he was allergic to peanut butter.  She told the doctor all about a rash he had, so they diagnosed it.  We requested a test when he was 4 or 5.  DH was an idiot and didn't attend, and sure enough, it was affirmed.  But here's the thing...  When they do a skin allergy test, there's always a control, which everyone reacts to (which is the point).  We're 99% sure that BM fudged it so that he would react as allergic to peanut. They didn't provide anything other than a note that said he was allergic...

DH requested that he be restested when he was ~7.  The clinic required that he pass the skin test, a blood test and an actual challenge in their office.  He passed the first two with flying colors--no reaction whatsoever.  Then, she fought DH tooth and nail about scheduling the in-office challenge because it was "life threatening."  Our attorney had to threaten legal action to get it scheduled, and sure enough, there was no issue whatsoever.

She also has really wanted him diagnosed with ADHD, so we've done *multiple* full psych evals.  The most recent (late 2019), she got the result that she wanted (after telling the evaluator lies).  Since then, it's been a battle over medication.  The diagnosis was mild ADHD, but the first approach is to medicate, which DH thinks is ridiculous.  She had SS committed to a mental health facilty this summer for being suicidal (which even the center said he wasn't) and the meds were forced.  Surprise!  They're not helping him.  One plus side there is that the counseling staff sees that BM is the problem, and so does SS.

Prepare yourself that this may be just the beginning of bad behavior, and your DH will constantly have to be in antagonist mode.  It's hard when they're little, but it does get a little easier when they get bigger.

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

I have been asthmatic my whole life. I have been hospitalized because of it, had sleep studies when a baby because it was so bad, etc. I have been on many many medications for it and every year if I don't take my daily meds, I have at least one bad flare up that I am on the brink of being hospitalized again or have been. Steroids for children especially ones that don't need them is not good for their body! Ugh, I get so bad that I get prescribed really strong steroids that I always plead with the doctor not to give me because they make me not be able to sleep a wink. I have found that if I take all the pills I need in a day before 6 am, I can sleep at night, but even that a doctor does not like telling me to do as an adult because steroids take a toll on one's body. 

DH is the type that does not take meds unless it is absolutely necessary. I am not as against it as DH, but I also am not for taking meds because you might need it. Hence why it took me so long as an adult to realize that even if my daily inhaler is not needed this week or this month, in the long run if I don't take it just when I need it, my asthma is much better managed. BM on the other hand has had a pill popping problem and is much more on the other side of the fence about it.

Yeah sounds like your situation on all this medical stuff will become ours. I am not looking forward to it at all

justmakingthebest's picture

I always agree with getting a second opinion before putting a child under anesthesia, but having tonsils out is not a big deal overall and let me tell you- I WISH I could get mine out. So does DH. We both get tonsil stones (super gross), constant ear infections and as a kid I got strep 4-5 times a year. They changed the recommendations right as I was about to have mine out to having to get strep 10+ so my parents insurance wouldn't cover it. 

My boss's wife just had hers out a couple of weeks ago. I am super jealous! 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

on insurance now from another user and my mom also said her brother had to jump through hoops to get it approved and he has struggled his whole life.

Our issue is SD has not had any infections except a throat one 2 years ago UNLESS BM has not shared the info of this in the last year. Her basis of why they should be removed is about snoring, sleeping, coughing, swollen, red, etc. It is so strange we have none of those issues here so I think what my mom suggested is highly likely that SD is having a reaction to something in BMs home. BM tried to play it off that SD has been tested for all that to get her house ruled out, but when asked a second time if she got a more extensive allergy test then nuts, seafood, and dairy, SD has not been tested further at all.

Winterglow's picture

Is there a climate difference (humid, dry) between where you live and where her mother lives? Dietary differences? Vegetation differences?

