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O/T - How to handle this situation

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Tomorrow is DH's best friend's birthday and he is basically DH's family. DH doesn't have a relationship with majority of his family because they are toxic so FIL and DH's best friend are basically it. We send Christmas cards to his aunt and uncle too, but that is about all. Anyway, DH told best friend we would take him out to dinner this weekend for his birthday and asked where he would want to go. At first best friend wanted to go to a $ place and we were like okay cool, what time? Then his friend replies and says, nevermind lets go to a $$$ place. DH and I aren't trying to be cheap, but also weren't trying to take him to a place that the cheapest entree is $40, but most are in the $50 - $60 range. His girlfriend will also be coming so we are going to pay for her meal too. Just rather pick a $$ place, not somewhere that DH and I would go alone for a special occasion or a nice romantic dinner out. 

Other than suggesting a different restaurant how do you politely handle this?

Also, two years ago for DH's birthday, the best friend took us out to dinner for DH's birthday and the best friend paid for both of us. The best friend however picked the place, actually is a place DH doesn't really like and the bill for both of us was max $60. Again, not trying to be cheap assholes, but also not interested in paying like $200 for him and his gf for dinner either. DH was trying to be nice by letting him pick the place, but I thought it might backfire and here we are.

Comments

Livingoutloud's picture

The only polite way to handle it is to take this guy to a restaurant of his choice because he was given a choice. I think all other ways would be impolite. I think if you have a budget in mind, then you want to be careful giving people this choice. On the other hand if it's completely not affordable, maybe it's ok to say that it's out of your price range 

Honestly id personaly just take him and maybe not offer next time if he makes expensive choices 

 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Would pick somewhere like that after saying we will take him out to dinner. My DH doesn't always think things through, he just wants to be nice and let him pick, but then ends up being taken advantage of. 
 

It's not completely unafforadable, just to me a bit rude in my opinion to assume picking a place like that, in my personal opinion. At the same time, don't want to come off rude either when DH did give him the choice.
 

AllIsFairInLoveAndWar's picture

I would just tell the bestfriend that that resturant is a bit out of the price range you had in mind, even apologize for not being more specific when you asked. That way the blame falls on you for not being specific instead of on them for picking somewhere a little exta. 
Also Im new here, what does DH stand for? Im so confused. I get the BM is Bio mom, SS is step son, SD is step daughter and BD is bio dad. The only thing I can think of for DH is dad/husband but that doesnt seem right. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Welcome! So DH stands for Dear Husband. If you search on this site there's a couple blog posts doing all the abbreviations that are used on here.

StepUltimate's picture

Dear Husband or D*ck Head, depends. 

Biggrin

Stepdrama2020's picture

DH to best friend "change of plans, its a surprise. We will pick you up at xyz time"

Then take him to a restraunt that you can afford. Maybe a place where y'all had fun together before and say "this place has so many dang great memories for us all so Happy Birthday " Or it can be at your house...

something like this might work. Make it look like you planned this with effort, which counts way more than a fancy eats. Its a birthday surprise   ;)

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Again, not trying to be a snob, but not really wanting to spend $300+ dollars on dinner for the four of us. Especially when his friend said he was gonna take DH out to dinner this year for his birthday, but did not. I booked and paid for a pontoon boat for the day on the river for my DH's 30th, the friend didn't bring a gift either. Again, he said he was gonna take him out and had a gift on the way in the mail for DH and he didn't. The year he did take DH out for his birthday wasn't even a restaurant DH likes and it is 1/3 of the price of the place he wants us to take him for his birthday.

I like his friend, but he has like no manners. We've had them over for dinner so many times, never had them bring anything or do anything just show up. We have never had dinner at their place. At most, one time they picked up Chinese for everyone and brought it to our house before doing an escape room we had planned. We got them a house warming gift, birthday gifts for the friend, brought him back something from our trips, etc. So to me it ruffles my feathers a bit when picking an expensive dinner place that he wouldn't even pick if the four of us were going out and splitting the bill, he picks it when we said we were buying dinner.

 

I just really don't like when people say they have done something or are going to do something and then they don't. I would rather you just don't say anything at all then. Like he has said oh we got something for SD's birthday, not that they have to, but then they never brought her anything. Luckily didn't tell SD only told us so she doesn't know, but if you know you won't follow through don't tell people. 

justmakingthebest's picture

I agree that it's rude to pick a restaurant that is highly priced when someone else is paying but that can happen with that kind of offer. 

Your only real options are just going and sucking it up or telling him that that place is just out of budget and offer some more reasonable suggestions. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Applebees, which we were like really? To each other because he could of chosen something different to DH asking what time and which location and his friend then sending the link to this expensive steakhouse and asking how that works... DH hasn't replied yet.

