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Everything is moving so fast---Long Update

northernsiren's picture

Well, I wanted to brief you guys, and preserve for posterity the latest developments with the situation with SD and BM. Everything is moving so fast, it's just crazy!!!

Last Friday, after getting the news about the school, BM had a flurry of phone calls back and forth with FH saying that we had to come and get SD's stuff from her house at 7:30 tonight "or else". What that or else was was never determined, even when FH pressed her on that, that was all she'd say. She said we could show up with a cop, she didn't care, but that it had to be Friday. Smelling a rat, plus having other plans, we declined, and said if she really felt she had to, she could throw all SD's stuff on the curb, we didn't care. She hung up on FH, and then called back, and he did not take her call. Smile She also wanted to know if SD was coming over this weekend, and took the "no" surprisingly well. Oh according to BM, 500 people are now involved in this too, I guess she found out many of her family members knew this was happening and didn't tell her, including her father, sister, cousins, etc.

Our other plans actually consisted of visiting BM's dad and his wife's house, for dinner!!! LOL. We had a lovely time with them, and were there from about 7:00 to 10:15 or so. It was weird though, they have a big family, and pictures everywhere, some of BM!!! So here we are, eating dinner with them, their extended family members kept calling, wanting to talk to SD and congratulate her on the news, and BM's smiling face is on the wall!!! The grandfather asked if we could get a nice picture of the three of us (SD, FH and me) for his wall too!!!!! I mean, it's really kind of them, but wow. I actually got a big appreciation for just how difficult this situation must be for them, having to basically write off BM for SD, and how in accepting us into their family (we've been invited on summer vacation with them) they really are making a big choice.

They actually wanted us to forget about the school thing, and just transfer her to the school in our town now. It was hard for me to accept, given I get really feisty when wronged, but in the end, I conceded. I'm not the only one who makes decisions here, and the good news is that we are able to enroll SD TOMORROW, so she will be able to start school right away, and before Feb break even, so if she needs to do study catch up, she'll have a week to do so. SD even said she'd rather start right away, so she can make friends before the summer. Plus this totally closes the window to BM confronting her/us at school, and her dad and I having to chauffeur her to and from the BM town's school, so all in all, everyone made the case for us to just do it.

Saturday FH worked while SD and I spent the day together. We went grocery shopping together and she showed me the things she likes for lunch, breakfast, etc. Smile It was nice to have a buddy, I usually go alone, and she helped me carry everything in and put things away.

One of the things I did was have her pick out thank you cards, to send out to people for her birthday gifts. She came home and started writing them out, no need for me to remind her :). We also wrote out V-day cards to family at the same time, and sent them out in the afternoon mail. After FH came home we all went out to celebrate, SD and I got to go to the crafts store and get scrapbooking supplies, (I split the cost of hers with her), to a couple other stores for odds and ends, and a celebratory dinner, it was a nice evening, and FH was just beaming ear to ear. He confessed later to having gotten a little teary eyed on his way to work "I have everything I ever wanted, my family".

Sunday was also a good day, we scrapbooked together in the morning, then went to the mall and got SD a "rebirth" charm for her pandora bracelet! She was so excited and appreciative, we all exchanged big hugs. After we got home we all pitched in and made dinner together. THAT was awesome, I loved the help. About that time SD realized her mom had emailed her and called me in. Ugh, I braced for the worst, but actually it was an okay email, basically she wanted to know if SD would be coming over NEXT weekend, or if she wanted to go to her little sister's skating lessons as they had planned. She signed it "love mom" and there was nothing angry or hateful about it. I was REALLY REALLY pleased about the tone of the email, I was so afraid SD would open up this two page hate letter, but in the end, it was actually okay. I advised SD to respond that she would think about it, and let her mom know when she was ready. I also offered to take SD to the skating rink to see her mom and her little sister if she wanted to at SOME point, not yet. I think easing into seeing her mom again, by starting in a controlled public place with her little sister there is probably a good idea. I am NOT comfortable with her beginning with overnights at BMs. SD, being the awesome kid that she is, agreed, and pretty much said that verbatim in her reply Smile

This morning we had the meeting with the school, and they provided us with ALL the records we need to enroll SD. The only problem is that the other school couldn't take our appt today, so we have to put it off tomorrow. One interesting thing though, apparently SD is missing some of her school books, and one of them was at BMs. So against all of our wishes, we ended up having to call the BM this morning, because the school said they would bill us $80 if we did not return it in 24 hours!!! BM said that she had it, but didn't have time to bring it back (does not work lives less than 2 miles from the school) and no, we could not come get it b/c her kids were there, and it would be too upsetting for them. FH took this and hung up. I said NO WAY, call her back and have her put it on the front steps, we will come by and not bother the kids. So he did that, and she ended up wanting to talk to SD "about the book". 20 minutes later....

