HELP - SS driving me insane! My fault? Am i crazy?
Brand new member here...so if I don't use acronyms or misuse them, please excuse me.
I married my husband about a year and a half ago. He has two children - a daughter who is 11 and a son who is 8. I also have two daughters, ages 19 and 12, living with us, so it's a big family. After years of being single, I basically added a small family to my own, and maybe I just didn't think it through before marrying. It's a lot!!!
I raised my children (I also have a 23-year-old son who lives on his own) to be independent. None of them needed a helicopter mom. I didn't have to listen to baby talk unless they were babies. It was a good life other than a few things here and there with my own kids, but everything has freaking changed. I feel like maybe I am the problem, and I do vent to my aunt about things - but she cannot truly relate. So I went looking for support today, and WHAM! I found this group.
My SD used to be a really needy child when it came to her dad, but being around my 12-year-old daughter has helped her. She doesn't act the same way (clingy, baby talk, jealously clinging to dad, etc). This has been great, but my SS is a different story.
He is eight years old, but he doesn't act like it. Even my own family didn't know he was actually that old. (They thought he was 5,) HE is very immature for his age. He still calls his dad "dada," and yes, he has speech issues, but he uses I "wub" you instead of "love" when he is very capable of pronouncing it right. He clings to his dad all the time. He even sits there and waits on his around corners at times. He used to try to meet him at the threshold of the door every evening, but I made him stop (b/c I felt my husband should be able to walk in without almost tripping over the kid). My SS has to constantly be told not to do things (run in the house, aggravate his sisters, leave his clothes on the floor, etc). His grades are usually horrible, and it took months for his dad to even punish him for them. I had to finally just say, "I QUIT" when it came to getting him to do homework and study. He would be disrespectful, lie about work, etc... so I told his dad that any school work with his son was HIS responsibility.
My husband acts (and feels) like his children are babies still. I told him his son should not be calling his dada at 8, and he couldn't understand why I would think that. I mean, come on, I teach junior high kids. Wait until one of my SS's friends hears him call his dad "dada," and they will ensue making fun of him. I also suggested that we nip the baby talk in the bud to no avail. It's almost like he (my husband) doesn't want his son to grow up... however, in the long run, he's hurting his child. (And my sanity of course).
I am not really sure what I am asking here, but I feel a certain kinda way about things. Such as I think the "dada" thing is WAY too much. I think the baby talk crap has to go. I think we should hold the child accountable for things more often.
Also, since I am a teacher (and I am off almost every time the kids are), my husband just assumes I am good with them being with me, which I am not. He raised his kids to be needy, and I am not used to that. I can't have kids need me to watch their every move for 3 months out of the summer.
Please give me any advice you can... I am slowly losing it here.
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You have a DH problem
First tell your DH no bueno on watching the kids while you are off work. If he doesn’t ask ahead of time and get ok from you, he makes other arrangements. Second, stop helping the kids with homework and other things. That is your DHs job to do, not yours, unless you are asked and agree.
And third, stop being available for your DH to take advantage of you. Go plans days out on your breaks. Do something for you and stop putting his kids before yourself.
As far as the SS8...I get it. My Ss13 was exactly like that. And would scream abs cry huge tears at the first instance he didn’t get his way. He was such a big baby. All of our adult friends avoided us whenever we had home because they could barely sit by and watch SS act like that while DH did nothing. I broke him of the cry baby stuff but DH did nothing to help. Fortunately SS is not like that any longer. However, my DH is still terrible about babying him. SS is almost 5’ 11 and weighs 175 lbs and DH STILL cuts up SSs meat on his supper plate. Even SS kind of rolls his eyes about that.
Stand strong and stop allowing your DH to take advantage of your time.
I know you're right. Thanks
I know you're right. Thanks for the great advice, and what you said about your SS is exactly what I am worried about. I don't want his son to be a teen and still saying dada or having his food cup up. Kids do have to grow up... it's crazy that even your SS rolls his eyes but his dad still does it. Thanks for the advice. :)
I had to finally just say, "I
I had to finally just say, "I QUIT" when it came to getting him to do homework and study. He would be disrespectful, lie about work, etc... so I told his dad that any school work with his son was HIS responsibility.
Darlin' just because you married him doesn't mean HIS kids are your responsibility. Why is he not the one helping his kids with homework? Did you volunteer to take this on? Just because you're a teacher doesn't take away from your H's ability to parent his kids. He needs to step it up and play his part. You should disengage from this and allow him to take this on.
Also, you have the luxury of having summers off why on earth would your H think or assume that you should watch his kids? Have you communicated and made it clear that you are not good with this arangement? If your H is not home there is no reason why they should be under your care. They have a mother who they can be with until your H has his time with them. You need to SHUT this down NOW before he continues to think you're obligated to do more for these kids that you have no responsibility to.
Once you start to set the precedent of taking on the role of playing mommy, he's going to leave you to it and run with it.....
I absolutely know you're
I absolutely know you're right here. And I can't blame him for monopolizing my time, as I never said no last summer. I did mention getting a PT job, and he said something snide about a sitter. It's my fault that I never pursued - but for example, I am off Monday and he basically volunteered me to go to my SD DARE graduation (he asked me right in front of her, so I wasn't going to say no).
