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It is so tempting to out BM

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Dh and I aren't angry by the meeting about SD this morning, but we are certainly annoyed. DH is definitely more annoyed than I am, specifically about step dad. When I tell you he talked more than BM, DH or I, I am being serious and not at all dramatic. He was trying to make it seem like he is more involved than DH in SD's schooling and health than DH who is not on the otherwise of the country, but on the other side of the world. 
 

He acted as though his medical history of having his tonsils removed makes a difference on SD's tonsils, that he knows that SD writes her letters backwards so he knows she's dyslexic, etc. Like damn, even BM isn't trying to look like the better parent than DH as much as this guy. 
 

It is just so utterly tempting to email him or message him anonymously and let him know BM is cheating on him and also thought she was pregnant with someone else's baby while you were in Japan. BUT I know it isn't any of our business and something I shouldn't do. Should just let him sit there and look dumb by kissing BM's ass about her parenting all the while he is being played HARD. Plus don't want him to leave her then BM start trying to get more money out of DH, get it somehow connected back to us, and/or deal with any of the shenanigans that would happen. There is also SD to consider and it would make her world a mess probably and she doesn't need that. At the same time sounds like he isn't the nicest to SD and a big part of our safety concern revolves around this guy and BM's relationship. It would feel so nice though for at least a moment to just out her, but alas I am not that petty and DH and I are focusing on trying to get pregnant. 

Comments

justmakingthebest's picture

I don't know... seems worthwhile to send that out to me. I am going to PM you with an idea!

The only reason I say to do it, is that you are worried, truly worried not just seeking drama, about SD's safety with this guy. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Yeah, we actually prefer BM to be with someone because when she is there is less drama with her and it would be good for SD and her sister both to have another adult in the house if they are going to be a good influence for SD, but not someone who SD says they are scared of and all this other stuff.

Livingoutloud's picture

I'd not send it from you as they'd just say your want drama, but no harm to do it anonymously. Didn't BM have a man in her bed and SD was filming  her? I'd be tempted to let the guy know. Not that SD was filming  but that BM is seeing men in hotels etc 

oh that wasn't SD filing but her older DD

 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Yes, we have photos of BM in bed with another man that we know is not her DH since they have totally different skin colors. I even have the date of it too because we screenshot the messages and photos before sending SD back. We didn't see a point in screen recording the video of BM a week or so earlier talking on the phone saying how she is worried she is pregnant and hadn't gotten her period, how fucked she is, etc.

Livingoutloud's picture

Where she gets all these men? Unbelievable. 

I don't as much worry about her DH being unsafe around kids as about random men she brings to her bed in front of the kids. 

i normally dislike to get involved in drama with exes but I am tempted in the case like this.  

 

 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

worry for us too! We were very upset when we saw the photos of BM this random guy not her DH with the guy on top of BM in the bed next to SD! The reason we know this is because SD's sister took the photo and you can see SD on the edge of the bed the sister is in and the guy and BM in the next bed together.

We definitely do not want drama, but again it is all about SD's safety and plus also that is not a good role model. SD knows that it is a bad secret. SD's sister gets angry about it as proven with the angry face emoji text and such to BM along with the photo. It is not setting a good example at all in addition to being a safety concern.

Dogmom1321's picture

I would definitely be tempted since you have the evidence! We had a similar situation with BM. She was constantly cheating on her BF, using him for money, etc. Well, everything came full circle and the BF ended up finding out on his own. Dumped her @ss and ran out of town basically. (2 years later of course.) I'm a firm believer in everyone gets what they deserve. Whether you spill the beans or not.... Eventually this dude will find out. And you'll be able to sit back and watch BM implode. Update us on what you decide to do!

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

share the evidence we have because then it outs it as being us. Who else would have screenshots of BM's children's phone? 

I made a fake linkedin with the name being "Bmischeating" and made a gmail with the fake name. I thought I could message him without being friends on Linkedin, but I can't. So I need to request to connect with him to contact him. I am really really temped for all the reasons discussed on here. The hard part is I don't necessarily want to tell my DH because we are trying to not discuss those sorts of topics unless absolutely necessary, just trying to cleanse that from our life and focus on trying to get pregnant. However, DH and I don't keep secrets from each other. So that is my current struggle.

**EDIT: I can share a personal note when requesting to connect with him.

advice.only2's picture

So back when Meth Mouth was an issue in my life I had so many wants to do things to get her busted even more.   I even did some internet hacking and found a plethora of stuff that we could have used against her.  In the end I realized I was spending way too much time giving that piece of garbage any of my head space.  Time has caught up with the Meth addict and she is not a happy person, nor does she have a good life.  Personally watching her utterly destroy her own self with no involvement from others has given me the satisfaction I craved.  I understand you want to do this, but for all you know this dude couldn't care less.  Or it could cause major problems that get taken out on SD.  Sometimes it’s better to just let the idiots keep pulling their own rope until they have enough to hang.

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Based on what SD has said, it seems like he would definitely care. But like I said in my post and you said too, I don't want SD to be the one that suffers because of her being outted. I haven't thought about it since CPS said that the case was unfounded until today while he was kissing BM's ass in the meeting and trying to sound like a better parent and more invovled than DH. That made me just think to myself, meanwhile if only you knew that you were being cheated on. 