But actually the conversation went pretty good. BM told SD she was not mad at her, and BM wasn't mad at anyone, that she didn't object to this, but had wanted SD to stay in her current school, but if FH was ready to be a full time dad, she wouldn't stand in his way. She asked SD if she had a cell phone (SD lied and said no) and asked if she could have the number when she did get one (we'll see how long this sanity lasts before we take THAT step). When we got to BM's house to get the book, she had put EVERYTHING of SD's out on the stoop, I mean, we had barely enough room in the SUV for it all!!! On the one hand, this is kind of sad, I mean, she took down everything off of SD's walls, her CURTAINS, I mean everything, and put it in trash bags. Sort of evicting her, you know? On the other hand, clearly she's not holding the stuff hostage, if she was planning to fight to get her back, why would she give us all the stuff? This was all the stuff we HAD to come get on Friday, and refusing, we still got 2 days later, LOL.... I helped SD go through it all when we got home, and she's got everything either put away, bagged up for good will or her friends, or in a pile to get stored in the attic, done! She's got almost everything she was hoping she'd get back, her DS, her hair straightener, her purse, her books, but for some reason her camera didn't make it back Sad Oh well....

It was sad though, I looked through all her school and medical records, and poor FH, he was totally left off on most of the forms, or listed last after BM's parents on any contact forms for medical and school. In one, she had even written that BM's husband was SD's father Sad Just sad to see a history of him getting treated so badly....

So FH went to work for a half day, b/c he has to take a half day tomorrow to enroll her in school. I'm cautiously optimistic here, that BM truly intends to just let it be though I won't fully relax until the court date comes. I told SD and FH both that I was really pleased with both the tone of BM's email, and her conversation with SD today. I said that I truly hoped that good could come out of this between SD and her mom, and maybe by making this change her mom will start to appreciate her, and the time they spend together when SD visits will be more enjoyable. Maybe BM can start to get to know her daughter for the person that she is, rather than this live in servant that irritates her. I asked SD what she thought and she said pretty much the same, like maybe BM is now realizing she didn't know what she had until it was gone. And honestly everyone, a girl SHOULD be able to have a decent relationship with her mom. I would LOVE it if that was what came out of all this. Due to her remarriage and the new kids and everything, I don't think SD will ever go back there, but if she and her mom can actually learn to enjoy each other, I think that will only benefit SD in the long run.

So there we have it folks, in less than a week we "kidnapped" SD (remember no legal custody was ever determined) pulled her out of school, denied her mom access to her at command, refused to show up when demanded to do so, had dinner with her family, and BM basically rolled over. This may end up being scoring one for the good dads, but it's too soon to call completely!!!!!

And thank you all very much for your ongoing support, speedy answers to my panicked questions, and PMs asking me what's going on. I've really needed the support, and I found it here, so again, thank you so much!!! Smile

Comments

The Principlist's picture

Congratulations! I pray that things continue to go smoothly for you guys. I am glad that SD is getting her wish to be with you guys where she will be loved and cherished. I hope, hope, hope that BM continues to have a relationship with SD and does not try the guilt trip. Your situation is very similar to mine. I will not hijack your post in elaborating, but like you I realize the importance of a daughter having a strong relationship with her mom. In my case, it will more than likely not happen in this lifetime for my SD and BM. I will attest to the fact that it is both easier and harder with being CP. Easier in that you don't have to really deal with BM and her control issues like you would being NCP with EOW. Harder in that if your BM is anything like my BM she will make every effort to punish you by not following through on visits, which only hurts the kid in the long run. Hell I can always get a sitter if need be so she's does me a favor by staying away.

People who get on HIGH Horses will find the fall to be painful. ~ME :->

northernsiren's picture

She really has NO relationship, from SD's perspective anyway, with BM now, so hopefully they can build one in this newly structured environment.

BM knows that visitation is entirely up to SD now, she can try to "punish" all of us if she wants, but honestly, all that she can do is leave nasty voicemails and emails, we don't really care... And maybe she can actually use this as an opportunity!

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

Colorado Girl's picture

In my case, BM's bark is far worse than her bite. She will threaten you with everything in the book but rarely follow thru.

I think this is only a chapter of your story.

