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This is slowly erupting..

notsobrady's picture

DH is a little offended. And to be honest, so am I...but not completely surprised. I warned DH yesterday that as confident as he is that SD19 would be running back home, I was not. My thoughts are that she has been controlled by these people for almost 2 years. She will not break away from them so easily. Especially when time and time again, we were made out to be the bad guys. And thats putting it nicely. But DH did make a valiant attempt. And for good reason. She's in a bad situation and has been for awhile. 

SO. My warning was left on deaf ears of course and thats ok. I know I was right. We briefly discussed with SD because her car was in such bad shape mechanically and in Roommate's Mother's name, that part of the "deal" would be getting her into a reliable car. Mind you we've already done this once. The first car was trashed, she ranaway, we had to get the police involved to get the car back and so on. It was not a good situation. 

Yesterday I found a decent car online, SD's payments would be MUCH lower than what she is paying now. And in my opinion its a very nice used car. Nicer than what I had at her age. I text the info to DH who later shared it with SD19 to show her, Look at this car and the payments are half of what you're paying now. A good, clean, reliable car. He got no reply. He called her last night to ask if she got the text with the car info. She said Yes, and then went on to talk about getting the car she's driving fixed..blah blah blah. Basically backing out of everything that was discussed with her on Sunday. EVERYTHING. DH again made an effort asking why she wants to live this way but said she had an answer/excuse for everything. And he told her he wasn't going to beg her to return. And thats pretty much how the conversation ended. I know DH felt defeated. 

We spoke little about the conversation and he said he's still trying to figure out what to do for her about the car and he's concerned for her safety. Brakes are shot and steering wheel is very wobbly. And thats a tough call. I did state that I refuse to help her AGAIN with another car that we will have to insure in our names for her to live in the same situation, not going to school and driving Roommate and her BF everywhere they want to go, smoking weed and selling Xanax and whatever else they may be doing. I want NO part of it.

We haven't spoke about it again. My thoughts are to have SD20 take the car to our mechanic who is also a good friend. Allow him to determine costs for repair (if its repairable) and then allow her to make those arrangements with him directly. If she's determined to stay in that situation, with that car then she needs to do this on her own. If she doesn't take it to him, then thats on her. I have not shared this thought with DH yet.

I am willing to help anyone who is willing to help themselves. So far, she's telling me she's not willing to help herself get out of that situation.


beebeel's picture

I agree with you. At best, buying her a car now would only enable her to continue being used by those people. And I have a feeling she played the "poor me" card really well to dad just to sucker a car out of him. I certainly wouldn't trust that her version of events is fact. 

Cover1W's picture

I agree 100%. She's been offered help, twice, and doesn't want it. So that's her decision. And two weeks from now or whenever, she can't come crying that "But youuuuuu didn't help meeee."

DPW's picture

Here we go again. I would refuse to enable her further. I wouldn't be surprised if she's involved in the activities of her roomates, to be honest. 

Cover1W's picture

Agree! She knows. There may be a reason that car is in MILs name and she covers for her 'roommate.'

notsobrady's picture

I said this too. DH said that she admitted that she Vapes...I don't believe her as my bios have seen what she posts on social media. As usual, she says what she thinks DH wants to hear. Same ole Same ole.

DPW's picture

Ya, thinking about this more, I'm not so sure she's not complicit in all of this instead of being "scammed" by these people. I wouldn't rush to feel sorry for her at all and try to fix this; there could be a lot more involved. 

notsobrady's picture

Yes, the more this settles on my mind the more I feel there is a lot more to the story. I don't feel she's as innocent as she's making herself out to be. Yes, she's dumb and naive I will give her that, but I agree there is probably more to this situation.

advice.only2's picture

Spawn did this with DH when they met for coffee after all those years. Unloaded about her life and all the problems in it, DH didn't really offer much in the way of fixing it and then that was it. Pretty much back to radio silence between the two of them. Maybe that's what will happen here, she just likes to dump and run.

justmakingthebest's picture

This is hard because her car is a safety hazzard. She isn't just putting herself at risk. What if she kills someone because her breaks are so bad? It seems like she doesn't want to be responsible or do what is right/best- she just wanted a blank check and freedom to do what she wants, when she wants. 


notsobrady's picture

Yes, this is why I thought about telling her to take the car to our mechanic. It gives DH the satisfaction of knowing its being checked out, but its still up to SD20 to make this happen. I have told DH, this is not our car!!! ANd we certainly can't force her to take it to the mechanic. Our hands are tied.

SteppedOut's picture

Honestly, it's not even "her car". What happens when she fixes it all up and pays the loan off? Does the title get put in her name? Does a crack head take it and sell it? 

notarelative's picture

SD needs to actually want out of this situation before you can help her. There isn't anything DH can do until she wants the help. 

SD can say 'my car' as much as she wants, but it's legally the car of whoever's name is on the registration. When SD complains about the car DH needs to tell her to talk to the owner about it. He shouldn't play into her fantasy that this is her car if it legally isn't.

It's hard to watch your child sabatoge her life. (Ask my husband) You can only hope that they will wake up and take the lifeline you are holding out.

notsobrady's picture


futurobrillante99's picture

So the car SD is driving is in her roommate's mother's name? Are you saying she owns the car or is just insuring the car?

I would not put one red cent into someone else's car.

SD is being manipulated to fix the car for the roommate's mother and that woman can yank that car at any time and sell it. Your SD isn't thinking straight. She could pay a lower payment for a better car that is her own. Very sad.

notsobrady's picture

The car is in the mother's name and so is the insurance. She's calls and pays the car payment over the phone $400 a month. It was purchased at a local car lot and then she gives the mother $200 a month to cover the insurance. My car is practically brand new and my payment is $450..she's being totally ripped off. We tried to explain this to her.

justmakingthebest's picture

My new (to me) car is a 2018 Camry Hybrid EXL (it has EVERYTHING) - my payment is only $294 (20K price). My insurance for DH, SS and I with 2 cars is only $180/ mo. 

I know she is younger and credit won't be as good and insurance is more expensive but she can do WWAAAAAYYY better than what she is doing. 

notsobrady's picture

And we explained this to her. I really thought for that brief time she was in our living room that she was understanding...Nope.

Like another poster said, she continues to sabotage herself over and over.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I like your sugestion to get the car checked out by a trusted mechanic, Brady. SD needs to make her own decisions.

Your H has come a loong way, hasn't he? In the old days, he would have been falling over himself to saaave his baaaby.

What's up with his parents? Has SD been in contact with them? Are they standing firm?

notsobrady's picture

I wouldn't say he's come a "long" way..he's gotten better. I have not mentioned her since their phone conversation Monday night. Her contact seems minimal with his parents, again I just don't ask. 

I know he's worried about the car and I REALLY don't want to put money into this situation at this point because she is STILL not willing to help herself!! I told DH Monday afternoon that I still feel she's "saying what she thinks you want to hear"..he denied this and said that he really felt she was ready to come home and get herself back on track. Obviously he was wrong. He invited her to go camping, I don't know if thats still the plan or not, again I've not brought her up. I opened the door this morning by saying I was looking forward to our camping trip this weekend as we were discussing the weather to see if he would mention her coming or not, but he didn't bite. So who knows. At this point, I don't even want her there. She's full of shit and I just hope DH knows it.