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Steplife topic - Out of state visitation - plane tickets

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Okay so on to an actual steplife topic. For those of you who have or have had out of state visitation with their skids, how soon or how late do you notify BM or the bio parent of the travel information. On Wednesday we sent out our change of address notice to BM so it went out 5 weeks and a few days before our lease starts. Now we sent BM the dates for summer we selected prior to April 1 also as is outlined in the CO. What is not outlined in the CO is when we have to notify BM of the exact travel plans for SD. As I am waiting still on the contract from my boss which I will be getting mid next week and we are not yet in WA, we have been waiting to book the flights for DH and SD to get her to and from us for the summer. In the CO we cover the transportation costs 100% so it is not like we need any communication with BM on booking. We will be flying SD out of the airport closest to BM and back to this same airport. I was thinking as long as notify her 30 days prior there shouldn't be the ability to cause any issues on the times/flight info for SD, but I am not sure how others with out of state visitation either do it or is outlined in their CO.

Comments

justmakingthebest's picture

What we always do- with both my ex and BM- when we are getting ready to buy, find the tickets we want, send screenshots for time and location approval. We used to give her days, now we give her a few hours.  

We try and be courteous with BM but it doesn't matter. I always appreciated that my exH would ask me about times or days of the week. There are 3 relatively close airports near me so there would be some back and forth based on ticket prices and travel days and times to make it work for all of us. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

At least for this summer, we cannot go off of what is convenient for BM, more on what works for us and is more affordable. DH can't take time off when starting a new job and for all the money we have had to/have to put out for the move, we need to go with what suits us back. Perhaps for Christmas break we can be more accomodating, but realistically we don't have the ability to be.

justmakingthebest's picture

It's really +/- a day or so on either end. Times are a bigger deal if it is a work day for me, the earlier the better. Maybe don't offer much when it comes to the date but if tickets are the same price leave at 6 am or 9am, give her the option. It doesn't really mean much for you but it shows you are trying to work with her. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

on a work day, DH will be flying in and flying out on the weekend since he cannot take off during the work week. There aren't really many time options from OR to VA from the airport near her, but I see what you are saying if the day is the same and there are time options that don't interfere with price or anything that works with us, when it is a here nor there issue for us, why not just ask to make it seem like she has say. I could see doing that if that occasion arises, but I don't think it is even going to come up because it is pretty limited, but if it does then we will be accomodating on that.

ESMOD's picture

If you have given her the dates and her travel will occur on those dates... I don't think you need to give her the actual flight information until closer to the actual travel date.  

I'm not sure of SD's age.. but would it be possibility that you could put a plan in place to get her to the airport if BM couldn't take her at a specific time?

If you wanted to be super accomodating.. he could ask her what time of day would be best for her to take SD to the airport and pick her up.. but you would still be subject to flight availability and certain times could be cheaper and you should be able to pick an early AM flight if that works best for everyone.

30 days seems like plenty of time... as long as you aren't planning on having a DATE change.. she should at this point understand that it could be "any time" during those days.

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

SD is 4 going on 5 in July. I don't really think there is a plan we can put in place ahead of time unless DH rents a car to go pick her up himself, but we only have friends close enough in the area to help and don't want to ask them to deal with BM especially when she is not very reliable.

This summer we really don't have the ability to be accomodating to BM even if we wanted to since DH can't take off work as he is starting a new job and for all the money we have put out/will put out for the move we really need to book flights that work with DH's work schedule and are most affordable within that timeframe. Maybe fo Christmas break we can be more flexible, but it doesn't work for us to try and accomodate BM this time around.

Okay, the dates aren't going to change, but not sure on flights just yet. I thought 30 days was reasonable too, but wanted to see what others thought/have done.

ESMOD's picture

If you aren't going to change the DATES... then I don't think you have an obligation to coordinate the specific flight times with BM.  I mean.. I doubt the CO requires it.  

30 days seems more than enough to lock in and notify her... and more than enough time for her to ensure she can get SD to the local airport.  

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

the CO does not specify anything except the deadline in which DH has to notify BM on what dates he wants in the summer and that he is responsible for 100% of the transportation costs, that is it.

