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Update on SS etc.

notasm3's picture

I realize not everyone has my past dealings with SS committed to memory so here's a recap of the past at the end of this post if anyone is interested.

I am 100% permanently disengaged from SS34.   He and his GF have been together about 5 years now.  Even thought they had a child and she was pregnant with a second they kept saying that "they couldn't afford to get married".  What that meant was that she couldn't have the big costume party that she wanted.  I said that if they did marry my DH could go and do what he wanted except give them money.  I would have never attended.  But about a month before she dropped the second child they went down to the county clerk and got married - so no wedding drama in the future now.

The second child is a girl.  SS called DH to tell him of the birth four days after she was born.  They gave her the strangest name.  It's a fairly common name with the first letter deleted.  Think  Atherine vs Katherine.  When he went to go see her he was going to ask what they wanted - I squelched that as I knew it would be something that cost hu ndreds of dollars.  I told him to get a box of diapers so he did. 

The first child is almost 4 and is autistic.  So far he is non verbal. He does now say dada - but no other words or phrases.  The sad part is that they are so misinformed about what to do to help him.  They truly believe that being able to say dada is huge progress.  They also think that this is something that he will outgrow.   I have friends who have children with Downs, CP, autism, etc. and there is so much that can be done to help these children lead the best lives that they can.  But it takes a lot of work and dedication.

My DH is so proud that SS has "turned his life around".  Yes he is light years better than when i first met him.  But he is still a raging alcoholic and pothead. And he still uses people - just not me anymore.


I met SS in his early 20s.  DH and SS had been estranged for about a year after DH had him evicted with police escort for being violent. DH moved a few hundred miles to be near me which unfortunately was also where SS was living. So they reconciled.  When I met SS he was basically homeless (couch surfing in drug dens), jobless, drunk, and had been beaten to a pulp from one too many fights.  

DH had asked if I could at least try to accept him although he made it clear that SS could NEVER even spent a night under our roof. So over the next few years we made an effort to help him get an apartment, furniture, etc.  He always ended up evicted.  He would find women to live off of but they would also kick him out in short order.  

Then SS met the GF.  She was educated, had a job, an apartment and a car.  He'd been down that road with others.  But somehow this stuck.  I guess he never beat her up like he'd done with some of the others.  She very shortly got pregnant and they had a child. He was still a drunk and a pothead although as far as I know he dropped the other drugs he'd been using.

We certainly were not close - but they liked to stop by our home (on a lake) to take the baby for walks, etc.  I even had them over for dinner.  And THEN:  DH and I went on a two week vacation.  SS had the code to our garage as he'd done some yard work (with lots of pay).  We stupidly did not lock the door into the house from the garage.

We got back home very, very late so I dove into bed.  The next day I slowly discovered "things out of place".  SS and his GF had moved into our home while we were gone.  They ransacked our home - looking for leftover pain meds from surgeries ? and for DH's medical mj.  They had sex in the bed I'd slept in.  I've never felt so violated in my life.  My DH and I rarely drink hard liquor.  My DH almost never drinks anything - I am a beer drinker.  I'd bought big bottles of liquor (Costco size) for entertaining.  When I went to use it each of the 5 1.75 litre bottles had maybe a half inch in the bottom.

My message to DH was "keep them away from me".  I swear I could have killed them if I could have done it without physically attacking them.  If voodoo worked I'd have used it.  Their response to me - oh no apologies.  They said that I just needed to get over it.   This was 2 1/2 years ago. I have not spoken to them since nor will I ever have them in my home or life again.



Exjuliemccoy's picture

Voodoo doesn't work?!? Poop, that's a lot of money down the drain. I'm still not giving up my gris gris bag, though.

I think it's great that you've posted a recap so that newer members can understand what you've been through and appreciate how (well) you've chosen to handle it. I experienced something similar, and the feelings of violation, disgust, and "skeeviness"  don't go away for a long time.

There are many women on this site who struggle with the dissonance of what they know to be right versus the carp their SOs hope they'll accept. Yours is an excellent example of how good life can be when a woman has strong boundaries, zero tolerance for b.s., and is willling to eject dysfunction from her life. Brava!

P.S. Sammigirl, if you're reading this, please follow suit and post a recap. I think it would be so beneficial for some of the new members to see that there are many different ways to disengage and take ownership of one's life, regardless of how many years the dysfunction has existed.

thinkthrice's picture

sage burning, salt across the thresholds, mantras.

StepUltimate's picture

Notasm3, your blogs and posts have given me strength to create some of my own boundaries. I remember reading about the invasion when you returned from that vacation - my old house had been broken into by some random drug-addict a few years earlier and I felt SO violated by that, but when reading about your situ, I was SO ANGRY that *ssh*le & his GF did that, and totally understood & agreed with your righteous anger, in addition to the ZERO TOLERANCE / ACCESS / GIFTS / B.S. for that SS & his GF & babies. 

I've admired your strength, clarity, and unwavering commitment to NOT giving those *ssh*les any access to you or any of your property; that you made it CRYSTAL-CLEAR to your DH that you are DONE with his son. I also admire your bullseye b.s. detector and your succinct, accurate observations. 

Grateful for you, Notasm3! Thank you for being here on StepTalk.