SD Update

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

We washed SD's outfit that got chocolate all over it and the shirt and pants were size appropriate for SD. The shoes BM put her in are at least a thumb too big in the front and then a finger on each side too wide. They were probably SD's sisters that she wore out because they were stretchy on the side slip on shoes. The back up clothes were sizes 10/12 (top) and 8 (pants). SD typically wears a size 6/7, so while the pants were big, they weren't overly big. The top on the other hand was many sizes too big.

As for SD's phone, BM has not said a word since DH asked BM for the address for the out of state trip coming up next week and BM said she already provided it. DH responded saying it wasn't anywhere on the CO app. BM hasn't even opened the CO app since she claims she already provided the address, that was Sunday. On Monday, BM sent SD an audio message to SD's phone, but nothing since. SD's sister texted her on Sunday and today.

Today, we gave SD her cell phone for 20 minutes in her room and did not give her any direction other than if you want you can use your phone in your room for some time. I was around the corner doing laundry, but we wanted SD in her room specifically in case SD would video call BM or take pictures, etc. We do not care if SD takes photos in her room or video chats, but we really don't want photos or video taken of the rest of the house. I specifically got all the photos taken down online of our house as soon as we bought it and I like it that way. 

Anyone want to guess what SD did on her phone for the 20 minute period? She did not listen to BM's message, she did not open her sister's messages, but instead she was on Roblox. DH and I do not agree on SD playing Roblox which is a big part of the reason we don't want to give SD her phone because there are things on there we do not agree SD should be watching/playing. SD has not asked to talk to BM, hasn't asked for her phone, or anything like that since she got here. BM who claimed SD would not be allowed to video chat on her phone because of an incident that happened at school making it unsafe allowed video calls the day SD came here and video chatted her while SD was at the airport. How typical, it only applies that DH cannot video chat SD on the phone on BM's time, but BM has no problem of SD video chatting on our time. So much for it being "unsafe."

So basically BM is trying to use the phone as both a babysitter on her time and trying to make it seem like SD is dependent on talking to BM every day. BM HATES how SD has a good time here and isn't missing BM like she wants to be missed. But you know SD is going to go to therapy because SD "hides in her games and media," etc. Well it sounds like it is because instead of giving time and attention you just give the kids cell phones at 6 and 8 to go sit in their room quietly. I am very interested to see what happens with this therapist before summer visit. 

SD did try to do the whole cry method to get out of doing her words when sternly told her to stop guessing and to try. Guess what? By ignoring the well up of tears and emotions and asking her the next sight words, SD got every single one right and didn't actually cry, her whole attitude changed. All it took was encouraging and giving positive feedback when she got each word right.

Comments

justmakingthebest's picture

It would seem that SD, at 6, has already figured out who the actual parents that have expectations and boundaries are and who she can walk all over. BM is going to be in for one hell of a ride. I just hope you don't get the call one day of "I can't handle her, she has to come live with you" after she has been properly alienated and told her whole life how awful you and your DH are.

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

That the two households are definitely different. Sometimes it takes being told a time or two that "you might do that at your moms, but you will not do that here." After that, there is no problems with SD outside of regular 6 year old stuff. Although in general she is a very well behaved kid. 
 

The worst habit she does at BMs that we always have to work on when she first gets here is her telling us what to do instead of asking for something. I can't believe BM let's a 6 year old boss her around and tell her what to do, there's no way in hell that flies here. So the first couple days we have to gently remind her to ask us for what she wants and use manners. 

Ispofacto's picture

Your BM is the typical GUHCBM. Yes, she is a bad parent, yes she has double standards. And it's fine for you to be annoyed and come here to vent.

But you seem worried about defending your decisions in your household. To a huge extent, what BM thinks and says doesn't matter. Outside of the level of neglect cps would be interested in, what you and DH do is none of her business. And what she does is none of your business.

Drug addicts get parenting time. The system doesn't care about micromanaging parents' decisions regarding clothing, food, screen time, contact, living arrangements, etc. Even when it comes to custody challenges, the court is mainly only concerned about major neglect and abuse. Sometimes they care about compliance with a CO, within reason. They allow a lot of flexibility with regards to the mishaps of daily living. They don't have time for trivial crap.

So ignore what BM says and does. Make a good faith attempt to comply with the CO. Decide what you think is reasonable, and stick to it. Maybe have SD call her once a day at a certain time whether she wants to or not. If BM misses the call, too bad. Accept the fact that BM is not going to facilitate SD's relationship with DH. There isn't a lot you can do about that. When she comes, clean her up, put her in good clothes, feed her, enjoy her, and return her to BM in the clothes she wore there.

Your BM is just neglectful enough that your DH may stand a small chance of gaining custody. Especially if SD misses a lot of school, or teachers start noticing she is dirty or unfed, or she has a health issue BM neglects to address. DH would have a stronger chance if he lived closer. If DH facilitates contact between SD and BM on his time, and BM does not reciprocate, that makes his case slightly stronger if he does choose to go for custody. It's helpful that he demonstrates an interest in talking to SD on BM's time, whether she cooperates or not. 

