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Update: SD and tonsils

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

So this morning DH gave BM his go ahead on getting SD's tonsils removed since BM followed up on the issue this morning along with saying how SD was sent home today by the school nurse and will be missing tomorrow as well which is actually picture day. Not sure why the nurse is saying SD has to miss tomorrow unless SD had a fever, but whatever DH and I already had agreed after everything to give the approval for the tonsil removal surgery.

DH did not just blindly agree, we have 3 requests from BM in order for DH to give his approval

1. For the surgery to not be scheduled for SD's winter break or right before winter break where it would impact DH's visitation time with SD.

2. That BM does not withhold any information, use the excuse she is too busy, and passes the information along to DH as soon as she receives it. That DH knows ahead the details of the surgery, is kept in the loop before, during, and after the surgery as well as SD's recovery. Promptly and not delayed. DH cannot be chasing down BM and doctors’ offices trying to get information on SD's surgery.

3. That the surgeon be a reputable doctor since the first ENT specialist has horrible reviews specifically about tonsil removal surgery.


All these requests were because BM has been withholding information, delaying relaying information, giving false information, and making DH chase around to get medical information about SD. Also, we worried that BM might try and schedule the surgery during SD's winter break so BM did not have to send SD for DH's visitation time. 

BM agreed to all of these items. THEN her response after agreeing is: 

"She would miss a week of school so I need to talk to her teacher to see what would be best. Probably after holidays."


Soooooooooooooooooo you have been fighting for SD to have this surgery, but now you want to wait 2-3 months to schedule it? Now there might not be availability until then so that makes sense, but now DH and I are slightly worried that BM is going to try and use SD's sickly or something as an excuse not to put SD on the plane to us in December. Could be worried for no reason, but once reading that, that was our automatic thought. Unforunately, this thought process cannot be helped after the history of conflict with BM.

Not only the concern about DH's visitation, but if SD keeps up with the rate of absences and an extra week out of school on top of this, SD's education issues are not going to get any better. Just counting what she has missed, plus tomorrow, and if she misses a week after surgery, that will be 10 days missed already.... Majority of SD's report card is "performs below standards," with a few "meets standards," and not one single exceeds standards. Plus it is all "with much teacher support." So not looking good for SD.

Side note, BM specifically said she would upload/share SD's report card as soon as she got it aka last Friday. Did BM do this? Of course not, luckily through the one school app we were able to get it and uploaded it to the CO app for all to see. DH did not say a word of it to BM, she gets notified that this was uploaded, which is enough to show more info being withheld. No drama followed though because DH did not call her out because there is literally no point and might look like DH is just trying to create drama.


CastleJJ's picture

I wouldn't panic just yet. Your DH outlined to BM that he will only allow the surgery as long as it does not interfere with visitation and BM agreed in writing, so don't automatically assume that she will use this to try to prevent your visitation. She may be trying to wait until after holiday breaks, since it is the start of a new semester and to prevent SD from missing school between Thanksgiving and Christmas, since there aren't many weeks in between. Your DH has built a strong case against BM if she does try to withhold the visitation, so it wouldn't be in BM's best interest. 

I know it is hard to not panic when communicating with HCBMs. I know that even I tend to "read between the lines" and panic about what BM may be plotting. This message may mean nothing or it may mean something, but only time will tell. Just take everything day by day and see how it plays out. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

I wish there wasn't the automatic response of trying to read between the lines, but it can't be helped. I really hope that it is just so SD does not miss more school during this quarter, but I guess we will have to wait and see! Especially when SD needs all the help in school she can get right now!

CastleJJ's picture

All you and DH can do is monitor the situation, pay attention to the red flags, and handle it accordingly. Your DH has kept BM on a very tight leash, so it will be easier for DH to assert his role as joint parent and decision maker and challenge/shut down any shenanigans promptly. 

BethAnne's picture

We have the plane fear everytime SD is due to come back. It won't go away. There is nothing you can do but cross your fingers, assume the best and have a plan if the worst happens. 

This year, was the first time that we got close to a missed visit/stay (that I remember). SD missed her original flight back here. BM was late getting to the airport, the airline called my husband (as he books/pays for the tickets) and when he called she wasn't even at the airport yet. BM threw a fit because things weren't going her way. My husband arranged for a new flight the next day and for SD to stay overnight with his relatives who live near the airport. At first BM said that was not going to happen, she was going to take SD home. My husband apparently had to get stern with her and point out some truths to get her to realize that taking SD to the realtive's house was the best move. This whole drama of course put SD in the worst mood when she arrived with multiple blow ups the first week or two she was here. Luckily things have settled down now. Transitions are hard. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Going to be for us for a while. Every time SD is supposed to come to us that we are going to worry if she is going to make it or not. It's not a fun game! 

tog redux's picture

Yes, it's hard not to second guess or think the worst of everything a high conflict BM says and does. (That applies to everyone who lies a lot, we now do that with SS21 - nothing is believed unless we have proof). 

Just have to wait and see and try not to let it get to you.  If she says it's only possible over Christmas break, then insist on Spring Break for make-up time. 

I would have DH stop trying to prove BM is withholding information if he has access to it. Now that he has the school app it really isn't her responsibility to make sure he has school info, and him uploading her report card proves that she didn't need to provide it to him.  Put yourself in her shoes - would your priority be uploading a report card for an ex who you are in conflict with, who can get it on his own? 

The court is likely to agree with her - if he can get info on his own, she's not at fault if he doesn't. Him trying to subtly call her out in that way won't look good for him. It'll look like he's playing "gotcha" instead of focusing on SD. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

DH said if it ends up her trying to do Christmas Break then we would insist on making up the time with additional time during summer break. We already get her for spring break so that wouldn't work. Hopefully it doesn't come to that but we will have to wait and see

justmakingthebest's picture

Do you guys get all of winter break or just 1/2 of it?

There are other 3 days weekends throughout the school year and if BM plans properly SD can get away with just missing 1-2 days vs. a whole week. 


NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Break every other year. I agree she could do like Presidents' Day weekend or something instead