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Clothing and shoes when on a long distance schedule

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

So having SD for Christmas break will be the longest period of time between seeing SD. We saw her last mid August and we will get her for two weeks. What do you all do for clothing/shoes when you go such long periods of time since seeing the skids and they are too young to tell you what size they are? If we could rely on BM giving accurate information, we would simply just ask BM, but after 4 years of SD ALWAYS showing up in clothing too small and shoes too small, we won't be asking her. SD has only shown up in the right fitting shoes and clothes less than 10 times in 4 years unfortunately. My mom suggested asking the teacher to take a sneak peek at the size of her shirt and pants next month before she comes, but we really don't want to put the teacher in the middle of this.

In the summer, SD fit perfectly a size 5T and the size 6 shirts we had bought for her were a little big, but not too big. We will have SD again for spring break, so really wanted to buy clothing that would fit for both and then we will buy her stuff again for the summer. Do you all lean more towards doing 6T or go for 6x/7? I guess really the clothing I am not as worried about as the shoes. In the past, we would take SD the day after getting her to buy shoes so she could try them on, but as it will be a few days before christmas and we prefer to not deal with all the holiday madness would like to get ahead. I know what size shoe she wore in August and was thinking about going up perhaps 1.5 - 2 sizes? I guess we can buy things and then keep receipts and return if necessary for the shoes, but was just wondering if anyone had any advice on how they go about these issues?

Comments

tog redux's picture

Ask SD on your next phone call - she's 5 now, right? Can she read numbers off of her clothes/shoes?  Tell her you need to let Santa know or something.

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

SD does not recongnize any numbers at all. Even if she could, I still would not trust that the size of the clothing or shoes is actually the right size. People who have seen BM out with SD not just when BM sends SD to us say SD is in clothing and shoes that is definitely too small. We ALWAYS have sent BM back the clothes and shoes she sends SD in so it can't be she is worried she won't get it back. Luckily when BM sent SD on the plane to us, was one of the rare occasions that everything she was wearing fit her. 

DH like 2 years ago messaged something to BM about it because she sent SD in an infant sized item like 24 months when SD was wearing 3T at the time and BM said "well that is what she wanted to wear so I let her wear it." ... Which still doesn't explain why clothing that is too small for anyone in the house is available for options to pick to wear still, but hey just backing up DH more when he said that BM never wanted to get rid of anything regardless of it being sizes too small.

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

but in the beginning of December, we are going to reach out to the teacher for an update on that and see if the early intervention is helping and what we should work on a bit when we have her for Christmas break. Unfortunately SD is definitely behind and BM likes to blame the divorce which in part is true because the focus wasn't on teaching SD things she should of, but it also comes down to that SD was not put in Pre-K (that was when BM had majority custody for out of state schedule) and the years before that when they had 50/50 BM did not put SD in daycare or anything which is fine, but when staying home with her did not teach her the things she should of been learning. 

I am not saying it is all BM's fault, DH could have done more earlier on with SD, but at the very least he did have SD in daycare years 2-3 and then from 3+ was working one on one with SD to learn counting, colors, shapes, etc. BM would claim she was doing workbooks with SD or that SD has educational games on her tablet so she was working with SD, but on DH's weeks, it did not appear as though that was actually being done because there was no progress made, but DH would make progress with her. Then SD was home with BM or with a "sitter" from September 2020 - August 2021, leading up to kindergarten with maybe 8-9 weeks spent with DH and I. Not blaming BM's older child, but based on what I saw for the first 1.5 of our relationship that this child was still part of our lives, SD's sister had horrible behavioral problems that were getting worse especially when SD would get attention, when the child was first taken out of DH's life BM would go on about her struggles with her behavior (this was over 2 years ago now) and just two months ago, mentioned again how "I've been dealing with time constraints and other personal issues with my other child," plus all we have heard from SD about how SD's sister gets all the attention and everything else, seems to sum up that BM is focusing majority of her attention on SD's sister and does not have the time for SD. 

Yes, totally comes down to, a big part of the issue is that DH and I moved out of state, so that doesn't help her either. So both BM and DH are at fault, but I wish when BM got exactly what she wanted was to be primary parent during the school year would step up and do right by SD too.

 

tog redux's picture

Sounds like she may have a learning disability of some sort, honestly.  Especially if by now she hasn't picked up a fair amount.

ndc's picture

My SD is 6, and on the smaller side. She wears some 5s, some 6s, she could wear her sister's 7s and 8s in a pinch, and even fits into some 4s. It really depends on the clothing item.  It's generally more comfy to wear something too big than too small, so I'd err on the larger side for one item and then go shopping, even if it's not particularly convenient.  For shoes, maybe pick up shoes in the two sizes you think are most likely and plan to return one.  

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

is definitely not on the smaller side. She is tall and she is just average on weight (not really small, but not chubby at all). 

That is how I feel too I would rather things be a bit too big instead of it be small. That is a good idea on the shoes, 

Merry's picture

If you have a decent used clothing store near you, you can pick up several sizes for not very much money. Then re-donate the things that don't fit.

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

I will have to look. I just donated all the clothes/shoes I know SD has out grown since summertime because they just fit over the summer and definitely won't fit for this coming summer

tog redux's picture

I got a lot of clothes for SS at Goodwill. Find one in a wealthy area and they will have nice, new or almost new clothes for cheap.

CastleJJ's picture

My SS9 has been long distance since 2017. Since we see him 6 weeks a year, for one to two weeks at a time, we are in the same boat regarding clothes and shoes. Plus, we often go 5 to 6 months between visits, so we expect growth in between visits. We buy everything one size up and we only buy 4 to 5 shirts, 4 to 5 pairs of pants, 4 to 5 shorts, 2 to 3 sweatshirts/light jackets, and 1 winter coat. He has 5 pairs of pajamas and plenty of socks and underwear. We end up doing his laundry once or twice in a visit. We buy the Cat & Jack line from Target because it's nice stuff and shirts are like $6 and pants are like $10. SS was in a 8/10 last summer, but we bought stuff in a 10/12 just to ensure longevity and more use. For pajamas, we always buy size 12/14 because kids pajamas always run one size smaller and always shrink. The clothes are never overly huge on him, but big enough where he will get several visits worth of use. We find that buying one size up usually lasts SS a year/year and a half. SS doesn't visit enough to buy stuff that fits perfectly because by the time he visits again, he has outgrown it. 

For shoes, BM always sends SS in sneakers. They always fit, but for summer visits and winter visits, we usually need flip flops, sandals, and snow boots on hand. We used to take the size off of his shoes when he arrived, go shopping the first night and buy one size up. This past year, he was a boy's size 5, so we bought a 5.5 or 6. As he got older, we would just ask SS to check his shoe and read the number off the tongue during a Skype call a few weeks before a scheduled visit... but SS could also recognize his numbers. You are at a slight disadvantage. 

Also, everything clothing/shoes related that we purchase stays at our home. SS is not allowed to take any of it back to BM's. At the same time, SS does not bring anything from BM's to our house, except for a stuffed animal or a book that comes and goes with him. Both households provide the necessary items for SS during their respective custody time. We find this prevents issues with HCBM and always ensures SS has what he needs at our house. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

And how I think we are going to approach the clothes/shoes issue, but not take the tags off the shoes until they are tried on. We already bought a winter jacket and that I am confident about and it being a little big is totally fine, but it is the other items like you're saying. It rains a lot here so I doubt bm is going to send her in shoes that will suffice what SD would need while here which is fine, but we do need some options especially for the winter.

We are the same way! Before Bm sent SD for summer we messaged her telling her to send her items to occupy her on the plane, but we did not pay for a checked bag for her as we have everything here. For summer we had a pair of Michael kors sandals she wore a couple of times, but other than clothes that fit that we had, we didn't send her back in anything really expensive or our nice shoes, etc. was sent back in the shoes BM sent her with and that was that. 

CastleJJ's picture

We send SS back in the clothes/shoes he arrives in. Of course we wash them prior to sending him home in them. We also don't allow SS to wear that outfit during his visit with us to ensure nothing gets ruined. We find this works best to prevent drama. It keeps BM's stuff at BM's house and our stuff at our home. 

I know you want to buy cute stuff for SD, but I find that buying high-end or name brand clothes, like Michael Kors sandals, for a long distance skid is a waste. They don't wear them enough and outgrow them too quickly. We stick to the cheap Target and Old Navy items; they still look nice, but don't cost a bunch and we don't feel bad if he outgrows them after only a few wears. Save the name brand and super cutesy stuff for your baby. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Add that it was Marshall's bought Michael kors so like $20!!! But yes I totally agree !

JRI's picture

Two of my gkids lived in the south so they really didn't have winter clothes for when they came up here for Christmas.  I'd go to a resale shop in an updcale area ahead of time and buy stuff, especially coats.  In your case, I'd buy several sizes, worst case, you can sell it back.  Lol.   Of course, this won't work for the shoes.

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Luckily the climate is pretty similar so she should be coming on the plane in a jacket, so even if the one we bought her doesn't fit she has one to wear out to the store. Worst case if I buy a pair of shoes toll and they don't fit we can do the same and have her wear the shoes she came in to the store to return the ones bought and pick out some new ones. We wont care so much on the spring and summer breaks, but stores days before Christmas can get a little crazy

SteppedOut's picture

Do you think SD actually has clothes that fit and bm is just being a jerk sending her in small/worn items? Particularly now that she is in school. Is she really sending her to school in clothing that is 2/3 sizes too small and/or inappropriate for weather?

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

People have told us they have seen BM out with her kids and they are wearing clothes that do not fit and shoes such as sandals that their toes are sticking way past the end of the sandal. I wouldn't be surprised if she still has clothing too small for SD to choose from to wear, but I really hope since SD is in school that isn't happening. 

Rags's picture

Just inventory what SD shows up with, dump the crap or donate it at a clothing bank, and get SD some decent clothing that fits.

Take pics of SD wearing all of the too small junk for the record and posterity so when BM freaks you can just reply with the pics and a "quit sending our daughter here in clothes that are inappropriately small. Grow up BM!".  After you get pics of SD in the BM provided crap, then go shopping for new clothes.  Even get her hair done before you do the decent clothes pics.  Then you have pics of an appropriately dressed happy little girl.  Afterall, a picture is worth a thousand words.  If BM forces your hand or if you engage in a court action, you can watch her squirm when the before and after pics go up on the screen in court.

And enjoy our time with SD. Send her home knowing her numbers.  That would be the best gift she could receive. It would also rub BM's nose in her own parental idiocy.

Diablo

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Thing to say the clothes are too small a whole different thing to have photo proof!

Love the idea of having SD go home from break knowing her numbers! Would be great for SD and definitely not make BM happy