Disengaged and feeling sad
I have not been on here in about two years. When DH moved in SS he was 20. SS was disrespectful to me and did everything within his power to make my life a living he--. I ended up becoming ill because of the stress and after almost a year of living a nightmare I moved out. I didn't want to leave my husband or get a divorce but I was ready to do so. Now throw the BM/DH's ex into the mix. She sent nasty text messages to me and copied everyone. The SD's all jumped on board with BM and SS.
Looking back DH was a lot to blame. He would tell me what I wanted to hear but never did a thing to stop his kid from what he was doing. I tried to talk to SS but that seemed to make him more driven to defy and disrespect me. DH was playing both sides. He just continues to state that he was only trying to help his son.
Anyway, it took me to move out for DH to realize how serious things were. SS moved out and I moved back and DH and I after a while got things back to normal or at least a new normal.
Fast forward two years. With the help of the folks here I have been practicing disengegement. I no longer remind DH of birthdays etc. I no longer shop for cards or gifts. I did have a moment of weakness though for one grandchilds 1st birthday. They had to have known that the gift came from me but again as usual no thank you. I have stopped going to any event on DH's side of the family where SS or BM will be.
Now the issue. I have not gone to weddings/showers because either SS or BM or both will be there. My DH says that he is embarrassed to show up at these big family events without me. He tells me that BM is winning because now she is going to events for his family and I am not. I encourage DH to go (not that he wouldn't). He comes from a large family and they live for these events and for getting together.
What bothers me is that DH is a very sociable, likeable, funny guy. Everyone loves him and as much as BM & skids have put me through over the years he still talks to them as if all is wonderful. He tells people at the event that I am not there because BM is there and that I don't want the drama. That is half true. I am also not there because SS is there. His family tells him that I just need to get over it and come and ignore them. Easier said than done. I have tried that before. They give me snide, dirty looks and SD's don't even acknowlege me because I guess that would be not supporting their brother. Also DH loves to have a good time with his family so he leaves me sitting alone at a table while he goes off and has a great time socializing.
DH and I get along wonderfully until this stuff comes up. Now his DD is e getting married in a few months and I have told him that I will not be attending. DH is so upset and hurt. I do feel bad but I am so torn because I love him with all of my heart but my anxiety to go to this event would be through the roof. And also because I have not gone to the past three weddings.
I know that no one in their right mind would subject themselves to what I went through with SS. I can't let it go. It was not all that he did but also what he said. He called me names that I would never be able to even repeat on here. He called my family members names. He doesnt even know them. He was playing some kind of sick game and in the end he told DH that he lost at his own game. That is why DH is saying to me that they are winning by me not showing up.
I am so sad and I don't know what to do. I could go on and on with all of the good things that I have done for the skids over all of these years and about how I have never been thanked or never been acknowledged. Yes the girls have done their own mean and cruel things too. DH and BM were split up 5 years before I came along.
Honestly I get along with everone except his kids and his ex. My children have a step mother and we are really good friends. We parented together and we have always been there as friends for each other. My ex husband had an ex wife and we got along and still do and we consider each other friends and I am friends with my ex step children. I know that it is not me. I just don't know how to handle these people. I am tired of being stomped on and being told that I should forgive and forget and that I should take the high road.
DH has a big birthday coming up and I know that he would love a party. I can't invite SS and I know that DH would have a major issue with that. Then there is SD's wedding. DH is telling me that if I don't go to her wedding that when my children get married he may not attend. My children and grandchildren love him and they have never been cruel or disrespectful to him, I would not have allowed that!