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SD's Visit and BM's drama

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

So not that it matters, but there has been ALOT of drama the last 2+ weeks with BM so I decided to share some of it because perhaps it will give some perspective on why communication is limited with BM not that it matters whether people understand or not. 

Medical:

-BM messaged DH on 7.21.21 that SD had a doctors appointment on 7.19.21 that wanted to discuss with DH and have him look at medical documents on medical concerns. DH was not notified of an appointment. BM had 3 concerns, two of which have already been discussed several times to which the doctors have all said are not concerns. 1. Allergy to daily, soy, and seafood... SD has never had an allergic reaction to any or doctors felt an allergy test was necessary, 2. Constipation ... BM claims SD never has bowel movements, but SD with us has bowel movements every other day at least. Everytime we talk to SD she says she is eating junk which we think is the issue with SD's bowel movements when at BM's.

-The 3rd issue BM has never brought up to DH, SD has never complained about to us, and when DH has taken SD to doctors appointments the doctors have never been concerned about, but BM claims has been an ongoing issue for 3 years.

-When asked further about the tonsils issues, BM said “she has small airways so I worry if she has an allergic reaction and she can’t breathe.” Then continues to say she switched pediatricians because “I didn’t think they were taking me seriously” … Well seeing as you never once mentioned this before but are worried she can’t breathe, but this has been an issue for 3 years, seems rather suspect.

-DH asked why he hasn't been informed of medical issues or appointments BM says “Unfortunately, I’ve been rather busy between school registration and regular medical appointments for 2 children. I also work.” …. Well you wanted primary custody and wouldn’t settle for anything less, you also took DH’s rights away to the other child so you set yourself up for that, plus welcome to the rest of society that has to work

-Had to ask BM 4 times for her to upload documents from SD's appointments, took 2.5 weeks for her to finally do it

-Had to ask BM about the allergy test results because she did not share that info, also took 2.5 weeks. SD is not allergic to seafood, dairy, or nuts. BM says SD next is seeing a "geneticist" to do a more in depth test because the doctor only tested for the 3 basics... I don't think BM knows the difference between a geneticist and an allergist.

-Has an ENT appointment "much later" to look at her tonsils, but BM has not provided that information, big surprise. Guess the second doctor either takes it seriously or it is much easier to send her to a specialist, but there are no notes from SD's appointments of her tonsils being a concern. 

School:

-BM informs DH that the meet and greet of SD's teacher is while SD is with us, so she will provide teacher info after

-Had to ask BM to provide teacher info since BM did not share info days after the meet and greet

-Not to mention DH had to do legwork to find out what school she would be attending because BM either did not want to share the information or did not put the legwork in to find out

Pre-Visit:

-After informing DH of medical issues says “when she sees you please be mindful of her medical issues” acting as if SD has a disease or disorder and to not neglect the medical care she needs

-When asking if SD will be on the plane for her flight BM informs DH she purchased SD a phone for her travel... Okay, makes sense

-Then BM tries to dictate the phone rules and how things will work in our house

       -"I'd like if you could allow her to use it. Even if its specific times or just a few min. Just as long as you make sure it is sent             back with her and supervise use. We do have rules and she is only allowed parents and 2 other people on her phone"

      -"I don't want you to confiscate it the entire time."

Visit:

-DH messaged BM that flight had landed (9:45 our time, 12:45 am BM’s time) and asks to call and talk to SD... It is super late and SD literally just got off the plane

-DH tells BM that SD is too exhausted to call. BM then asks to call SD first thing in the morning or have SD call her, like SD hasn’t even been with DH 12 hours and BM is already asking to call when she claims she isn’t going to interfere with DH’s time. So DH says SD will call BM sometime the next afternoon

-When SD calls BM, BM asks several times how the flight was, which I get because first time SD flew, but the child already answered the question several times, then BM asks several times what SD did for the day, where did she go, if she ate, etc. … it was 3 pm here, nope we are starving SD. After 2 minutes of interrogation by BM, SD asks if she could go and call her later… SD has never asked DH to go and call him later

-So on SD's phone DH is not listed as a contact on it (only BM, BM’s friend, and BM’s Dad).