Also wish for my DH's sake that someone had told him back when BM was definitely cheating and got pregnant with another man's child while he was deployed. She had cheated so soon after he left that she was able to manipulate him into thinking that it was his baby just that the baby was late and after her due date. 

Rags's picture

Though it is noble to think about them not taking things out on the Skids if we avoid drama, they already take their shit lives out on the Skids.

My DW followed the avoid calling them out on their shit philosophy for a number of years.  Her motivation was that if she did as they wanted, SS's visitation experiences would be pleasant.   
 

I was finally able to get her to recognize that they were taking their shit lives  out on the kid while he was on SpetmLand visitation as it was.  Once she gained clarity it was game on.

They did exactly as the CO stipulated, and even more importantly, exactly as they were told, or they suffered.

SS saw their crap while on visitation, and he saw his mom and I setting an example of quality lives, a quality marriage, strong work ethics, and actively protecting him when they pulled their shit.

He saw this from 2yo on.  He will be 30 this year and he is kicking ass in life.   His three younger also out of wedlock  Spermidiot spawned half sibs are crashing and burning.  Destitution, prison, drugs, etc.   Even SpermGrandHag finally recognizes that my son was raised well while the other three, that she raised for her POS son, represent abject failures in parenting.

Hold the toxic opposition accountabile.  It is best for the Skids.  Regardless how difficult it may be.

IMHO of course.

 

CastleJJ's picture

BM's GF used to (and still does) that to us too. In every meeting, parent teacher conference, conversation, etc. GF would always talk too much or butt in where it wasn't appropriate. I've always thought it was a mix of two things: one, insecurity, and two, trying to assert control and position. GF was trying to assert herself as BM's GF and a "parent" to SS because she was the newest to the dynamic, where I had been with DH for years at this point and DH is obviously SS' Dad. Plus, BM gave GF that power/control because BM hates DH and wanted him out of the picture all along, so now GF is the new "Daddy" so to speak, so it increased GF's confidence to speak. Plus, I'm sure BM told GF that DH is deadbeat so GF felt like she was a better replacement and knew more about SS than DH. 

I remember when BM told us she was moving out of state with SS (which we already knew because SS had told us). BM requested that we sit in her living room to chat and GF was already sitting there on Skype on a chair waiting for us. We had never seen nor met this woman before because her and BM were in a long-distance relationship for only a year at this point. We had a long "meeting" to discuss specifics regarding visitation if BM moved and we inquired about scheduling so SS could attend DH and I's wedding. BM mentioned that she didn't want SS attending due to BIL (who BM falsely accused of sexual misconduct when SS was a baby; which is a story for another time). DH rebutted BM and GF stepped in saying "You have to understand DH, we are just concerned about our son's safety." Oh I thought DH was going to blow a cork. DH made it clear to GF that SS was not *her* son. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

responded to our email saying we cannot have separate meetings for this specific type of meeting because it is supposed to be done in "one team." We can continue having separate conferences with SD's teacher, but cannot be done on this topic. She said "I understand your perspective of not wanting to come across as confrontational, but rest assured your information is an important part of what needs to be discussed. We fully understand that children will behave differently in different environments.  Many factors contribute to this.  I am happy to note that in future discussions to help bridge the discussion." 

So that will be good for the meeting we have coming up in May. 

In regards to my question regarding SD's learning she said "The determination of a learning disability is the result of a separate process involving several evaluations.  At this point, her attendance, health concern, and tiredness in school are issues that would need to be addressed to help get better information. Support at home is valuable as well."

She also responded to other points of our email, but I feel that our information was valued and heard so that is good. Not looking forward to May's meeting and doing this all over again, but at least the assistant principal specifically said she will help bridge the discussion next time and later said she made a note to make sure that there is more of an opportunity to gather information on SD when in our home. 

So we shall see how the next meeting goes, but at least everyone else on that meeting is aware of the situation who might not of been prior and they have both sides of it, not just step dad and BM's situation. 

Just blew my mind like dude you are in Japan and have been for a while, you don't need to be talking more than the bio parents.

 

CastleJJ's picture

The best part is that BM's husband showed his true colors, so the school knows now. So maybe at the meeting in May, the staff will encourage you and DH to speak more and they may redirect the step-dad to stop talking. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

We will just have to wait and see. We will have SD for spring break for 9 days in two weeks. Her next report comes out during that time frame too, so will have input to share in May when that meeting happens. 
 

Thumper's picture

I would NOT out bm. 

Life has a way of dealing with things and people like this. It may not be in the manner of which we would think it would be. Just sit back and watch. 

*It is one thing if you are asked about information you can prove. Thats different. That is not outing anyone, it's being truthful*

 

 

i would not sit in another meeting with bm and her husband. Ask for seperate meetings next time.

 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

they will not do separate meetings it has to be everyone as a "team" so it is either sit out completely and/or sit through it with BM and her DH. The good news for this next one at least is that the assistant principal is now aware of the situation and is supposed to bridge the discussion to make sure we have an opportunity to share our piece and our goal is not to argue or discredit BM.

Rags's picture

The SPermIdiots lawyer excluded witnesses during our court dates so his mommy would not hear of his bullshit.  Somehow.... she got the transcript of every hearing.

Unknw

Winterglow's picture

It's an innocent question :) 

I'm a left-hander and I've been told that writing letters backwards is more common among us. Was just wondering... 

Rags's picture

Lol.  Good to hear.