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SD Tonsils Continued

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

So last night we heard back from SD's teacher in regards to asking if SD has complained in school about pain or had trouble eating, etc. SD's teacher's response:

"She has not complained to me about anything. She eats breakfast, lunch, and snack pretty well. She will occasionally ask to have things open f she needs help, but other than that no problems. I will keep a closer eye for anything and let you know if there are any issues that arise."

Hmm... well that is funny because BM claims SD has "constant throat pain" so bad that she "will refuse to eat." 

Then we wake up this morning to 6 messages from BM. Saying that she 100% believes the tonsils are causing the recurring issues, she kept getting strep until hers were removed, she understands waiting on results, but removing tonsils now vs adulthood is a better option as they recover quicker. Plus a photo of SD's tonsils followed by "This is right now as you can clearly see if the swelling gets any worse we will be in an ER vs a doctors office."

Well, BM tonsil issues have not been found to be hereditary, SD has NEVER had strep, unless medical information was withheld, SD is 5 she will not be an adult next month, the results from the environmental allergy test is due in any day. Plus in the photo you can tell the tonsils are a little irritated but the tonsils are not even remotely close to touching.

We re-asked BM for medical documentation showing issues/concerns prior to the last two months, relayed what the teacher said, relayed the specialist's recommendation is solely due to BM's claims of SD at night, but that we are awaiting the results from the environmental allergy tests, how this is about SD's issues not BM's history.

BM responds

"I'm waiting on tests. As for a teacher that she has only known a few weeks I wouldn't put much stock in that. I have 3 medical professionals who had heard her complaints. Verified what I have seen. Your not around her to know and are basically calling me a liar. It's offensive as I am putting her medical needs as top priority. I have 3 months of documentation. Still have to request paperwork from last year. I'm going to take her back in October which provides 4 months of consistent documentation. Hopefully receive 2020 documentation soon."

But wait, you claimed it has been ongoing for 3 years so where is 2019 documentation? Also, you said SD complains every day, but her teacher who she has had for a month now knows nothing of any of this or heard any complaints. 

After responding to BM's message, BM says "Her well being is top priority as is my other daughter." 


What does your other daughter have anything to do with SD's tonsil issues or DH at all anymore? Oh right, nothing. 

To which after this is the 4th time in a row BM has made some comment about her other daughter so we said

"Your other daughter is 100% of your business so stop bringing her up to me when only SD is my business."

^Probably should not of even said anything, but 3 times she has been talking about her other daughter and DH has said nothing about it thinking if he did not give attention to it, it would stop, but clearly not so he addressed it this time.


So basically just waiting on the environmental allergy test results and waiting for documentation of it being a past issue. When we get results/medical paperwork from BM we will request the sleep study. We forgot this morning and don't want to just go back and forth with BM all day until there is more information. At this point we are almost thinking after the test results, additional documents, and sleep study telling BM, that DH does not agree that SD needs her tonsils out, but if BM thinks it will solve SD's issues then okay. Luckily tonsil surgery is not as invasive, but still risky. Also, the specialist was not at all concerned about this surgery and COVID risks. Then if SD has them out and the "problems" are not fixed, then clearly it was not her tonsils. Besides requesting a sleep study and the documents we have been waiting for, there doesn't seem like there is much to do. Getting involved with a lawyer will probably go no where since 3 doctors have agreed with BM to get them removed. Meanwhile to me it is quite interesting that SD is ONLY seeming to have these issues at BM"s home, but every time we bring it up she has a fit and says it is not her home. So yeah that is the update and frustrating as well.

I also sent the photo she sent to my mom and my mom said "seriously? with the annoyed emoji." My parents are not doctors, but they have 3 children, her brother got his tonsils removed and she works with children so getting her input is always helpful on something we think a certain way about, but there is the possibility we just lack experience and are wrong. On this my mom has confirmed the whole time that we are not crazy to think after 2 months of documentation that SD should have her tonsils removed. 


**EDIT: Enlarged tonsils can be hereditary, but not tonsil issues such as strep, etc. are not. 


CastleJJ's picture

I know it's frustrating! I was 100% right about BM using DH's cross country move to solidify her point. She may bury herself by not having documentation to prove 3 years worth, but she is making up for lost time by showing regular documentation of three agreeing providers. And of course, any third parties that prove your point are wrong and cannot be trusted. Also, your BM loves to throw that jab in about her "other daughter" only to hurt DH and it works because he responded, so she knows it is a weak spot she can exploit. You are in for an uphill battle. 

