Phone, Name Calling, SD's Sister, etc.
Yesterday, a lot of information was discovered between talking with SD and SD's phone. While driving with SD, SD brought up her sister and basically it came out that SD and SD's sister believe that DH is both of their dads, but that SD doesn't know why the sister doesn't come here with her to see us. In a very age appropriate way, I explained that DH is SD's father, but he is not SD's sister's father. Which then lead to SD asking who the sister's father was, I said she needed to ask her mom because I don't know. Then SD said "how does no one know who her daddy is?" Which I repeated she would need to ask her mother because I don't want to tell her things that aren't true because I don't know. I also explained that if DH was sister's dad then she would come with SD to see us, but because DH is not, SD just comes to see her dad.
SD's phone we have discovered that BM has this "Net Nanny" app block photos, contacts, and basically anything that could give information away except messages, phone calls, and games. Because SD's phone had tabs open though from before she came I saw that step dad set it up that he gets notified if SD's phone leaves a 200 mile radius of our house and when it returns to that radius.
So we decided to buy SD a tracfone yesterday because in the CO this is what it says:
Each parent shall be entitled to telephone, skype, or other form of electronic access to the Child at reasonable times and hours when she is with the other parent. The Child shall also have reasonable telephonic and electronic access to her sister when they are separated. In order to facilitate this communication, the parties agree either party may provide the Child with a cell phone or other electronic communication device and the other will not unreasonably withold it from the child."
There is no way in HELL SD is using the phone that she brought her with all these parental controls and tracking, etc. DH and I figured a loop hole in being in contempt of that order would be for DH to provide a phone when SD is with us that is in our control, but still allows access.
DH has not said a word to BM yet on making SD call DH by his first name at her house or about the phone. We are really on the fence about saying anything to BM about the first name thing and are instead thinking about notifying the therapist. DH and I are concerned that in bringing it up to BM that SD will be punished at her home for telling us and then eventually won't tell us anything because of fear of BM and step dad. Later in the week or this weekend, DH will notify BM about the phone thing. DH thinks he is just going to say he wanted to get her a phone for here and doesn't want to mention us knowing about all the parental controls, but I am on the fence about it because I would like it documented in the CO app. Basically BM has no idea we know any of this so we are sitting on it until we figure out the best course of action.
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My brain isn't clicking on
My brain isn't clicking on all cylinders today. Are y'all thinking the Tracfone is used only when she is at your house? She uses the other phone when she's with BM?
Yes, the TracFone will stay
Yes, the TracFone will stay with OP and her DH for SD to use when she visits and SD can use BM's locked up phone at BM's.
Thank you! Some days there
Thank you! Some days there just isn't enough coffee to wake up my brain.
Haha, you're okay!
But yes, exactly! When SD is here she will us the tracfone and when she is at BM's she can use the phone BM bought her.
Outstanding....
Outstanding....
You and I have already
You and I have already discussed this but I'll post for the good of the group and to gain any additional feedback I may not have considered.
Don't tell BM that you know about the name calling issue. SD is telling you this information in confidence and BM is going to punish SD and continue the behavior anyway if you call her on it. It won't change the outcome. I recommend dealing with SD directly on this issue. Make your home the safe home, where she feels comfortable sharing her concerns. Work through that confusion with her to a point. Correct any misinformation she has received. If SD seems overly concerned about anything that can't be resolved, reach out to her therapist.
I would bring up the phone issue with BM and call a spade a spade. I would state that it appears BM installed GPS tracking and parental controls to SD's phone, and therefore, DH is no longer comfortable with SD using that phone during his visitation as it is intrusive on his parenting time. I would tell BM that DH bought SD a phone to use during his visitation to remain compliant with the CO and provide BM with the phone number. No need to justify how you came across the tracking apps or parental controls, no need to justify anything. Just outline that you found this, you did this, and here is what BM needs to know about it.
This, this, this!
All day long, especially about the phone notification. Be truthful and factual.....and be done. I love the wording CastleJJ provided you.
And definitely "no" to saying anything about DH's name issues at the BMs home. That would not be beneficial in any way, especially to your SD.
SD and SD's sister believe
Did BM ever get the birth certificate changed for Sister?
NOPE
Basically we have come to the realization unless we do something to force her hand, she will never do it. We have talked to lawyers in the state the rights were taken away and in the state BM currently lives which is also the same state the sister was born in. Both say they aren't sure which state it would be and whichever state we filed in, has a possibility of being thrown out to be filed in the other.
In the end... this is going
In the end... this is going to be an issue that will keep being a point of confusion for the kids.. It's kind of heartbreaking to think that the other little girl thinks that your DH is her dad still and doesn't see her. as the girls both get older.. of course your DH can continue to give the plain truth.. "I am your father.. not your sister's father.. I don't know who her father is.. she would have to ask your mom" depending on how to the mat bm wants to go.. she will probably trot out that BC but your DH can as the girl gets older give a slightly more clear picture. When your sister was born, I thought I was the father, when your mom and I split, we discovered that I was not. Your mom was supposed to have that paperwork changed.. but I am really not her father"
Oh for sure!
It is totally heartbreaking. All BM is doing is hurting and confusing her children for what? To try and hurt DH? The people she is hurting the most are the ones she claims she would do anything to help.
