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Dealing with a Narcissist Ex

Notsosilent5262's picture

So here is my latest issue.  My exhusband is wanting to take my 14 yr old daughter to Mexico and I just have a bad feeling about all this. He already bought tickets and is telling me what hes doing and this trip is in January!   This is just what he does.  He will plan things and tell me hes doing expecting me to be ok with it.  He is pushing me to sign and approve for her to get a passport.  I definitely do not trust him. I'm just concerned abt them not being in the US and if something happened what do I do?!  I have heard many things abt Mexico not being safe right now.  The kids keep telling me its safe because its a resort but still.  Theres an issue that is very real with human trafficking.  We have been divorced for 6yrs and its nonstop drama. 

Just a month ago he thought it was a good idea to take my daughter to Chicago to a BTS concert on my mothers day.  We had to get lawyers involved and everything because he bought tickets and hotel already.  I tried to make it better by trying to take her myself.  In the end i agreed if he reimbursed me for everything I would let him take them on mothers day wknd to the concert in return for 4th of July.   If I dont let them go he tells me I am not thinking abt the kids and I'm being selfish.  Examples of things he would do are endless.  Last year he wouldn't let me have my daughter on my New Years Eve because there was a typo that said New Years started on New Years even though we went by the schedule that said it began new years eve for years already.  I was so frusterated i cried.  I was waiting in the parking lot and never got her on that day.  No one answered and the phones were off.  He would send me endless emails abt 10 dollars that I needed to pay him due to meds or whatever because I am responsible for 23% of it.  He would say I have 30days to pay for it.  If I don't check the App that we are using to commuinicate court ordered he would send me endless emails how I need to respond in a timely manner.  I am at my wits end and I don't know what to do.  If I don't agree to getting her a passport or letting her go to Mexico right now can he go to court and try to fight it?  It just seems like he keeps wanting to go to court to fight me for everything.  Examples of that are endless also.  He took me to court to imput my income.  He also didn't want to pay for half the lunch tickets for school cuz he thinks that should be included in the child support.  I get 600 a month for my daughter now that my son (now daughter) is over 18.  Not even that much but of course he doesn't think he needs to pay anything.  I have been researching and he is a total textbook Narcissist. 

A part of me just does not want to deal with him throwing a tantrum and sending me tons of emails so i just let them go.  The other part of me is like No More of this.  Its a never ending cycle with him and I am having so much anxiety right now.  On top of all this my son came out transgender in Jan and is on hormones and wants to change his name and gender on his birth certificate.  Theres just too much going on right now.  Is me approving a passport just gonna open the door for more problems?  I don't know what to do!!


pickles45's picture

Mexico? No Im sorry in my opinion I wouldn't let her go. Was it going to be just the two of them? And why would he even want to take her there?

Siemprematahari's picture

Does your Court Order say anything about taking the child out of the US? Is there a certain amount of notice that has to be given? Your X seems to do things his way and to h@ll with what you think. When dealing with people like this once you give in, it just gets worse so something has to be implemented about his inconsiderate behavior.

If you don't feel comfortable and your instincts are against it, I would not do it. Also I know Mexico gets a bad rep but their are beautiful resorts and places there that are breath taking.

caligirl510's picture

their children to be taken to Mexico by the other parent because it has been known that they kidnap them, but it looks like you are doing everything legally, there is alot of cartel activity in Mexico right now, as now they are targeting resorts because they think people there have money, if you are feed up it's time you speak up you need to put a stop to it as it will only get worse he needs to see you are not scared of him, for me personally I would not let my child go

notarelative's picture

Going to a resort in Mexico is as safe as going to a resort in the U.S. if you stay on resort property. So I don't think them going to an unsafe place would legally stand.

However, isn't school in session in January? 

caligirl510's picture

is Mexicos Quintana Roo Cancun Playa del Carmen Tulum the State Department of US recognizes that mose crime in this region seems to be tied to criminal organizations turf battles between cartels which resulted in an uptake of violence crimes, areas frequented by us citizens, they have declared resorts a level 2, so it's safe with a risk

BethAnne's picture

If your worries were that your ex would disapear with your daughter and not return her, then I would tell you to not aprove the passport. 

However, your fears are about the safety of the location, which is a different issue and one which you can easily look up and find out some facts about. Look up travel advice about visiting this part of mexico, see if the US embassy in mexico has any advice. Look up local crime rates. Make sure your daughter will have adequate health insurance for the trip. 

Consider if your ex would deliberately or negligantly put your daughter in danger? 

If you are still worried after finding out some facts then by all means follow through with your instincts and deny the passport, at least you will have some facts to draw on rather then just a knee jerk reaction. If he wants to go to court he can but you will have reasoned facts to back you up. In all likelyhood he will not go to court over a vacation but if you are concerned have a chat with your lawyer.

