Hi there, Im Nikki and new here, searching for any advice, input or suggestions on this nightmare I've taken on. I have never blogged before, so here goes.
A little over 3 years ago I began a relationship with a single father who has a daughter, she was 4 at the time. He is her only parent, her mom got involved with drugs and eventually passed away from OD. I would never wish that loss on a child or father. Although they had already separated a while before this, it still had major impacts and loss for them both. The daughter was 2 at the time of her mom passing. We live in a small town and knew them all. Anyway, I was fully aware of the bond they had together and very sad that he now was a single full time father, mother, money earner, housekeeper and all he was suddenly made to take on alone. When we first started dating he expressed he was looking for someone to help him raise his daughter, help her grow into a beautiful and confident person and show her things he had no clue about, and to be a women figure in their lives. I was more then willing to take this on. I cared deeply for him and respected him so much for doing all he had so far, and trying his hardest to be the best father he could. I also cared for his daughter and she enjoyed me and my company. I was happy to be there and to help them both. I knew how close they were and I thought it was great. It was for a couple months in. Then i started to notice that she was in total control of absolutely everything. Which i ignored for quite a while, until it needed to be brought to attention, after all, he wanted my help and help raising her to be the best she can. Right?? It was so much more then I could ever imagine. If we went out to eat, she decided where, if she wanted to leave somewhere before we were ready to leave, we left immediately. If she didnt get her way every single time it was a complete nightmare. She would throw a tantrum, scream, cry, everyones world revolved around making her happy at any cost. She decided when they ate supper, what was for supper, how much she was gonna eat, which was barely nothing and so much waste. But there was no arguing without a complete meltdown to come. I was extremely taken back and shocked by the control this 4 year old had. And the fact that everyone in the family on both sides found it easier to make her happy, then to raise her with respect, manners and learn discipline. I myself having older children who were definitely raised in a extremely different way. They were to be respectful, use their manners, care about others and their feelings, to be honest, take responsibility for their actions and to earn what they wanted, cuz thats how the world is. And not to expect to be handed whatever they wanted, that it had to be earned. They were spanked as children, been sent to their rooms, electronics taken away, grounded. Told no and no meant no. Well this was a whole different world i was so happy to be a part of.
Needless to say, it didnt last long without me speaking up. If i was wanted there, no way was i going to be ruled by a 4 year old, and ignore the way she managed to always get her way. And the behavior she used to do so. If dad ran out of juice in the morning and she had to have something else instead of what she demanded, it was like something i had never seen before. The complete meltdown, screaming, crying, throwing herself on the floor, refusing to get dressed to leave, ignoring him, banging doors, stomping feet. I was in total disbelief. He would never raise his voice to her, never tell her that behavior is unnecessary, never try to attempt to correct it. He would just say she needed time to cool down. What? Over juice? You allow her to act that way and treat you that way and slam her door as she would stomp into her room? I am very sympathetic and sorry that she has had such a loss in her life, but at 4 years old there was a chance to reign it in and teach her different. Not let her assume that cuz she has lost someone so important to her, she is allowed to walk around and treat people like shit if she didnt get her way. It was unacceptable to me. I was not having a part of that or encouraging it in any way. She had daddy wrapped around her finger and she knew it. Needless to say after about 6 months of us dating, living seperatly though. Her dislike of me started to show. If they were at my house for supper you finish your supper or get no treat afterwards. My kids would sit at the table till there plate was empty, and if you didnt like it, to bad, it was supper. Eat it or go hungry. Her rules didnt apply at my house, my rules did. She became very clingy with her dad, in a weird way. She wanted to act like a baby, be the boss, yet act like a teen also. When i stood my ground and refused her a treat cuz she refused to eat the little baby portion she had for supper, she looked at me like i was pure evil! Her father tried to make excuses for her and justify it. I stood by the rules i made my kids follow. I ended up catching him sneaking her a snack behind my back. When i questioned him on it, it was turned to be my fault and treating her different than my kids.
After that there were little things i noticed more and more and began to see the way she would sneak around, intentionally delete shows i had dvrd to watch, and lie straight face about it without a thought. I'll fast forward a bit, although her behavior still continued. After about a year dating, i was not going to jump cuz a child demanded me to. She started to see that i had a little more say and control. We left somewhere when we were ready, not when she demanded. Going to public places was not an option anymore, because it became miserable and ruined everybodys mood, when she didnt get her way. Her father and i made an after school chart for her to follow and have structure instead of her telling her dad what she was going to do. I received alot of dirty looks, ignored many times, and never shown respect by her, unless she wanted something. It was a slow change which i knew it would be. But as her dad and i got closer, she made sure her thought of me was known. And still had daddy wrapped around her finger. I wasn't there all the time, so things were handled differently without me there. She was the boss then and dad let her be, and ignore the chart we made up. Well that turned into her lying to me about finishing her school work. Once again, when brought up it was somehow my fault. He did tell her she had to apologize to me. It took her 2 days to do it. I knew we had a huge problem in the making. Yet i choose to continue because i had faith and love for them both. I began to realize that both of them were very similar in getting what they wanted when they want it. And no concern for how it affected or made anyone else feel. They got their way and that was all that mattered to them.
