What a great lesson to teach your daughter BM!!!!
Just a little backstory: Back in 2009, BM thought she would show DH how well she was doing after their split by buying a house way beyond her income level and way too large for just her and SD10. The house is 4 br, 3 bath and is in one of the nicest neighborhoods in town. Didn't phase DH too much, especially when he watched BM struggle financially and have to depend on her parents for everything because of her astronomical mortgage payment each month. In addition, she bought this house after short-selling the house she and DH had owned together because she borrowed too much money against it immediately before the mortgage crisis. So thanks to her, DH has a nice little ding on his credit for that transaction.
Well this time last year, BM put her house on the market. We assumed this was in preparation for her marriage to Husband #5. We were right. They were married on Valentine's Day last year. Oh, how sweet!!!! Anyway, BM and SD10 remained living in her house and Husband #5 remained living in his house (a small 2-BR home in the country and more in line with BM's income level), until a few weeks ago when BM called DH to inform him they were moving into a new home they had built on Husband #5's land. Yay!! SD10 can finally get acclimated to her new life with her new stepdad. Too bad it took a year. And the new home they built is not over their income level and just enough space for the 3 of them. BM, it's amazing how wonderful life can be when you live within your means!!
After the moving proclamation, I checked to see if BM's house had sold, assuming it had if she was moving. Although it was no longer listed as "For Sale", it was also not listed as "Sold." DH and I just assumed she had decided to rent it since she hadn't had any luck selling it. Boy were we wrong. When SD10 came to visit this past weekend, she proceeded to share with DH that BM told her, and I quote, "It is unfair that I have to pay for a house we aren't even living in." BM then proceeded to tell SD10 that she was not going to try to sell it because "it is just too embarrassing to leave it on the market" and she was just going to "walk away from it." What? Really BM? It's too embarrassing to leave it on the market but it's not too embarrassing to get months worth of collection calls followed by foreclosure proceedings, not to mention the downfall of your credit score? If this is the direction your moral compass is leading you, then travel on. But why in the world would you give this information to SD10 and warp her still developing sense of right and wrong?
Mother of the Year right there.
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Anything that affects SD10
Anything that affects SD10 affects our family. And this is yet another example of BM sharing information only pertinent to adults with SD10. This is one of the many reasons SD10 is so screwed up and has such extensive anxiety issues. This is not a subject matter that should be discussed with a child. And do you want your children to think it is alright to usurp their financial responsibilities? I would hope not. That is the lesson BM is teaching her.
What an interesting phrase
What an interesting phrase Ipeed. I used this same phrase earlier today. I guess we have more in common than I thought.
If you want to call looking
If you want to call looking on Trulia (a public forum) to see if her house is on the market or sold "snooping" then so be it. However, the information in regards to the last house she let go into foreclosure came first-hand from the process server that served DH with foreclosure papers. But that time, BM was at least intelligent enough to keep the house on the market during the foreclosure process and settled the matter with a short-sale. Is this not a pattern of dodging responsibility? And this woman is solely raising DH's daughter so yes, our feathers are ruffled by the fact that SD10 is being molded by a person with such values, or lack thereof.
Other than what is mentioned above, the majority of the information we receive comes straight from SD10, which is why it upsets us so. Do you think SD10 would be volunteering information BM has told her not to share with us if it wasn't causing anxiety for her? The fact that she is told not to tell her Father things should be enough to tell you something about this woman's parenting skills. But because we refuse to bad-mouth BM to SD10, we have to swallow the information we receive from her and find the best way to curb her anxiety in regards to it.
And last time I checked, this was a site for step-parents to vent, which is what I am doing. If you don't like the subject matter or how I address it, you are free to move on.
Thank you Rising. Dear Lord,
Thank you Rising. Dear Lord, I'm so over the hating BMs on here.
I hear you and can so relate.
I hear you and can so relate.
That sounds fishy. Maybe
That sounds fishy. Maybe that's what BM wants you and DH to think. I just can't see anyone telling their kid I'm letting my house forclose. Proceed with caution on this one.
Under normal circumstances, I
Under normal circumstances, I would agree with you. But BM is not normal. She tells SD10 everything - as if they are buddies and not parent and child. I honestly could care less what BM does with her house or the financial ramifications of it. My concern is the lesson she is teaching to SD10. I would never want my children to believe it is ok to walk away from a financial obligation.
I don't know if she'll
I don't know if she'll understand what credit scores are at the age she is at. I understand what you're saying. I would imagine she is setting a very bad example, all you can really do is try to explain to SD that debt isn't something you can just walk away from. It will come after you and sometimes take your paychecks and tax returns if she knows what any of that is yet.
You can make a lesson from it. Let her borrow like 20.00 with the understanding she is to pay you back. If she doesn't get an allowance she can pay you back with chores and what not. Every weekend she is there and doesn't make a "payment" another payment is added. If it's more than two weekends there with out a payment then start taking things out of her room *garnishing wages*
Then explain again, you borrowed this money and agreed to pay me back with x# of payments but you haven't made any. If you would like your stuff back then you need to pay me back, this is how life works you can't take and take and never repay.
