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“Loyalty makes you family”

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

I recently read a quote that said: “Loyalty makes you family.” I agree. Blood doesn’t make you family. I grew up with many uncles (my mom’s brothers) but my favorite uncle has always been my dad’s best friend! My DH’s parents are backstabbing control freaks who we do not associate with at all, but my parents would do almost anything for him and SD. My high school best friend is not a friend - she is my sister, and I’m confident that she always will be.

I think that one of the best qualities that a person can have is loyalty. Loyalty to your family, your children, your marriage, your job, your goals, your friends... everything.

My children are very loyal. My mother will say bad things about me around my kids and they get mad about it and defend me. They don’t allow people to say anything negative about my DH because he is the active father in their life and they are appreciative of that. I love that my kids have their own opinions and aren’t afraid of voicing them (respectfully, of course). They’re not followers. They aren’t ass kissers. They aren’t fake. I feel like they have my back just like I have theirs. I truly trust my children.

SD, on the other hand, is a follower. She is an ass kisser. She is the fakest kid I’ve ever known. She is the most two faced, disloyal human I’ve ever come across. She is almost 10 and I’ve raised her full time with DH since she was a toddler. She calls me mom and refers to the useless BM by her first name (she lives out of state and sees her 3 to 4 times per year for about a week each visit and BM doesn’t even call her - EVER). SD has nothing good to say about BM or psycho grandma. But when she’s with them, she calls us and sounds really happy like she’s having a blast (which is good - we don’t want her to be miserable over there). I’ve told her to stop talking crap on them because it makes HER look ridiculous and fake. We’ve told her to just be real and stop trying to say what she thinks people want to hear. I have no idea what she says about us when she’s over there, but she does call and say things like, “Hi mommy! I miss you! I love you!” right in front of her BM. At the same time, she comes home and cheerfully says things like, “Psycho grandma said that you’re ugly!” She seems unbothered even though I’m the one who has been here for her every single day. If someone said that about me to my children, they would be pissed! SD likes who is right in front of her at that very moment. She likes whoever is doing something for her at that time. She has no sense of true loyalty. It makes her untrustworthy, in my opinion.

Now I know that some will say, “She’s only 9!” But my own children are not much older than her and they have always been sooo incredibly loyal to those who have earned and deserve their loyalty. MY DH EVEN ADMITS THAT. He calls SD a “nomad.” She doesn’t seem to have any real connection or attachment to anyone. She is constantly acting. You never know when she is being genuine or just saying/showing what she thinks the person in front of her wants to hear/see.

My DH seems to think that she is going to grow up and miraculously learn what loyalty is (along with empathy, modesty, and everything else that she currently lacks). I don’t though. I see her turning her back on us as a teen if we don’t let her go to that party or date that boy or buy that outfit. She will most likely continue to get what she wants by giving people what they want to hear and see. At the age of 9, it’s all about making people happy so that she can get the most out of them. I can only imagine how she will be as a teen.

Loyalty is so important. It’s HUGE. I’m just curious to know how others feel about loyalty.


MissTexas's picture

Is betrayed and taken advantage of, at the expense of adult SKs getting what THEY WANT from DH?

People tell me to rebuild from today, and keep doing what I've been doing and showering him with love, attention, affection, and yes, loyalty. But I did all that, and it got me exactly where I am. What is the motivation for going there again?

I'm with you, loyalty goes hand in hand with trust, and without those, you HAVE NO BASIS FOR a relationship.

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

Yes, true... trust and loyalty are just as important, if not more so, as love.

ntm's picture

I was taught from a young age that if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. This girl needs to be stopped as soon as she is about to repeat something someone has said. She needs to be prompted to think about what she’s about to say. Is it something nice? Go ahead and share. Is it something mean? Keep it to herself. 

SDs used to start with “no offense, but...”. I stopped them on that one. If you’re starting your sentence that way, you’re about to offend someone. Don’t even say it. 

She’s old enough to be taught these social norms. 

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

That’s very true! But ever since she was extremely little, SD has been the kind who gives looks of disgust if she doesn’t approve of someone’s appearance. She used to point and say things like, “She’s so fat!” in public until her father and I finally found a way to make her stop.

Do you know who Ashley Graham is? She’s a beautiful “plus size” model. SD saw a picture of her online and said, “Eww! She’s fat! That’s gross!” I said, “She’s not fat. She’s beautiful. And, by the way, I’m like the same size as her.” She looked grossed out and said, “Well, I think she’s fat.” It actually hurt my feelings.

