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School Paperwork Update and Question

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

So DH emailed back the school administrator asking what deems custody and educational rights according to their school to make sure SD's paperwork was correct. Turns out that DH IS supposed to be marked off as custody and since he wasn't was why DH could not see half of the information on SD's school app in regards to contact info, emergency contact, etc. So now DH can see all of SD's information. Since this unknown step dad lives with SD he is to be marked off as both custody and educational rights too. The good news is the administrator has now updated all SD's information to be correct so now DH also is listed on a few additional notices that he was not before because BM did not acknowledge DH's custody of SD for school.

In the mail two days ago now, we received SD's medical records from the one ENT had already confirmed that BM did remarry someone who is in the military and we know this based off the type of medical coverage BM has SD on. DH is supposed to and does have SD on his medical insurance per the CO, but BM put SD on her insurance over a year ago now, we had speculated it was to make it easier for her to have SD on the same insuance as her and her other daughter, plus to probably block out DH even further to access information on SD.

Also, SD's teacher moved the virtual parent teacher conference with DH because of a scheduling conflict and now DH's parent teacher conference is before BM's, so I am sure she will end up mad about that. Oh well, BM tried to seem like she was "including" DH in parent teacher conferences, by notifying him that SD's parent teacher conference is on Monday. Except, she did not try and see if DH was available for it or ask anything, so then DH made his own (which realistically he was planning on doing anyway because it is less drama that way). 

Now the question is whether or not DH should say anything to BM about not checking him off as having custody of SD to further the documentation in the court approved app that she is constantly trying to box him out from accessing medical and educational information since this is the 3rd time we know of she has left him off of SD's paperwork and DH has to sent the CO, etc. to get access to her information. We are not planning on going to court anytime soon, but think it is good to have documentation in our back pocket if we ever do of all these attempts at PAS and trying to box DH out.


nengooseus's picture

I would just document all the work you had to do to get him listed, etc.  She doesn't need to be aware of everytime she tries to alienate Dad, but your documentation should be clear.

SteppedOut's picture

BM will know since her new husband has had some things changed as far as access goes... 

OP, I think documentation is never a bad thing. Plus, she may provide even more as I am sure her response won't be plesant...

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

for the step dad because since he lives with her, he is supposed to have those items checked. For DH though he was not marked as having custody of SD so he had limited access to information on SD. DH requested the updated attendance profile to be emailed to him so he has the documentation of the changes.

I think it might be good to have documentation of BM trying to box DH out that BM doesn't even know he knows about in our back pocket. I agree that documentation is good because if it is continues the same way over the years it will show years of BM attempting to box DH out of SD's education and medical.

justmakingthebest's picture

If BM is using her new husbands health insurance (which would be dumb not to since it is free), you need to make sure she isn't going to go after more CS since I am sure that was part of the calculation. A written and signed agreement saying that she is going to have SD on new stepdad's insurance should cover you for contempt. 

I would also bring up that she needs to be certain that the actual parents are the only ones being marked as custodial. As well all know, step parents have no rights. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Apparently the way SD's school works, custodial is supposed to be checked for him since he lives with her and can pick her up, but we will see what the new paperwork says that DH requested be sent over showing the changes

On a side note, I told DH yesterday that if we ever end up in front of a judge and needing a lawyer we should request that there be a 72 hour window or something on the time that a parent has to upload/share medical/educational documents because the 3+ weeks it is taking is ridiculous. Who knows how long this last round of information would of taken for BM to upload, it was almost at the 4 week mark, then DH uploaded the documents we got in the mail from the doctor that we had been requesting from BM for weeks. There are so many instances that either we never get the info or it takes almost a month or more to receive and it is just ridiculous

notarelative's picture

Apparently the way SD's school works, custodial is supposed to be checked for him since he lives with her and can pick her up,

There's not anything you can do about this, but it makes absolutely no sense. Yes, the new husband lives in the same house, but that does not mean he has custodial rights. He can pick SD up because BM put him on the pick up list. People put neighbors on pick up lists all the time. That does not make them custodians.

Schools here list birth parents in one spot. Then there is a place to list stepparent. It's labeled other adults in the home - a place to list steps, grands, aunts, uncles, significant others -- whatever adult that lives there.

The new dad has no educational rights either. BM can give the school permission to talk to him at pickup or when they call the house. But, he doesn't get to make educational decisions. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

That is how it SHOULD be. The way this school does it is nonsense. Only the people in the CO have rights and custody. Step dad has no legal say in anything pertaining SD. Why bother having the box for lives with if anyone that lives with the child apparently then has custody and educational rights? Makes no sense whatsoever.

skell76's picture

I'd document it but honestly pointing it out isn't going to have any benefits.  I'd agree to have a timeframe included - we had that put in ours and it's been a life saver even though we have to do the "per the court ordered parenting plan please reply" as she still goes past. But that usually initiates a response. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

I just feel like there is no excuse that in over 3 weeks you cannot upload information. Regardless of the fact that DH is not going through BM anymore, but there is no gurantee that we can catch everything that BM is leaving DH out of for him to contact directly the source to get the information

tog redux's picture

Well, you can be on two insurance plans, one usually picks up whatever the other one doesn't cover. Make sure BM is giving both insurances though.