-Plus BM has a gps tracking app on the phone. So the phone has been shut off the whole time. There are several other tracking apps on the phone and we aren't having BM in our business, plus SD is 5 and it is DH's time. 

-SD has been here and it is currently off and charging for SD's flight tomorrow. It will be turned on tomorrow when they get to the airport. We turned it on today to check the battery life and there are 10+ text messages from BM to SD including photos, voicemails, etc.... never once messaged DH to call SD or anything, so that part is nice, but SD is 5 she cannot read your texts.

-We looked at SD's tonsils and they look totally normal and there hasn't been a complaint or any mention of them the whole time she has been here.

 

Conclusion of SD's visit, SD has been great, she has been having an awesome time, she had a fantastic flight and is not scared of flying or anything. It sucks with the restrictions of camps, etc. because of COVID and travel so we didn't get all of our weeks with SD this summer, but at least we got to see her for more than a week. DH will be reaching out to SD's teacher since we have the info now so he is kept in the loop. Moving forward if the information is not provided after the first ask DH is just going to call the doctor or the school because he is done playing games of BM withholding information. 

Side note everytime BM messages about ANYTHING she says "we" instead of "I" it is so annoying because we don't care if there is a we just say "I." DH has said we or referenced me max 3 times in regards to SD because whether we discussed it or not when talking to the other parent it shouldn't be about that. Meanwhile because DH has to fill out a guardian form at the airport for BM to pick up SD, we had to ask what her license says since according to some paperwork it says a different last name, but others it has DH's last name. So either BM falsely puts on another name and hasn't changed it from DH's OR she hasn't changed her license because her license still is DH's last name. Again, we don't care, but what is with that. 

Comments

JRI's picture

I feel for you, thus all sounds exhausting.  Does your BM have  a SO?   Sounds like she needs something else to occupy her time.  Being MOTY is taking a lot of effort!  

Maybe our late BM wasn't so bad after all.  She neglected to take the kids to the doctor unless it was an emergency and after braces were put on SD's teeth, usually overlooked the followup appointments.  I dont think she ever went to a school conference that I know of.  I didn't know how good I had it compared to your BM.  Lol.

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

It is all about control. For example, this afternoon we sent over the flight number for tomorrow and BM's response is telling us to charge SD's phone for the flight. Like thanks there are two fully capable adults here who can handle it, we don't need your instructions.

i have no idea if she has a SO. She constantly says "we" about everything regarding decisions or things done for/with SD as if she does, plus paperwork from the marine corps that she received when her benefits were terminated after the divorce her name had been updated to a last name that is not her maiden name or my DH's last name, so it makes it seem as if she does. However, SD never mentions anyone, never seen BM wear a ring, etc. so it's weird. But we don't care about her life outside of SD and for some reason she doesn't get that and still tries to control things in our house even though she's never been able to. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

LOL

Floral_SM's picture

Sorry I haven't read many of your blogs, does your DH reply to her a lot? She seems a bit excessive with her control. It's easy to stamp that out by your DH to not reply and say 'cheers no worries' and just ignore her other ramblings. 

I would let 90% of your dot points go to be honest.  When it comes to medical, does your DH and BM have the same doctor for SD? He is the parent, can't he speak directly to the doctor himself for results? That will cut off un necessary follow up with BM for medical records. The same with the teachers? The less communication to BM and reply back saying 'thanks, I've spoken to the doctor, all good here' to her demands, the harder it is for her to keep trying to find ways to control. She's clearly threatened by your lifestyle, and insecure and wants her baby close to her. Just ignore her and know SD had a great time Smile

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Need to or to request information, but after this time Dh is going to just talk directly to the doctor and the school because he's tired of her games. She's never been given control yet continuously tries to gain control in our house. 
 