Their mom sucks, so she isn't an option. I wish I knew how to make myself disengage. Any tips on how? I have tried, but I epically fail any time I try.
My DH was, and in some ways
My DH was, and in some ways still is, exactly like your H. My SD17 stills says mommy and daddy, even when talking to other people about her parents; it's embarrassing. She was also very needy when I came into her life (she was almost 5). At the time I thought it was normal because she was so young, but she never outgrew it. My DH also treats his precious princess like she is still a small child. It is almost like men (dads) are not capable of letting their children get any older than 5! My SD does not have a drivers permit yet (we do NOT live in a place that is easily naviated without a license either); she is a senior in high school with NO direction at what to do in 6 months when she graduates; she does not have a job (even though it is a requirement in our house at 16) and DH won't "make" her get one bc "she pays her phone bill so it doesn't matter." SMDH When he says goodnight, he still has to tickle her which absolutely disgusts me; I mean she's 17 and almost a damn adult woman! He still feels the need to explain to her, and I am not kidding, how to cook Eggo waffles and reheat food in the microwave. My list could go on for days......sooooo.
My advice, which many others here will tell you, is to disengage and move on. They are not your problem to deal with and the way they grow up does not reflect on you. You ignore the skids, but still be pleasant. Others here will give much more advice about this.
Good luck!
Thanks for the advice. You
Thanks for the advice. You can definitely see where I am coming from. I also think that's WAY too much with your SD, considering she is 17.
Any tips on healthy disengagement?
Does he have full custody of
Does he have full custody of his kids? Perhaps when school is going to be out, ask what his plans are for his children when he is at work. Are they going to (mom) (camp) (whatever). That could be a good way to open the conversation.
And, I totally get it. I raised my oldest to be very self sufficient and he was not hellicoptered AT ALL. My formerSO's kid? Omg, he couldn't do a darn thing for himself and of course formerSO just assumed I would loooooove to be the kids new mommmmmeeeeeeee *barf*, NOPE, I'm not about to coddle someone else's kid, when I didn't coddle my own. I simply do not believe in it - I raise adults, no gigantic man babies.
Their mom stinks, so he has
Their mom stinks, so he has full custody... she's not really an option.
Definitely no wanting any gigantic babes - the world has enough of them. I just don't understand why he (or anyone) doesn't get that I don't want to do for his kids something I didn't do for my own. As a child, I was left on my own, so I found a middle ground and that's how I raised my kids.
EXACTLY! I already wonder if
EXACTLY! I already wonder if he chose me for me or my potential to be a "mom" to his kids. I have resentments building daily, so I will plan out how and what to say and have that talk. He's a good guy other than this situation, so I don't want to let it ruin what we have.
Chef babied
all 3 of the ferals. YSS stb 7, was calling McDonald's (cuisine de Girhippo) "Mick and Donals"
Chef would think it's cuuuuuute and also constantly UNDERstate their ages. When SD was 8 he'd say "she's ooonnnnnllllly siiiiiiix" and the ever popular "they're juuuuuussssst kiiiiiiiiiiiidddddddsssss" (TM)
I had to stop him from cutting up their food. YSS would kick his foot out and grunt...translation "tie my shoe, peasant!!" The Gir would just put him in velcro shoes so she needn't bother teaching him to tie. Or instead of learning to zip, snap or button, he'd thrust out his flabby chest and grunt.
Instead of saying "may I have some ice cream," he'd jump up and down like a pogo stick, urine coloured (after 24 hours of drinking orange gatorade) pin straight hair flapping, yelling "TREAT, TREAT, TREAT, TREAT, TREAT!!!" It was all I could do to refrain from throwing him a milkbone....generic, of course.
Absolutely have that
Absolutely have that conversation with him. You definitely need to clear things up and let him know that as much as you like to support him, you are not obligated to play mommy and take on babysitting duties. He shouldn't make assumptions and he needs to make other arrangements since they are HIS kids at the end of the day. It sucks that their mother is MIA which seems to be why he places that pressure on you but in truth it's not your burden to carry.
Thanks for your kind words. I
Thanks for your kind words. I did talk to him about some things last night, but it boils down to he and I need to communicate better about the kids (both his and mine). I told him I was worried about his son and his level of immaturity, and he didn't get upset (as I thought he would). He actually said he thinks we need to work on that and do something. He also admitted he was wrong for volunteering me for an event in front of a child. I told him from now on, we need to talk about things AWAY from the kids.
I do need to still talk to him about my holidays and summers off, and let him know I don't want to spend them all babysitting... but one step at a time. :)
Maybe do it by finding a
Maybe do it by finding a really great, not too expensive summer camp and presenting it as a GREAT OPPORTUNITY for the kids. If he doesn't like the idea THEN you get to tell him you are not going to be their sitter this summer.
Summer camp
Winterglow's suggestion is spot on. And plan some great trips w/ your friends to get out of town and recharge your exhausted soul during your summer break. Teaching is physically and emotionally demanding. I know, I'm retired.
Also, you could arrange for your bd to go to the same camp and have time with dh alone.