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Co-Parenting Video Trend

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Anyone else hate the co-parenting video trend that has been going on? I don't even have tik tok, but these videos keep showing up on Facebook. Plus the captions of "when you put your kids first and become a family again, but this time as healthy coparents." Like that is awesome if you can co-parent and get along well, but there a bunch of implications also being made  too. Like we went from the wicked step mother in Cinderella to divorced parents and their spouses need to be besties or you aren't doing it right. 


Yesterdays's picture

Coparenting is great if it works, and if the other person is reasonable. However most of here would find this is not the case. My husbands ex is batsh!t nuts and always acted in her own best interest rather than what was the best for the children and she certainly was horrible as a coparent considering she continually talked negatively about my husband and I to the kids.

On another point, social media.. Blegh... I'm not on it at all. Posts like that are mainly the reason why.

My ex is a good coparent. I feel comfortable talking to him about issues with the kids and we support each other and talk positively about each other. But there is no way in heck I would compile a social media story bragging about it, lmao.  Blum 3

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Great! Even if you do co-parent really well, I don't think you need to be able to dance around with your parent's ex on video to be "putting your children first." You can co-parent amazing and have boundaries. 

I roll my eyes at the videos, but then I'm like great, people on the outside who don't have any experience with step life might start having twisted ideas of what step life really can be like and if you're not like these videos, then the outside perspective on it can be worse than it already is.

Yesterdays's picture

The thought of that video makes me shudder, lol. No friggen way I would dance around with my ex. I will work with him on kids stuff but that is utterly ridiculous!! It's so showy. I guess thats what most of social media is... Like hey look how great I am and how great my life is, (from an outside perspective anyhow..) 

Yesterdays's picture

Omg!!... Lol

Nope. Just nope. 

ESMOD's picture

My real feeling on this is that if everyone could get along so wonderfully.. why on earth did you break up your family?  Stay with that spouse.. raise kids together.. and don't divorce!

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

You can co-parent really well and not be friends, that is not a requirement of co-parenting. Seeming like there is still enmeshment going on that the bio parents made it seem like it's okay to the step parent to still be that close to their ex.

Mominit's picture

My SIL's parents are divorced.  And yet they have NO problem hanging out.  They freely admit they were horrible as a couple, but have managed to stay friends.  One is remarried and has no issues with the three of them getting together at "family" events like Christmas etc.  I fully expect that they'll sit together at future weddings for their son.  Is it unusual - yes!  But there's nothing wrong with it.  They are VERY happy to be friends only. He's happy his ex-wife has found a wonderful man, and the new husband has absolutely NO jealousy becuase it's clear that there's no way on earth the two of them would want to be together again.  Great friends, lousy at marriage.

CajunMom's picture

We do hang out together when it involves the kids. We have shared holidays...sometimes at my home, sometimes at SMs home....Christmas mostly. It's to accomodate our kids. We sat together for all graduation ceremonies and if our kids marry, we will sit together. My ex and I both agree....we were really not soul mates. He met his after me and I met mine after him. Doesn't mean we need to be enemies and hate each other. Our kids have really prospered with how we treat each other respectfully. I love what you said at the end....he and I were lousy at our marriage. 

Winterglow's picture

I only know two divorced couples who successfully co-parented (one of the couples even used the same lawyer... despite the lawyer protesting that she didn't think it was a good idea) and the divorces happened in both cases (this is probably just a coincidence) when the husbands realized they were gay and felt that they were living a lie. In one case, the husband's grandmother told me that their (her grandson and his ex-wife) divorce party was WAY more fun than their wedding!

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

for being able to be positive about it. I feel like some people go through waves of being able to co-parent successfully, but then as kids get older and/or one of the bio parents gets a SO/moves on is when it can go down hill.