We have gone out with them probably like 20 times or more in 2022 (9 out of 10 times, their idea), he never gets his own food, always splits with his girlfriend when they are paying, but when they went out to eat with us and my parents when they were in town, they both got almost $40 entrees because they knew someone else was paying ... so it just rubs me wrong. 

Cover1W's picture

I would be honest with him, let him know that the place he's chosen is a little out of your price range and your DH wasn't expecting that choice. Then maybe tell him that you'll be happy to pay for dinner and drinks, but if he could cover the tip it would help and you could all still go.  ??

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

went out with my parents when they were in town and both of them got the most expensive item on the menu. The most expensive item on the menu here is $125 and a couple just below that. When we have gone out with them this past year after going out with my parents, who paid for the whole dinner btw, DH wanted to pay, but my dad wouldn't let him, they split something cheap on the menu and never get their own food. It isn't even DH and my idea to go out to eat, it is theirs, but then end up splitting no matter where we go. The occasion we invited them to dinner with my family was one of maybe 3 times they got their own meals. 

I mean we could go and they don't pick that choice and I wouldn't have a problem, but I will have a problem if we go and they both order a $125 entree or an $80 entree. So it is like you can't say we will take you here, but don't order those options, that is even more rude.

To DH and I, something over $50 an entree is like an anniversary dinner or valentine's day or something romantic like that, not for your friend and his wife taking you out for your birthday. I mean they know we are saving up for a house, we still rent, it isn't like we are oozing of money and you think, ah no big deal.

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

then either say to not order the most expensive items on the menu or being silently annoyed that they do order the most expensive items. 

I am leaning towards DH just saying I thought you wanted the original choice and seeing what he says back to that.

ESMOD's picture

I kind of waffle between..

"suck it up and lesson driven home".. now you know this guy is going to take advantage and be boorish at each and every turn.. so in the future? he gets no choice in deciding.. and I would not be having him tag along when others will be footing the bill.. knowing he doesn't know enough to be polite and order off the middle off the menu.

and.. honesty.

Hey.. that place is a little pricier than I had in mind.. what about X or Y (insert two places a bit nicer than applebees but not Ruth Chris either). 

to deflection

Hey man.. I didn't realize but the wife had plans to cook this fantastic seafood boil (or other treat of a dish) at home for you guys for your birthday.. Let's plan for 5:30 saturday.

You could also go.. and be very pointed about ordering water to drink and a cheap salad or appetizer and when he asks.. you can say.. "well.. my man.. I have to keep the tab within my budget".. might make him think about his top of the menu choices.

also.. could his GF be the one that suggested the more expensive place?  that's why he came back with a change?.. if it seems like she is maybe the gold digger.. he could level with his friend that if they still want to go to expensive steak house.. that's fine.. but you will only be picking up his meal.. GF will need to pay for her own.  Just want to give you a heads up buddy.. she needs to bring her wallet.

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

answer this on the computer instead of on my phone, haha. I agree with the being torn because a big part of me is like well DH offered to take him where he wanted to go so we should suck it up. The honesty I agree, but also don't want to make him feel bad. Part of me wants to be like I thought you wanted the ribs from applebees? Because originally that is what he said and see what he responds. 

With the GF, it is VERY weird. So they both work night shift, so total opposite schedules of DH and I, plus they work Tuesday - Saturday. So lately we have been on Monday nights going and shooting pool and getting food out at one of two places. The last couple of weeks we have been going to the dive bar they suggested as they have more pool tables and cheap bar food. The friend has either been ordering the cheapest thing on the menu a $5 quesdilla OR he tells his GF he is going to split her food with her. After he pays for that, then when his GF opens a tab at the bar for some drinks, then he orders more food on her tab... So he has been being super cheap on paying for food, etc. with his money and been having his GF pay for things. They moved in together and we don't know if they split rent or like he pays for it and she is supposed to pay for extras, we have not a clue. We have done some escape rooms in the last couple of months too and she has been paying for the tickets, etc. Again, all of these things have mostly been their ideas, so it is not like we are encouraging them to spend money and it is breaking the bank. We have suggested more budget friendly options as we are 1. trying to eat really healthy, 2. trying to save money for a house. 

We are going to see what their plans are for thanksgiving this weekend and if we host them probably going to be asking them to bring a side and a dessert so it doesn't totally fall on us again for everything food related and is quite normal at least how I grew up when hosting holidays.

CLove's picture

Seems like this person has a tendency to be a "taker" type.

Id be honest. And further down the road dont take him on dinners your parents are paying for. MY lesson I just learned - SD SMPS when my parents take us out or I take us out, she always orders an expensive meal "just to try it", doesnt really like it and then doesnt eat it.

