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DH upset about SD18 + upset with me..

notsobrady's picture

So I didn't realize it but DH has been upset regarding SD18 and her absence and I'm assuming because he does not have any contact with her. He stated that it bothers him more than he lets on. He also told me that something I said bothered him and he asked me to no longer make any negative comments regarding her. I seriously didn't even realize I had said anything at all...

So here's the story...

We learned that she has now dyed her hair orange and has a nose ring. She called GMA to tell her (brag in my opinion) that she has a job interview at Goodwill. So the comment I made to DH and didn't realize the crushing impact it had was "Good luck finding someone who will hire her with orange hair.."

That was it. 

I didn't think about it and he said it bothered him and asked for me to not say negative comments regarding her. He said it wasn't a big deal, just bothered him and he thinks its because there's so much going on locally with kids graduating and this was supposed to be when SD originally should've graduated. Prior to when she ranaway the first time..which was still quite iffy since she didn't pass anything and was contantly skipping school, but you know DH had to spend the money and buy her the class ring anyway.

So anyway. I mean I get it, but I also know how much he rags on my kids. ALL THE FREAKING TIME! But thats just "teasing"..ohhkkaaayyyy..just teasing DH (wink wink)


futurobrillante99's picture

Fragile, butt hurt man babies with double standards. Exhausting and unsexy.

It's too bad your DH sees his child as an extension of himself or takes her choices so personally. Maybe he, like many other enmeshed and enabling daddies, needs to seek therapy to learn how to see their child as a SEPARATE and DISTINCT INDIVIDUAL who makes their own choices and is responsible for their mistakes. Sever the damn umbilical cord.

If one of my kids is unemployed or commits a crime, I'll be disappointed and probably embarrassed, but it would be super dumb to make it some kind of reflection on who I am.

notsobrady's picture

Thats my point exactly!! What can he do about it? Absolutely NOTHING! He never tried before why let it bother him now? She's 18..almost 19. There is nothing he can do. In her mind she's got it all figured out. It is what it is. 

hereiam's picture

Tell him that you don't want to hear a negative word out of his mouth about YOUR kids. And, that includes "teasing".

Monkeysee's picture


tog redux's picture

Yep - say, "You know, DH, I think that's a great idea - we should both stop making negative comments about each other's children.  Are you on board with that?"

TwoOfUs's picture


I don't take it too well when people tell me what I am and am not allowed to say to them or talk to them about. A touch controlling I think. If you were being mean and negative toward his daughter constantly...maybe...? But a passing comment? 


Happycamper's picture

OMG! Are we married to the same man??? My DH is the EXACT same way! I cannot make any sort of comment about the perfect skids...but he has NO problem whatsoever talking about MY kids! Of course he comes back with, oh I was just teasing! REALLY? He doesn't tease like that about his own kids. We know when someone is teasing and when they are really saying what's on their mind. 

ITB2012's picture

I recently told DH that he has come to the end of the run with "but OSS has a job" as a reason/excuse/answer to anything I say about OSS. If I mention that OSS left a towel on the floor: but he has a job. If I say that I thought the skids would be around (and was told they would be but they aren't there): but he has a job. (And what does that have to do with the comment unless he's actually at work.) OSS didn't do a chore: but he has a job.

I cannot even say something that's not derogatory and it's taken poorly. But, even my DS has seen that he's held to stricter standards ("I guess it's because I'm not DH's child.") than the skids.

And DS is slightly older so there was a lot of smugness when DS did age-appropriate dumb stuff and his skids didn't. But then it was all surprise when they eventually did it too, and backlash if I said the same things about the skids that DH had said about DS.

shamds's picture

Him which means it is a big deal for him. Unfortunately the truth hurts

everytime i tried to say things directly to hubby in a polite way, hubby felt it was ok to answer back with ss20 needs time, he says he’s stressed... what? He’s stressed at being asked to be respectful and decent at home and not shun everyone that home is so unharmonious and uncomfortable because of him. All the pathetic excuses got me nowhere. 

So late last year, 4 yrs of marriage i said screw this, i and my kids deserve better and what kind of husband and father allows this to continue. I actually resented my husband at this point. I was so sarcastic in explaining the patheticness of his son and this ridiculous situation we are in purely because of ss behaviour, hubby refusing to parent, enabling and encouraging me and our kids to be emotionally abused and alienated. I was so harsh on hubby and told him since it was clear he had no intentions of ever changing the situation at home because he isn’t a man, that me and our kids deserve better and to escape this toxicity, that i was done and wanted a divorce... 

hubby was in a meeting with the board and ceo of his company when reading my messages, he had been so manipulated by skids that he figured between me and them that i would take the shit indefinitely. I have self worth and self respect and this isn’t a life to live. Only then did he promise to change things.

we have a long way to go but believe me so many times i got the lip service, the double standards, the pathetic ridiculous excuses and you get to a breaking point.... 

if skid is pathetic and ridiculous and you lay down the facts why, yeah it hurts hubby right in the heart because to a degree he is responsible for parenting and raising that child and failed miserably so now i remind hubby, he knows being married to the ex and having 3 kids with her was dumb and stupid, he knows they’re screwed up for life because he refused to stand up to her because of the narcissm, manipulation, aggression, pas, emotional abuse, hostility, hcgubm and he has a chance to show our kids that he is a good parent and can do a great job so don’t screw it up. I have told my husband i will never allow him to eff up our kids like the 3 skids.

i do not see them succeeding in life, they’re incapable of it and lack the skills to succeed, grow, mature and reflect. I want my kids to push themselves to be the best they can be and not treat others disrespectfully and like shit like skids... 

op you stated a fact impression wise that sd didn’t look professional, now i know the gender neutal feminists at times will be well society dictates that and it needs to change, thats just a personal expression but everyone judges on first impressions. If she is unkept looking or not groomed well, she won’t do very well.

anytime my husband sulks or makes a pathetic excuse to justify things i tell him to suck it up like a man. He married a woman who is straight to the point and blunt, i do not sugarcoat. This has given me more better results in 6 months than i have had in 4 yrs....

Chmmy's picture

Oh Goodwill will hire anyone. They're desperate. My son worked there in high school and a couple of his college breaks and every time he goes in there they ask him to come back lol.

There is a stench to that place and she will smell like it. See how long she lasts.

Siemprematahari's picture

"Good luck finding someone who will hire her with orange hair.."

I’d tell H that you will no longer comment about anything that has to do with SD and you would appreciate the same when it comes to your kids. He shouldn’t get his feelings hurt over your comment and still be ok about “teasing” yours. A compromise can be made and you both can keep comments to yourselves.