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SD Update - BM, School, & Spring Break

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

DH messaged BM today to check in with her to make sure she was aware SD's flight departs at 7 am this Saturday. Since SD has only made 1 flight out of 4 flights on the day SD is supposed to fly to us and this is the first morning flight SD is getting on to us, DH is not leaving any chances for stupid excuses. Although, BM would still manage to give some if SD misses the flight. Anyways, BM is aware of the flight time, good, but then she has the AUDACITY to ask DH "before I forget please!!! go over her sight words repeatedly and practice upper and lower case letters." We have done nothing for years, but try and help SD over every break and before she was even in kindergarten on our visits to help her progress. We spent LOTS of money on tutoring 4 hours a week all last summer. Spent money on resources and we have been the ones advocating for SD's education. Just couldn't believe it.

Then, she says SD had a GREAT report card. Well, I don't see how that is when SD has regressed in 9 areas she knew last report card, only improved in 3 areas from last report card, and only got 100% on 24 out of 47 areas...Neither DH or I would use the word to describe that. After much continued frustration with SD's teacher we finally got out of her that: she is concerned about the regression SD has had in the last 9 weeks especially since more and more new material keeps getting added in, got the online login for the resources and programs used at school/to be used at home to help students, and as of right now SD is on track to continue on to first grade. Now, DH and I brought up our concern about regression and new material back in October and the teacher thought we were being crazy, but we shall see how the next 9 weeks go. 

DH points out to BM there has been progress, but also the regression SD has had that both DH and the teacher are worried about. BM basically isn't worried about it because her test scores are coming out okay. DH used this as an opportunity to follow up with BM on the tutor SD was supposedly getting in October and BM would share information on. Supposedly SD goes to tutoring 2 times a week, but you know typical hasn't had time in almost 6 months to share any information about the tutor. 

BM claims she will upload information about the tutor on the SD's profile on the CO app and other information she needs to update tonight. Well we will not be holding our breath, it has been 3 years of a pattern of BM not sharing information. Doesn't matter if you ask her nicely one time, doesn't matter if you don't ask for 6 months, and it doesn't matter if you ask a million times, BM will never readily share information UNLESS she is caught doing something against the CO then she overshares information, but still not the type she is supposed to share. The most frustrating part of it all is it isn't information we could get any other way. 

SD finally texted back yesterday, almost 3 full weeks from when BM gave SD's number so DH "could better communicate" with SD. Quite convenient that it is a few days before SD comes here with the phone. It is quite obvious it is because BM wants to be able to communicate with SD on it when she is here, but she can wait the 19 days DH had to wait for a response. No return phone call to DH's calls either like BM said would happen. 

Yes, I know a lot of this we need to let go of because we are so far away, but it is hard when very clearly we care more about SD's success than BM does. We also shared within 24 hours the reports from SD's summer every single report from her tutor. It is always the excuse of BM being busy, well the whole world is busy and 6 months to upload information on a tutor is just ridiculous. We WANT SD to move on to first grade, but scared for next year when this has been such a struggle again and a lot of it was review.


CajunMom's picture

"It's not that I don't care, it's that I CANNOT care. To care only causes me more heartache and damage."

It's literally impossible to make any positive changes for these kids; sad but truth. I had to sit by and watch DHs two youngest kids become high school dropouts because of the same behaviors by their BM. Inconsistent school attendance, zero accountability with homework and/or failed tests, no tutors (although we paid), etc. I finally dropped the ball after enduring a year of pure hell living with DHs youngest kid. While he excelled academically in our home, it was a war zone dealing with the BM and his adult sister (mini wife). He went back to ClanLand for Senior year with As and Bs, zero missed days, back in line for TOPS (our state tuition assistant program), healthy (all appointments caught up with) and braces finally OFF (both kids kept their braces on for over 3 years due to continual missed appointments. They had to come to us to get that completed. Oof.) And only to miss 53 days of his Senior year and fail 5 classes. Even sadder? We dangled a used car in his face to get him to the GED center. He went a week, tested and passed the exams needed. SMH

I know your journey all too well. Education is/was a top priority in my life (something I missed out on due to the poverty I grew up in). Both of my kids excelled in high school and are college graduates, doing well in life. They got there by having accountability and parents who gave a crap about them. To see DHs kids' futures just tossed to the wind was sickening. Today, both of those kids are struggling in life. Sad.

Sending you a big hug. 

PushedToMyLimit's picture

I never used to understand how a parent could walk away & now I understand it 100%. Often no matter what you do it doesn't change the outcome. How do you guys continue to hold on? My kids are not like this (boys age 21 & 12) but my fiancé's kids are or will be. His oldest (19) is a user of people/loser & he finally cut him out of life after his last escapade. We also have his 9yr old son full time since loser BM dumped him here 3 years ago with a week notice & moved away. He did really well progressing for 2 years & then she moved back & he spiraled backwards & then some. He is a mess in so many ways & I know if he went back with her he would be exactly like your stories. We fight & battle every day with basic things & I honestly feel like he is going to end up just like his brother anyway. I see so many of the same qualities & so does his dad. We are starting to think it's just bad DNA & we are fighting a losing battle. I'll be honest, so many days I want him to go back to BM so I can have my life & home back to the way it was. I know it isn't his fault however, he is plenty old enough to correct the things we are dealing with & teaching, especially after living here 3 years. I'm so frustrated and we have 9 more years of it. 

Thumper's picture

Is there any way, bm would consider a custody switch? NO child support exchanged from her TO dh? I imagine you have been down that road before ---big fat NOPE from bm..

I do have to wonder IF bm has a tutor for SD--maybe you can get that out of her during her visit coming up.  She is in 1st grade now, yes? ----


Our experience has been for all our kids, Elementary is the worst for all the hours of homework, Jr High is the worst for mean rotten kids and Sr High school is a leveling out. 

Ughhh, I feel for ya.