A couple of months ago I was with a group of women in my area and one woman is currently going through a divorce. She was saying how her and her were going to keep the house and get an apartment for them to filter in and out of based on who's parenting time it is. She and a couple other people thought this idea was GREAT and internally I was like GOOD LUCK WITH THAT. People who are still married have issues with how their spouses clean, don't clean, organize, don't organize, etc. and that isn't even including anything about the children or having a relationship with someone else, etc.

Winterglow's picture

I actually know a couple who did this successfully. The ex-husband was in the military and seldom saw his kids after the divorce and when he did it was only for a couple of weeks at a time so BM and SD would leave the house to him and the kids while he was there ... and it worked. They did all they could to facilitate visitation and yet ... SD didn't actually meet BD until one of the kids got married. 

ESMOD's picture

I kind of feel this may be one "reason" that is kind of one that might result in a good relationship.. (though there could be the opposite too.. bitterness about being "lied" to about something very central to a relationship).


justmakingthebest's picture

DH made a really good point about those trends- there are residual feelings between the parents. They can deny it all day long but effective and positive co parenting doesn't need to be on social media display, there doesn't need to be joint family vacations, dinners (other than something special like birthday or graduation), there just needs to be respectful communication directly regarding the kids.

Small talk at baseball games and kid swaps that leave everyone feeling positive. It's ok to sit together to cheer the kid on. Chat about the weather, whatever while sitting there but it isn't an actual friendship. It's co-parenting. The kids see you are on the same team- team kid. But that's it. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Personally, even if BM was a great person and a great mom, etc. I wouldn't want to hang out with BM more than the occasions you mentioned. I don't feel any type of way anymore about the fact DH was married to someone else and had a child with her anymore, but I don't want to be friends with anyone my DH was intimate with. Sorry, but no thanks. 

ESMOD's picture

I agree making the best of those awkward situations... making it less stress on the kids is a noble goal.. being able to be civil to the other parties.. when seeing them is inevitable.

But.. planning joint vacations? ughh no.  My husband's Aunt used to go on vacation with her EX and his new wife that he had cheated on her with.. she is a good woman.. and felt it was what was "best for her kids".. (who are all semi messed up in some way or another.. and the grandkids are  My MIL kind of prescribes to this "everything for the kids".. but there is a difference that these people don't get.

It's like the airplane ox mask.. you can't help others if you are not helping yourself first.. put your own mask on.. then help your children.. it's not that you aren't prioritizing your kids.. you are doing what makes you healthy which is long term best for your kids.

Mominit's picture

I posted above - My SILs parents have zero residual feelings for each other.  They are thrilled to be great friends, and the three of them (BD, BM, SD) have a great time any event they all get together at.  There is absolutely NO way they'd want to be together again, but they were friends first and managed to escape as friends still.  It's weird, but nice.

advice.only2's picture

I understand bitterness and resentment at the end of a marriage and being petty and spiteful at first.  The difference is you are watching people who have the ability for growth after the divorce.  Most of the HCBMs we complain about on this site aren’t capable of that.  Meth Mouth and DH actually had a tolerable relationship after the divorce that is largely in part because DH was very easy going and Meth Mouths new husband was friendly with him.  Once she began abusing drugs all that changed, there was no co-parenting or growth, because her brain had literally gone to soup.  She was paranoid and would tell people we were tracking her and recording her with cameras hidden around town.   She used to tell people she allowed DH and her other ex to take the kids because she went on “vacation” and then they never gave them back.  She would talk about how the cops in the town were protecting DH and her other ex by allowing them to keep her kids that they kidnapped.  She would go into court and tell the judge she never signed away her rights, he would remind her the kids were taken from her, and she would argue she only allowed them to be taken for a few days.   Yeah you can’t co-parent with that.  It was funny to me because people would ask “Have you tried just sitting down and talking to her?”  I would ask them “Have you ever tried sitting down and having a rational conversation with a belligerent drunk person? No? Well then there is your answer, except it’s not alcohol it’s meth.”

Rags's picture

The one big happy broken failed prior family thing... is bullshit. Far more often than not.

If they could parent effectively they would likely never divorced.

This is just more woke fantasy adled brain shit.