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

And an only child, who's parents never got remarried and he got/did whatever he wanted. 
 

With my parents it was that both his friend wanted to meet my parents and my parents wanted to meet him. Originally we were going to have them over and I was going to cook, but our place was tight with people, plus Christmas tree, etc. so we decided to go out instead. DH and I were planning on footing the bill, but then the waitress decided since my dad and DH were disagreeing to flip a coin, which my dad won. Actually really irritated my DH since at first she took his card, then decided a half hour later to coin toss for it. My parents live on the other side of the country so definitely easy to avoid and hopefully we will have a house this spring so instead will just cook and have them over when they visit next time. 
 

Yeah that is frustrating. I was raised to order from the middle menu unless it was like my birthday then I could get whatever I wanted. I mean my dad when going out with him always orders appetizers too so there's always tons of food. Basically to be conscious of what you are ordering especially when you aren't paying for it.
 

 

Kaylee's picture

Honesty is the best policy as the saying goes...

Tell the friend politely but firmly that the place he chose is out of your price range.

BTW, what entree costs 50.00??? That's the price of an expensive main course over here..

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

That for a special occasion and it's about the experience too. However, on a typical, unless it's hibachi or steakhouse go for places where entrees are under $30 an entree.

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Bone in tomahawk rib eye with two sides is $125. Their surf & turf is $80 and so on

Winterglow's picture

I think we have a vocabulary problem here. In the US, an entree IS a main course (I'm assuming that for you it's true to the original French and is a starter, right?). 

Kaylee's picture

It makes me laugh how some people just blatantly do this kind of thing....order the priciest thing off the menu when someone else is paying..

I meant that tongue in cheek.... it's not funny, it's very rude and grasping. 

I actually hate other people paying for me. It makes me feel uncomfortable. If it's an occasion where someone has insisted that it's their "shout" I would order just one course, and definitely not the most expensive item on the menu!

ESMOD's picture

I actually hate getting hosted too.. I would much rather just pick what I want.. and pay for it myself.. vs order something cheaper I don't want.

And.. it sucks being the only woman at business lunches and dinners.. you always are asked to order first.. and I'm never sure whether it's ok to order salad or an app.. or a drink.. like what are yall doing?  so I always err on the side of being conservative in my choice.. even if it means.. I pass up a dish I would much rather have.  Sometimes I try to do the "oooh.. someone else go first.. I'm still deciding".. but at business things.. I don't want to make a huge deal of it all.

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Actually DH hates it even more than me. He had to learn to let go a bit when it came to my parents however. Especially going from living 3 hours away from them (before traffic) to being all the way across the country. If there is ever a situation where someone pays for us, even my parents, it is paid forward somehow. So with my parents, we went out a few nights later to a seafood restaurant because that was the one thing my dad said ahead he wanted to do, we paid that bill and I bought tickets for some activites ahead and refused to tell them how much they were or take money for them. Or with friends someone bought take out or something for everyone, then the next time we did, etc. 

DH likes to call being hosted or even going and staying at families sometimes as being restrictive because he doesn't want to step on anyone's toes, he doesn't get to decide things, etc. so he feels like he tip toes instead of having the freedom to order what he wants off the menu, etc.

Kaylee's picture

Ok so as Winterglow said, this was a vocab issue. 

In NZ the entree is the starter or appetizer course and the main course is just called "main". 

I was gobsmacked trying to imagine an entree worth 50.00 hahahaha!

ESMOD's picture

A nice steak house often serves their cuts "ala carte"... you order a cut of meat.. then sides are extra.  I recently was at a steak house where my bottom of the menu filet was $75 dollars.. before any sides.. (I was being hosted at a business meeting).. Ruth Chris and that level.. not unusual for the steak alone to top 50 dollars.. and if you go for the fancy japanese grades.. much.. much higher.

it sounds like a steak restaurant.. which easily could be more.. 

DPW's picture

I think you're kind of stuck for this one but going forward, I would refuse to entertain solely on my dime. If anything, due to them being moochers, I would probably put some distance between us. I don't like moochers and users. 

justmakingthebest's picture

My new receptionist called out for like 20th time in 2 months. She thinks she has the flu....

Maybe you could cancel for illness that night and then when you call to reschedule YOU decide the restaurant. A few days after his birthday:  "Hey ____, are you available next weekend for a make-up bday dinner? I got us reservations at ____!"

Kaylee's picture

This thread is worthless without pictures! LOL.

I want to see a picture of any steak main worth 75.00, let alone 125.00. 

Yikes!!! Are you getting half the beast on your plate?