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Husband chose his daughter over me

No children of my own's picture

 My husband (of  1 year) was chose to go on a trip to Alaska. It is a trip of a lifetime. He can only take one person with him. He chose his youngest daughter(17 ) to go instead of me. But she Is in school and cannot go. So now I am elected to go and I am feeling very sad. This is not the first time this has happened either. I never had kids  and I’m not good at dealing with them. He has four kids with his first wife. Only one of the four pretends to like me. The other three Do not hide the fact that they do not like me. I love my husband dearly, but this whole situation is turning me  into a person I don’t like!


hereiam's picture

Be prepared to live a lifetime of this.

Wait, your bio says you fell in love with him before you even knew he had kids. What is THAT about? He lied about it? Hid it from you?

advice.only2's picture

He sounds like a real peach, did he take one of his kids in your honeymoon instead of you also?! 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Personal opinion... Unless it's taking the kid on a trip as some kind of award and they just need an adult with them... (even that I think should be RARE, if at all, not the norm) I think you take the spouse.

I'm sorry :(  No one likes to feel like an afterthought.

notarelative's picture

Be prepared to be in Alaska viewing amazing scenery and have him say SD would have loved this.

Thumper's picture

What did he say when you asked "Why did YOU decide NOT take me"

You asked him, right?


Disneyfan's picture

Did I miss something?  I was expecting to read that you told your husband no when he invited you. It is clear that you are only going because his first choice isn't available.

By going  you are teaching him that making you a choice instead of a priority is perfectly fine.


Disneyfan's picture

How do you fall in love with someone BEFORE knowing how many kids they have?

Do you have kids is one of the 1st questions you ask when getting to know a man.

justmakingthebest's picture

So what did you say to him when you got the 2nd place prize? Did you ask him why he thought taking his kid instead of his wife was ever an option? 

tog redux's picture

I wonder how the other 3 kids felt about her being chosen as well, is she the favorite?

Let him know you have other plans during that time.  

Superstepper's picture

Oh, I'd go on the trip, enjoy the hell out of it, then move out when I got back home. That situation will never be any different and you will kick yourself later if you stay.

Jcksjj's picture

That's what I was thinking. I wouldnt turn down an (I'm assuming free?) trip, but i wouldnt make myself a joy to be there with for him. Find someone "more important" than him to be texting, calling etc the whole time. 

futurobrillante99's picture

OP - make sure you don't pay FOR ANYTHING!! Because, "Would you have made SD pay for this? I'm taking her place, so just treat me like you'd treat SD."

I wouldn't pay a dime if I was the second choice.

Siemprematahari's picture

If this doesn't show you where your place is in his life...............I don't know what will........

I'm out's picture

Wow...., I'm sorry that happened :(

But I am also curious to know what his response was when you told him what an a** he is? What possible reason he had for showing you that you come firmly second best ?

Curious Georgetta's picture

Maybe he is a father who simply wanted to provide something to his youngest that he was never able to provide for his older kids -  a nice vacation.

I would imagine that he expects his wife to be around for a while. At age 17, he is likely anticipating that time to be spent with the youngest is growing shorter.

In an intact family, it is unlikely that a wife would view the choice to take a child on a trip as somehow choosing the particular child as choosing a child over her. 

Alaska is not going any place. If you want a particular vacation, why not start planning for it now. Just tell him that you would like to go to place x and begin making the necessary plans.

You are not in a competition; you are in a relationship


tog redux's picture

Oh please. You know that at the very least you’d have expected your husband to discuss it with you before he made a decision. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Right. A marriage. Where you put your spouse first. There should never have even a question on who he was taking. 

Dash 1

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Ummmm.... No.

At the MINIMUM this should have been discussed with his wife, and frankly offered to her first, if she turned it down THEN he could take the kid.

Or even discuss with the wife he was debating taking her for x and x a reason, is she okay with that?

But SOMETHING shou;ld have been discussed to show the wife is first.

And frankly, the wife should have been first thought, not the afterthought.  This has nothing to do with intact or non.  It ha to do with respecting your spouse.

tog redux's picture

In CG's world:

First marriage: "Honey, I won a trip to Alaska, when do you want to go?"  Wife: "That's fantastic! Hmmm, maybe we should consider you taking our youngest child because she (graduated from medical school at 16, has cancer, whatever).  Husband: "that's a great idea!"

Second marriage: Husband: "I won a trip to Alaska, and I'll be taking my youngest daughter." Wife: "That's fine, I'm well aware that as a second wife I am not your partner and I come last, after your kids, mother, elderly grandparents, dog, golfing buddy and motorcyle.  Have fun, dear."

Disneyfan's picture

I get this.  My son loves history, primarily anything dealing with Egyptians.  I have always wanted to take him on an Egyptian tour.

I could not afford a trip like that when he was growing. If the opportunity presents itself now, there's no way in hell I would invite him and not include our SOs. 

It isn't about being in a competition.  The issue is a lack of respect for your spouse/SO.