By this time I have moved in their house and was always reminded that i was the 3rd wheel in our relationship. If i pointed something out or tried to improve something, i was shot down, ignored, or at fault. But i wasn't giving up, this is what he wanted from me, help, love and support. After living there for 6 months, the behavior and disrepect continued. This was the house that her mom, dad and her shared together and it was the daughters domain and i was shown that alot! It was a negative, gloomy, depressing atmosphere. So we bought a new house, a fresh start for the future and no princesses having a feeling of ruling her domain anymore. That fresh start didnt last long, in fact it became worse. She would lie to me, disrespect me and treat me like an object with no feelings. Her feelings and happiness are all she cared about. When i would call her out for lying, I was the one who suffered. Dad would take her side, and be mad at me. I would take her after school to help him out, to have her lie, disrespect and purposely do things to upset me. I had to point out the hurt i felt for action to be taken, instead of him supporting what he originally asked me to be there for. Instead of teaching her to respect me and be honest with me, he found someone else to watch her. I learned then and there where i stood in our relationship, and the treatment he thought i deserved for giving my all. It got to the point where the daughter would act like i was invisible to her. It was whispers of daddy, daddy, daddy, all while she stared directly at me. I felt hurt, pushed away, unwanted and totally heartbroken. He not only let her think it was ok to treat me like garbage, he enabled her by taking her side, finding another person to watch her, making it my fault, and causing fights between him and I. While the person who should be taking responsibility and being disciplined for her actions, sat back and smiled about it. I explained how this was putting a wedge between us and beginning to destroy us, but he chose to just not see it. It was easier to hurt me then to teach a child to respect, be honest, take responsibility for your actions, have consequences for the act, to consider other peoples feelings.
The respect i had for them started to fade quickly. I tried many heart to heart conversations to explain that i cared for her as much as i cared for my own children, i treated her the same as i did my own, i wanted her to grow up to be the best she ever could, and i never wanted To or could replace her mom. I wanted to be there for her to have somewhat of a women figure in her life and not miss out on opportunities or experieces that other moms and daughter have. I felt like i had connected with her and made an impact or progress. For it to go right out the other ear and not change a thing. Once her dad allowed her to see the impact her behavior towards me had on our relationship and the arguments it caused between daddy and me, with no negative impact on her. She ran with it. I became depressed, unhappy, felt like a failure, belittled, unappreciated, and couldn't understand why i deserved to be treated the way i was, when i never gave them anything but my all and never treated them this way.
I asked for help, shared my feelings, hurt depression, heartbroken, and that i was sinking and spiraling out of control and it wouldn't end in a good way. Needless to say, my feelings were not important enough, or cared about by either. The only feelings and happiness they cared about was their own and didnt matter whose they hurt to get what they wanted. I warned that i would be moving out many months ahead of time if i felt the same way. Like they were superior to me, deserved to be treated better then they treated others. Like a sense of entitlement, like the world owes them,and cuz life was unfair to them, they can go thru life and treat people like objects or possessions, not like humans with feelings and emotions.
I moved out in April, then dad realized i was not joking, i was serious. By this time i have lost all respect and love i felt for him and resent him and his daughter for continuing to hurt me and watch me hit rock bottom, when they were well aware of it. Now he wants to fix and be the man who will never let me be hurt again in my life and is the only one who will show me respect and care i deserve. Wow! I lost my respect, my happiness, felt like my heart was ripped out by 2 people, intentionally hurt, any positive feelings i had they ruined, start my life over again, depressed, lost my dreams of the future and lost myself. When i gave my 100% and he decided to now give his 100% after i moved out. The daughter still gives me the dirty looks when i stop over there, but she stands right next to daddy so he doesnt see it. She still has no respect for me and never did, and i have zero respect towards her. Neither of them deserve my respect, or trust. They had it and lost it. My youngest is 2 years away from graduating high school. And then my hands on parenting is kinda done. My kids never treated me the way i was there, and there is no way i would take another 10 years of my life to parent a child who has no respect or care for anyone but herself, and learned it all from her daddy, cuz he is the exact same as her. I have told him i honestly and sadly cannot even stand to see his daughter without feeling angry. I have lost all my feelings and respect for him, and there is no undoing the damage they did. And it totally changed me as a person. Who destroys and breaks a person down to the absolute lowest I've ever felt. Then wants to fix me and build me up??
Now he is very annoying, driving past my house, stopping in randomly, watching when im gone trying to find myself again, then he will nonstop bug me till i get home. Still managing to consume my time. Because hes not with me. Accusing, assuming and still being disrepectful to me. Its sad i feel like i have to hide in my own house, because u never know when hes just gonna show up and exhaust me with the same conversation hes been trying to push me to see. Instead of giving me space to heal and find myself again. Its still my fault to him, because i am refusing to accept and see the love and respect he suddenly has for me. They are the ones who lost a person who gave her all and best she had to give them. They dont deserve me. Sorry its so long, had alot to get off my mind!