It sounds either foolish to some or to harsh to others but it worked on my kids and me when I was a kid.
I don't understand why a
I don't understand why a parent would discuss their finances with their kids. SD14 complained about castle troll telling her about all her finances (even when they can't afford things) and even about when DH has to push back CS by a week. SD14 tells us it stresses her out. She'll even tell SD14 that we can't afford to pay CS on time or tell her we are broke or something. None of that is true. Castle troll has no knowledge of our finances just like we know nothing about hers (except for what the skids let slip). She just assumes we are broke when in reality we are budgeting based on when our pay checks come in and when bills are due. All DH does is say "Hey, CS will be paid on the second week of the month instead of the first week" he gives her no reasons, just a heads up on when it will be paid. I don't want to know that castle troll and hub#5 are renting a house outside their income (BM actually told SD how much the house rent is and that it's going to be a struggle to pay it). Kids should NOT know this stuff! It's non of their business! My parents never told me about the finances, they only told me if they would buy me something that I asked for. The same is true for DH when he was a kid. As an adult I still don't know anything about my parents' finances.
Yup, notasm. And that's
Yup, notasm. And that's exactly why we had the crisis. Exactly why. People like your sd and her fan club are exactly, exactly, exactly why.
Our BM is doing a similar
Our BM is doing a similar thing- did not pay her mortgage or taxes for YEARS, now runs the risk of having it foreclosed upon, and is of course blaming DH for everything. This stuff definitely affects DH and SSs10- DH because his name is still on the deed, SSs because they are learning her atrocious and ineffective financial mismanagement techniques. She jaunts around the world on her parents' dime (that's one problem right there- they've always bailed her out), spends exorbitant amounts of money on SSs, doesn't pay her bills (ummmm- like her portion of their medical insurance from December!).
Some BMs are like sick children- I try not to get mad anymore and it helps if I view her as someone who simply has a fever. Yes, narcissism is a disease but I find myself impatient with someone who has never once looked introspectively at how her actions create her reality- so, fever....
Maybe OP is just disgusted
Maybe OP is just disgusted that BM is teaching SD to be ignorant? It does not really affect OP but I assume she is just venting about BM teaching SD to be a bit dishonest. Not sure why she is getting a rash of crap. lol
Willow, I thought that too.
Willow, I thought that too. Haven't been on here in a while. When I last spent any time, there were frequently people who I was convinced were BMs in disguise....overall climate now seems pretty supportive!
I too am a BM. But I choose
I too am a BM. But I choose to raise my children with morals and to teach them to uphold their responsibilities. I care about SD10 and want her to grow up to be an upstanding, morally driven adult. Maybe that's the difference between us Ipeed. It would probably be easier to have the whole "not my kid, not my problem" attitude. But I married a man with children. When I did that, I accepted his children as my own and chose to be a support system to them and him. I apologize if you can't relate.
I never said you didn't. But
I never said you didn't. But when I refer to "my children", my stepchildren are included.
Oh, my. What a dreadful
Oh, my. What a dreadful incident. Feel for you, rodeo. I would have to vent about that, too.
As many of you know I'm a
As many of you know I'm a banker. On another note, "letting go" of a house also entails the mortgagor selling it, then coming after the person(s)who walked away from the house for the difference if they didn't get what was owed. Foreclosures and repos are a hot mess that you can't just walk away from.
Good point, c-mom. My gf
Good point, c-mom. My gf walked away from her house and was shocked to find not only the bank was still coming after her for the mortgage but also the IRS.
Makes me wonder if BM also had those troubles when she walked away from a house the first year I knew them. We never heard about it, but I bet she did.
Ctnmom, I'm a CPA so I know
Ctnmom, I'm a CPA so I know what is ahead of her in regards to just walking away. If her mortgage lender doesn't get to her, the IRS will. Of course, when she went through the short sale, the Housing and Economic Recovery Act kept her from feeling any financial adverse affect. But that Act expired on December 31,2014 and I'm not seeing any discussion on extending it. Sadly enough, if she'd just drop the asking price of the house by about $25k, the house would more than likely sale and she would - at the bare minimum - break even and avoid the nightmare of a foreclosure. And for those angry BMs who will claim it's none of my business, here's my response: when BM's life is stressful, so is SD10's which then makes our visits with SD10 stressful.
The ding DH got on his credit
The ding DH got on his credit stemmed from her short-selling the house they purchased together while they were married. She borrowed additional funds after their divorce. But when you short-sale a house, it doesn't matter, both lenders report it as a short sale to the creditors.
She was approved for the loan
She was approved for the loan on her new house before the sale of the house she owned with DH. The short sale happened after the fact.
And I think you missed the
And I think you missed the entire purpose of this post. Lol