Want2's picture

I guess I don’t define loyalty as expecting anyone to defend my honor. If one of my kids told me some smack someone else said I would have said oh and laughed. They know I don’t sweat the petty and I think we’ve all gotten pretty good at it. It’s more like we laugh at the pettiness than get up in arms about it. So what is loyalty for us? Just being teammates I think. We’re a tribe. We’re very welcoming to newcomers compared to FH’s tribe and I think it’s because we have more confidence. In his tribe you don’t know where you stand as a newcomer and you’re not truly accepted for who you are, there’s a strong sense of pending judgment. His eldest told me once that if she didn’t look well groomed at her grandma’s funeral the ladies would judge her. I thought wow, that’s horrible, and what I’ve come to see is that those who fear being judged are usually judgmental themselves.

Maybe for some the idea of loyalty means a loyal person doesn’t judge you harshly? A loyal person doesn’t count your flaws against you? I don’t know but if you don’t fear being judged then you don’t worry about that kind of loyalty.

As for your SD it sounds like she’s got all the makings of a miserable life and will always blame other people for her misery.

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

If they want to sit and obsessively talk about me, then that’s their problem. It was her nonchalant way of saying it that stung a little. I have taken care of her for most of her life, so you would think that even though I am not her “real” mom, she would be slightly bothered by something like that (either bothered enough to keep it to herself or bothered enough to say it like it’s a bad thing). But she doesn’t seem to FEEL for anyone but herself.

Chmmy's picture

COD have that option of going with the other parent when things arent going well like they can't go where they want, drink, party. They just go to the other parent

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

I agree that some COD are like that - maybe even most - but definitely not all. I have a teenager and that wouldn’t happen. The respect for me and my decisions are obvious. I know that when I say no, they won’t go running to my ex husband to get their way (not that he would give it to them anyway). My kids are amazingly loyal - my DH is impressed because his child is the COMPLETE opposite.

Ispofacto's picture

Killjoy is mercenary.  She has no sense of right and wrong, and she doesn't care about anyone but herself.  People are a means to an end for her getting her material wants met.  She is entirely fixated on status.  She is a narcissist.

She's not a real person, and because of that, it's impossible to trust her.  She tells everyone exactly what she thinks they want to hear.  She never confides her real feelings to anyone about anything, assuming she even knows what her feelings are.

DH lives in a fantasy world where Killjoy prefers him and dislikes her mother.  I tell him, she doesn't like or dislike anyone.  She wants to be with the person who is spoiling her right now, and that person is usually DH.  Satan is too selfish and greedy herself to spoil Killjoy the way she wants to be spoiled.  But Killjoy still plays both sides, to get everything she can from everybody.  And the things she's said and done have gotten back to us.

It's normal for anyone to be naricissistic as a teen, but in her case it is extreme and has been going on for as long as I've known her.

It doesn't seem like she could grow out of this.  I highly doubt I will ever be able to have a relationship with her.

ETA I think the word you're looking for is Caring.  A skid can't be loyal to you and BM at the same time.  She should have the integrity to be honest and kind.  Families don't always agree on everything, and they may sever ties if someone does something heinous.


NotSoStepStepmom's picture

Wow! You described my SD in that comment!

But does your SD act like she loves and adores people? Mine makes everyone feel so loved... but I know it’s not sincere. The older she gets, I can see that she just seems to be this super self centered empty shell of a person. My DH is convinced that she isn’t though. Of course.

Ispofacto's picture

Yes.  She used to try to flatter me and butter me up, but it never worked.  And I'm not gullible to her false promises and bullcrap intentions like DH is.

I avoid Killjoy at all costs.  DH says she is sad about it.  But that's not what it is.  She's butthurt that someone disapproves of her, and she misses dicking with me.  Since we've never had a real relationship, because she's not a real authentic person, she has no idea who I am or how to please me.  When we used to interact, I could see the confusion on her face.  I'm nothing like her BM, and I don't react the same way.  Platitudes and creepy compliments don't impress me, authenticity does.  

She was all cutesy and playful with my GD.  Then she abused her.  It's called Grooming.  Watch out.

ETA: Also I think "missing me" is a ploy for sympathy.  No doubt she's happy to have me out of the picture.


NotSoStepStepmom's picture

I totally get what you’re saying about your SD being bothered by the fact that someone disapproves of her. Mine is the same way. I know that she despises certain people, but she kisses their butts and puts on a show for them.

OMG! What did Killjoy do to your GD? That’s so crazy. I think that if I had been stupid enough to have a child with my DH, SD would’ve been jealous and evil towards her. She is so possessive and she has to be the center of the world. It would’ve caused heaps of problems.

Ispofacto's picture

She masturbated in front of her and tried to trick GD into touching Killjoy's crotch.  We believe she was testing the waters and just getting started, and from the timing and precision she carried it out, she planned it in advance.  But GD told on her.

And yes, she was very jealous of GD but acted syrupy sweet toward her in front of everyone else.

She's glib to my face but stabs me in the back at every opportunity.


NotSoStepStepmom's picture

OMG! That’s so sick and twisted! She is clearly disturbed and I hope you have the ability to cut her out of your life, completely.