Notsosilent5262's picture

Yes school is in session and of course he already asked the principal and everything.  Nowhere in the court papers it says that he can take the kids out of the country.  I don't agree and I will probably email him abt it this today.  You are exactly right Siemprematahari!!  It is getting worse.  Its either you conform and get a little piece but worry abt your child and get stepped on over and over or if you contest it they will throw a fit and freak out and still step on you.  This guy tried to commit me to the psych ward because I filed for divorce.  He tried to get 2 people to sign. I could go on and on.  I have to deal with the worst ex ever unfortunately but I thank God every day I am out of that crazy situation.  What is sad is that my kids have to deal with it because he is the father.  He actually makes them feel bad for him because none of his family talks to him anymore and he hardly has any friends.  He recently just broke up with his gf of 5yrs.  I feel like he is trying to isolate his children.  They don't want to talk to anyone and stay in their rooms playing games most of the time.  Their dad used to play online games all the time like World of Warcraft it was overboard.  He would call my daughter and play with her online while she is at my house!  Is this normal???!!  Im looking for a new therapist right now because I don't know who else to talk to abt this.  Thanks for letting me vent

notarelative's picture

Yes school is in session and of course he already asked the principal and everything

He asked. What was the principal's response? 

I highly doubt the principal said 'great idea. Have fun'.  The answer was probably more like 'it's not a good idea, but I can't stop you'.

Schools have policies for schoolwork missed for school time vacations. They are usually in the student handbook. If you can't find it there, call and ask. Will you child be able to make up missed work? How long will she have to do so? Is she a strong enough student to be able to do so?

Don't accept your ex's word; find out for yourself. 

justmakingthebest's picture

My kids principals have both always wished us an amazing trip and had no issues with a 1 week family vacation during the school year!

GoingWicked's picture

Other than nagging you about petty medications and having poor planning, I just don’t see this guy as doing a ton wrong.

Imputing your income isn’t wrong, you should be supporting your kids too.  You’re getting plenty of CS, you should be paying for the kids school lunch.  And sorry but asking you to sign a passport so he can take his kids on vacation to a resort in Mexico doesn’t sound crazy either.  I can totally empathize with being scared if I couldn’t be there to supervise, but unfortunately that’s what happens when you get divorced and you have to share your kids, you lose that right.

ESMOD's picture

What DOES your CO say about trips. If it is MUTE on international travel.. he is doing nothing wrong. 

TBH, it actually seems like you are a bit difficult to deal with here too.

You don't check the communication app.. forcing extra attempts.

You resent him IMPUTING your income?  Well.. gee.. if you have intentionally reduced your income perhaps because you now have a SO that can afford to cover your bills.. why should your EX be penalized with more CS obligation?

You resent your 23% of costs that he "bills" you for?  You owe him.. whether it's 10 or 1000. 

The mother's day concert.. well... he may not exactly had much choice when he could get tickets to a hot concert.  I'm not sure what you wanted him to reimburse you for.. he had obviously shelled out for the tickets right?  I mean, I know it's mother's day.. but you couldn't be the least bit flexible for her to attend a dream concert?

And now the Mexico trip.  Look, unless there is a risk he is basically abducting her and has family there to hide him?  It's a vacation that millions of Americans take yearly.  I think it's selfish for you to refuse to let her get her passport to go and have an experience like that.  I mean.. it's not exactly on par with a vacation in Iraq. (which is probably safe enough

Here is what I see as possibly being an issue.  Your EXH may be making plans on days that you are supposed to have custody.  He should follow the CO with any notice etc.. and while you absolutely CAN refuse to make changes.. personally, I do think that it's petty for bioparents to be so unyielding that kids miss out on things like vacations etc..

tog redux's picture

OP, my DH's ex is like this, so don't be bothered by the people who say what he's doing is fine.  She will send 14 emails about money that she THINKS he owes, or money that's not due yet. She lies, manipulates and tries to get more money out of him. She tells him what he owes as if he's too stupid to read the CO and figure that out himself. 

I think planning a favorite concert on Mother's Day was intended to upset you and get a reaction out of you, that is ALWAYS their endgame.  Always.  They want to know they still have the ability to piss you off. 

Don't give him that reaction.  Ignore repetitive emails.  Follow the CO without getting angry or responding to his nasty emails. 

If this Mexico trip is within the CO-allowed vacations, then allow it.  If it's not, then consider how much you want to fight about it. Because make no mistake, it's the fighting with you and upsetting you that he wants.  The less reaction you can give him, the better. It might mean eating some shit sandwiches here and there, but ignoring as much as you can will be well worth it. 