These were just prime examples of why communication with BM is kept at the bare minimum. It was really good to see SD!

CastleJJ's picture

Your HCBM sounds just like ours, like to a tee. She withholds information, overcommunicates pure nonsense, tries to meddle, keeps her life 100% private/secret, etc. 

Our BM sent SS9 with a kid's smart watch that could call, text, and GPS track. SS informed me that it texts BM and GF his location every 15 minutes. Umm NOPE. DH's phone number also wasn't programmed in the device, just BM (Mama), BM's GF (Mom) and all of BM's family. DH took it away, turned it off, and left it in our pantry for the whole two week visit. 

BM also withholds information on everything. We always have to jump through hoops to get doctor's names and school information. BM will rarely provide the information so we have to super sleuth through emails to try and piece things together. BM always provides vague information like "took SS to the doctor for his annual physical. He is fine" and then is mad that DH doesnt know SS' extensive medical history. It's the same story for school and sports information. Oh and BM also responds "we" to every communication because BM believes that she and her GF are SS' true parents. She also cc's her GF in all emails to DH. DH responds as "I" because he is the parent, not me, and I don't want any part of that mess. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Exactly alike! Like congratulations for wasting wwehone's time and energy for some petty bs! 
 

Meanwhile I forgot to add a friend of mine saw BM on Tik tok and she posted a video with her older child who is 6 now. In the video the child has full blown makeup and BM is telling her she isn't going out looking like that because she looks like a hooker then the little girl says well if that's what I look like... totally great role model calling your child a hooker when they are 6. 
 

we really enjoyed seeing SD but I'm happy the drama, games, etc should be waaaay cut down because she will be at BM's. Sd meanwhile is not happy to go back to BM's but we tried to spin it positively because she is starting kindergarten Monday.

CastleJJ's picture

Ironically, my SS9 didn't want to go back to BMs either. He realizes that she and GF don't spend any time with him ever, where DH and I are family oriented and enjoy family dinners, movie nights, and outings. But, SS has been gone since the beginning of July and we haven't heard a word from BM, so that part is really nice. When SS was here, we heard from her four times in 2 weeks and when BM and GF talked to SS it was all about trying to find out information: what are you doing, have you eaten, what time did you go to bed, is the apartment clean, etc. How about you mind your own damn business. 

Winterglow's picture

They ask those questions simply because they have no idea how to talk to him nor what to talk to him about, so that just leaves functional banalities. Like my grandmother used to say "they're more to be pitied than scolded" (because they're pathetic). 

ExhaustedByItAll's picture

Over-doing the medical for things that don't exist, she makes up as !huge concerns! is a big red flag so she can say, "see, I take care of the child and dad doesn't ever take her to the doctor for anything!" It's one of the big plays here to get sole parental responsibility. ADHD drugs are another one, if dad refuses to give the meds, he's not medically caring for the child.

The game play with the doctors info is also a control move used a lot by those in court. If the doctors will talk to your DH, he should contact all, and ask about any referrals made and future appointment dates. Also make sure he's on any school contact paperwork cause I garuntee BM didn't put his info down.

My skids BM continues to do all of this. She's supposed to provide the court orders to doctors and the schools, she doesn't. She tells them that she has sole custody (which isn't even the correct term for it) and that DH is abusive so when he does finally get the information and tries to call he has to jump through 20 hoops and even hospital legal teams before a doctor will speak to him about his kids. She's supposed to tell DH in advance of any specialist doctor appointments so he can also attend, she doesn't, if she even tells him at all it is weeks after the fact. She self-diagnoses the skids with all kinds of things to try to get more government money and play the sympathy card, "oh poor me with my ADHD, dyslexic, whatever ailment this month child! I'm just so worried about my child!" Um, no, no doctor has ever diagnosed any of that.