I thought about this last night and forgot to tell you. Our BM tried this too. SS was doing really well academically and BM wanted to enroll SS in a "gifted and talented" program. Well, SS was denied for that program because he wasn't smart/gifted enough. BM immediately ran to her pediatrician and before we knew it, SS was diagnosed with ADHD, and BM kept claiming that the ADHD is why he wasn't accepted... We asked BM what grounds led her to believe he had ADHD and she said it was because he "climbs/bounces all over her furniture and is hyper." Well, that is called lack of parenting and stimulation, not ADHD. SS had never exhibited any hyperactivity or inattention at our house. BM said it was because we didn't see him enough to see the symptoms. We asked BM what kind of testing was done to diagnose SS with ADHD, and she said the doctor "evaluated" and had written a note within five minutes "because the symptoms were so clear"... ADHD requires several neurological evaluations and cannot be diagnosed on a whim, but here we are. We asked BM for the medical records and she sent over the note from the doctor and the medical record where ADHD was listed effective 2017. When we took BM to court in 2019, we brought this up. The judge said that because BM had more physical contact with SS, it discredited our argument against him having ADHD, because essentially the custodial parent knows best. Plus, BM had "medical records" to support the diagnosis. 

BM didn't put SS on medication or change anything; she just started doing "mindfulness exercises" with him, which made no difference. She also stopped feeding him red dye and sugar, but that only lasted a few weeks. BM also wanted DH to pay $850 for BM and GF to attend a class on how to cope and raise "special" children... DH refused. You better believe that BM has that ADHD diagnosis listed in every school and medical file to show she is MOTY for having a "special needs" child. SS' ADHD is the first thing BM brings up upon meeting every new teacher. To this day, SS is nowhere near ADHD, in fact he is almost the exact opposite, but it makes BM look good. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

that is why after all is provided unless the enviornmental allergy test comes back with SD allergic to something, then I think DH is just going to have to say he still does not believe this to be necessary, but if BM thinks it will solves SD's issues then okay. There really is no point to pursue legal action when she has a pediatrician and two specialists recommending the removal. EVEN THOUGH their recommendation at this point is based SOLELY on BM's account of SD's symptoms. Hoping for SD's sake that it does help her, but we really don't think it will. 

I know saying something about it might make BM just keep doing it, but it isn't that it hurts DH at this point, it is more of an annoyance right now. Little does BM know, DH got the tattoo of BM's other daughter's name covered up. DH has made lots of progress on moving on from all that and all BM doing bringing the child up is show how dark and twisted she is. Like we get it you have full rights to the child and DH has none and he doesn't care anymore so move on.  It has been YEARS now since all this went down.

Just mind blowing how testimony of a parent can diagnose issues sometimes. I am sorry you have gone through this rollercoaster we have been. That is hilarious that BM thought your DH would pay for a class for her and her gf to attend. Here is what these BM's don't realize. At their current age, sure a ADHD diagnosis gives attention for BM and if she isn't medicating him, etc. it isn't extremely harmful to him now, but down the road if she tried to get him diagnosed for say something like being bi-polar, that can actual hinder his life. Say he wanted to join the military, they wouldn't take him because of that being on his records. 

Distance does make it hard to have a leg to stand on since the other parent does see the child more, but just because they do, does not actually always make it a good thing. I know I would be portrayed as biased, but SD would thrive more in our household then with BM. Especially since BM has made it clear that she is still having behaviorial issues with her other daughter. After DH lost his rights to SD's sister, her teachers and other people who knew her have told DH how they were growing concerned about the child. She has some darkness going on which sounds horrible to say about a child, but she definitely does. Yet again, which people not in step life do not understand at this point in time there is nothing we can do about any of this yet.

CastleJJ's picture

A lot of these HCBMs are usually sick and twisted. It is how they get away with everything for so long, because they stoop to a societal low that no one else is willing to stoop to. I also think many kids with BMs like ours would do better in their other parent's home, but that will never happen because those BMs can never give up that control and the courts seem to think that kids do best with their mother. And you are 100% right, there is nothing that you or DH can do about it, just like we can't do anything for my SS9. We just have to sit back and watch everything unfold and hope for the best. 

Survivingstephell's picture

Time to ask for a psyche evaluation for BM?   Lol.  I keep thinking about Gypsy and the crap her mother did to her.  I really think this is BM punishing DH for moving away.   You said he had more custody before, more involved right?  This is turning into a big FU to DH.  "This is what you get when you leave me. ". Wah wah wah. Start questioning BM's sanity.  We had to do that and she backed down.   It's a thought.  

