You are here

College and our children being treated unequally

Notsosilent5262's picture

So here is my latest frusteration.  I feel like my husband is treating his child better than mine.  When my own biological child turned 18 he wanted them off of our car insurance and be off on their own.  Now HIS biological son whos 17 and going to be 18 needs a cosigner for his college loan and he is gonna sign for him if their grandma doesnt cosign!  Now am I also liable if something happens?  Am i not supposed to be upset abt this? I am so sick of him treating his son better and when i want to do something for MY kids he says they are old enough! Im tired of staying quiet abt it.  Its really annoying and im abt ready to explode.  Tried texting him abt it and no answer.  Has anyone else gone through this? Thanks for letting me vent.  Im at work and thinking way too much right now because i had too much caffeine or something.


Husband's wife's picture

It is normal to privilege your own child. I suppose your children are not his and he reacts accordingly. I would never pay a penny for DH's boy but will pay the best available education to DD. 

Now if I were you, I would provide for my children all I want and would not listen to DH's bs. But I would not count on him to provide for my kids if they are not common with him. 

Disneyfan's picture

What your husband  is doing  is normal.  

I paid for my son to attend a private, out of state HBCU. I would not have paid one red cent for a car for any of my ex's children and I actually  loved his kids. Our finances were separate and I earned much more than he did.

The only thing your husband  is doing wrong  is dictating to you how you can spend your money on your kids.

ndc's picture

To answer your question about liability, it depends.  Are you in a community property state?  If so, you (or at least the community) might be liable.  If not, you probably would not be, but jointly held assets might be available for repayment of the loan.  Also, your husband's income would have to go to repayment if the SS defaulted on the loan, so that could affect you if that income was needed for your bills or eventual retirement.  Keep in mind that your husband, as co-signer, will be just as liable for that loan as his son is.  If his son is unable to, or chooses not to, pay the loan, your husband has to pay.  That loan will be reflected on his credit report right away after he signs it (even if his son is paying it on time or isn't in a repayment period yet), so it could affect his credit and any future plans he has to finance something.  Student loans don't go away - they are not dischargeable even in bankruptcy in most circumstances.

How big of a loan are we talking here?  Your husband should be encouraging his son to keep his debt down and live within his means.  If this is a loan for community college or the local state college that the kid can commute to, that's one thing.  If it's a large loan for a sleep away private college, that's quite another.  17 year olds don't understand how crippling large student loan debt can be - it's up to the parents to protect them from themselves.

Also worth consideration are what the son's plans are and what kind of student he is.  If he's one who will flounder for a few years, trying to figure out what to major in, because he doesn't have interests or goals, or if he's not a driven student who will do well and graduate in four years, student loans are a risky endeavor.  

None of this even addresses the favoritism.  That would burn me up, too, even more so if DH and I were pretty equal contributors to the finances of the family and we had joint finances.  If you don't have joint finances, and the co-signed loan will not affect you, I'd probably let it go but remember in the future to do what I wanted for my kids, since DH is going to do for his.

shamds's picture

are automatically entitled to government loans to fully pay off their degree upto a maximum lifetime limit which covers you studying a degree right upto a phd really. No parent ever needs to sign and no parent ever does...

if ss defaults and hubby is old and close to retirement and can’t afford to lose retirement savings, then he shouldn’t cosign..

by the way, your husband is a real jackass for forcing you to basically get rid of your kids asap but double standards when it comes to his kids...

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Has the skid applied for scholarships and grants? Or is he just expecting Dad to pay the full shot?

Chmmy's picture

I treat my kids better than DHs. #1 My kids are my kids. #2 My kids are more deserving. They aren't entitled brats. They finished college on time, with good grades and didn't drop classes every semester like sd20. Even when their dad died suddenly, they went back and finished the last few weeks of the semester.

The skids are entitled, take everything for granted, take no responsibility for anything. I get on my husband's case when he enables their bad behavior yet I didn't have to do that for my kids. 

I never thought it would be, but my relationship has become very my kids/your kids. My bios are older and never lived with us. They graduated college the same week we got married. 

ESMOD's picture

To me, the two situations are actually a little bit different.. not 100% but there are shades of differences.  

Of course, you and your DH should be allowed to support your own kids as long as you aren't using "joint" resources for that support.  So, if your DH wanted your kid off the insurance.. but you wanted to continue to help pay for a policy for him..? Then if you had your own earnings to do that.. you should be able to make that decision.

Also, there may be a difference in how the two kids are perceived.  Was your kid of the 24/7 gaming and laying about variety? You don't mention that he was going off to college... so maybe your husband felt that he was at the end of supporting someone who was acting lazy and entitled.

If his kid is going to college.. that may be something that your DH has always promised he would support.  Co-signing for a loan doesn't mean that he would even necessarily be paying the loan.. just that he "might" if the son can't.  So.. about that kid.. is he a decent kid.. do you think he would be the type to honor his comittment?  if he couldn't... is your husband able financially to weather that? or will it hurt your household finances?

again.. I don't see these issues as completely the same.. but I would want my husband to definitely discuss any large potential financial obligation and let me help figure out if there are alternatives for the son that might reduce that risk.

Notsosilent5262's picture

My husband and I have serious communication issues we need to work on.  He Says i am just abusing him by yelling at him and i feel like i either get ignored for days or it never gets resolved.  Thats why i suggested that we both go to the therapist and now things are coming to the surface now