SD's right where she needs to be...but I can't imagine the abandonment she must be feeling. No matter how much we do as stepmother's or the single natural parent, they always long for the absent parent. (I say this as a stepmom of three girls whose mother is not mentally healthy enough to love her children more than she does herself and as a mother of a son whose father abandoned him before he was even born). In the end it really is that simplistic and so Freudian related.

Is putting SD in counseling an option? I only ask because my BS13 is in counseling and it has worked wonders for him. I was forced to put him in therapy because of my ongoing custody dispute with his biological father. I needed a therapist to speak on BS13's behalf at the upcoming hearing.

I highly suggest this for you....it's a win-win situation. SD can sort thru all that she's going thru and the therapist can testify on her behalf and in her best interest. (If you've already done this...nevermind Lol

Anyways, congratualtions. I've been rooting for you. Smile

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

northernsiren's picture

both at school and privately, once we can stop paying CS and officially afford it anyway.

"SD's right where she needs to be...but I can't imagine the abandonment she must be feeling. No matter how much we do as stepmother's or the single natural parent, they always long for the absent parent. (I say this as a stepmom of three girls whose mother is not mentally healthy enough to love her children more than she does herself and as a mother of a son whose father abandoned him before he was even born). In the end it really is that simplistic and so Freudian related."

This is so so true, although we all know intellectually that BM's resignation to the situation is in everyone's best interests, we all braced ourselves for SUCH a fight, it can't help but hurt SD to find her mom isn't "fighting" for her. She's a practical kid, and I know she'll get through it, but on some level, despite the happiness she's showing, she must be hurting too, and I have even told her we want her to have someone to talk to who isn't directly involved in all this, so she can vent and say the things she needs to say!!!

Thank you for the congrats CG, and for the rooting, I hope it's actually the victory it seems like! We won't know for sure though until 2/24

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

Colorado Girl's picture

My final orders hearing for my oldest son is on the same day. We'll be emotional wrecks together... Smile

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

Serena's picture

I'm so happy for you. I know there will still be struggles, but it looks like you're all handling it all so well! I'll pray for your continued good fortune!

As a side note, wanna trade SDs? Wink

northernsiren's picture

Thank you for the congrats, we're all very excited and happy about it all. And no way, I don't think there's anyone on here with a better SD than I have, the fact that she's a good kid is the only reason I've been so involved and vested in these proceedings, we are very lucky indeed! Smile

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

bellacita's picture

im so happy for u and fH and SD! u really sound like such a happy little family! thats so sweet of FH to get teary about it all...thats how my DH is too Smile its very sweet.

i really hope that BM is truly okay w this, realizes its best for SD and continues to comply. maybe w her new kids she was just overwhelmed. not an excuse, but maybe like u said now she will be able to enjoy SD when shes visiting. i hope so for everyone involved. if she truly does see that this is best for SD, then thats a huge plus. so many BMs are so wrapped up in their hate or agenda and vendetta, that they lose sight of the kids and whats best for them.

hope everything continues to go smoothly! Smile

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

northernsiren's picture

More just blatant selfishness on her fault, and mean vindictiveness, mostly towards SD. That and a healthy dose of her A-hole husband bashing FH every time he gets the chance, truly paints the whole thing in a negative light.

I think that all the nastiness at the outset was just a byproduct of his enormous ego suffering a serious blow, namely, a child being removed from his household, and WORSE, a female child expressing her wish to be no where near him, hell when did women get the right to have an opinion!?! Not on HIS watch, that's for sure. I'm sure he feels like he got punked. He blustered, threatened and yelled, and got no where. No one backed down, and he's left with dirt on his face. And so he pushed BM to get mad, and got mad himself, secretly probably panicking because now how the hell is he going to make up that extra $100 a week that supports his family, not just SD? as it should?

I just talked to BM's dad for like an hour +. That poor man has been through so much, and I know he's hurting. BM and her husband found out that he paid for our lawyer, and now he's got NO chance in the foreseeable future of seeing his other two grandkids, or his daughter for that matter. Still, he expected this, and is taking it as well as to be expected....

Thanks for the continued support Bella!

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

Sita Tara's picture

And much continued success. I agree with CG, though. Even if she is handling everything swimmingly, she is likely sitting on some heavy emotional stuff. Sometimes, once it seems the fight is over, comes the "Why don't you love me like SM does? Why didn't you care I left?"

Someone who has no emotional attachment to those answers might be very good for her now that the light at the end of the tunnel appears to be in site.

