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Venting About ExWife Drama Mama

NicholeRoughton's picture

Hello, new here. Trying my best to match the common terms, bare with me.

 

My DH’s Ex Wife, and BM to the three step kids, has GU Syndrome.  She is all that needs to be, according to her. I’ve had my DH relay to her, in hopes of amicable co-parenting, that I was never trying to be the skids new mom, or whatever. That I would always just be me, nothing would change.

Her reply? “Good, she better remember that.”

 

She says such crappy things about me in conversations with my DH ( Who usually doesn’t try to argue, he’s usually just ignoring it or trying to get to the end of the the whole why she messaged him in the first place. )

 

Recently, she called me “that thing.” And it seriously hit a nerve. I might have taken DH’s phone and uh.. sent some not-so-friendly replies back at him. I made sure I had DH’s consent before I did so.

 

I dunno, I’m just ranting. She’s a thorn in our side and I cannot stand her. 

My new names, according to the ex-wife; Thing, It, Mistress, B*tch, H*e, Nothing, Idiot, Not-even-a-woman. Smile Ihateheralot

Comments

twoviewpoints's picture

Stop reacting to it. BMs love nothing more than to believe they are getting to you. Take that away from her.

No fun to refer to you as any of that if she doesn't get an reaction. 

In fact, the more you ignore and stay out of it all, she'll focus on something else (withholding skids, being really late at exchanges, demanding more child support and/or extra curricular activity cash)... all those things that you So can handle her over. Dealing with BM is his job. He's the one silly enough to marry an keep breeding with her.

You might suggest all communication between the parents goes through Our Family Wizard. It's an online messaging site for exchanging necessary communication, has a calendar for jotting schedules/activities blah blah. The best part, it all can be used in court as documentation. Let her write those vile things about you in preserved documents, lol. She can't delete. 

Or go to strictly email if he wants to start there. No texting. No verbal communication unless one of the kiddos are being raced to ER with dangling limbs, uncontrolled bleeding or requiring immediate surgery. 

She needs to learn Dad is not at her beck n call. He doesn't have to be available 24/7 nor does he have to listen to her b*tch at him. He can just stop. No need to respond to something non-kid business. Dad and Mom are divorced. They have joint children. All they have to communicate about is kid-centric subjects. She controls her house, Dad control his house. 

NicholeRoughton's picture

I’m going to suggest the email or family wizard for sure. He hasn’t been talking to her since the last exchange at all. But she’s definitely good at getting under my skin, anyway. I’ve always been a softy. It’s hard to not take stuff personally. I Just got to toughen up!

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

Agree with the others. Don't give her an audience and she will go away. Her goal is to make sure you are just as miserable as her and it's working. 

All things BM related should be handled by your DH. Everything. And set serious boundaries. She should have zero access to your safe space. Absolutely none. If she currently does, remove it. Immediately. 

Then forget the bit*h exists. 

Step-girlfriend's picture

I’ve been here, and man is it hard to ignore, even if that’s what you “should” do. I may have taken his phone and responded once myself. It happens, sometimes it’s just too much. Here is how we knocked that sh*t off though:

Stopped engaging, Blocked her on both our phones (I wish i was a fly on the wall when she realized she no longer had an audience), and Got Our Family Wizard court-ordered as the only means of communication. We went from daily name-calling, to name calling about twice a month. A-mazing. It definitely took the wind out of her sails when she realized the courts could see what she was writing if they ever needed to check. Our lives are changed. In terms of BM stress and frustration, We went from a 10 to maybe a 2.

Step-girlfriend's picture

I'm fairly certain it doesn't have to be court-ordered, but both parents would have to agree to use it (it doesn't make sense to do it if they will continue to communicate through other means- email, text, phone, etc). In our case, Crazy refused to sign up for it, so the court ordered it as the only means of communication. There is a fee, although you can qualify for free usage as well based on income I believe. EVERYTHING can go on it- there's a calendar to plug events into, you can upload documents, bills, photos, and even skids can use it if you want to go down that road. You can even make notes in it regarding incidents that happened, etc.

I feel like I should be in sales for OFW since I rave about it so much. lol

still learning's picture

"I’ve had my DH relay to her, in hopes of amicable co-parenting, that I was never trying to be the skids new mom, or whatever."