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Yeah her mother definitely did horrific things. I will say though that in Gypsy's case, the Dad did not see his daughter for visitation or contact her doctors and she was homeschooled, etc. which is partly why things got so bad. 

When I met DH prior to the custody agreement being in place, DH had primary custody, then when they started being in front of a judge, they had week on/week off for almost a year with DH getting SD for 3 months of summer, then we went to an out of state schedule. They agreed out of court and since BM was also claiming she was moving out of state, an out of state visitation schedule went into their agreement so we did not have to go back to court the following year to get it revised when we moved. Thank goodness we did it that way because of COVID. The reason they made an agreement was because at pretrial the judge made it clear that he would grant BM primary custody on the sole basis of he did not want to separate the sisters, aka BM's other child that she passed off as DH's for 3 years, but was no biologically his and took his rights away to her in court. So DH was able to at least have some control to get a better custody arrangement for SD then he would of if they let the judge decide.

I think since BM has full control over everything for her one daughter, she wants and thinks she should for SD and hates that she has joint legal custody of SD and cannot do whatever she wants. 

It is a thought to eventually request a psych evaluation, but at this point only thing I see happening is BM having a fit over it and we don't gain anything.

tog redux's picture

Yes, living so far away does make it hard to co-parent in this way, and to be honest, BM should get the final say as she does live with the kid, and does know her better in all circumstances as a result of spending so much time with her.  No judge is going to agree that the parent who sees her for 2-3 months of the year has an equal say to the one who sees her 9-10 months a year.  I think that is a hard truth. If you had 50/50 and lived locally, it would be a different story. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

but just because she does, does not mean her decision or opinions are what is actually best for SD. Unfortunately, it will be a long time until we can prove that if we ever can. Just a waiting and documenting game for now and we may never have enough of a case to ever even attempt to prove it. Even living locally when one of the parents is this high conflict and petty, might not even make a difference anyway simply because he is dad and not mom.

tog redux's picture

Perhaps, but spending 50% of the time with a kid gives you a much better chance. Be careful you guys don't start looking like the high conflict ones. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

It does I agree, but we don't live locally and that will be how it is from here on out. 

I do agree we don't want to look high conflict, but requesting medical documentation that is supposed to be provided, to be listed on paperwork like he is supposed to which is outlined in their agreeement, and making sure a surgery is in the best interest of SD is just being a diligient parent. 

DH already knows and accepted the fact that because we are on the other side of the country and his limited visitation time that there is not much he can do because BM does have primary custody and spends more time with SD. However, doesn't mean he is just going to go along and agree with BM either on serious topics or things that he has rights to do. He at the very least wants to try and advocate for SD when/'where he can on serious topics.

BethAnne's picture

Sounds like you are doing the right things. Get the proper documents, your husband is talking directly to the doctors to find out the true picture and BM is having to work to get his approval for the proceedure and learning that her word is not enough and her ex won't just fall in line even after you guys moved out of state. 

I do think though that your SD is going to have to have the tonsils removed anyway as BM is just going to persist with this and if the sleep study and allergy tests dont find another cause for her "issues" then the doctors will fall back to the tonsils. Poor thing. 

Just be aware that apparently tonsils can re-grow (which is what your BM will probably claim has happened in a year or so after the tonsils area removed) and that if removing the tonsils doesn't work then they can move on to removing the adanoids too. This is a repeated topic at ours that SD will bring up that her mother thinks she her tonsils regrew and she needs her adanoids removed. So far we have just ignored it and nothing has come of it, her BM is too busy these days to be full on crazy with SD's medical stuff. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

I don't think BM is going to give up the fight on it either. Unless the allergy tests or sleep study comes back with something DH will just tell her to go ahead with the procedure, but he doesn't believe that is the issue. SD would be getting both her tonsils and adenoids removed with this surgery. Which is part of why DH wants to be sure it is what SD needs because are part of the immune system and help protect the body from viruses and bacteria. So removing these when not needed doesn't really help SD. 

I know I feel bad for SD. BM is not the cleanest person, plus she has a dog and cat. We also have two dogs and a cat, but our cat is purely indoors and our dogs get bathed regularly, go to the vet as they should, get preventive care for fleas, ticks, etc. So I wouldn't be shocked if it was pet related or mold or something in the home that is actually making SD sick at her house. Just bizarre that with us in either of our places SD hasn't had these issues, these issues do not appear at school, etc. So only time will tell, but unless something conclusive comes back from the other two tests, there will be nothing else for us to do or leg to stand on to stop BM from removing them.

I did not know they can re-grow, super weird! Yeah the BM in your situation is also full blown crazy train with medical stuff!