One of my daughters suffered from runny noses, ear infections, sore throats, and so on. She had 3 different sets of tubes put in. Her ENT finally suggested that we have her adenoids and tonsils removed. In the hope that it would improve her quality of life, we had it done. Things got a bit better. At least the ear infections stopped. Then one day, she was tested for celiac and it came back positive. A few months after going gluten-free, all of her problems vanished (not to mention a very rapid growth in height). I am not saying that this could be the cause of your SD's symptoms, only that there might be other causes (henc the question about vegetation - she could be allergic to plants that are native to her mother's state but are rare in yours). 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

we lived in the same state as BM, 15 minutes up the road from her actually so if this is a 3 year problem like BM is saying it is not the state. My mom mentioned maybe SD is allergic to something in BMs home, a pet, mold, etc. so DH asked BM twice if SD got the more extensive allergy test yet that BM said she was going to get. At first BM said SD had been tested to rule BMs home out as the issue, but when reasked BM admitted that no SD has not been tested beyond seafood, dairy, and nuts. So SD very well could be having an allergic reaction to something in BMs home since we NEVER have seen or heard of any of these symptoms in 3 years 

thinkthrice's picture

It wasn't super horrible, but it wasn't pleasant.  It did clear up a lot of issues as my right tonsil was particularly bad but I did lose my sense of taste/smell for almost a year and continue to have to "relearn" swallowing (I choke very easily now).  I still have sinus issues to this day but not nearly as bad.

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Big reasons why we don't want SD to get an unnecessary surgery. SD hasn't had sinus issues, strep, tonsil infections, ear infections, etc. except one throat infection 2 years ago. I don't understand why it is so hard or difficult for BM to provide medical documentation backing up this issue if it has been as big of an issue as she is claiming now 3 years later. Meanwhile BM calls DH difficult because he isn't jumping up and automatically agreeing that SD needs surgery. I am sorry DH cares enough about SD that he wants to rule out all other possibilities first and since he wasn't informed of this issue until 6 weeks ago and none of the doctors DH has taken SD to in this time frame has ever brought up any concerns that he wants more information first.

Survivingstephell's picture

I replied on your other thread but wanted to add that dust mite allergy might be in play here. I have it and humidity over 50% and a dusty house full of carpet  would aggravate her breathing.  I get tired from breathing if aggravated.   For what it's worth.  

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

insight or advice is helpful! We get that tonsil surgery is not the most invasive, but still jumping to surgery without making sure that is what is going to help SD the best is crazy. Plus the adenoids play a huge part in fighting off infections so if those do not need to come out be better to leave them in! 

As I mentioned to another user on the other blog, BM has mentioned concerns about skin rashes, etc. which to me also point to an allergic reaction. I don't see how in 3 years we have heard no complaints from SD nor witnessed any of these symptoms, only difference is being at BMs home versus our home. BM is not the cleaniest person, part of me wonders if she doesn't bath her large dog that they take on hikes often enough and the dog is bringing something inside her home that SD is allergic to. I don't know. We have dogs too, but we keep up with their bathing especially following an activity that the dogs may be really dirty or bringing stuff inside the home.

Winterglow's picture

And she might just have eczema... 

Just remember that all of her symptoms could be completely unrelated - there could be several causes. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

It just is odd to us how we don't have these issues when SD is in our care. At most, last winter we had to buy natural children's cough syrup because she was coughing at night when we went up to see my parents for Thanksgiving and that cleared it all right up. 

advice.only2's picture

I think your DH speaking directly with the doctor will give him a better perspective and of course any good doctor will expect you to get a second opinion.   SD might legtimately need the surgery, or she might not, most doctors now a days are less inclined to remove tonsils just becase the parents want them too.   That doesn't mean that BM couldn't be doctor shopping to find a doctor to get the answers she wants.  Reality is she will probably go through with the surgery despite DH's protests to the matter.

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

BM told DH she switched SD's doctor because they were not taking her concerns seriously. This new doctor that SD has seen once (July 2021) is the one who recommended SD to the ENT. DH is going to be contacting all 3 and requesting medical documents too since either BM failed to upload them to DH or SD has no documentation other than these last two appointments of any concerns or issues. 

DH thinks 100% that is what she is going to do and then he is on the fence on how to handle it. Half of him wants to file contempt on BM even though he knows at most BM will get a slap on the wrist, but at least starts a documented trail of BM not communicating, sharing info, or following the CO since they have joint legal custody.