By having DH relay messages to her from you about co-parenting you just placed yourself square in the middle as a target. You are not co-parenting with BM, that's 100% DH's domain.  Do not read the messages between them and especially do not respond to her jr high tactics. Don't make DH the messenger boy between you and her...sheesh lady! 

tog redux's picture

I always found it amusing when BM would take digs at me - obviously she's jealous because DH preferred me, even though she would reunite in a minute.

But DH needs to make clear he's not engaging in any conversations that include BM insulting you.

Kes's picture

Welcome to the site!  I do agree in principle with posters advising you to ignore the bitch and take the High Road.  However, I don't agree that not having an audience, or a reaction, will necessarily stop a BM intent on wreaking havoc.  I ignored NPD BM for 14 years - it didn't really stop her, and now I regret somewhat that I didn't fire a few salvos back.  It would have at least made me feel better!  I have changed from 16 years ago - I no longer accept being treated poorly - I do fight back.  And I wish I had started sooner.  At least you don't feel like a victim.  

lieutenant_dad's picture

She puts all of that in writing? Not a smart BM. *shakes head*

Your DH has the option of entirely ignoring her messages, or making her only contact him through email, or recommending the use of Our Family Wizard. See, BMs like this *think* they have power and control because Dad "has to" communicate with them.

No. Dad doesn't. Not when BM is harassing him or his family. If your DH really wanted to push the issue, he could take her back to court to have their communication monitored through OFW. He could hit her up with harassment charges. He could do *a lot* to limit communication with her, including blocking her number. So long as the kids are being taken care of in their respective homes, there is zero need to communicate if she is going to be a snot about it.

It's time that your DH 1) stand up for you and 2) tell BM how it's going to be. He CAN tell her that her texts will be polite and solely about the kids or he'll move to email-only. Then he needs to follow-through and go to email.

Now, this means your DH NEEDS to be on every school listserv, the teachers need to know him and to know to contact him AND BM, that the doctor's office has BOTH phone numbers and addresses, etc. The more control he has of communication about his kids directly from the source, the better.

Also, a cease and desist letter from an attorney can scare the crap out of all-bark-no-bite BMs. If it gets bad/worse, I'd spend the money to have that letter sent, explicitly outlining the grievance (I.e. date, time, verbatim what the text said) and consequence (e.g. email only, blocked phone number, report to the police, going back to court for modification).

Remember, BM isn't some high and mighty force. Your DH can fight back, and this BM is dumb enough to put proof of her harassment in writing.

tog redux's picture

Agreed. This is a much better way to fight back than having SM shoot insults back at BM, which is fighting on her turf, and I promise, she will win that, even if it feels good at first to do it.

What you outline is DH protecting his new wife from the POS he married before, and that's how it should happen.

Step-girlfriend's picture

What Lietenant Dad said!  ^^^

As they say, the best defense is a good offense! I am not one to sit and take crap though, I will do whatever I can to stop the problem before I will admit defeat. In our case, ignorning her did not work. She continued, unphased, until we got OFW.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I've been called a wh0re, cussed out, shoved, etc. Ignore the real wh0re (the crazy BM), also avoid making comments such as "Well it takes one to wrongly accuse one there sweetheart."

Unfortunately for us, we have to pretend to be the bigger person. No matter how much you want to b**** slap the Psycho. You have to sit there and smile and pretend you don't give a flying f***.

In fact, nothing seems to piss them off more than you playing happy go lucky nice. Becuase half the time they're trying to cause issues. However your DH should be standing up for you. You shouldn't have to, becuase he already should have. It's hit job to deal with the crazy lady he procreated with. And it's also his job to protect his wife to an extent.

Siemprematahari's picture

DO NOT FEED the GREMLIN! Do not give her any fuel to feed off of. Kill her softly with silence and show her that she is irrelevant..........

because she is.........

Your H needs to tell her one good time to not make any comments when it comes to you as all conversations should pertain to the kids and nothing else.

CLove's picture

Ive been called names as well, although ToxicTroll texted these to me:

"non-working c#nt" - I wasnt working for a few months during the summer and now I am working steadily and she is out of a job (long story, they are in my blogs)

"f#cking B!tch" - shes not very original

"u have a rotten uterus, thats why no men can get it up 4 u" - funny, her ex husband is very regular in that way. 

"I give better blowjobs then u" - ok, well there is no way in heck I am going to even think about that one. But, ok, Ill go there - well that doesnt stop any of your subjects from leaving your miserable self...

"I do my hair and makeup better than u, I know this. I know u better than you think i do" - part high school, part drama queen, really kind of an offbeat, what the hey sort of comment. Like is she offering to do my hair and makeup? Is that a challenge, should I go to spehora right now and get a makeover? Is she stalking me?