I applaud the rare specimens who can do it legitimately. Unfortunately, most of these things are far from passing the smell test.

If I had sullied my gene poll with my cheating X, There would have been zero chance of coparenting successfully. I would have done whatever it took to keep my kids the hell away from her and her entire felonious embezzling POS family.

We fairly successfully kept the SpermClan at bay and protected SS from their crap enough that he successfully launched and has them firmly in their place at the fringes of his life.  Though not embezzlers, they did facilitate the long and prolific statutory rape/underage girl breeding career of the Spermidiot.  

My SS indicates that the Spermidiot (54yo) still cruises shopping malls and approaches teens.   He dresses and does his hair like a young hip-hop wannabe.  SS says the Spermidiot gets all mad when the teen girls laugh at him when he is close enough for them to figure out that his an old F-er.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Remember, you can make money off social media if your story is compelling enough to get a lot of views. Some of the folks online probably do have good co-parenting relationships, but it's going to be hard to differentiate between the "real" ones and the "we want to get something out this" ones.

Also, co-parenting is easy when a SP shuts up and lets their partner and ex run everything, and when you've only been a SP for five minutes. I've noticed that many of the folks who post those videos have SKs who are under the age of 10. Many aren't even married to their partner yet. I'd bet that five years from now most of those relationships have gone belly up, and those that haven't are not buddy-buddy with the ex anymore.

I think most of these folks are mommy bloggers who got divorced but have to keep the mommy blog going. Trashing a SM without receipts is bad for the brand so might as well make the most of the situation.

SeeYouNever's picture

You are probably spot on.

My question is if the videos are monetized I wonder who is the one reaping the benefit probably the BM and is she sharing with her ex and the new SM? Social media is a scourge upon society and I try not to partake in it for more than a few minutes a day. I've actually set timers on my apps to keep myself in check because it's nothing but people trying to sell you one thing or another.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Whoever is doing the posting gets the money. I take these "influencers" with the same grain of salt i take, say, the Kardashians or other reality shows. I bet a lot of it is staged. Hopefully the poor stepmom gets a cut! 

ndc's picture

My DH and his ex have a fairly decent co-parenting relationship. They treat each other respectfully and I don't think they even dislike each other. But they wouldn't pose for a picture together, let alone make a video. They rarely speak, almost never see each other anymore and just communicate by text when required to coordinate or discuss something related to the skids. Early on there was more contact, but it has gotten less and less over time (they haven't been together in 7 years or so). My personal opinion is that too much "togetherness" between exes is confusing to the kids.  Not to mention that neither I nor BM's husband would tolerate it. 

CajunMom's picture

I'll give my thoughts on the trend after my story. 

My ex and I tried multiple counseling techniques. Nothing worked. Our issue wasn't necessarily a bad one...but one I could not live with. So, we divorced. We had a local priest why guided us in co-parenting. First and foremost, communication was always about the kids and we stayed out of each other's personal business. I stayed in the marital home, he got all the land (fair exchange). We had one lawyer; sat at the kitchen table, hashed out community property, decided on CS that would work without bankrupting him, and open visitation. When he wanted to stay days with the kids, I packed a bag and went to a friends. When either of us felt the other parent should know something, we immediately sent the info by phone or email. Major decisions were done jointly unless it was an emergency, then we trusted the other to do the right thing and get info to the other later.

We both had decided to not date for a period after our divorce so doing some "joint" stuff in the earlier days was not difficult (mainly birthday parties and school stuff). We both made the decision that our kids would NOT need to have double celebrations just because their parents could not get along. We chose civility and we both agreed, when we re-coupled, there would be "standards" for our kids to follow. As in no disrespect of the stepparent, follow the rules of each home and if not, punishments would happen at the other home. We had zero issues with our clear expectations, boundaries and consequences put in place. Today, our kids are successful adults, independent and have good relations with all four parents. And all four parents get along. We've attended college and military graduations together, helped move one of the kids together, etc. 