GOODLUCK with all that follows! And hug that DH too. He is really blessed with the two of you, and I know with my DH, sometimes that gratitude can be heavy for them too. A good heavy, but still, just like BM seems to not be able to realize what she's lost, FH is likely only now realizing what he has. My DH felt some anger toward BM when the full weight of our nurturing and mutual relationship was realized and owned by him.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

northernsiren's picture

I'm 100% on board. She needs to feel safe to express her thoughts and feelings, 100%. I fully expect her to start asking those same questions, and even told her, it's okay if she misses her little sister, her dog, whatever, it's okay, and natural, and those are real feelings she shouldn't feel bad for having them, and we aren't going to love her any less for having them, but we don't want her to feel stifled at all in expressing them, so someone devoted just to HER feelings is something we support 100%.

DH gets weepy almost on a daily basis, from happiness, and I feel bad b/c I get to spend SO much time with her now, I want him to have that same special time to bond with her. Hopefully this Wednesday I'll be meeting a good friend for shopping and dinner, and the two of them can bond after her first day at her new school Smile

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

Sia's picture

happy to know everything is going good. I was worried that BM would be a big idiot about it all. Maybe she has realized that she has lost the fight, and she is accepting it?

I also agree with the counseling thing. SD will need to process all this stuff adn it would be good if she had a professional to help her.

I am SOOOO happy for you! Congrats!!!!

northernsiren's picture

We really are all smiles. I feel doubly blessed b/c of how accepting and wonderful SD's grandparents have been of FH and me. He has little to no relationship with his family, and my family is far away, so it's really nice to have some "family" closeby, people we can see who accept us warmly into their hearts and homes. I never thought it would be the BM's family who gave us this, but I'm not going to knock it.....

Yup, counseling, we are on it!

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

sarahbernheart's picture

I am so happy for you NS, I hope you dont get any more trouble from the womb donor.

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

northernsiren's picture

Me too, I really am encouraging everyone involved to just let the anger go, b/c we all have such a bright future of new beginnings, why carry unnecessary clouds onto a fresh horizon??? I even have positive hopes for BM in all this, that she can learn and become a better mom to SD, because if she's not going to be positive and supportive, we're going to shut her down, end of discussion.

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

sarahbernheart's picture

she (biomom) is understanding the consequences ie not sending SD an evil email, however passive agressive behavior is sneaky.
be positive for yourselves (and sanity) and of course your stepdaughter..she is one lucky gal and so is your SO!!

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

B's picture

NS, I'm so happy that this is working out well so far. Your SD is so truly blessed to have you, your BF, and her grandparents in her life. I'm sure there will be some struggles, but the positive benefits you've brought to her life will far outweigh them. We're all pulling for you. Congratulations!

northernsiren's picture

We are blessed, if she was half as bratty as some of the skids on this site, there is no way I'd be fighting so hard for her, but she's a sweet loving kid who appreciates the hell out of all we do for her, (we being everyone, not just FH and me).

I seriously don't know where I'd be without the support of folks like you and the rest of the community here, I had NO experience with any of this, hell, even parenting, no biokids of my own, I was at a loss. but I've gotten support, strength, advice and empathy here, and it's helped us fight the good fight, immeasurably so.

Smile

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

northernsiren's picture

but until then, we're going to celebrate what we've achieved. We went from FH being afraid to even QUESTION the BM to taking SD from her crappy home and her admitting there was nothing she could do about it. Goes to show what the love and support of a strong partner can do....:)

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

Sia's picture

I think that if most of the DH's here did not have determined partners they would not be were they are! A lot of us go out of our way to help the child(ren) lost in all this mess!

Proud of you for sticking through the mess!

Rags's picture

"I think that if most of the DH's here did not have determined partners they would not be were they are! A lot of us go out of our way to help the child(ren) lost in all this mess!"

An interesting truth for a bunch of people who are supposedly only evil home wreckers intent on ruining the lives of X-Spouses and children who aren't even ours.

That is an evil I can gladly live with being. }:)

Best regards,

Sita Tara's picture

I am not my upbeat and optimistic self these days and have been wondering why I am the only parent concerned enough to do all the reading, all the researching, all the footwork with counseling and letters for the custody case when we were going through that.

In lite of NS's happiness I won't drag this down with me too far, but...What would happen if I stopped doing it?

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

Rags's picture

Sita,

The kid(s) would suffer. Though often we want to strangle them (figuratively of course) we do what we do as Sparents in the best interests of the kids.

Hang in there. Even bad days have tomorrows. (from a painted rock my Mom made for me when I was going through my own teen angst period). I still have the rock by the way.

Best regards,

Most Evil's picture

Wow, this is like a dream come true!!! I hope everything goes great for you and your new family-!!

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin