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Accidentally caught BM in not following the CO

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

In the PSA that became their CO, it states any time SD is staying overnight away from the residence of the parent she is with at the current time, that parent must inform the other of the itinerary, contact information, and location. We have known that BM does not share this information and SD has traveled with and without BM overnight elsewhere, but not once has she ever shared this information. With BM there is no way to say this without her lying and saying it never happened. It would just cause massive drama, lies, and making DH look bad. 

Finally today though, she was caught and of course lied about it, but has no excuses moving forward about not sharing this information. DH messaged asking to call SD tomorrow morning and BM messaged back that SD would be at her grandparents and they were traveling for their anniversary. Also asked DH to call sometime later Sunday afternoon. DH responds back then he would call at 1 pm our time on Sunday. He also said, you do realize anytime SD is staying overnight with or without you away from your home that you are to be sharing this information. BM goes on to say well she thought that was only for out of state travels, they don't know if SD is staying there overnight or not it will be decided on Saturday based on behavior, and then giving excess information about her getting a new shift and family might pick her up from school and all useless info. You know of course caught in not following the CO so BM overshares to distract you. DH explained the daytime is her business, but any overnight away from her home with or without BM she needs to share those details.

BM now has shared names, addresses, and phone numbers of two family houses (one is not actually family by blood, marriage, or anything that she calls her grandparents and the other SD's actual maternal grandparents) on the CO app. Moving forward there is no excuses about not sharing this information because she doesn't know. DH also said, SD mentioned she loves camping with you when with you so if you could please also share that information when camping overnight would be appreciated. BM responds back saying honestly SD has never gone camping... We have seen actual pictures, heard stories, etc. so we know it is a lie, but there is no point to say that to BM so all DH said was "okay."

Supposedly BM will let DH know tomorrow if SD ends up staying at her grandparents overnight or not. DH was not accusatory or anything like that was just giving straight facts, asking for the info to be shared that should, and said when SD stays overnight on his time elsewhere he will inform BM. It does feel good though that finally could catch her without causing drama and make it so there is no excuse for BM not sharing this information any longer and we weren't even trying to catch her.


strugglingSM's picture

In DH's CO, each parent is supposed to notify the other if the child is going to be out of state...we have never gotten any info from BM and we know they've gone out of state many times in the last few years. 

By law, she is also supposed to notify DH any time the children switch school district's - it's referenced in the CO, but it's actually a state law that the NCP is supposed to be notified at least 30 days in advance, so they can challenge the move in court if they don't agree with the child moving school districts. When I met DH, Skids had just moved to a new school district...he found out after they moved into the new house. He was not happy because he had found their previous home (the one they lived in when he and BM divorced) and secured the lease, because it was in a good school district. 

Livingoutloud's picture

Not trying to be smart here but I've never heard having to inform about visiting grandparents for a weekend. Out of country, out of state, long vacations, sending kids to camps, yes of course. Went to sleep at grandparents house is so mundane? Especially if dad lives very far away and it doesn't effect his daily life. Was it put in CO when they lived in the same area?

I am not a difficult BM but I'd likely forget to tell ex if my DD stayed at my parents over night, unless it violated his visitation time. I'd not demand he informs me she stayed at grandmas for a night either.

 I've never heard of a parent living far away having to be informed when kids stay overnight at grandparents. Is this a common practice? 

how far do these grandparents live? 

i get that if it's CO she must follow it, just not sure why is it in CO? 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

The closest family for either BM or DH was 13 hours away. It wasn't something DH had added to the agreement. So either BM or BM's lawyer added because it wasn't on DH's end when they sent the first round. BM ended up moving closer to her family and "family" but wasn't sure where she was moving when she had it added to the CO years ago

Honeslty overnight somewhere else besides SD's home I don't think is a bad thing to add if something happened to BM while away from SD, DH would have no contact with anyone to find out. The people BM is referring to as grandparents isn't actually SD's grandparents by blood or marriage so DH would have no idea who to contact or know anything. DH didn't add the stipulation and there is no harm in it. We know from SD's phone she traveled with SD to Maine, which was several states away for a couple days and BM didn't tell DH anything. No drama was started, just asked to provide the info they are supposed to and there was no drama. No excuses if she doesn't do it especially when traveling out of state like in the past 

Livingoutloud's picture

Yeah I think if there's no contact info then it's different. My family would know to inform my ex and his parents would sure inform me in case of emergency. People should have the basic info about the other parent like phone numbers and locations for emergency. I'd be concerned about fake grandparents. More like family friends then. Why are they called grandparents? To replace your DH's parents, if he has any? Weird 


NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

In sharing that information. BM on the other hand is not very responsible and there is no way she gave anyone DH's contact info. His number changed a couple years ago when we got a phone plan together so it's not like his number is the same from when they are together. 

It is weird, apparently it's an old guy she used to help around his home when she lived in that town as an adult. She's one who "hates" her family and her real family isn't her actual family but had them testify against DH in court, etc. she's one of those that talks trash about her family but gladly will take money or anything they offer her if it benefits her

CastleJJ's picture

Our BM wanted a clause added to the CO that DH had to notify her if SS spent the night anywhere but our residence, with or without us. The judge agreed to add it, but warned BM that if he added it, it was applicable for both parties, not just DH. BM initially fought back, saying she didn't want DH keeping tabs on her, but she later agreed. It's in our CO and actually, BM does notify us whenever SS is not sleeping at her house (which is amazing because our BM literally sucks at every aspect of co-parenting.) It doesnt give BM or DH permission to control the other parent's plans - it isn't asking for approval. It is simply a courtesy email of "Hey, SS will be sleeping here." 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

These BM's think they can add a clause that is only for the dad to follow and not them? Good that she actually follows that one

Rags's picture

FROR, notify when overnighting away from the home of the parent the kid is with, etc, etc, etc....   

We had the highly resrtictive perspective when SS-30 was a toddler.  We refused to let anyone transport SS except the SpermIdiot. The Judge set us straight that GPs or anyone selected by the other side could transport SS to them, and we could do the same when transporting him to us following SpermClan visitation.

We took exception to SS rarely seeing his Spermidiot and attempted to force the dipshitiot to spend time with SS. Nope, the SpermClan could do pretty much whatever they wanted with SS when he was in SpermLand on visitation.  So... until he was in the late single digits he was dumped with one or the other of two sets of great grand parents.  The GGPs were the default Skid dumping grounds when he was in SpermLand.

After the first few years once we were more confident that SS was not being abused, though he was disgustingly neglected as a toddler, we pretty much stayed out of the goings on during SpermLand visitation.

They of course attempted to limit what we could do with him when he was at home with us. But, we pretty much kept the F-off message front and center.  We traveled internationally (at that time only the CP had to sign a PassPort application) .  When they would decline visitation, we would book tickets and travel on what was COd to be their time. Without notifying them.  We did the same during our time.  We never sent his PassPort with him on visitaiton so they could not take him out of the country 

If our CO had included a FROR or notification of overnights away from the other parent's home we would have ignored it and told the opposition to take us to court if they felt it was worth the effort.

I have always been of the mind that what a Judge orders is readily enforceable when you are in court. Once the hearing is over.... do what you want .... within reason.

I am not sure if pushing this with BM is a hill worth the climb. Unless it is a tactic for giving BM the message that she will have no choice but to do what she is told.  In which case, nail her to the strict terms of the CO. 

On the neglect of my SS when he was toddler. He would travel to SpermLand a happy, clean, mostly toilet trained and talkative little boy. He would come back a nasty, smelly, loaded  diaper, diaper rash so bad his anus would bleed when we cleaned him up, puss filled welts all over his butt cheeks, black sludge in his arm pits, crotch, and waist line,  1/4" or longer finger and toe nails, with body odor that would gag a maggot.  Even with pics of this and Doc reports when we would take SS directly from the airport to his doctor for an examination, the SpermLand courts would not protect SS.  Our experiences with the idiot in the Harry Potter robes slinging the Fisher-Price wooden hammer in SpermLand courts grew a notable level of ire and contempt for the bottom 10%ers of the legal profession that seem to gravitate to the bench.

Anyway.  Good luck.  I hope you and DH can accomplish what you are hoping.

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Not sharing any travel and overnight information like she's been doing across multiple state lines to starting with her sharing SD staying at the "grandparents" so hopefully these bigger deal overnights she might actually share since now it's in the CO app she's aware that she's supposed to share that information and she can't play dumb about it like she just did

thinkthrice's picture

Is a mere serving suggestion to the HCGUBM, however, bioDAD and SM MUST adhere to every syllable and then some.

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Luckily we treat it that way since we are aware of it and we want BM to follow it too. Can't expect someone to follow it if you don't. And can't expect a judge to take your side if you don't either, well unless you're BM

Rags's picture

On the other hand, we knew it inside out and backwards as we did the supplemental county rules and state regulations regarding Custody/Visitation/Support.  

SpermGrandHag would fairly often call to blather that so-&-so told her that blah, blah, blah and we were going to get in trouble or she could do some idiot crap when the CO, etc... clearly did not give her that ability. 


Nope, we kept it all well organized and on file in our home office and both DW and I had scanned pdfs of all of it on our work hard drives so when SpermGrandHag or their idiot attorney would call, DW would conference me in and we would slam the opposition with chapter and verse on the facts. She would be on the call with the opposition while I listened in on mute, snipped and direct messaged her the actual CO and other legal document elements that shut their shit down in real time.  The best parts were when they kept pushind ever after we spoon fed them an ass baring and we just said. NO! and .... see you in court.  That invariably drew an "That is what you want. You want to go do court!"  Not really, but ... neither were we afraid of it because we had nothing to be afraid of over going to court and there was absolutely nothing that would cause us one second of hesitation. While every time we ended up in court they were embarrassed in court and in their community after court because we made sure that nothing that came out in court was allowed to remain a secret. The parts about the Spermidiot's statutory rape career, serial out of wedlock breeding, increasing arrest record, etc.....   So, they avoided court like it was the plague after a couple of humiliating court experiences.

We did not tolerate their made up ignorant manipulative bullshit.  Nor did we let their cheap bottom dweller attorney of the moment intimidate us.  They and their lawyers of the moment hated that.