BethAnne's picture

My husband and his ex are not much into planning things in advance. I think in their old agreement dates were supposed to be agreed apon 30 days in advance. Not sure that ever happened. My husband will work with BM to find dates that work for both of them, flying on weekends is more pricey but more convenient for everyone. I think though that there are usually limited number of suitable flights per day (1 perhaps 2) on his preferred airline (alaska - they have good unaccompanied minor program at reasonable cost if you are flying out west) so that means that they both have to work within those constraints anyway. They don't allow minors to fly late at night and only on non-stop flights. Luckily my husband has family around where BM lives so they have always been our back up plan if/when BM flakes on things.

Your plans sound reasonable, but if your husband cannot make reasonable accomodations to fit into BM's needs you may find that sd does not end up on the flight that was booked or that BM will not compromise on things in the future. Trying to be flexible will help in the long run to make everything go smoother, the extra couple hundred dollars that flights may cost will be well spent if it makes everything go more smoothly. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

agree on anything regarding transportation, just the deadline of when DH has to notify BM about the dates he wants for summer by and that 100% of the transportation costs fall on him. Due to DH's new job, he will have to fly to get her on the weekend and then she will be 5 in July before we send her back so there is more flexibility on date/time to send her back if we can find a non stop flight and a companion to fly with her, but if DH has to fly with her to send her back then again it will have to be on a weekend.

BM has been notified of the date of flying out and returning 3 months prior to leaving and did not respond when we notified her so the window of needing to accomodate BM will be closed when we book the flights 30 days before SD comes. Things are never smoothly with BM no matter if you are flexible or not. Since we are responsible for the costs, we followed the CO, and we have had/are putting out about $10,000 on moving, this summer the couple of hundred bucks do matter after spending that type of money and then adjusting to living expenses/income/etc. plus flights and child care immediately after.

BethAnne's picture

That does make things more complex if SD needs your husband to fly with her. Hopefully when she turns 5 your husband will be able to find suitable flights for her to fly unaccompanied. 

I am sorry that your budget is so tight. We are also responsible for all SD's travel costs and had an expensive move when we moved from Oregon to Illinois a few years back, as well as her expenses when she was with us on top of child support payments. I know it adds up. We did find thought that there was a big difference in moving costs quoted to us from different moving companies that saved us a few thousand dollars. Unfortunately our stuff was delayed being delivered though and we were without our possesions for a couple of weeks when we moved, so I would make sure essentials travel with you. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

from VA to us in WA, DH has to fly with her because she won't yet be 5. It would be nice to be able to not have him also fly her back, but if we have to do it this trip so she also gets more accustomed to flying than that is something we are willing to pay for. However, checking with BM to see what works for her, but could be more expensive for us, we are to willing to accomodate her needs/wants. BM has the dates SD is coming to us and going back to BM so if there was an issue she should of said something when we sent them the last week in March.

It is more tight because we don't know the final price with everything. The military is moving us, which makes it less stressful for us, but also more stressful. Because the military is moving us, there is no way for us to know how much we will owe the military to cover the rest of our move. DH's home of record is only 1/3 of the distance from VA to WA, so we are responsible for the 2/3 of the way. After speaking to numerous people there is no way to know how much we will owe to the military until after we move when we get the bill within 30 days by mail. On top of that other than the air bnb in Montana we aren't booking hotels ahead so the hotel cost plus food cost is all just estimated. Then there is the cost of living in a new place, etc. those sorts of costs that come up or are unknown. So at the end of the day since there are so many unknowns even though we have $10,000 set aside to cover all of that plus covered our deposit and rent for May, we are trying to not overspend in anything because we have no idea what it will be at the end of the day. It is very stressful when you don't have a final number.

Luckily we will be in the truck so we have quite a bit of space to bring the essentials with us! Yeah that also worries me because it could happen to us as well with not getting our stuff which just means more money spent on buying things to live off of until we get our stuff.

Ah moving is stressful and even more so when going 2,000+ miles away

justmakingthebest's picture

I think the earliest they can fly is 6 with a direct flight unaccompanied. I think 8 is pretty standard for anything with a layover. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

but must be a direct flight so we will probably book through them

It would be nice if for Christmas somehow my parents can fly with SD out to us, but that will depend on a lot of things, plus I don't know if it is worth the drama of getting BM to exchange with my father.

 

BethAnne's picture

I hate moving too. It sounds like a nightmare when you have no control over the costs. Good luck with it all.