I think that is the best approach just repeat what I told her yesterday, it is the truth at an age appropriate level. We have all the documentation of BM requesting the dna testing, DH's lawyer filing to prevent the dna testing, and then the actual dna results. So when old enough, more than happy and able to show the information.
Parental controls will likely be cheered by the courts.
I would suggest that it not be brought up at all and you just go with a phone she has with you, and one she has with BM.
As soon as she arrives at your home, turn off the BM phone. No need to let StepDad cyber stalk where your family is during your visitation time with the SD.
Regarding the "DH is not that baby's daddy" situation that confuses your SD.... Go with the facts.
My SS-30 was kept abreast of the facts. What a BioDad is, what a StepDad is, what a real dad is, that just because a kid is the brother or sister does not mean that they have the same mother or father as the Skid.
As for the official records... I would have DH file contempt motions against BM in both states until BM gets the paternity records corrected.
Even parental controls that are used only to keep track
of us during our time?
Oh, the phone is off and put away and not being turned on until we get to the airport. The phone has never left our house. Each time it goes from the airport, to our home, and there it stays until the airport again. I just LOVE how they are basically trying to catch us taking SD somewhere overnight by the 200 mile notifications of when we leave that radius and re-enter it when they don't tell us SD is staying anywhere else unless we are requesting to call on that day, and we notified them of our beach trip 5 weeks in advance.
They just think they are smarter than us and definitely are not
Some things are not worth the angst to deal with. Their cyber
stalking via SD's mobile phone is one of those that may be irritating, but in the relative scheme of things is not a hill worth climbing much less a hill worth dying on. IMHO.
Neglect, abuse, PAS, lying to the Skid, bad mouthing the other parent to the kid, deviating from the CO, etc.... may be worth addressing.
We certainly did. However, we dealt with it mostly by forcing compliance to the letter of the CO by the SpermClan, and keeping SS-30 fully abreast of the facts in an age appropriate manner as he grew up. This can certainly force a kid to grow up regarding certain issues much faster than we would have liked, but... we chose to arm him with the facts so he could temper the toxic manipulations and the lies that his SpermClan spouted while SS was on SpermLand visitation during the 16+ years he/we lived under the CO.
As it has turned out, he has had to not only protect himself from them using those facts as he grew up under the CO, he has had to beat the snot out of them (figuratively of course) as an adult. Toxic manipulators don't just stop being toxic manipulators once a kid ages out from under a CO. They knew better than to try him as an adult. However, they still will engage their stupid and give it a shot every once in a while. It never goes well for them when they try it. SS-30 is not one to tolerate their crap any more than his mom or I were when he was a kid.
I am of two minds with the
I am of two minds with the parental controls.. on the one hand.. it's absolutely reasonable for them to put limits on a young child's phone.. they may even have that radius limit to kick in if she were abducted.. who knows.. limiting what she can access? maybe there is stuff they don't want her to see.. maybe it is stuff they don't want you seeing.. that's a toss up.
But, I also get that you don't want them watching you move about. What I would probably do is allow her to have access to the phone when you are at home in a reasonably supervised setting. I would leave the phone at home otherwise.. wouldn't want it to get lost now would we?
This is exactly what I was
This is exactly what I was going to say. Even if you "know" that the parental controls and tracking were intended to spy on you and not to protect SD, there isn't any way to prove it. No judge would bat an eye at a parent installing those things on a phone that their child has possession of. Documenting your knowledge and objection to it in OFW would, in my opinion, appear paranoid and petty.
I think the solution you came up with is perfect, and the only communication required is "This is the number that SD can be reached at while she's here. Please continue to contact me directly to schedule calls when it is convenient for everyone." And then just leave the phone from BM's turned off until you arrive at the airport, at which time you can send a message stating that SD is enroute and can now be reached at the phone number from BM.
If for any reason you're questioned about why you didn't want SD to keep/use the phone from BM's for the duration of her visit, I think it would be perfectly reasonable and justifiable to say that you don't approve of her having internet access or screentime/playing roblox when the intent of her visits is for her to spend time with her family and you decided a simple phone that only makes calls and texts was the best solution.
It just is not going to go anywhere
the CO says exactly that either parent could provide a phone, it does not state anything against us providing a phone for SD when here even if BM already provided one. That was the best solution we could come up with that has us follow the CO, but also not have to use the tracking phone BM sent SD with.
I was thinking that, because we don't allow Roblox and it is actually stated in previous conversations that we don't approve of it. Plus exactly, the phone isn't for entertainment when here. If BM wants SD entertained by a phone on her time, that is her prerogative.
I wonder if BM has planted a
I wonder if BM has planted a seed that DH stopped being Sister's dad because he's mean, or he doesn't like Sister, or something. Hopefully SD understands that DH is not going to stop being her dad under any circumstances.
Definitely agree, I told SD that yesterday and DH is
planning on having a conversation with SD this week or weekend about it. Plus we are sending an email to the therapist. In our original email about SD's history we included information about sister and concern on the topic of what SD knows or thinks.
I think you could just let SD
I think you could just let SD use the phone at your house, then leave the phone at your house when you go places. Bore them to death thinking you guys sit at home all day. Let them feel all smug thinking SD is bored at home all the time. When they finally find out the truth, they can be all mad, but SD doesn't need to take a phone with her to day camp, or to the public pool or library or store or wherever anyway. A 6-year-old doesn't need to be bound to a phone all the time.