This may be why I had such a hard time in my StepHell. Nothing I mentioned above could have been done with the BM here. I did try...attended a few counseling sessions with BM but quickly saw it wasn't going to work. And the years of hell continued. Thank God I had it good with my ex....I'm not sure I could have managed two high conflict worlds.

Now to the trend. In my humble opinion, this is NOT co-parenting. This is a form of unhealthy enmeshment. I would NEVER go on vacation with my ex and his wife and I like them both. I doubt they'd want to vacation with me and my DH. Co-parenting, in my opinion, is more like a business arrangement. We had these two kids, we can't stay together, so how are we going to successfully raise them to be independent and good human beings without drama and trouble? That's the goal. My ex and I successfully did that. DH and his ex were epic failures and for too long, brought me into their mess. So glad those days are passed.

SeeYouNever's picture

Planning holidays and vacations is some of the more stressful parts of even a normal relationship. If you're trying to plan it with an x that you have a failed relationship with because you can't get along already why would you sign up for these most stressful events?

CajunMom's picture

Not sure if you didn't read the entire comment but my ex and I get along fine as I do with his wife. The "issues" of our marriage were resolved with the divorce. Add a bit more to the mix....I get along great with the SMs kids, too. We had a "military" homecoming for one of our kids that included my ex and his wife, my kids' aunts and cousins from their dad's side, SMs kids (as they are friends with my kids), my family members, along with a host of friends from everyone. 

Divorce didn't mean my kids lost half of their family or we'd hate each other, and I was intent on making sure that didn't happen. We happen to have people in this mix that have common sense and love peace. I know it doesn't (and can't) work for everyone but it works for us. 

SeeYouNever's picture

The whole co-parents and new spouses being BFFs trend is so ick to me. It seems to be an overcorrection from the contentious X's and wicked stepmothers stereotypes. The whole thing seems kind of sister wifey to me too. I have a feeling these people are just polyamorous enjoy the attention more than anything.

The type of person that films their personal life and puts it out on social media for all to see and tries to become an influencer is obviously a narcissist. So when narcissists have children and get into blended families obviously the next step is to try to become an influencer in that sphere.

Just because you see it on TikTok or a reel does not make it real or normal! It just means that the algorithm has figured out how to get views and clicks. Controversy gets attention.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

These people are looking for social media attention. Why not just be civil, communicate what's needed, and let everyone get on with their lives? 

CajunMom's picture

It's what my ex and I did. Civil, communicate what's needed and stay out of each other's business. 20+ years later, we all live in peace and our kids, now adults, thank us for being "different."

Rags's picture

Just the thought is nauseating.


Her three kids are so F-k'd.  Two with one cheat parnter, a third with another cheat partner.

I can not fathom what those three kids have suffered and will likely continue to suffer as adults.

When my DW, SS and I moved to the city my first marriage existed in, we ran into my XILs about a year later at a reastaurant not far from our house.  DW said I went ghost pale when we walked in to be seated.  My XILs were leaving.  My DW took my arm and asked what was wrong. I gave a slight shake to my head, introduced my bride and our son to my XILs, asked my wife to go to our table and I would be in in a minute.

Blessedly I did not have children with their daughter.  That would have been a life long shit storm beyond description.


thinkthrice's picture

Lions and hyenas making videos showing them getting along?


floralsm's picture

The 'bonus mum' reels make me sick. One reel had the step mum hugging the child with 'bio mum' standing there with a hand on her hip. The caption was 'when your bonus son chooses to spend the day with you instead of bio mum' and bio mum is laughing shaking her head as the SM and BM co parent as best friends. Like what the actual eff did I just watch?! It's abnormal and wierd. The comments from people make it even worse that say 'this is co-parenting done right'. Um no it isn't. The father isn't even there so it's definitely not done right. It's just stupid money hungry videos in my opinion. If I started telling the skids to start referring me as 'bonus mum' I might end up on the news as a missing person from BMs plan to have me killed haha.