Disengage from the nonstop tit-for-tat mostly-imaginary arguments with BM. The courts don't care about bad parents or liars. Put her on autoignore and live your life.

 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

defending our decisions in our household, but more if we ever end up in the court room, do not want a judge to be like you are both being petty and playing games so he doesn't care what BM does because in the judge's eyes DH did petty games too. If that makes sense? So we try to make sure we are 100% following the court order so then if/when we do go to court for most likely SD's education, but could be among other things too, then it doesn't look like DH is being high conflict and also not following the CO, that BM is the one who doesn't care what the CO says.

 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

One of the hardest things for us to learn was you can't, and shouldn't, live your life worrying about "how it will look in court." Not only is it not worth it, for the most part it is not necessary. Most cases do not end up in court, and if they do, the judge only cares about the big things. Most of what you are worrying about a judge wouldn't even consider. It is not fair and it is not right, but it is reality. Like Ispo said, you are lucky to get a judge to care about real abuse, let alone who let the child use the phone when.

Your best bet for ever getting custody is schooling, and even that will be a long shot because it would involve separating SD from her sister due to the amount of difference between the households.

Try and relax about the "small stuff" and just enjoy SD when she is with you.

Rags's picture

and vindictive. Though our robed idiot did not use those exact words, the message was pretty much the same.  The SpermLand judge gave a similar message to them and us before issuing the ruling for the CO at the end of a very long day in court once we finally got to court.

"I hope  you all feel better because now I am going to do what I always do."

No consideration of the neglect, arrest records, statutory rape history, etc...  

Unknw

I just about lost my shit with that idiot comment.  He knew I was not happy.  After that, any time we were visiting my IL clan in SpermLand and his Honor saw me, he would cross the street so we did not come face to face. That happened a couple of times over the years.

Of course I would not have done anything untoward, but... he would have known what I thought of him. He knew anyway and I never said a word to him after the hearing concluded.

Diablo

Rags's picture

couldn't give a shit about what happens to the kids they force to be with these wastes of skin who have no business anywhere near children including their own. Of course not all of them are bottom 10%ers. But far too many for it to be an anomaly IMHO.

When SS was a toddler he would leave for SpermLand visitation a  happy, clean, healthy, conversant, mostly toilet trained little boy.

5Wks later after  summer visitation he would come home a sullen, non talking, loaded diaper (that had not likely been changed in days) wearing, 1/4inch long finger and toe nail sporting, dirty, sick, smelly waif.   He would have diaper rash so bad his anus would bleed when we cleaned him up. He  would have puss filled welts all over his butt cheeks. He had black sludge under his arm pits, in the folds of his neck, in his crotch, around his waist band area, and behind his knees. His breath would gag a maggot and his teeth would be floresent yellow-ish. His body odor would knock a buzzard off of a shit wagon.

We took pics, would take him directly from picking him up from the airport to his Pediatricians office to get it in the medical record.

This went on for more than year of visitations starting when SS was 2yo.  Fortuneately the summer visitaitons were the only ones long enough for his ass rot, etc, to progess to the most advanced state. Fall, winter, and spring were only a week each so we would get him back early enough to minimize the worst of it.

The idiot bottom 10%er stupid Harry Potter robe sporting infant Fisher-Price   wooden hammer slinging SpermLand dumb ass judge couldn't have cared less. Pics, video of the screaming kid getting his bloody butt cleaned up, doctor's reports, etc... did not matter. 

"Any child would be blessed to have the love of this family."

Shok

Nea

Bad

If the SpermIdiot had ever set foot in Texas we would have had the conservative Williamson County courts feed him to the prison lifers as a shower toy for what his family did to our little boy.  If the SpermLand judge had ever set foot in Texas for a legal genious convention, the Texas judiciary would have turned him into boar bait for a wild pig hunt.  Too bad neither of those eventualities ever eventuated.

SpermLand courts... considered that entire neglectful POS family to be commendable. The serial statutory rapist under age girl breeding dumbass. The toxic controlling manipulative PASing SpermgrandHag and the serial adulterer SpermGrandPa.  With those three, post birth adult abortion would be a blessing to the rest of the world.

SS is now 30. To this day, just recalling that crap pisses me off.  SS found the pics and Doctors reports on his toddler years post SpermLand visitation condition when he was surfing our Custody/Visitation/Support file cabinet drawers after one of the SpermClan's lie, manipulation, and toxicity filled visitations when he was in his early to mid teens.   He was quiet for several days after that. He finally asked us about it.  We of course discussed it with him calmly focusing on the facts which he had read for himself. That was around the time that he started calling them on their shit in real time when he was on visitation.  

It breaks my heart even now that they did that to my son.

Thank God he was too young to remember it.