I never responded to ANYTHING. Any responses were positive and "I love my stepdaughter, etc" No back and forth, no high school. Just CUT THAT SH!T OUT. Takes away her ammunition. Takes the wind from the sails.

ALthough I know it sucks, because you know "how dare she devalue and dehumanize another woman????"

Yeah. Its weird. Our current society touts Female Solidarity as the higher good, yet here we are, on Steptalk and most of our issues are Toxic Bio Mothers that we have to deal with. And Toxic Stepdaughters that cannot accept us. Because of the whole female competition thing, or whatever.

So, youve just got to "roll with it", and laugh. DH needs to set some boundaries, however, and this is important. She is testing boundaries and has no respect for you nor for DH. That much is clear. There needs to be repercussions if these boundaries are not respected such as those listed above.

Welcome to steptalk!

strugglingSM's picture

Early on in my relationship with DH, BM showed her crazy, culminating in a long email to both DH's family and her family about how I wanted to move next door to her, so DH could have 50/50 and stop paying child support, and how I was going to take the kids away from her on holidays. This was after I had only spoken to her once, briefly, upon meeting her, when she was too busy snarling at DH to even notice me. I vowed them - after DH and I saw a relationship counselor who told me that BM had "borderline tendencies" - that I would cut her off entirely. I avoid interacting with her at all and when I'm at the same event as her, I don't even look in her direction. I've also told DH that he better manage her on his own and his job - as my husband - is to keep her drama out of my home. She's a delusional bully, who has successfully manipulated DH's family into thinking she's the victim all the time...her life is so hard, DH is so mean, she is so put upon. She also told DH that leaving the kids with me was the same as her leaving the kids home alone with her 15 year old SS who stays in his room with the door closed. 

I work hard to try to convince myself that she doesn't exist and in my world, she doesn't. I don't have time to put up with a grown woman's tantrums and I refuse to emotionally validate another grown human being - especially one who continues to bully my husband, nearly six years after their divorce was finalized. It's driven a wedge between me and MIL who buys into BM's sob story, but I'm happy to hold MIL at arms' length as well, if it means I can keep BM's toxicity out of my life. 

I focus on supporting DH in his relationship with SSs and build a relationship just with them. I don't focus on co-parenting (BM doesn't co-parent, anyway, she just complains when DH won't give her whatever additional money she asks for). BM is not a great parent, so I try to move away from any sort of parenting, as it will only drive me crazy and I can't counter her bad mothering (e.g. telling SSs that it's not their fault that they get bad grades, it's just that the teachers are mean). 

I echo the advice that you should remind your DH that BM is his problem. You didn't marry her and you didn't have kids with her. I would also tell him that I expected him to call her out when she insulted me. My DH used to try to appease BM and I told him that as his wife, I expected him to protect me in those conversations, but shutting them down anytime I came up. 

you-can't-argue-with-crazy's picture

Agree with lot's here to block her. My fiance FINALLY did it a year ago. 

He blocked the trash can as we call her from his phone so she cannot text and if she calls it goes stright to voice mail. He can see in his call log's if she's called. She can leave him a message and if she gives a reason that he feels warrants a conversation he will call her back, but most of the time he will email back instead.

His lawyer actually told him not to talk to her on the phone, to have everything in writing. So he set up a seperate email account that is just for trash can. Anything that doens't have to do with the kids is COMPLETELY ignored!!!! Even the nasty digs about me, cause really, what do I care what a trash can thinks of me? lol 

 

NicholeRoughton's picture

I really appreciated being able to read all of these replies! My DH is actually on board with blocking her from calls/texts and trying straight email for now. He’s even on board with getting OFW court ordered if needed. *biggrin* He usually ignores the jabs at him and at me, but you know how it goes. Late, stressed from work, etc. Emotions and all that. We’ve not engaged with her since and are making plans to only use email in the near (like tomorrow) future!

samannek12's picture

I can totally relate to you. I was never even given the opportunity to meet my fiance's ex before she found out who I was, who my friends and family were and harrassed them all. She even contacted my fiance's family to try to turn them from me, but nothing worked. Unfortunately, his ex is supposed to be on Our Family Wizard, but she refuses to get on. So my fiance still receives insane emails, but we ignore them as best we can. You have support with me and know that focusing on you and your family will be all the revenge needed. She's nothing, and she knows it.