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Looking back

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

This is futurestepmomnowstepgf's new profile since that username is no longer applicable to me. Since we have had SD for spring break, I have been able to see how far my DH has come on being parent versus when I first met him. I never really posted venting about DH's parenting because unlike many users on here when I have discussed parenting with DH, he responded positively and if a change needs to be made, he actually made it.

When I first met DH, it was not that he was a bad parent by any means, BUT he definitely was more of a disney dad and an enabler than being the parent young children need. For those of you who do not know, BM has 2 children, the oldest she lead DH on to believe was his biological child for 3 years until DH served her divorce papers. This child was 3 almost 4 when I came into the picture and DH did EVERYTHING for her and SD was about to turn 2 at the time. Now one big thing to note is SD is a very good natured, well behaved, sweet, loving child, always has been, but BM's older child on the other hand has a lot of behavior problems and during the last year that DH was a part of this child's life before his rights were taken away from the child, things were really bad and concerning. When this child was 4, she would refuse to dress or undress herself about 95% of the time would scream and cry instead, anything that did not go her way she would scream or cry, refused to eat if it was not something she wanted to eat, was not cleaning herself in the bath, meltdown at bed time almost every night, tried to get DH to wipe her on the toilet, etc. the list goes on. On top of all that, DH every time going to the store would buy the children a toy and the second you stepped foot in the store the child would demand a new toy. Let's just say a couple months in of me being in the picture I told DH that a toy does not need to be bought every trip to the store, a 4 year old has the ability to dress/undress themself, a 4 year old can learn to wash their body and always wipe themselves on the toilet, etc. DH took what I said seriously which resulted in LOTS of meltdowns in the mornings about getting dressed, when at the store and being told she was not getting a toy, basically stopped letting the child run the household and the new normal was not received well.

Now SD is 4 going on 5, SD dresses and undresses herself, puts her clothes in the hamper, brushes her hair, washes her body herself with supervision in the bath tub, does not ask for a toy when we go to the store, etc. total opposite to how things were almost 3 years ago with BM's older child. Yes the children are totally different, there were other things going on at the time that were definitely stressors, but ultimately DH's parenting has much improved. Luckily for me, DH listened and most of the time did not get defensive or if he did would later realize it and apologize, so our relationship progressed. I can tell you all that if I couldn't see DH trying to make these improvements, there would not of been a relationship for long.

I used the word concerning in regards to BM's older child because again I don't think I posted about this much either, but she would talk about blood, dying, told DH she would cut him up like chicken, according to BM the child's counselor said she was showing signs of sexual abuse which never has happened on our watch, the child told the counselor that DH beat her with a golden spoon when we didn't even own a golden spoon let alone were not beating her, was becoming violent with SD, etc. We went to the zoo this past weekend and on the car ride while SD was sleeping we had a good talk about all the things that were happening at the end with BM's older child. How after his rights were taken away, SD's new teacher was BM's older child's teacher, and told DH how they were about to call someone because of things the child said and drew were very concerning and dark. DH obviously is still grieving the loss of this child and is so angry about all that happened, but he can understand why when his rights were taken I did not support going to a lower court to fight for his rights back. Now that we are talking about trying for a baby within the next year that it would of been very concerning having that sort of environment and how it is probably also good for SD to get a break from all that too.

Based on what we have seen, heard, etc. it very much appears that SD is put on the back burner in that household which I will admit sometimes happened to SD in ours when DH had both children because there is so much with the older child and dealing with her behavior. When I came into the picture I very much tried to give SD more attention etc. because of all the attention that the older child got, usually not because of something positive either. I really hope BM gets that child the help she needs and tries to do right by her since BM has not done so in the past.

In summary of this very long post, I am very pleased with the changes DH has made and the strides we have made in our relationship together, especially on the parenting front. I am very confident now about having children with DH and that we for the most part will be on the same page in regards to parenting. Anyways, just thought I would share a reflection post with you all to start off with my new profile.

Comments

JRI's picture

Sounds like you two have been thru a lot.   I'm glad things are smoothing out.  We are all on the roller coaster of life.  I think you're doing the right thing to give SD extra attention since things seem so chaotic at home and I'm sure her needs must take second place there.  Good luck.

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Things are WAY less stressful now that is for sure! Life is a roller coaster even without the step dynamics!

Thank you, it definitely feels good to hear that. The hardest part is to jsut see how it plays out when she gets older, since she is still only 4, you only know what limited she tells you and what you can put together yourself