You are here

Surprise, Surprise - NOT

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

So DH called the doctor SD saw yesterday and guess what? DH is not listed anywhere on SD's information for not only the ENT specialist, but SD's peditrician either. We were wondering why BM put SD on BM's insurance when DH is supposed to have SD under his. At first we thought to make it easier when she takes SD or her other child to the doctor that they can go to the same doctor rather than finding a doctor in DH's network for SD. However, now I think it is so BM can get away with not listing DH on any of SD's paperwork and it is all under her control. 

Well guess what BM, DH sent over the CO to all the offices and now will be listed and be able to access SD's medical files. Lists in the CO that the files need to be accesible by both parents, but you know BM didn't even read the CO and does whatever she wants. DH also made it clear when sending the CO over that him and BM have joint legal custody and BM does not have sole medical decision making. Waiting for them to update on their end and then the doctor is to call DH back to discuss SD's tonsils with the doctor himself.


tog redux's picture

Just so you are aware - for the provider, "joint custody" doesn't mean both parents must agree, it means EITHER parent CAN decide. It's not the doctor's obligation to get agreement from both parents before he/she does a procedure.  The agreement to make decisions together is between BM and DH, not a legal obligation on the part of the doctor.

Some doctors will refuse to see parents who fight over medical treatment and pull them in the middle, one parent giving permission for it and the other one retracting that permission. If DH feels BM is not following the CO, he should take her back to court rather than try to stop care at the doctor's office.

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

is because BM wants SD to get her tonsils removed and at this time DH does not agree to the surgery because he has not been provided with enough information for him to agree that it is in the best interest of SD so he wanted the office to know that

If when the doctor calls back DH finds out BM scheduled SD for surgery anyway, DH will be contacting a lawyer, but we are hoping it does not come down to that.

Thank you for the information though

tog redux's picture

I understand. But they can go ahead and remove her tonsils anyway based on BM's right to make those decisions with joint custody. 

In general, just plan on having to get information directly from schools and doctors, and don't count on BM to keep him in the loop. But do pick your battles, don't fight over every little decision that has to be made.  

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

but if she did that and DH did not agree, DH can drag BM to court for not abiding by the CO. 

That is what DH is planning on doing. He could not for yesterday's appointment because she did not share who SD saw or at what office, etc. until DH asked her. Definitely on the picking the battles, but surgery for a 5 year old and making sure it is necessary is definitely a battle to pick

justmakingthebest's picture

This is the stuff that used to make me FURIOUS when BM would pull these power play moves. 

I am glad that you at least know who the doctor is, just be prepared for that to be the next thing she does. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

BM tries to play that DH does not communicate and DH makes things hard and she whines about why can't they co-parent, etc.

Meanwhile all the things she complains about is BM's doing. BM does not share information, medical or educational unless asked over and over again or DH has to reach out to the third party to get it himself, BM does not put DH's info down for SD on anything so DH has to jump through hoops, and co-parenting is not letting the other parent dictate everything with DH just saying okay. 


thinkthrice's picture

HCGUBM is difficult, purposely withholds info, etc etc. but points the finger of blame at biodad

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Totally what is happening

CastleJJ's picture

For HCBMs, that is exactly what coparenting means. These BMs always say that DHs are "difficult to coparent with" or are "abusive/aggressive" only because these DHs will not let HCBMs dictate everything. These DHs are actually trying to coparent, in the true sense of the word. These BMs want DHs to just roll over and say "sounds good." 

Our BM always provided minimal information to DH, sending vague emails with no context or useful information, then when DH didn't know things, BM would claim that he doesn't pay attention or isn't involved. It was always a crazy game of cat and mouse to get information. DH doesnt have joint legal though, so it made it harder to access information through whatever third party. Then when we did obtain the information through a 3rd party, BM would claim it violated her sole custody. 

BM also sends these long drawn out emails with no point - they are basically just rants and justifications about whatever and then BM claims DH is a poor communicator or confusing. For example, BM sent DH a 5 paragraph email about summer visitation, stating that SS had a try out for sports that fell during DH's parenting time. So instead of doing the simple thing and just offering DH to shift the parenting time schedule a bit, BM wanted DH to either drive SS 8 hours round-trip to attend the tryout or give SS back to BM after 3 days of visitation so he could attend the tryout, BM then keeping SS the remaining week and a half, and DH getting makeup time at some undisclosed time in the year. The actual request of the email was only three sentences, but the filler and extra unrelated crap took up the remaining paragraphs. DH responded in 2 sentences that he would take SS to/from the tryout if BM did transportation at the beginning and end of visitation or they could shift the parenting schedule around to accomodate both. BM emailed back five more paragraphs about nothing, claiming that DH is a poor communicator and that she was confused. It took five more emails to get the exact same result that DH had emailed back with initially. DH literally had to walk BM step by step through the process until the light bulb came on and she got the point, then she claimed that DH "should have just said so" and not been so confusing. 

I swear our BM always comes up with crazy, jump through hoop plans to accomodate her demands instead of looking at a simple solution, and the funny thing is, it makes it harder on not only DH, but her too. Even if you dumb the communication down to one sentence, BM finds it confusing and complicated, yet we are just supposed to understand her pages and pages of rambling. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

is a real peach isn't she? I am not envious of your situation with BM that is for sure. That is all just totally ridiculous. 

OMG the part about Dh should of just said so, happens in our situation too! Like HE DID! 

It is just classic behavior of it is NEVER BM's fault or BM NEVER does any wrong, it is all biodad, each and every time.

CastleJJ's picture

That's narcissism at its finest. BMs are never wrong and  never at fault. It's all Dad's fault always. 

WwCorgi7's picture

Dad's have every right to know what is going on with his kid's health. I handle most of the medical stuff with our children because DH works but I always keep him filled in and consult him. I think its cruel just to hide and be secretive about something as big as medical issues/decisions.

We had the same issue with ours. She would take SD to doctors and keep all her medical stuff secret. My husband had to wait months for the insurance summary to find the doctor and contact them. Once he did SD was moved from their care. A lot of sketchy stuff was going on. SD had UTI's every other month and warts all over her hands. BM secretly took SD to some witch doctor out of state that cut them all off after soaking her hands in "healing aloe acid". She always got away with it. She even tried to fake medical expenses to get money from DH.

A cold or a quick visit to urgent care? Not a big deal or worth fighting over. Decent parents would probably just mention it. Yearly check ups? Not a big deal. Surgery? Big deal. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

And BM just wants DH to take her word for everything and agree to surgery because it is what she thinks is best. Sorry BM want all the facts FIRST and then can discuss it, but it is too much to ask apparently.

halo1998's picture

provider (Beaver won't carry insurance for the kids so he got the providers that way) and we get the low down. He would also make sure all providers had his information and would send email reminders of appointments, etc.

After a few years of NEVER getting away with..Beaver gave up.  Now DH does all dentist/doctor..whatever appointments.

The dentist was happy when DH took over....her receptionist told DH ...thank god...Beaver is a BI0TCH and worthless.  

They want to be seen as a parent...they just don't want to actually parent. So they use professionals to say...aww look what a good parent they are.

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

theory is spot on that they want to be looked at as a parent and not only that a good parent, but they do not want to put the work in and be an actual parent.

After calling BM out on not sharing medical information guess who now has uploaded medical files from the last 3 appointments after being called out for withholding them? Yep, BM. Who also outted herself that she had the allergy test results for 3 weeks before sharing the info on the results AFTER we asked her for them.