Siemprematahari's picture

Tog 100%

Above all follow your gut. No one here knows how your X truly is so listen to your instincts.

tog redux's picture

Forgot to add, SS is 19 now, but when there was a CO, she did all of this splitting hairs, reading the CO in her favor, taking all the time she could, etc.  It's infuriating. 

ESMOD's picture

They have been ordered to use the communication system.. obviously there are issues with how these two communicate and the court wanted that to be used.  Her EX is resorting to the pepper spray of emails and texts.. because she isn't using the program they were ordered to use.

Her complaint isn't that he is asking for reimbursement for the same thing more than once.. or that he isn't providing documentation.. it's that she thinks it's petty for him to ask for it because the amounts are small.

She also is looking for him to pay for things that should be covered by CS.. like lunch tickets.  Unless the CO specifically calls out something like that to be split.. she is on the hook for it... because it's a reasonable and normal cost that would be incurred by a custodial parent and therefor covered by CS.

I do think planning a concert on MD was possibly a bit petty.. but... I think that's a pretty popular group and it may have been the only venue that was anywhere near convenient to them.. so it's not like he just decided to take her to a movie that could be done "any" time.  He should have given OP notice before he went to the expense if the concert was on OP's time though. 

I'm just seeing things on here that OP is doing that could be just as likely to reach the conclusion that she is the problem as well.

tog redux's picture

This how people like him flourish. "Oh, it's the only day we could book the concert! I didn't ask you ahead of time because I just knew you wouldn't want the kids to miss it ..."   And people like you believe it sounds plausible - meanwhile, this narcissistic jerk has just taken her kids on Mother's Day, of all days. And if she stands up for her right to have her kids on MOTHER'S DAY, of all days, then she looks petty.

That's how good they are - he has you fooled. 

ESMOD's picture

TBH.. it was all the other things.. and not particularly the MD thing.. that had me draw a conclusion that OP might also have something to do with the conflict they are experiencing.  Not adhering to the court ordered communication system.. resenting paying for her court ordered share.. and in fact dragging her feet on some of it.  Not wanting a calculation that would potentially make the CS ordered more equitable.  Wanting to deny a request for a passport for thin reasons.. "it isn't in the CO".. etc..

Her EX may be a tool.. but OP has plenty of issues on her side.

justmakingthebest's picture

Others have said it and I will too. Unless you are LEGITIMATELY concerned that he will kidnap your daughter, sign for the passport. 

I have taken my kids to Mexico and the Bahamas without their dad's "permission". He has taken them all over the US without my "permission". We have also traveled with SS out of the country. We are both the kids parents and deserve to make really amazing memories with them. If your exH wants those memories to be on a beach in Mexico, let him have that!

Sure, it makes the parent who isn't there nervous. Sure, you would do things differently because you are a different kind of parent. It doesn't mean that your daughters dad is a bad dad. He sounds like he really has a fantastic trip planned! If they aren't too far from it, I really recommend going to the Mayan ruins in Tulum! It was beyond gorgeous and your daughter would learn so much! 

Ispofacto's picture

We have timeshare in Mexico.  Voldemort refused to sign the passport papers for no other reason than she's a jealous, oppositional HCGUBM, so the Judge ordered her to.  

You are not your DD's only parent.  DD's father is her parent too, and if he wants to take her on a vacation, you need to get over it.


Winterglow's picture

If you have a court ordered application to be used for communication then USE IT! There are parents who would give their right arm to have that... and while you're at it block his phone number(s) and email address(es). One of the main reasons to use court ordered stuff is to not have to be bothered with an ex blowing up your phone.

ndc's picture

You may very well have one of the worst ex's out there, but the examples you've chosen to give, absent more detail, just don't show it.  Wanting to impute income?  Reasonable, as both parents have an obligation to support the child.  Following the letter of the CO with respect to NYE?  Seems OK to me, but I'd start doing the same if I were you.  Expecting you to pay for lunch out of your child support?  Perfectly reasonable - that's what it's for, and you're not getting an insignificant amount.  Expecting you to timely check OFW and communicate otherwise if you don't?  Reasonable.  What might not be reasonable is his definition of timely.   Sending you texts and e-mails constantly is unacceptable, but I'm guessing that's why you have OFW in the first place, and for your own protection you should check it frequently and not give him any reason to deviate.

As for the passport . . .  I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with him taking your daughter on a trip to a Mexican resort.  He's given you plenty of notice.  I would think long and hard before declining to sign the passport consent.  He very well may take you to court to force you to sign, so at a minimum I'd have my research done on the safety of the area and be cognizant of any state department travel advisories.  

There may be a lot of details and history you've left out, and your ex may be doing a lot of this just to get at you.  But on its face, this really doesn't look that bad.  You may want to chat with your lawyer about the passport to get the lay of the land.  Knowing what your ex may and may not be able to do legally might alleviate some stress.