I'd be tempted just to say to BM, "BM, Just FYI,seems there were some errors on the school forms that didn't have me listed as having custody, I corrected those with the school so now I can see all of SD's information".   Not accusing, just noting it in there for documentation purposes. 

Of course, if my DH had done that, it would have triggered a 10 paragraph email manifesto about every error DH has made in his life.  But that might be nice for documentation of that too. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

I just thought the reason she put SD on hers as primary is because of the fact that it was easier for BM and gave her all the control. Now it is because well duh because she clearly married someone in the military and it is free.

Yeah I hear what you are saying. It is just exhausting that BM has an excuse for everything. When called out for leaving him off of forms for the ENT, BM said "I was rushing to finish the paperwork and didn't see anywhere to put you except emergency contact and you aren't local." ... It is just excuse after excuse, but it is good to document her being notified so then when it happens again, she really has no excuse. Just trying to establish that it is a constant occurence in case ever needed.

Of course he would because he is not the mom so therefore if mom messes up it can be excused, but dad has no excuse. 

CastleJJ's picture

Lol 10 page manifesto of everything DH has done wrong in his life. This is our HCBM's favorite tactic when she feels threatened or called out. A simple "just so you know about this error" turns into a "you dropped SS off 5 minutes late once 3 years ago, you live in a crappy apartment, you're poor, and you're a terrible Dad."

I would leave it alone and keep that nugget of information in your back pocket for future use if needed. Don't let BM know that you know and see what else she tries to pull that way you can document any changes she makes that block DH, but she doesn't realize you have access to view said changes. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

keeping it in his back pocket rather than messaging and receiving 3 paragraph novels of an excuse of why DH was left off, plus then add in she will say how she is busy and has to do things for 3 people all by herself. Literally hear about how she doesn't have time to do anything because she is busy working and doing things for 3 people on her own. EVERY conversation she has thrown this in there since July.

CastleJJ's picture

Or how she is so busy with her OTHER daughter, just to throw in the jab. 

Our BM used to blame the school and "technology issues" as her excuses for leaving DH off school records. She had GF listed as "Parent #2" in the chart, but listed DH's email under GF's name to ensure he received the communication. When DH called her on it and let her know that he notified the school to change that account, with his email address, to his name, BM claimed that she had "no idea" how that happened and it must have been some error in the coding or a glitch in the system. Yeah okay BM... 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Since DH told BM to stop mentioning her other daughter as that is 100% her business and only SD is DH's business, BM has not used that saying instead says "for 3 people, by myself." LOL.... DH even told her recently if she cannot handle the responsibility and finds SD to be a burden that he will gladly take it all on and have SD live with him. That shut her up for like a couple days. lol

Does your BM think your DH is an idiot? Lol. 

CastleJJ's picture

The irony is that DH works in IT and I mean very complex IT, not like Geek Squad level stuff, but BM is narcisstic enough to believe that DH is incompetent and gullible enough to believe its a "glitch." BM always thinks she is so smart and sneaky, but more often than not, she is just an idiot. 

tog redux's picture

Our BM is very much like yours.  DH and I were just joking about a manifesto that she once sent that said, "Pick-up time is at 3 pm. Not 2:59. Not 3:01." 

We love to quote her crazy now that we don't have to deal with it anymore, lol. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

I would of been like I arrive at 2:59 pm to prepare myself to deal with your crazy ass.... JK that wouldn't help anything, but it is amusing to think that

tog redux's picture

Not kidding, he was once 5 minutes late in a BLIZZARD, and she brought it up in court. They asked why she felt she had to be so rigid about the time, and she said, "well, I have things to do!" Meanwhile SS was old enough to be home alone if she wasn't there. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

that is hilarious. It is just mind blowing the things they come up with!

Thumper's picture

ohhhhhhhhh I see,

Since sd is living with her 'custodial parent' at BM's, then BM wont need child support anymore from your dh. Right??? 

*I am being very sarcastic*

It had to be some bitter ex wife at sd school who made those asinine paper work rules. To upset ncp's.  

Sorry you are dealing with this now. It is always something. 



NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

DH and I had a discussion about this yesterday and he thinks that BM thought since she had primary physicaly custody that she didn't need to consult DH on things and/or she didn't think DH would be holding her to the CO, she thought she could just make all the decisions for SD herself and that is the opposite of true.

Probably! It is what it is, just learned to not get bothered by it all, BM will never change for the better so nothing to get mad about anymore